How to Text a Tsundere
by Newt Is My Shank
To: Unknown ID
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Hi
Dear to who I must address this to,
Hey so I kind of got your email address for the special homeroom assignment and we're supposed to exchange e-mails everyday and record our "progress" or something and collate it in a log for public viewing at the end of the semester. Suzuki-sensei says it's so we can "get to know one another other" but I think it's pure bull and really fucking awkward and you were sick and I'm new and apathetic to social interaction so you kind of just ended up with me. Sorry.
So I'm supposed to share 10 things about me this week. Just bear with it, it's part of the assignment:
...
1. My name is Ayase Izumi, Class 1-5, college prep class because I'm fucking smart, fuck yeah.
2. I hail from the great land of Kyoto where there's shrines every fucking turn because – you guessed it - Kyoto.
3. I transferred to Shuutoku because I set my house on fire.
4. My favorite food is anything without vegetables. Vegetables suck.
5. Am lactose intolerant. I also eat ice-cream three times a week and am fully prepared for the consequences in exactly twenty-seven minutes.
6. I'm bad at sports. Like. "I accidentally tossed the ball into the street because I panicked" bad.
7. My blood type is AB. Honestly I don't know why this is important but some guy called Kazunari told me to mention this to you. Honestly Japan culture is obsessed about blood types, sheesh.
8. My best subjects are English and Science. I've never gotten a score below 98 for those two. Yes, you may bow down to my excellence.
9. My favorite color is green. There's…no reason for this. I just like green.
10. My hair is the color of periwinkle. I'm considering changing it to something less noticeable so I don't get called a Blueberry Bitch by colorblind imbeciles. Like, blueberries aren't actually blue, they're dark purple. If you have to insult my goddamn hair at least get it right. Amateurs.
...
So that's it for now I guess. Am currently looking up pictures of the Megalodon and terrifying myself shitless because wow, did you know over 90% of the ocean is undiscovered? Does anyone understand how fucked up that is? Like? Nobody? Seriously? Imagine if global warming hits its breaking point and melts all the ice caps we'd all probably have to evacuate to either outer space or the sea for possibly the next millennia or so.
What kind of fucked up shit do you think lives in the deep sea? Humans won't stand a fucking chance, I'd tell you. What with the wishful existence of the Megalodon and very possibility of the Lock Ness Monster (I love Nessie okay, fight me). The blobfish is adorable though. I don't know why those mean scientists call it ugly like look at it! It's all squishy and jiggly. Like pudding. Love pudding by the way. I'll happily get diarrhoea for a bomb ass pudding.
Also, there's a Science test this Friday. Get well soon!
- Izumi
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Hi
Ayase,
I would like to say that it was a pleasant surprise to see your message this morning however it was not and quite frankly I nearly deleted it once I saw the amount of profanities in your email. Profanities should never be used in an email, it's unprofessional. Also I will take responsibility of collating our messages into a log as I've already planned out the format and created a private link for it, as gratitude for you informing of this assignment.
I agree that our homeroom teacher is a sentimental fool and possibly has histrionic personality disorder (HPD). If you are unaware of this disorder, it means that he has the constant need to be the center of attention and tends to be flirtatious and overdramatic to secure his spotlight. It is often confused to being "attention seeking".
Also for your information, Cancers were the lowest in the Oha-Asa ranking yesterday, and as I was unable to acquire my lucky item of the day – a blue flower – I fell ill with a case of the flu. This was due to the accursed old lady above my balcony who decided to "accidentally" pour an entire bucket of ice cold water on top of my head while I was drying my school uniform.
I hope she chokes on her 12 cats.
Here are 10, carefully selected facts about me as well as my response to your...questionable personal information:
...
1. Midorima Shintarou, Class 1-5, class representative, physical education representative and regular of the Shuutoku basketball team. And you clearly must have a modicum of intelligence to be in this class, I am assuming you must have done fairly well in your previous school to be streamlined into the college prep class so quickly.
2. As you can infer from the context above, I have a distaste for cats. The reasoning behind it is due to the circumstance where whenever I am without my lucky item, I will have a high chance of getting attacked by those accursed felines. Possible hypothesis is the grilled salmon my mother cooks for me every morning. However I refuse to abandon my daily dose of astaxanthin and protein for the sake of a few scratches. (I still dislike cats)
Also I must disagree with you in that Kyoto is a prestigious area brimming with culture and religion – and quite unfortunately due to a certain someone I would like to stay very clear of for the sake of my physical and mental state.
3. HOW DO YOU SET A HOUSE ON FIRE? Are you a pyromaniac? If you are I then I must confess that I am uncomfortable with associating myself with a pyromaniac for a classmate and I might inquire for a change of partners if you are to threaten my personal safety. Though I suspect a lucky item might work with countering your pyromaniac tendencies. I could also offer you some trustworthy rehabilitation centers for your sort if the need arises.
I play shogi and Go unprofessionally on the side. Stimulating hobbies, but I prefer shogi over Go.
4. You should eat your vegetables, they contain a healthy amount of dietary fibre which could possibly help with your lactose intolerance which I will gladly lecture you about in the next point. In full detail.
I would say my favorite food is red bean soup - however a healthy diet is really what you need to lead a more secure and stable lifestyle. Please set a proper diet for yourself - with what I'm seeing I'm presuming your diet is mostly meat and more meat and you have a high sugar intake with the amount of unstable energy I'm seeing in your previous email. I'm expecting you to live until the end of the semester to allow me to pass this module. You can do whatever you'd like with your diet afterwards.
5. As the son of a doctor I HIGHLY encourage you to lower down your dairy intake if you're experiencing diarrhoea with the amount of ice-cream you're indulging yourself with. If you plan on continuing, eating your vegetables will likely help you...digest easier when you are consuming dairy products. If not - cut down your dairy intake to manageable sizes everyday so at least you your body will have an easier time digesting lactase over time!
And yes, I plan to pursue further study in medicine after graduation. It is a stable and well-paying profession for someone with my caliber.
6. Remind me never to pair up with you for physical education.
Aside from basketball I am proficient in most physical activity. Volleyball comes to a close second due to the height advantage that I have over most of my peers.
7. Hm, very interesting. My blood type is B. We are compatible, I approve of our association. Please inform me of your horoscope when you return my email. Also, remind me to hit Takao the next time I see him.
8. How bold of you to presume that I would ever bow down to someone who has barely proven their worth? I personally expected more coming from a college prep class transfer. Any monkey who has methodically studied and written notes can acquire those scores.
I am extremely proficient in all Science subjects and to a minor degree - every other subject. As the class representative, you may approach me for any help that you might face with a subject. Please take this into consideration as I rarely offer my services to anyone. I am only extending this offer to you in hopes that Suzuki will see it as us attempting to get along.
9. I do not have a particular favorite color. However I agree that green is an...acceptable color.
10. I sympathize with you on the basis of bullies attempting to throw insults in the form of inconsistent information and facts. Frankly speaking if they spent that much time coming up with even a mildly creative insult they could spend that same amount of effort in their studies. I cannot comment on the color of your hair as I have not seen it and personally I do not care.
I have a younger sister. She is problematic. That is all.
I have skimmed through the rabble that is your obscure fascination with the deep sea and I have found several misconceptions. First - the Megaladon is extinct. It has been for centuries and there is scientific proof backing it. Do not bring it up again. I had to undergo two weeks of Kise getting traumatized by a deep sea documentary and trying to prove to my former team that the Mosasaurus is going to eat him in the pool. Akashi almost murdered him with four sets of drills.
I'd like to have you know that I went to look up pictures of a blowfish on Bing. It is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen and I am gravely questioning your sense of visual taste.
Also, do you always ramble unnecessarily like this? I am 98% certain you are harboring a small case of ADHD. Uncontrollable speech is under a hyperactive-impulsive sub-type of ADHD. If you are, eating fish everyday should help calm you down.
I express my gratitude for informing me of this test. Takao sleeps through lessons and is probably unaware of it due to his lack of respect for his education. I shall not tell him.
- Midorima Shintarou
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject:
Dear Midorima,
HOLY SHIT
- Izumi
Please drop a review as encouragement to keep on going~! Reviews are great!
Glossary:
College prep course - Japanese high schools have prep college courses for students who are particularly excelling in their subjects. Basically a prep class for excelling students.
Lactose intolerance - Despite popular belief, people with lactose intolerance can consume SOME dairy. Varies from person to person. I drink one carton of milk and 30 minutes later I'm having diahhorea.
Blood types - Japanese people are obsessed about their blood type and if you ask around any Japanese person they'd very likely know their blood type. A good portion of them believe that your blood type shapes your how your personality is like.
Megalodon - The largest shark/predator in the world. It (presumably) went extinct. It's fucking terrifying.
Go - Some of you already know what shogi is but Go is like a board game where the aim is to claim more territory then your opponent.
Midorima's subjects + sister - According to KnB wikia, Midorima excels in both Biology and Chemistry and is known to have an unnamed younger sister.
Also the reasoning why Midorima is being so medical and fussy is because his dream job aside from basketball is to be a doctor. According to the manga and the wikia he is only seen to be haughty and arrogant on court, so I decided to tone it down a notch when he's off of it (though he's still a tsundere little shit lmao).