There were nights Alison couldn't cope.
Her thoughts were destructive. She tried to comprehend, to make sense of it but she never does. A part of her understands, yet another part of her refuses to believe it. Beth is gone but Beth is here. Those were contradictions and Alison knew that.
When the officer, her genetic identical first visited her outside her home, Alison almost had a heart attack. First, she never called Alison beforehand to warn her she was visiting, what if someone had saw her? How would Alison explain then? Nevertheless, the officer greeted the bewildered, uncomfortable and hyperventilating Alison with a small smile.
"Elizabeth Childs," she had said gently with an outstretched hand. "We spoke on the phone a few days ago."
Beth had a secret cabin. The officer frequented there often, especially when she needed to get away from Paul. The log cabin was located in the middle of nowhere, among the woods, overlooking a blue lake Alison had never heard of. Beth had taken her there once, with no real purpose or aim. I just wanted you to see.
And then the first night she found herself outside Beth's cabin, Alison was convinced that it was a terrible idea. Yet when Beth opened the door and saw Alison, Alison felt oddly at peace. There was a strange air of openness about the officer, which made sharing Alison's problems easier. Beth listened with calm eyes and periodic nods, rarely interrupting.
One thing led to another, from occasional visits to regular shooting practices and eventually to visiting her 'friend' at unusual hours during the night.
That was when Beth's cabin became a sanctuary.
Alison knew that it was also Beth's retreat, a place she visited when she needed to quiet her thoughts.
Although small, it was full of Beth. From the stikwood walls, to the novelty antiques and framed paintings. Her birch wood shelves were stacked with books, intricately designed boxes and sketches of the nature. A white rug lay on her wooden floor with one lonely couch and old television set. Coloured sticky notes scatter her fridge, depicting the conversations Alison would have with Beth. Other unconventional bits of furniture and ornaments were orderly arranged.
Despite it being immaculately tidy, it was more welcoming than Alison could possibly describe.
Alison discovered Beth's doorstep when she needed to confide, and ultimately, when she needed to see Beth.
Tonight was one of those nights where Alison found herself in Beth's empty cabin.
"Hey," her identical nodded in greeting, eyes meeting hers. "What can I do for you this special evening?"
It was raining outside and almost twelve thirty. Beth must have become familiar to her recurring visits. There was a hint of playfulness in Beth's tone as she stepped aside, allowing her mirror image into the warmth of the room before locking the door after her. Alison could feel Beth's intense gaze, inspecting her reaction, her response.
Alison was anxious, afraid and in denial of a lot of things. She noticed the way Beth watched her carefully, noting the way Alison tapped her cheek or rubbed her neck when she was stressed. It was a comfort gesture. After a few more heartbeats of silence and an internal debate, Alison eventually confessed quietly.
"I just need to get away from Donnie."
Beth read her body language and her expression effortlessly. She nodded in response, a smile still present on her lips as she slowly moved toward the small kitchen. "Tea, coffee or cake?" she offered, her own yellow mug in hand.
"Tea is fine, thanks."
Alison turned to Beth's small coffee table, stacked with papers and books.
"Want to talk about it or sleep it off?"
Alison heard Beth ask, followed by the sound of boiling water. She did not reply. Alison was busy taking in Beth's cabin, all over again. She was fascinated by one new addition of Beth's antiques to notice that the officer had already materialized behind her.
"I can interrogate you if you wish."
Alison jumped lightly to the proximity of her voice. Beth smiled as she handed Alison her own mug. Alison took a sip and sighed in relief. Never once did Beth's eyes leave her. After a few more minutes of silence, Alison finally spoke.
"Sleep."
Of all things she loved about Beth's cabin, the secludedness, the nature and the peace- she loved the attic the most, where her bedroom was situated. That was where Beth poured her heart out.
"You know you should take care of yourself more." Beth spoke gently as she flicked off the lights, easily falling step behind Alison as they climbed the wooden stairs to Beth's bedroom.
"Are you giving advice to yourself?" Alison responded, a light tug at the corners of her lips. The room was exactly how Alison remembered it to be. The first sight was Beth's bed, which took up the majority of the attic, leaving only enough space for one bedside table, a stereo and her ever-impressive-display of burning candles.
"Well, you kind of are me- in an abstract sense."
"Do not use the c-word." Alison warned as she saw the teasing light in her identicals' eyes.
Beth rose her hands in mock-surrender as she set their mugs onto the nightstand. She then crawled onto her bed, beckoning for Alison to follow, and she did. The music was soft and the two of them sat, in comfortable silence, gazing out into the distant galaxies through Beth's skylights. The ceiling was low enough that if one of them stood up, they would surely knock their heads. This was home.
Alison's gaze drifted briefly to the walls where Beth painted and drew, wrote quotes and messages to herself, pasted polaroids and images… it was almost as if Beth was allowing Alison to gaze into the depths of her heart, of her very being, and that was such a great honour. Before long, Alison's eyes were set on Beth. She often wondered how they were identical yet completely different. How they could be similar but differ. Beth surely felt her constant attention as she turned her head slightly. It was different from the other times.
Alison felt uncomfortable fear in her stomach. Beth noticed this too (there was nothing Beth did not take note of). Alison acknowledged something. She was terrified of how Beth's eyes captured her. Terrified at how Beth made her weak. Terrified of the newfound feelings of desire, wanting and love Beth made her experience. She had never felt this way for anyone else. A part of her screamed that if something happened, she would never fully recover from it.
Her heart would not be able to stand such a blow.
Beth leaned in, touch sending ripples of anticipation through every single cell in Alison's body. She drew in a breath and kissed her. The kiss was everything a kiss was meant to be.
She had never been with a woman before, at least, not when she was sober. And not a woman, nor a man, has made her feel so strongly.
Beth pulled back, leaving Alison wishing.
"Tell me to stop, Ali." Beth whispered, eyes glistening with unknown sadness.
"Why?" Her own voice escaped unwillingly from her parted lips.
Beth's quick breaths were hot on her cheek. "Because this feels so right to me. Kissing you feels right, touching you feels right, having you beside me feels too right. Tell me to stop or I won't. " And I don't want to ruin this. A smaller part of Beth seemed to be pleading.
Alison's mind went blank. She could see the raw emotion in Beth's eyes. She didn't want to ruin this either. Alison surrendered to Beth, arms around her neck, drawing her in. She surrendered to her touch and her mind became useless, she felt completely and utterly vulnerable yet at the same time, perfectly complete.
Beth's kisses were slow and gentle, as were her hands that seemed to be able to caress all of Alison at once. Beth teased her breasts and hardened nipples with her skillful tongue before her continuing her excruciating journey down South. Alison remembers looking down at Beth between her legs, feeling unworthy of such a perfect person loving her. All nonsensical thoughts dissipated the second Beth kissed her throbbing arousal, fingers exploring her wetness. Alison soon became nothing but exhales and sighs, hands gripping onto sheets for dear life as Beth made her come relentlessly, waves of the same high that crashed and pulsed through her body. Beth made her see stars. She continued until Alison's back arched, her body trembling with her most recent release and gasped Beth's name. With ease and being ever mindful, Beth slowly brought her down from her climax. Alison wished to reciprocate.
"I'm not sure if I can-"
Alison's murmur was silenced by her lips.
"It's okay."
Beth's breathy words set something off inside of Alison.
Their positions reversed. Alison believed that the night was as good as it got, until Beth's fingers scraped against her skull lightly and moaned her name with shuddery breaths as Alison made first contact with her throbbing wetness. Beth had to lightly hold Alison in place after her fourth release. Alison smiled against her skin, kissing her inner thigh softly before gliding toward Beth's lips. "I love you," Beth breathed out, eyes fluttering open. Alison kissed her in response, feeling their bodies melt perfectly into one another's.
They remained that way, losing the count of orgasms, limbs intertwined, playlist on repeat and endless kisses, candles burning out. Life was dawning on Alison again but Beth's loose embrace soothed her greatly. She watched the stars until her eyelids grew heavy.
Their relationship changed after.
In the sense that when Alison called Beth during a violent storm, the cop drove to her home and waited outside in the pouring rain until Donnie and the kids finally fell asleep. And in the sense that when Beth arrived unannounced Alison left with her in the middle of the night, on long drives and walks, in places where the two of them could not be spotted together. They kissed and initiated physical contact naturally. They longed, desired and loved one another unexplainably.
It shouldn't have happened, yet it did, and it felt right.
Alison never truly understood her feelings-or the depth of her feelings- for Beth. Perhaps she never will.
There were nights Alison couldn't cope... And tonight was one of those nights. She spent the darkening hours in the empty cabin, memorising every crevice, crack and cranny of Beth's heart.
Alison shifted as the sun's rays streamed in through the filtered glass windows. The stereo was still playing softly in the background. Alison stirred lightly and rose despite her protesting joints. Her phone was full of messages sent by Donnie, all thirteen of them apologies, each one sounding more desperate. Sighing, she set aside the device and fixed her blouse, fingers stopping at her chest. Beth's voice echoed in her mind. It will be okay in the end.
In the end. Exactly when would that be? Everything was falling apart.
Alison didn't want to fight anymore. She wanted a normal life, yet, the original definition of the word had become twisted. She was scared of a lot of things. She was scared for her children, for Donnie and for herself- for the so-called perfect life, the illusion she created for herself, the mirage that suddenly became painfully obvious. She was afraid of the person she made herself out to be, a lie. And it was these times of silence and of solitude that her mind runs off, out of control.
But it is always the same sound that shatters her from those frightening thoughts.
"I love you."
She could still hear Beth's voice- so alarmingly similar to hers- whisper in her ear as her body was engulfed with the unique warmth of Beth.
And knowing that, it gave Alison enough strength to continue for another day.