Are You Smarter than a Cartoon Character?
Bill Engvall: Howdy folks I'm Bill Engvall and welcome to 'Are you Smarter Than a Cartoon Character?'! Tonight our contestants are; The clueless Rachel!
Rachel: What am I doing here again? Oh my gosh! Look it's Bill Engvall! Can I have your autograph?!
Bill Engvall: I gave you my autograph before the show…
Rachel: Oh right! I remember now! My bad… (sits down and blushes).
Bill: (sighs) The brilliant Emily!
Emily: That's right! Whoo! (waves arms in the air)
Bill: The wild Cassandra!
Cassandra: (super loud) Whooooooowhoo!
Bill: And the quiet, but fun, Amanda!
Amanda: (smiles and waves to the crowd)
Bill: All going up against; the goofy Waffle!
Waffle: Splee!
Bill: The bossy !
Blik: (stands up on chair) YEAH!! ALL ME!!
Bill: And the Scottish Gordon!
Gordon: Hello! (waves to the crowd)
Bill: Alright! We're going to begin our show…with a little…jeopardy. Our categories are 'Names that begin with Tim and end with McGraw', 'Flaming Dog Poop', 'Applesauce and Muffins' 'Chicken Noodle Soup with a Soda on the Side', 'Singers that Suck', and 'Instruments'. Lets see…teem reality! Pick your first category!
Blik: (saracastically) I see, let the weird looking humans go first!
Cassandra: What did you just say kitty-cat?
Bill: (quickly) He said you were very pretty.
Emily: We choose…Singers that suck for $200!
Bill: Okay you must answer in the form of a question…He is the singer of 'Thriller' and has a reputation for (censored out).
Rachel: (buzzes) George W. Bush!
Bill: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Waffle: (buzzes) Bob the Builder!
Bill: Sorry, that is also incorrect. The correct answer was Michael Jackson.
Cassandra: rapist!
Amanda: Oh my gosh! Where?! (hides under desk)
Bill: There's no rapists here, now let's get back to the game. Now team CatScratch, pick your category.
Blik: We pick Instruments for $500!
Gordon: (glares) We're supposed to decide on one together.
Blik: No need, I've already decided for the 3 of us.
Bill: Okay, I'm gonna play a sound and one of you tell me what instrument it is.
Cassandra: Rachel! I have a bruise on my butt!
Rachel: Oh my gosh! How did that happen!?
Cassandra: Yesterday I was walking up the stairs and...
Bill: Let's save this for later!
Emily: No, I wanna hear this! Go on, this is getting good! Okay, you were walking up the stairs and then what?
Blik: Can we get on with the game please?!
Cassandra: Do NOT interrupt me! Okay and I tripped over my sock and…
Bill: (loudly) Anyway! (Plays the sound, it's an electric guitar)
Gordon: (buzzes) That's easy! That's a bagpipe!
Blik: (slaps forehead) A BAGPIPE?! YOU BABBLING MORON!
Bill: That is incorrect.
Emily: (buzzes) An electric guitar!
Bill: Correct!
Cassandra/Amanda: Yay!
Rachel: (leans over to Emily) What are they cheering about?
Emily: (Shrugs)
Bill: Now pick your next category.
Rachel: (throws hand up) I wanna pick this time! I choose singers that start with Tim and end with McGraw for $1000!
Cassandra: It only goes up to $500, goofy.
Rachel: Oh, okay, then $500!
Bill: He's married to Faith Hill, and sings 'Don't Take the Girl'.
Rachel: (gasps) Gee, that's a hard one…
Emily: You should call a friend!
Bill: Wrong show, that's 'Who Wants To Be a Millionare?'.
Emily: This isn't 'Who Wants To Be Millionare?'?! Durnit! I thought I was gonna walk away a millionare!
Cassandra: (buzzes) Who is Chicken Harold?
Bill: I'm sorry, that is incorrect.
Cassandra: That wasn't my answer. Seriously, who is Chicken Harold?
Waffle: (buzzes) A HOBO!
Cassandra: Oh.
Amanda: (buzzes) Why is his name Chicken Harold?
Bill: Now is this important?
Emily: (buzzes) Yes.
Rachel: (buzzes) PENIS!
Everyone: ?????
Waffle: Gordon, what's a penis?
Gordon: (nervously) Uh…tell ye later lad.
Waffle: (whining) Why not now? I wanna know!
Gordon: If I told you, you would know exactly why.
Blik: Ugh! Come here! (pulls Waffle toward him and whispers something in his ear)
Waffle: (turns red) EEEEEEEEWW!!
Bill: Can we please get back to the game? Good. Team CatScratch, please pick a category.
Gordon: We choose…Flaming Dog Poop for $100.
Bill: It looks like chocolate pudding, but smells like (censored).
Cassandra: POOP!
Bill: You have to answer in the form of a question.
Cassandra: CAN I GO POOP?! I GOTTA POOP! (gets up and runs toward the bathroom)
Bill: …We'll have to take a quick commercial break.
Commercial Break
(Applebees Commercial)
END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK
Rachel: Was that an applebees commercial? I love applebees!! I want some riblets and French fries!
Amanda: That sounds really good.
Cassandra: (returns from bathroom)
Emily: Feel better?
Cassandra: (nods)
Bill: I have an idea, let's skip the jeopardy, and move on to our next competition. Next competition is…trivia.
Waffle: Oooh!
Bill: These questions will be totally at random, and revolve around no particular subject. First question; What color is chocolate pudding?
Rachel: (buzzes) What was the question?
Blik: (buzzes) brown!
Bill: Correct!
Blik: Oh yeah! What now b(censored)?!
Bill: Next question; How many cheeks do u have?
Waffle: (buzzes) two!
Bill: incorrect!
Emily: (buzzes) four!
Bill: Correct!
Gordon: That's not fair! Cats don't have buttcheeks!
Rachel: Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian!
Everyone: (Stares)
Waffle: What's a lesbian?
Bill: Next question: How do you take the 'f' out of 'way'?
Cassandra: There's no effin way!
Bill: Correct!
Everyone: ????
Blik: Now how in the world did she get that right?
Cassandra: Why do you have to have a head?
Blik: (blinks)
Amanda: Don't be mean to the kitty!
Blik: Yeah, listen to…whatever her name is!
Amanda: Amanda!
Blik: Whatever.
Bill: Final question; Who is the singer of the hit single 'Firecracker'?
Emily: (buzzes) Josh Turner!
Bill: Correct! Team reality has won the trivia round!
Girls: Yay!
Blik: Yeah, yeah. Big deal!
Waffle: Good job girls!
Gordon: Aye lassies!
Waffle: CONGRADULATING FART! (farts) (for real)
Everyone:!!!!!????
Gordon: (scolding/shock) Waffle!
Blik: You are sick! (slaps him)
Rachel: Did he just fart? Did he fart? Oh my gosh!
Girls/Audience: (Laugh)
Emily: Wait, I thought cats didn't have buttcheeks…
Waffle: You don't need buttcheeks to fart loudly.
Emily: Speaking of farting, can I have some lucky charms? I'm hungry.
Bill: Ya'll can eat whatever you want after the show. Now, on this next competition, you will be singing a song without the lead vocals, like karaoke, and after a certain time, we'll stop the music and if you get the lyrics right, your team gets a point, if you forget them, or get them wrong, well, you don't get a point obviously. And don't worry, we won't make you sing any song you're not familiar with. First up is Gordon!
Gordon: (steps up to the mic) (Music begins to play) Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, she took the midnight train going anywhere. Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere. A singer in smokey room, a smell of wine and cheap perfume. For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on. Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching in the night. Streetlight people, living just to find emotion. Hiding, somewhere in the night. Working hard to get my fill, Everybody wants a thrill Payin anything to roll the dice, Just one more time. Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues. Oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on. Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard, their shadows searching in the night. Streetlight people, living just to find emotion. Hiding, somewhere in the night. (Instrumental Break) (Music stops) (Gordon keeps singing) Don't stop believing, Hold on to that feeling. Streetlight people, living just to find emotion. Hiding somewhere in the(super high) niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Rachel/Amanda/Emily: (glasses shadder)
Everyone: (holds ears)
Gordon: (takes a bow and leaves the stage)
Bill: Okay, next up is Cassandra!
Cassandra: (Takes the mic) (Music starts to play) It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word you could light up the dark. Try as I may, I could never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing. (Music Stops) The smile on your face lets me know that you need me, there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me, the touch of your hand, says you'll catch me whenever I fall. You say it best, when you say nothing at all.
Bill: Team reality and Team CatScratch each have one point! Next up is Emily!
Emily: (goes up to mic and the music starts) County road 233, under my feet, nothing on this white rock but little ol' me. I got two miles 'til he makes bail, and if I'm right we're headed straight for (censored). (Music stops) I'm going home gonna load my shotgun, wait by the door and light a cigarette! He wants a fight well now he's got one and he ain't seen my crazy yet! Slapped my face and he shook me like a ragdoll, don't that sound like a real man? I'm gonna show him what a little girl's made of; Gunpowder and lead! (spoken) That's for you Michael!
Bill: Next up is the adorable, Waffle!
Waffle: (takes the mic) (Music starts, it's a Dixie Chicks song) Well there was a little falter at the alter of confession, down on it's knees true love did fall. After 31 days of sleepless nights, she woke up to end it all. With 'I Love You' on a fresh tattoo engraved upon his chest. She tore her name right off his heart, so hear's to the unblessed. (Music stops) Oh love, Oh love, you fickle thing, such pretty words and golden rings, it was a broken dream right from the start. Bless their tortured tangled hearts. (Leaves the stage)
Gordon: Great gopher! Waffle, I never knew ye could sing.
Waffle: I never knew you listened to Journey.
Blik: I never knew you listened to the Dixie Chicks.
Rachel: What's wrong with the Dixie Chicks? The Dixie Chicks are awesome!
Bill: Next up is Rachel!
Rachel: (takes the mic) (The music starts playing) Some call it country with a little bit of rhythm and blues. And when the boys start rockin' there's a beat that you just can't lose. Where it's gonna take us, nobody knows. It sure feels good to the body and soul. (Music stops) I love slide of a steal guitar, I love the moan of an old blues harp, I love the shake of a tambourine, I love the bass when it's low and mean. So put on your shouting shoes, and turn it loose!
Bill: Now it's Blik's turn.
Blik: (struts up to the mic) (Music plays) You need hands, rough not soft. To come and warm you up up in that cold hay loft. Let me hold you little darling in my big strong arms. Can't get these kinda muscles anywhere but a farm. (Music stops) Hey, I'm a country man. A city boy can't do the things I can. I can grow my own groceries and salt cure a ham. Hey baby, I'm a country man.
Bill: Last, but not least, Amanda!
Amanda: (walks up to the mic nervously) (Music starts) I set out on a narrow way, many years ago. Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road. But I got lost a time or two, what my pride kept pushing through. I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you. (Music stops) But every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true, that God bless the broken road that led me straight to you.
Bill: Looks like we got a tie for this round! The next round should determine the winners! For out next round we're going to school!
Waffle: Splee!
Girls: What?!
Bill: Team reality, choose a subject!
Emily: Algebra!
Bill: Solve this equation; 35=8x+1
Waffle: (buzz) I don't get it!
Emily: (buzz) x=4
Bill: Correct!
Blik: That's not fair! Cats don't even go to school!
Bill: Oh well, ya'll just do your best.
Gordon: We pick government!
Bill: What are one of the principles of democracy?
Waffle: (buzz) Checks and balances!
Everyone: ????
Bill: That's...correct...
Blik: Now where'd you learn that?
Waffle: Something that Hovis watches on TV...a lot.
Gordon: Great job, lad.
Rachel: We pick Language arts!
Bill: Name the subject of this sentence; The boy went fishing with his father.
Waffle: (buzzes) 'The boy went fishing'
Everyone: (gasp)
Blik: We pick...Science!
Bill: ( a rock comes up on the overhead screen) What type of rock is this?
Rachel: (buzzes) Sedimentary!
Bill: Correct!
Waffle: (begins shaking anxiously)
Everyone: ????
Bill: Um...is that feller okay?
Blik:(to Gordon) What did he eat and/or drink before we came here?
Gordon: Just some red bull.
Blik: Just some red bull?! Do you remember what happened last time?!
Gordon: (reminising) Oh crap...
Waffle: (Jumps up in the air) Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!! (runs around the stage knocking over lights, desks, microphones, and other possible things) (Everyone is just lying on the ground, wondering what will happen next. Waffle just stops in the middle of the stage and stares off into space until...) POOT! (He farted)
Blik: Gordon, I'm gonna kill you for giving him red bull.
Rachel: (Jumps up) Red bull?! Oh! I want some red bull! C'mon everybody let's go get some red bull!
Bill: Here's all your signs! You're all stupid! Wait up! I'm getting some red bull to!
(So everyone got their red bull and got hyper, gassy, and diarrhea to top it all off!)
THE END
Yeah, this was just a one-shot that I thought of randomly. I got some of the ideas from things I've read in other stories and seen on TV.