A/N: I know I said I'd have the next chapter of Operation Snog up by now… and I haven't neglected it. And I haven't neglected The Hogwarts Hearsay, either. I just had a brainwave for this story, and I actually had this chapter written up a loooooong time ago. I just thought it'd be good to post it while people are waiting for Operation Snog. D
Just a side note, this story is going to be more angst-y and grown up than my other stories. It's completely new territory for me, so constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Also, this won't be updated that often and expect shorter chapters.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything.
The Illusion of Perfection
Life was practically perfect, James Potter mused. He never, ever thought anyone or anything could be as close to perfect as his life was.
But that was before he met Lily Evans and was finally able to woo her.
Since that day when he was seventeen, James had been blissfully happy and content with his life. And that was nearly a year ago.
For that time, he never needed anything; he had everything he could ever want. He had a loving family, a wonderful girlfriend, fiercely loyal friends and a good career ahead of him. If only that pesky Dark Wizard Voldemort would just disappear, everything would be beyond perfect.
James smiled to himself as he let himself into his flat in London. Yes, his life was good. There was no denying that.
He stripped down to his underwear and wandered into the bathroom. He had had a hard day – training to be an Auror wasn't easy, but it was satisfying. It had a lot of physicality to it, but you also had to be smart and understand different tactics and master difficult spells. He thought of what he learned and practiced that day as he allowed the steaming hot water to wash over his body. He was constantly going over what he knew and what he could do. He was practically always in a defensive state, wondering about the state of his family, friends and Lily.
He imagined that if anything were to happen to her. He would go batshit crazy.
He grinned again, just thinking about his redheaded, feisty girlfriend. He commended himself for loving her even when he thought she hated him. The end result had been worth it. For her sake, he had put up with a lot of crap. But he was glad he did.
He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a fluffy, white towel around his waist. He headed to his bedroom when he noticed a surprise for him in the living room.
"Hey," said his surprise.
"Hi, love," he replied happily before raising an eyebrow suggestively. "I was just thinking about you in the shower." He made his way over to her and kissed her cheek.
She squirmed under his touch. James frowned. That hadn't happened since he was sixteen. Something was amiss here…
"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. "What happened? Did anyone get hurt?"
"Get dressed first," she told him, uncharacteristically stoic. She sat on his couch, her hands folded in her lap. She didn't look comfortable – strange. She practically lived in his flat with him, but refused to actually "live in sin" so, just as she had since her parents' death a few years back, she technically still lived with her older sister. Nonetheless, she was at James' place more or less every day and spent half the nights with him.
"Tell me what happened," James demanded. He shook some excess water out of his unruly black hair.
She looked up at him, here green eyes wide. Her expression was sad and worried and there was a touch of something James couldn't quite place.
"I love you, James," she said. "You know that, right?"
"Yes," he said, slightly impatiently. Something really bad had to have happened to make Lily, who was normally so happy and lively, so worried and uptight. "I love you, too. But –?"
Lily stood up. He noticed that she hadn't taken off her coat and clutched her purse with fists so tight her knuckles were turning white. "Do you want a drink or something?"
James sat down. "No," he said adamantly. "I want you to tell me what's wrong."
"I… I'm sorry," she said after a long, pregnant pause. Her eyes were downcast. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen, James. It meant nothing. Honestly. It didn't mean a thing to me. I don't know why I did it."
It was as if someone had just coated his innards with ice. "What are you talking about?"
Finally, finally, she met his gaze. The emotion that was so evasive before, James realized, was guilt. Pure, unadulterated guilt.
"I went out last night," she said in a tiny voice. She seemed so feeble. "I went to a muggle club with some friends from my old neighborhood. I – I had a few drinks and… and…" she voice petered out as her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry, sweetie, but I ended up going home with a guy."
James' near-perfect world came crashing down around all around him. He was standing there in the wreckage, not able to believe what was happening. His girlfriend, his sweet, dear, cherished Lily cheated on him.
His jaw clenched and he looked away from her. He couldn't face her, lest she see the pain and turmoil she was causing him to feel.
"We didn't have sex, though," she offered, as though that would make things better. "There was a little kissing and…"
"But he touched you," James said, his voice low and dangerous. It was not a question.
Lily blinked before slowly nodding her head.
It was as if someone had socked him in the stomach right there and then.
"And you touched him."
Another nod.
And without another word, he stood up and walked to his bedroom to put on some clothes. He tried to calmly go over what had just destroyed his world, but all he could think about was how betrayed he felt.
He was angry; hell, he was furious. But more than that, he was disappointed. He had never been let down in such a way before. Sure, a lot of people had hurt him in the past, but nothing, nothing even came close to this. He had given her his heart. He had loved her for what seemed like forever. He gave her everything he had and was prepared to do it for the rest of his life. And this was how she repaid him? By going to some bastard's house after a few drinks? To let him touch her? To touch him back?
He sat down on his bed and gripped his hair with his hands, questions racing through his head. Why did she do it? Was he not giving her enough? Did she not love him anymore?
The door creaked open. "James?" Lily whispered. "Are you okay?"
His head shot up. "Would you be okay if I told you that I had cheated on you? Would you just accept it in a stride and pretend that everything was the exact same it had been a few minutes ago?"
She hung her head. "No," she said. "But it was an accident. It didn't mean anything. I left as soon as I realized –"
"That's rich," he bit out. "I'm glad that he didn't fuck you, Lily, but the point is that you almost let him. The point is that this happened at all. Don't you think that means something?"
"Yes," she said desperately. She came over and sat on the bed. James stood up abruptly. "Yes, it means something, but it only means that I'm stupid and I was drunk and I wasn't thinking straight. It doesn't mean anything about you and me together."
"How can it not?" he exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. "You cheated on me!"
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry," she repeated, tears welling up in her eyes again. "I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise! Nothing like this will ever happen again."
He looked at her dubiously, as if he wasn't sure who she was anymore. "How can I trust you to keep your word?"
"Because I love you!" she cried. "You have to forgive me, James! It was a mistake."
He remained silent. He stared at his feet, thinking hard. He still loved her, yes. Perhaps he always would. First loves are hard to get over, but…
"Say something," she whispered, wiping the tears that trailed down her pale cheeks.
… first loves, more often than not, were not meant to last.
He sucked in his cheeks. "We're young," he told her. "We're only eighteen. We have our whole lives ahead of us."
"We do. And we have a future together," she said, looking hopeful for the first time since she got there.
"Maybe," he said slowly. "And maybe not."
"What?" she gasped.
"Maybe," he continued to muse aloud, "there's someone else out there for you. Maybe subconsciously you don't believe in this relationship and went to look for something else."
"I don't want anything else!" she cried.
"You can't be sure of that."
"You were sure of me, you loved me for years before I even acknowledged you as a human being! You had faith in me, you loved me, and you never gave up. Don't give up now," she pleaded.
James sat next to her. "I'm not giving up. I'm just… I'm giving us space to grow."
"You want us to grow apart!"
He shrugged. He didn't know exactly what he wanted. But he needed time alone to think. Perhaps he was right in saying that their relationship was too much for two teens. Maybe it was too serious. He wasn't sure, but he knew that their relationship, if they were to stay together, would be strained and tainted with the broken shards of trust.
"It won't be the same if we're together."
"But you don't even want to try?"
"I don't need to try; I know."
"You know what?" she asked, aghast.
"That I can't feel the same about you… yet."
Lily leapt up. "Fine!" she screamed, her face wet with tears. "Fine! I'll give you as much bloody space as you want. In fact, I'll give you more! If you don't love me anymore, if you can't, then I don't want to be around you."
"Don't yell at me," he said hotly. "I'm not the one that went out and almost shacked up with someone else!"
"It was a mistake!" she cried. "And it's not like you've never had dirty thoughts about anyone else, either! You're not as perfect as you think you are!"
"You're not as perfect as I thought you were, either."
"Newsflash, Potter," she spat. "I'm only human. I didn't ask to be put on the fucking pedestal you put me on!"
"You never asked to be let off, either! Shit, you're being too irrational right now. It's like you're this completely different person that cheats and screams and blames everyone else for everything."
"That's so not what I'm doing right now! I came here to tell you what I did because I love you and thought that hey, maybe you'd like to know."
"Did you honestly think that I wouldn't be upset about it? That I would just accept it and then kiss you to make it all better?"
"No!"
"Then what?" he demanded, getting right up in her face. "What did you want from me?"
She visibly deflated, her anger seeping out of her. "I just wanted you to understand."
"That's going to take time," he said, calming down a bit, too. "Look, I'm not saying that it's impossible. It's just that right now, and probably for the next little bit, it's going to be too hard to look at you and know that you almost gave yourself up to someone else. I'm just saying that maybe that means more than we both know. I… I just need to see what'll happen if we're not together."
Lily stood up and wiped a few stray tears from her face. "Okay," she conceded. "I'm not saying that I like it, but I can't force you into loving me again."
James stayed moodily silent. He heard Lily sigh at his lack of response. He stayed that way until he heard the door click shut. Then, he lifted his head up and shook it a bit ruefully.
"I don't know if I can ever stop loving you," he whispered into his empty room.