A/N: This is what I was imagining (hoping) was going through Kate's mind in interrogation, but I guess we'll have to wait until September to know for sure. I wrote this quickly so it may be a bit raw, but I wanted to put it out there.
AM owns it all, and wields it as he sees fit.
Chapter 1
"This room is my home!"
She heard the words echo around interrogation as though it were a proclamation, a vow, an epiphany.
All her life she had worked tirelessly to do more, be more; to make a difference by being an ever sharper instrument of justice. She just had always assumed that it would be within the confines of the five boroughs. She never once had aspirations of something on a national scale and on some level judged Feds as heartless, as though not staking a local claim was a character flaw.
But she could be more.
More than what? She thought back on her interview, tugged her fingertips through her hair as she paced. He said her record was commendable her closure rate was exemplary, but it had been years since it had been hers alone. The truth was, she couldn't claim those accolades independently.
She came back from the interview hating herself for keeping it secret, but really, it wasn't supposed to come of anything but a chance to feel that she had earned an interview. After her mother died and her father's stint of alcoholism she looked for outside affirmation. Neither situations were her fault, but the feeling of inadequacy spurred her to cling to her work, finding fulfillment in stats and reviews, advancements and most of all gratitude from victims. But once a case was over there was another family for which she could bring either disappointment or closure. One case would end and the cycle started over.
She had stepped on the plane to gauge her professional worth. She had no illusions about it going further than that. She wasn't even sure she wanted it to go farther than that – until it did.
Throughout this last case, every verbal volley she had with Castle, every time Esposito and Ryan supported the investigation by digging deep, every time she looked at the whiteboard and saw a culmination of a team effort, it made her feel hollow.
On paper she wanted the job. On paper she was qualified for it, but the reality was she stood on the shoulders of others and it was the perfect combination of people who made her exceptional.
It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and the biggest catch 22 of her life.
Professional success vs. her one shot at a personal relationship that would lead to the proverbial picket fence that she had always wanted and feared.
She knew she could adapt to the new job. She would work tirelessly to learn, to work with a new team and succeed. Professional obsession was her old friend.
Still, her dad was right. She'd never been this far into a relationship and while success in DC was within her control, this relationship with Castle was not something she could direct alone. She had always feared failure, and no matter how strong a relationship, there were no guarantees.
She loved Castle, so much so that the loss of him would cripple her. Yet part of her, the insecure nineteen year old, wondered if she was worth following, worth fighting for despite the distance. If Castle weren't in the picture she would have been elated and already packed to move to such an exciting and high profile job. She would have the position that was too much of a pipe dream to even be in her ten-point plan. She would have everything she ever wanted professionally. She would have left the 12th with bittersweet feelings for her team and she would make an effort to keep in touch, but it wasn't Ryan and Espo that gave her pause, it wasn't leaving the city she loved.
It was only Castle that made the move a formidable decision.
She stormed around the room, nearly forgetting that she was interrogating a suspect. Then it hit her.
It was her last interrogation and she was in the room alone.
She folded her arms and faced away from the suspect.
Maybe being around a writer nurtured her penchant for symbolism, but she felt unsettled. What would it be like, really be like, to not have Castle ever in the interrogation room with her again? What would it be like to see a horrific case and know that his arms were states away? What if he needed her? If Alexis were kidnapped when Kate was on assignment, she might not even know. Even if he did follow her to DC and they had the closest thing to a picket fence her job would allow, would she call to tuck her daughter in at night as Jordan Shaw had done? Kate thought about her parents tucking her in at night and how her mother would not have given the little time she had to work more and read fewer bedtime stories.
She had thought that she would resent Castle if she chose him over this opportunity. But what would Jordan Shaw resent at the end of her life?
As Detective Beckett looked at the room reflected in the one-way mirror what she wanted became so much clearer.
She took a deep breath and gathered calm from the room that knew her so intimately. She turned to the suspect and again declared with a gleam in her eye.
"This is my home!"
Well, that's my quick take on this. I'd love to hear your thoughts.