Nothing is mine. Chapter names are from Ceremonials, by Florence + the Machine.
One: No Light, No Light
The wet pavement glittered, like diamonds, she thought, under the warm, yellow street lamps. The Volvo's tires hissed, the wiper blades slicing across the windshield in a steady metronome. Jackie's eyes watched a passing car in her side mirror; it's red taillights hazy in it's tail spray.
At Franklin and Green Bay Road she came to a stop, her hands briefly falling from the steering wheel to sit in her lap. The interior of the car was warm, but Jackie could feel the cold pressing at the windows, see the exhaust belch out a steady stream of vapor. Her nose dripped, the tip holding onto the freeze it had acquired after her last stop for fuel in Indiana. She reached for her packet of Kleenex, stifling the flow.
The Volvo's taillights lit up the hood of the car behind her, and Jackie could just make out the shapes of the people sitting in the front seats. Pulling the lapels of her coat closer, Jackie brought her eyes up, staring at the red traffic light. Stop it, she told herself, stop seeing him everywhere.
A car rolled to a stop beside her, and Jackie turned to look, almost out of instinct. She made eye contact with the girl in the passenger seat, the two sharing a small smile. The teenager turned away, snuggling closer to the driver, a boy with a mop of curly hair. He pressed his mouth to her hair, his right arm rising to wrap about her shoulders, and Jackie took a deep breath, looking away, her hands rising to grip the steering wheel again. Her heart beat a tattoo under her breast.
Her leather gloves squeaked against the leather steering wheel covering, her knuckles flexing under the soft, supple fleece lining. This had been a mistake, coming back here.
The light changed to green, and the pair of teens sped off, the Camaro fishtailing slightly in the rain. Jackie watched them go, foot firmly pressed to the brake. She felt a panic start in her breast. Too many memories, just like the scene she had just witnessed, rose to her minds eye. She had once been that teenaged girl, heart leaping in her chest, as her boyfriend peeled out, driving her off into a sunset of her own imagining.
A horn blared behind her, once, and then followed by a soft, apologetic beep, and Jackie jumped, a small cry escaping her lips. In the rearview mirror she saw the driver of the car behind her wave their hand in a Get A Move On way. She pressed on the gas, waving her hand in apology to the driver behind her. Shaking her curled hair back, Jackie chewed her lip ignoring the growing anxiety as she neared Point Place's Community Center.
The Volvo navigated the slick roads expertly, gliding into the parking lot. Her eyes roamed the assembled cars already parked, immediately searching for one she would know. She wasn't sure if she was happy or upset that she didn't recognize a single vehicle, but didn't bother to question herself for long. She had done enough of that in the weeks leading up to this trip. Parking near the front, Jackie pulled her purse closer, opening the zipper and pulling out her compact.
Swiping the cotton pad over her t-zone, Jackie's eyes caught a couple, bundled against the rain and cold pass by the bumper of her car. Could it be- She couldn't make out their faces. Dropping the compact into her purse, she pulled out her lipstick, twisting the tube open and applied it to her lips, rubbing the pigment into her skin.
Capping the lipstick, Jackie sat for a moment longer in her warm car, staring blankly out the windshield. Absently, she twisted the cap of her lipstick, comforted with the repetitive motion. The last time she had been here was her college graduation party, two years prior. Resigned to the fact that she wouldn't be hosting Jackie's bridal shower anytime soon, Pam had settled for her daughter's graduation instead, inviting practically all of Point Place.
It had become a party of frivolity that reminded Jackie of the parties her mother would host to support her father in his campaign races. Popularity contests. Drunken uncle's who's touches lingered just a moment too long. Aunts with plastic faces that bemoaned their lives of leisure and steady diet of Stoli martinis and Valium.
Not that Jackie had spent much of that time worrying about her mother's popularity party. She had been too wrapped up in a new possibility, one that she had long hoped would return to her. The familiarity of his body and his mouth had left her in a euphoric state for days afterward, and desolate in the weeks that followed that.
Suddenly angry, Jackie threw the lipstick into her purse, yanking the keys from the ignition.
Rain pelted her umbrella, and Jackie slid her key into the driver's door, locking it swiftly. Her purse slung across her shoulder, Jackie hurried as quickly as her heeled boots would let her to the entrance.
She was here for Eric, nothing more. She was here to support her friend, a friend she had had since high school. Nothing else mattered. She kept up the running mantra as she entered the building, closing her umbrella and shaking water droplets onto the carpet. The building's heaters pumped warm air into the small entrance hall, and Jackie slid her jacket off her body, draping it over her arm.
"Jackie?"
Turning to the right, Jackie smiled the first genuine smile she had had in days. Her heels struck the floor hard as she ran towards him, throwing her arms around his neck, umbrella swinging madly from her wrist. His hair smelt the same; his body pressed against hers was familiar. Relief covered her anxiety for the briefest of moments. "Oh, Michael!"
Michael wrapped his arms about her waist, drawing her closer. His breath was hot on her neck. "How are you? When did you get in?"
Pulling back, Jackie smiled up at his face. She pushed a curl back behind her ear. "Uhm, just now, actually."
"So late!" Michael admonished. "Where are you staying?"
"Oh, with Donna," Jackie answered, flippantly, securing her purse on her shoulder once more. "Is she here yet?"
"Nah," Michael said, his eyes searching over the top of her head. "I'm the first one here of the old gang. Donna said she couldn't get out of the station till six, and then she had to go pick up Keith."
"You want to head in? Get a good seat?" Jackie asked, motioning towards the open doors leading into the community center.
"Yeah, I think Jon already got us a table, so we can all sit together." Michael said. He extended his arm, smirking at Jackie's giggle as she looped hers through his. "I've missed you, Jackie."
"I've missed you too. How's Chicago? And Betsy?" Jackie asked. They walked tall into the community center, acting Prom King and Queen.
"Chicago's great!" Michael said genuinly. He led her across the tiled floor towards a table on the far side of the community center. "And Betsy's wonderful. She's in third grade. And Brooke has her in ballet. She had a recital last week, and I gotta say, she's a natural. Obviously, she got it from me."
Picturing Michael's dance moves, Jackie laughed heartily. If Betsy had any of Michael's dance moves than Jackie could only imagine the number of children who had left the recital with black eyes and bruised toes.
"And Brooke?" Jackie asked. "How is she doing?"
Michael's mouth quirked, the corner rising and falling. His eyes had grown distant and closed off. "I think she's doing ok. No one was expecting her mom to go so rapidly. Cancer, y'know."
"Yeah, I heard," Jackie replied.
A dark haired man roughly their age stood from his seat as they neared the table. He smiled at Jackie, coming around the table to wrap her in a hug. She squeezed his shoulders, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. "Jon! So good to see you again."
"And you." Jon said, releasing her. He held her at arms length, scanning her lithe form. "You look great!"
Jackie struck a pose. "Oh, Jane Fonda."
"Who else?" Jon asked rhetorically.
They all took their seats, a waiter coming around and taking their drink order. Music softly played, a DJ set up in the corner by the restrooms. Jackie draped her coat and purse across the chair beside her, hooking the umbrella strap on the edge. The waiter set a glass of white wine before her, and Jackie grabbed at the glass, taking a small sip. Anything to help calm her nerves.
Michael and Jon kept up a steady stream of conversation, helping Jackie along when she dropped out at the arrival of any newcomers through the door. The pair of men shared a look, concern on their faces.
"I can't believe it's been two years!" Jackie exclaimed, chewing her tongue. She felt jittery with suppressed emotion and energy. "It almost feels like no time has passed at all."
"Jackie, look. There's something you should know." Michael said, leaning across Jon to bring Jackie in close.
"What?" Jackie asked distractedly. Her dark eyes pinged back to the entrance and slowly back again to Michael. She was half listening, missing the tone of his voice. If she had been fully listening she would have picked up on the change in cadence, the urgency that laced his words. If she had been listening she would have heard the warning in Michael's voice, the way Jon hummed his agreement.
"About two years ago, after your graduation party-" Michael's voice faded as he realized he no longer had Jackie's attention at all.
Steven had entered the community center, along with Eric and a pair of women. Jackie leaned away from Michael and Jon, her eyes fixed unblinking on the group. Her penetrating gaze caught Steven's attention, and he turned, immediately making eye contact. Caught, Jackie smiled and gave a peppy wave, turning back to Jon and Michael as if she hadn't been staring.
"Did I tell you two about the news station?" Jackie asked, bringing her glass of wine closer. Her heart was positively pounding, and she swallowed over the flutter it caused in her throat. The two men shared another look. Michael opened his mouth to speak again, but Jackie rushed on, her energy dispelling with her words and morphing instead into tense anticipation. She noted that her voice had risen an octave. "We're under new management. The new owner is very impressed with me and my work, says he's never met another investigative journalist who can present gory details in such a bright light."
"Hey." Steven's voice broke in.
Jackie pretended she hadn't quite heard, sipping her wine, a hand rising to curl a lock of hair about her pointer finger.
"Hey!" Michael said, his voice unsure. He and Jon stood, and they all shook hands. Michael glanced down at Jackie and then back up to Steven. "How ya been, man?"
"I've been great, yeah," Steven said. He looked down at Jackie. His voice lowered an octave, not that the others, besides Jackie, noticed. "Hey, Jackie."
"Steven!" Jackie said. She turned slightly in her seat, elbow resting on the table. Her left hand touched her neck and she smiled demurely. "It's been a while."
"Yeah." Steven said simply. They stared for a moment longer at one another. He cleared his throat, breaking eye contact. "This is Heather."
Jackie's eyes slid to the right, settling on the blonde woman at Steven's side. She scanned the other woman, stopping on Steven's hand hung low on Heather's hip. The same way he used to hold her. Heather smiled at Jackie, offering a hand. "Hi, Jackie, it's nice to finally meet you."
"Yes, you too," Jackie said, with false bravado, trying to remember when any of her friends had told her Steven was seeing someone. She took Heather's hand, noting the soft skin. Briefly, Jackie looked to Michael, questioning this newcomer.
"May I?" Heather asked, pointing to the chair beside Jackie where her coat and purse sat.
"Oh." Jackie said, staring stupidly at her possessions. She reached forward in a haze, lifting them off the seat of the chair and into her lap. "Uhm, sure."
Steven opened his mouth to say something, but Heather had already extradited herself from his grasp and sat with a soft sigh beside Jackie. She ordered a white wine from the waiter, sliding her jacket down her arms and across the back of her chair.
Jackie sat frozen a second longer, then copied Heather's movements, draping her coat and purse over the back of her own chair. She took a sip of wine. Jon and Michael were watching her closely. The DJ began to play The Cars. Jackie laughed sharply. She touched the hollow of her throat, blinking as if something were caught in her eye. "I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"
"You were telling us about your job." Jon supplied. He drained his whiskey, holding the glass up to signal the waiter for a refill.
"Right." Jackie said. She grew quiet. She felt the skin at the hollow of her neck tingle as she pinched herself.
Steven took a seat at the table on Heather's right. He kept his coat on, his neck disappearing into the wool collar, his body seemingly withering under Kelso's accusatory glare.
"So, Jackie," Heather started, her voice congenial. "Steven tells me you live in Florida? And you're on TV? How exciting!"
"Yeah, yeah, it is." Jackie said. She adopted her peppy cheerleader voice. "And I'm right by the beach, so it's basically a vacation every day."
"No wonder you have such a perfect tan in November!" Heather exclaimed. Jackie nearly flinched at Heather's touch, a soft fingertip trailing down her bicep, as if they were old friends. "I wish I had a job as exciting as yours. I teach kindergarten at Old Main."
"Old Main?" Jackie asked, her eyes narrowing. "Old Main was burned down, like, twenty years ago."
"Oh, they've rebuilt it." Heather explained. "They bulldozed the old building that was there, and built over its foundation."
"Mm." Jackie hummed, looking across Heather at Steven. His blue eyes skirted away. "Kindergarten? That sounds like hard work. I don't know that I could handle that many children for a full day."
"The kids are wonderful at that age, very curious about everything," Heather said. She finger combed a lock of her blonde hair. "It's great to experience that. Of course, I told Steven that when we have children, he'd have to handle them till they're about five or six." Heather laughed kindly, her hand falling from her hair to land on Steven's upper arm. He gave her a warm look, and turned away, silent. "I'm an only child, and I don't have much experience with babies. But Steven, he's amazing with children."
Jackie drained the last of her wine glass. It burned acidly down her throat and into her empty belly. "Are you expecting?"
Michael coughed on his whiskey. Jon pounded on his back.
Heather's smile froze as she pondered Jackie's question. "Expecting?"
Jackie's eyebrows rose. The tops of Steven's ears were bright red.
"Oh!" Heather exclaimed. She laughed heartily. "No, not yet." She brought up her left hand, exposing a large solitaire on her ring finger. "But we are engaged."
The diamond glittered teasingly at her. The anxious butterflies that had settled in her stomach since crossing into Point Place had finally stopped their fluttering. A slab of concrete had squashed them into a juicy pulp. Jackie could feel the eyes of the four other occupants at the table on her and she forced a smile to rise on her mouth. Grasping Heather's soft fingers, Jackie admired the ring, a gold band, and the flawless marquis shaped diamond that goaded her from it's cathedral setting.
"Congratulations!" Jackie exclaimed, convincing even herself, that she meant it. "How wonderful for you both!"
Heather beamed. "Thank you! It's still very new." She brought her hand before her face, admiring her ring. Steven stared at it from his spot like something he had never seen before. "Steven only just proposed on our two year anniversary last week."
"I'm sorry. I think I heard you wrong. What did you say?" Jackie asked, flabbergasted.
"Eric!" Kelso belted. He stood from the table, abandoning the rest of them. "Oh, thank god. Eric! Over here!"
Jackie was saved from further conversation. Eric and his fiancé, Nancy, had finally arrived, Mr. and Mrs. Forman behind them. Pushing back her chair, Jackie muttered an Excuse Me to the others, forcing herself to calmly walk across the community hall towards the newcomers.
Two-year anniversary? Jackie asked herself, blind rage and jealousy white hot under her skin.
"Jackie!" Mrs. Forman exclaimed, drawing Jackie into a hug. The older woman held her close, nearly bouncing with excitement. "Oh, dear, it's so good to see you! You're so tan!" Mrs. Forman ended their hug, her hands gripping Jackie's waist. "And skinny. Are you not eating enough? You simply have to come for dinner while you're in town! We'll get some meat on these bones."
After assuring Mrs. Forman that she was indeed eating, and yes, would love to come to dinner, Jackie greeted Mr. Forman, forcing a hug upon him despite his best efforts to evade her grasp. Eric accepted her hug with grace, nothing souring his mood on this night, the night before his wedding.
"Jackie," Eric greeted, "you remember Nancy?"
"Of course!" Jackie said. She smiled conspiratorially. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?"
"Not at all." Nancy said, pressing a kiss to Eric's cheek. He blushed, but the look he gave Nancy, so full of love and adoration, made Jackie sad and a bit jealous of their closeness. She pressed a hand to her belly, watching these two, so obviously in love, make goo-goo eyes at one another, ignoring the pair of eyes she could feel on her back across the room. Betrayal. That's what it was she was feeling right this moment. Betrayal, and anger, and jealousy, all mixed up into one.
Nancy turned back to Jackie. "I'm really glad you were able to come up. How was the drive?"
"You drove?" Mr. Forman asked. "From Florida? Are you crazy? Do you realize how many lunatics there are on the road?"
"I was very careful, Mr. Forman." Jackie said, feeling slightly warmed by his concern. The jealousy that threatened to take over and suffocate her abated at his words.
Mr. Forman harrumphed, moving off into the community center.
"Come on," Michael said. "We got a table over here."
"Oh, we should probably go say hello to Nancy's parents first." Eric said. "Then we'll be over."
Jackie and Michael made their way back to the table. Heather was nuzzling Steven's neck when Jackie sat, but stopped once the others reappeared. Her blonde hair shone under the dimmed lights, almost as much as the diamond on her finger. Jon had ordered more drinks for them and he shot Jackie a look a concern that she didn't want, nor need.
The waiter was bringing around a tray of salads. A basket of bread had been set in the middle of the table, dishes of butter set evenly spaced between those seated.
"Pepper?" The waiter asked Jackie, producing a massive pepper mill and holding it over her plate.
"Yes, please." Jackie said, holding up her fingers to signal him 'when'.
Eric and Nancy soon joined them, and the conversation turned to their nuptials in the morning. Jackie was thankful she didn't have to contribute much, spearing lettuce onto her fork. Donna and her boyfriend Keith arrived before the main course, both of them apologizing for their tardiness.
"Things are just so hectic at the station right now." Donna said, taking a seat between Kelso and Keith. Keith helped her out of her coat, mumbling his agreement. She wore a low-cut dress, her hair, once again red, wound into a smooth French twist.
Michael brought the conversation once again to the events of tomorrow. Jackie placed her fingers on the base of her glass, swirling her wine around and around.
Jackie peered around the community center, at all the people she had known for years, if not her whole life, and felt disconnected. She had become a voyeur into this life, and she wasn't sure she wanted a pass to it anymore. Everything was the same, and yet, now, everything was different. She was the only one who had left, the only one who had moved on.
Only she hadn't. Moved on, that is. This trip was testament to that.
Florida had beckoned and her body had flown, desperate to escape. But her heart, her stupid, stupid heart had stayed behind. She'd had the opportunity to stay in Wisconsin, to report for a prominent station in Milwaukee. She'd ruined that chance though. She'd ruined many chances, she thought, bringing her glass to her mouth. Her pink lipstick rimmed the glass, leaving behind a perfect imprint of her skin.
He'd asked her to stay, on that night, two years ago, here in this very hall. He had kissed her mouth raw, thumbs sweeping the crests of her cheeks, and asked her to stay. Begged her even, using every tactic he thought would work.
All she had had to do was say yes. But she hadn't said anything. She had thought he would come after her; beg her to return, or maybe stay with her in Florida. But he hadn't done that. He hadn't done anything. He'd let her go. And now she knew why.
Jackie was brought out of her reverie by Donna. The tall redhead had come around the table, bending low over Jon's shoulder and whispering in his ear. Jon stood, taking his whiskey with him, and Donna sat in his place, smiling at Jackie.
"Hey, how are you?" Donna breathed. Her smile was easy across her mouth, but Jackie noticed the twitch at the corners of her lips. Donna's blue eyes held a secret, and she gave Jackie the same look of concern that Jon had given her when Heather had announced her engagement to Steven. Blind anger welled in Jackie's belly, and she rolled her eyes, unable to stifle the motion.
"I'm great, Donna." Jackie said. She sighed, shaking her hair back. "I'm loving life, actually, thanks for asking."
Donna looked disbelieving, but she didn't argue. "That's wonderful. How's work? Did the station manager end up selling?"
Jackie filled Donna in on her life, dropping back into an existence she hadn't lived in years. If she were to close her eyes, she could imagine she was back in Donna's blue childhood bedroom, the two gossiping over the day's events, or what their boyfriends had been up to. Back when they were best friends and shared every aspect of their day-to-day lives.
But this… This was just a shallow version of what their friendship had been all those years ago. Jackie felt a sudden urge to cry rise up her throat, heat prickling at her eyes. She cut herself off, swallowing a sip of wine. Donna noticed the change, her eyebrows furrowing with worry.
"I'm just going to go to the ladies." Jackie said, standing suddenly. She knocked elbows with Heather, spilling the blonde's wine all over her lap. Heather leapt up from her seat, a cry falling from her lips. Jackie gave Heather her napkin. "I'm so sorry! Oh, my god, what a klutz."
Heather took the napkin, blotting her dress. She smiled softly and genuinely. "No, it's ok, it was just an accident."
Jackie looked around for the waiter. Tears threatened to spill over her lashes. "I'll get you some club soda."
"No, really." Heather said, sweeping the napkin over the fabric. "I'll just go rinse it in the bathroom."
"I'll go with you," Jackie heard herself saying. She hooked her arm through Heather's, leading them across the hall towards the ladies room. Palming open the door, Jackie took the napkin clutched in Heather's hand and wet it at the sink. Her mouth kept formulating and spitting out words. "I really am, sorry that is."
Heather waved away her apology, taking the napkin again from Jackie. "It's really nothing. I'm not upset. Accidents happen."
That's how she does it, Jackie thought, frowning and looking at Heather under the fluorescent lighting. That's how she handles all those kids. She was a genuinely kind person. Heather was pretty enough, Jackie observed. She had clear blue eyes set in a heart shaped face and full lips. She was a couple inches taller than Jackie, and had fuller breasts than Jackie would ever own, except in the event she were to pack on weight or pay to have them surgically altered. But the full bosom that peaked over the neck of Heather's dress moved like natural breasts and Jackie averted her gaze before Heather noticed.
"Are you ok?"
Jackie's head sprang up. "What?"
Heather shrugged. "I know we just met, but I'm a fairly good judge of character. You seem upset."
Jackie's mouth opened and closed like a fish.
"I'm sorry, it's none of my business." Heather laughed softly, her fingers wringing the napkin over the sink. "Steven says that I'm too nosy. I've been trying to work on it."
Jackie eyed the other girl. "I'm fine. It's just been a long drive from Sarasota."
Heather nodded in understanding. "Did you only just get into town?"
Jackie nodded. She could feel the bite of her anguish at the back of her throat. She didn't trust herself to speak. The glaring lights burned her eyes and she blinked rapidly, turning away towards the wall of stalls. "I'm sorry, I really need to go."
"I'll meet you back at the table." Heather said, her heels echoing off the tiled walls as she left the room.
Closing the door and pulling the lock behind her, Jackie leaned back against the wall of the stall, her tears finally beginning to fall. She knew she shouldn't have come back here. She should have stayed in Sarasota, in her duplex, with her cat, Dynasty, and crazy next-door neighbor, Gloria. Mark Harris, her fellow anchor, had wanted to go on a date, but she had turned him down, and now she didn't know why. For this? This feeling of inadequacy and loneliness?
Crying in earnest, Jackie let her head fall back against the stall. She cried till she was spent, and exhausted with the effort. Her chin quivered and her hands shook. Her palms swept under her eyes, drawing away her tears and streaks of mascara. She took short, stuttering breaths, embarrassed with herself.
How long had she been in here? Taking several deep breaths, Jackie unlocked the bathroom stall, exiting towards the sinks. She stared at her expression and ruined makeup, cursing she hadn't thought to bring her purse with her.
The bathroom door swung open and Jackie looked up, meeting Donna's eyes. Holding up Jackie's purse, Donna said, "I thought you might need this."
"Thanks." Jackie said, taking the bag from Donna's grasp. She undid the zipper, pulling out her small makeup bag. She dipped her finger in her foundation, touching up under her eyes.
"So it's true then?" Donna asked softly, leaning her hip against the counter. "What happened?"
"What do you think happened?" Jackie asked, swapping her foundation for her powder compact. "I'm highly stressed at the moment, I just needed a good cry to help alleviate the tension."
"Uh huh." Donna said. She turned around, smoothing a few flyaway hairs back into her twisted hair. "Y'know, she's not a bad person."
"Who?" Jackie asked, playing dumb. She reapplied her mascara, sparing a glance at Donna.
"Heather." Donna said. They made eye contact in the mirror. Another girl from another life, hung suspended between them. Jackie felt her face morph from its look of practiced indifference to cold betrayal. "Look," Donna started, "I know what I did when Samantha was here, but this is different, Jackie."
"Ok?" Jackie said, acting like she wasn't affected. Her mascara pinged slightly too hard back into her makeup bag, belying her response. "I'm totally over that. Have been over that for years."
Donna chewed on her lower lip. "They're serving the main course."
"Excellent." Jackie said, dropping her tube of gloss back into her makeup bag and stuffing that into her purse. She fluffed her hair and pursed her mouth, placing her bag under her arm. Pivoting on her heel, she left Donna at the counter. "I'm starving."
Jon spun her expertly in his arms, his hand on the small of her back. His fingers alternated their pressure, telling her where to go. They controlled the dance floor, maneuvering their way around the other dancers. They waltzed like professionals, bringing the attention of the others on the dance floor. Probably because they were waltzing to Foreigner's I've Been Waiting For A Girl Like You. Jackie didn't care. She'd had enough wine to not care about anything. Neither spoke as Jon held her close to him. Jackie could feel the questions he had pulsing from his hands into her body. He didn't voice them though, and she didn't invite conversation. She just wanted to dance. Dancing was something she was good at.
Jon dipped her low, his hand supporting her weight, as the song came to a close. Jackie smiled, thanking him. He returned her smile, squeezing her hand.
"May I?"
Jackie turned to Michael, accepting his hand. The new song was faster, and Michael danced exuberantly, his feet dangerously close to Jackie's toes. She laughed in delight and let him spin her around and around.
Pulling her close, Michael yelled over the music into her ear, "Remember that disco we went to in Kenosha?"
"Yes!" Jackie exclaimed.
"You didn't dance with me that night!" Michael said, pouting. "You owe me!"
Michael spun her away, drawing her back to his chest. They cleared the floor around them with their movements. The music pounded in Jackie's body, echoing her heartbeat. Sweat gathered on the back of her neck, her hair sticking to her skin. She panted with effort, loving every second that brought her reprieve from her thoughts.
Wine drunk, Jackie danced like no one was watching. She danced like she danced when she was alone, in her duplex, after a particularly grating day at work. She put all her emotion and frustration into her movements and Michael helped, spinning and twirling her like he had done when they were younger, dancing together at prom. He had always been good at helping her forget her problems. When they were younger it was because he didn't want to hear her talk for hours of her frustrations, he had only wanted to have fun. Now it was because he knew she needed this, knew her better than she gave him credit for.
Ever since her departure from the ladies restroom, Jackie had felt Steven's eyes on her. As they ate the main course of chicken piccata, she had ignored him with the tact of a woman unaffected. She was immovable. She was a TV personality and a woman who didn't need the attention of her high school boyfriend. Through the toasts by the wedding party and parents, and desert of tiramisu, she had ignored him, but with less success, meeting his eye more frequently. And every time she had smiled as though she were acknowledging a fan, distant and impassive.
Resigned, she had ordered more wine. She would enjoy her evening. He wouldn't take that from her too. He had already taken enough from her. She had laughed along with the others at the appropriate times as the speeches were made, and had squealed in delight when the DJ began to play music for them all to dance to.
The song melded into the next and Jackie waved one hand before her face, the other lifting her tangled curls off the nape of her neck. She leaned close to Michael. "I need air! I'm going to go outside to cool off a bit."
Michael nodded, dancing off towards Jon and Donna. The two opened up their dance, allowing Michael to join. Jackie turned the other way, weaving across the dance floor towards the double doors. She stepped out into the entrance hall, sweat beading on her brow. Continuing across the carpeted entrance hall, Jackie pushed the heavy doors open, nearly groaning with pleasure as cold air washed over her face and body.
Her slick skin steamed in the sudden change in temperature and Jackie shivered. She felt her nipples harden in the cool wind. The rain had finally stopped leaving behind a crisp, clean scent. Her Volvo sparkled at her from across the parking lot and Jackie stepped to the right of the doors, over to where a line of benches were set into the community centers wall.
Taking gulping breaths, Jackie sat on one of the benches, her ankles crossing under her. Her breath crystalized before her, and her skin soon was dry and sticky from her sweat. Gooseflesh had erupted up and down her bare arms and legs. She closed her eyes, upturning her face to the night sky.
"Here."
Jackie's eyes popped open and she sprang up from the bench.
"Sorry," Steven said, taking a step back. He searched her face for a moment. Again his arm rose, offering her her coat. "I wanted to bring you this. It's cold."
"Yes." Jackie said. She took her coat, wrapping it around her shoulders. She dropped to the bench again, sitting square in the middle and leaving no room for a guest. "Thanks."
"Yeah." Steven said. And then he stood there, as if waiting for something. Steven pushed his hands deep into his pockets, his feet widening their stance.
Jackie could feel herself growing annoyed, and she turned a burning glare onto her ex. The acid that dripped from her tongue blistered her own mouth. "What?"
Steven was already watching her cautiously, expecting her irate burst. He didn't react to her bitter words. He licked his lips, eyes searching hers. "We need to talk."
Her shoulders rising to her ears, Jackie pursed her mouth. "I don't agree."
Clearly not expecting that answer, Steven paused. One hand left his coat pocket, rubbing at the corners of his mouth. His fingers pinched his lower lip, and he cleared his throat, making a decision. "It doesn't matter if you agree, we need to talk. And you know it, Jackie."
Jackie scoffed. Where had this Steven come from? Assertive had never been his strong suit, at least not when it came to conversation. How many times had she spent crying and in agony over a stupid argument that had long gotten out of hand simply because he had refused to talk to her? How many nights had she wasted wishing she hadn't said what she had said, or said more?
"Y'know." Jackie stood from the bench, taking one step out. She could still hear the bitterness in her words. Her hands rose to hold her coat to her body. "We spent the majority of our relationship not talking. Now that we are no longer in one, nor have been in one for some time, I think we'll survive not talking."
"I need to explain."
"You don't need to explain anything."
"Yes, I do. And so do you."
Jackie sneered, stepping around Steven. "Leave me alone, Steven. It's what you're good at."
Steven reached out, gripping her upper arm. His fingers squeezed her arm tight and Jackie cried out. He loosened his hold, but didn't release her. "Stop it. You owe me this."
"Geez, does everyone in this town think I owe them something?" Jackie asked rhetorically. "You. Michael."
"Kelso? What do you owe Kelso?" Steven asked.
"What do you care?" Jackie spat back, jerking her arm away.
That familiar glance of insecurity at the mention of her and Kelso flitted across his gaze, disappearing as quickly as it came. If Jackie hadn't known him as well as she did, known his signs and tells, she too would have missed it. But she knew him better than she had ever known anyone else in her entire life. At least, she had. This person standing in front of her was different too. The same, and yet different.
"Jackie, please." Steven beseeched her. "We need to talk."
"I didn't come here for this, Steven." Jackie started, meeting his eye. "I came here for Eric and Nancy."
"Yeah, I know." Steven said. "I came here for them, too, y'know."
"Then let's not do this, and say we didn't." Jackie said, turning on her heel. She ignored his call of her name, hurrying back into the community center.
"Hey!" Donna said from their table, her smile freezing on her lips. "You ok? Where have you been?"
"Oh, I just needed some air." Jackie said, waving off her concern. She slid her arms into her coat, and grabbed her purse, slinging it over her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, but I'm really tired. Driving for two days straight will do that to a person." Jackie grabbed her umbrella, slinging the strap over her wrist. "I think I'm just going to head to your place, if that's cool?"
"We'll come with you." Donna said, turning to look for Keith.
"No!" Jackie nearly yelled. She laughed, as if her outburst hadn't been nearly as psychotic sounding as it really was. Heather was frowning up at her with concern, her diamond ring glittering in the soft light. Jackie forced her attention back to Donna. "No, really, you're having a good time. Just give me a key and I'll let myself in."
Donna found her own house key, taking it off of the ring. She handed it to Jackie along with a verbal set of instructions on how to get to the house. Jackie repeated them back to her, slipping the key into her coat pocket.
"I set up the guest room for you." Donna said, walking with her to the exit. Steven was coming in as they neared the doors and he paused, waiting. "There are clean towels in the bathroom. We'll be home soon, if you need anything, just ask or look."
"Thanks, Donna." Jackie said. "I'm good, honestly, just tired."
Donna continued to follow her, for which Jackie was grateful. Steven scowled, remaining quiet as Jackie flew past him and out into the night. She refused to turn back to see if he was still there. She didn't care, she told herself. She didn't care at all.
The Volvo rumbled to life, idling hard. Warm air blasted from the vents and Jackie shifted the car into reverse, forcing herself to keep from peeling out from the parking lot onto the main road. Soft music drifted through the cars speakers and she tried to focus on the tones, on the steady beat of the wiper blades.
Donna and Keith's single story house was easy enough to find, and Jackie parked before it on the curb. Her heavy suitcase bumped against her thigh as she made her way up the salted walk. They had left the porch light on, and a lamp burning in the living room. Jackie didn't bother to spend time judging the décor. She turned immediately left down the short hall and into what she took as the guest room.
A large wicker bed took up much of the room's space, and Jackie fell onto it fully clothed. She wanted to cry again, at her own stupidity. She never learned. Jackie was unsure how long she lay upon the bed, but eventually rose to change into her thick, flannel pajamas. She turned her back to the bedroom door, ignoring Donna's soft knock when they arrived home about an hour later. The bedroom door whooshed open over the high plush carpet, and Jackie squeezed her eyes shut, ignoring Donna's soft whisper of her name.
The door closed just as softly, and Jackie's eyes drifted open. She stared at the curtains covering the window, at the ambient, yellow light drifting through the pale pink fabric.
You owe me this. Steven's words echoed in her brain. Maybe she did owe him an explanation, Jackie thought, tears gathering. She had left him. But he'd left her first. He'd betrayed her first. Everything came back full circle, and it was his fault, Jackie decided. He should have come after her; he should have come after her to Florida. He should have put that diamond ring on her finger.
Jackie curled onto her side, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes. Mascara stung her eyes, and it hurt, holding back the force of her tears. She could hear Donna and Keith in the room next to hers, their voices soft as they spoke, and softer still as they began to make love.
Rolling onto her back, Jackie sighed heavily, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes and collecting in the shells of her ears.
Tomorrow was a new day. Tomorrow she would be a new woman.
She just had to get through the wedding. One more day. She could do that, Jackie thought, wishing she could believe it.