Title: Journey's End GAMESHOW STYLE!
Rating: K
Summary: Complete crack!fic. What if Journey's End was a gameshow, with companions as contestants and Russell T Davies as the host?
Disclaimer: Look at this, then look at the real Journey's End. Can you see a resemblance? I can't. And that's because I have nothing to do with the real Doctor Who. Oh, I also borrowed a concept from another show, which I'll say at the end coz I don't want to spoil it.
Author's Note: I can't remember where this came from - only that I've been wanting to write it for a while now. I figure with all the angsty Journey's End fics out there, you need one like this to lighten things up a bit.
Journey's End GAMESHOW STYLE!
(Audience applauds as show comes back from break.)
Host: "Hello, welcome back to Journey's End. I'm your host, Russell T Davies. Well, we have three remaining contestants – Rose, Mickey, and Donna. At the moment Mickey is ahead of Rose by 20 points and Donna is not far behind. Let's get back to it!"
(Gameshow music plays.)
Host: "Okay, it's question time. Which companion originally encountered Davros with the Doctor?"
(Rose hits her buzzer.)
Rose: "Sarah Jane."
Host: "Correct."
(Rose smirks at the other contestants, who glare at her.)
Host: "Next question – how many planets did the Daleks steal in order to make the reality bomb?"
(Donna hits her buzzer.)
Donna: "Twenty-six."
(Loud buzzer sounds.)
Host: "No I'm sorry Donna, the correct answer is twenty-seven."
Donna: "Oh are we including the Earth? I thought it was apart from Earth."
Host: "No Donna, we can't give you that one."
Donna: "But that's not fair! I'm the Doctor-Donna! I'm brilliant!"
Host: "Of course you are Donna. Okay, it is now time for our extra prize, so let's go over to Julie!"
(Julie Gardner stands in another part of the studio, wearing a long red dress.)
Host: "So what's tonight's special prize, Julie?"
Julie: "Well Russell, tonight's prize is a one-way ticket to travel between universes. Perfect for someone seeking an escape from a universe where they are no longer needed or appreciated."
Host: "That sounds lovely, Julie. And one of the contestants could win that prize – but there's a catch. They must look down the barrel of the camera and declare, 'I am a tin dog'. Will any of our contestants take the prize? We shall see."
(There is silence for a few moments. The camera scans each contestant, one by one. Rose leans towards her buzzer, tempted, but pulls back. Donna stands with her arms folded across her chest. Mickey stands there sweating, then finally presses the buzzer.)
Host: "We have a winner! Mickey Smith, congratulations, you are almost the winner of this wonderful prize. However, there is one thing you have to do first."
Mickey: "Yeah, yeah. (Stares down the barrel of the camera, and sighs.) I am a tin dog."
(Audience laughs.)
Host: "Well done Mickey – a ticket back to your old universe, and all it cost was your dignity."
(Mickey rolls his eyes.)
Host: "Okay, it's time for the final round now. After this, whoever has the most points will have the chance to win tonight's grand prize. Hands on your buzzers compan-, I mean contestants."
(The contestants stand with their hands over their buzzers.)
Host: "Which Dalek went insane after travelling into the Time War?"
(Rose presses buzzer.)
Rose (quite loudly): "Dalek Caan!"
Host: "Correct. What was the name of the device intended to destroy the Earth using nuclear warheads?"
(Mickey hits his buzzer.)
Mickey: "The Osterhagen Key."
Host: "Correct. How was the Daleks' plan to detonate the reality bomb overcome?"
(Donna presses her buzzer triumphantly.)
Donna (quickly and confidently): "Closing all Z-Neutrino relay loops using an internalised synchronous back-feed reversal loop!"
Host: "Correct. Oh, but we're out of time – and I'm afraid Donna, you still finish in last place."
Donna: "Wha'?"
Host: "Yes, just a few points behind Mickey, and as a result of losing the game, you also lose all your memories of your life with the Doctor."
(Two guards grab Donna from behind and drag her away.)
Donna: "Noooooooooo! You can't do this to me! I'm the Doctor-Donna! I'm the Doctor-Donna!"
Host: "Now Mickey, we'll be saying goodbye to you as well, but you walk away with that wonderful trip back to your own universe."
Mickey (smiling): "Thank you very much."
Host: "Which means Rose Tyler is our winner tonight!"
(The audience applauds wildly, though there are a few boos from the Rose-haters.)
(Host walks up to Rose and shakes her hand.)
Host: "Well done Rose, how do you feel?"
Rose: "I can't believe it! It's like a dream come true!"
Host: "Well the dream's not over yet, because Julie is out the front with tonight's grand prize. Julie, tell Rose what she's playing for."
(Camera focuses on Julie, who is standing next to a tall box with a curtain in the front.)
Julie: "Tonight's grand prize is... (She pulls a cord to open the curtain) ... the Doctor!"
(The Doctor stands in the box, waving at Rose and smiling.)
Host: "Yes Rose, all you have to do to win the Doctor is answer one question. Do you think you can do it?"
Rose: "I sure hope I can!"
Host: "Okay, Rose, for the Doctor, here is your question – if the Doctor had a second chance, would he confess his love for you?"
(Rose waves the question off.)
Rose: "That's easy. Of course he would!"
(Buzzer sounds.)
Host: "Oh Rose, I'm so sorry. The correct answer is in fact no, he would be a bloody coward."
Rose: "What are you on about?"
(She leaves her spot and walks up to the Doctor.)
Rose: "Doctor, tell me that isn't true. Do you love me?"
The Doctor (scratching his head): "Does it need saying?"
(Rose's eyes widen. She raises her hand for a slap, but before she can do so Julie closes the curtain and pushes the box to the side. Another is brought out and put in its place.)
Host: "Well Rose, since you got that last question wrong I'm afraid you don't win our grand prize. However, you do get our consolation prize, Doctor 10.5!"
(The curtain of the second box is opened and 10.5 stands there, in his blue suit.)
10.5 (excitedly): "Hi Rose! I love you!"
(Rose looks pretty disappointed at first, but then shrugs and starts snogging 10.5)
Host: "Well, that's the program for tonight. And I'm afraid this is my last night hosting the show – Steven Moffat will be replacing me next week. Until then, good night."
Portions of this program that may not have affected the final outcome may have been edited.
Russell T Davies dressed by David Jones, Julie Gardner dressed by Versace, Julie Gardner's shoes by Peep Toe Shoes.
Yeah, I'm weird.
In case you didn't know, the staring-down-the-camera thing is from Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, in which contestants have to declare that they are not smarter than a 5th grader.