An obese Bella waddled into the insurance office, struggling to catch her breath. Bella had been suffering lately from horribly painful myocardial infarction episodes - if she had been a mortal, she would have died 15 times an hour for the past month and a half. Since she is fortunate enough to live forever, there was no release from the consistent bouts of mind-wrenching pain.

A receptionist led her into an office with an insurance agent, flipping through files.

"Ah, hello...Bella Cullen I presume?" The agent, named Rachel, stood to shake Bella's massive hand. She scrutinized Bella's gigantic frame and her heaving breaths.

"Yeah, thats me." Bella took out a cigarette and lit it, inhaling with her eyes closed. "Oh thats so good."

Rachel looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, we don't allow smoking in here."

Bella glowered at Rachel. "Terrorist," she muttered under her breath, putting the cigarette out in Rachel's spider plant.

Rachel cleared her throat. "So, you're interested in purchasing health insurance from us?"

Bella looked longingly at the cigarette, covered in moist soil under the soft green leaves of the spider plant. "Well...yeah. Well, vampire health insurance."

Rachel cocked an eyebrow. "Vampire insurance?"

Bella's phone began to go off. "Shut up for a sec," she said. She answered the phone with a ferocious "Hello? Yes I took out the trash. Yes I put it in your pick-up truck. It looks like a pile of garbage, I thought the trash would fit in with it. Stop calling me fat you good-for-nothing lazyass former vampire bastard!" she screeched into the phone. "Hey Edward! I have a suggestion for you! Get a goddamn job!" Bella threw the phone across the office.

Rachel sat, blinking. "Vampire insurance?" she repeated.

"Oh yeah," Bella said, stretching lazily. "I'm a vampire."

"You mean...you drink blood?"

"No," Bella corrected. "I eat chicken. 4 buckets. Fried. Per day." Bella smiled a gap-toothed grin. "Two buckets on each arm is a balanced diet, thats what I always say!" She doubled over suddenly, heaving. "Auugh, my heart. Auuugh it feels like theres a big ol' blockage in there," she gasped. "Fried chicken was always close to my heart, but this is getting a little ridiculous." She straightened up. "So what about that insurance?"

Rachel wasn't sure what to say. "So...you're undead?"

Bella shook her head. "I dunno. Well...maybe. I'm immortal."

Rachel sighed, and sat back in her chair. "So you are massively obese, a chainsmoker, have recurrent heart problems, a troubled marriage..."

"I'm also an alcoholic," Bella cut in. Her phone began to go off. She heaved herself off the chair to answer it. "WHAT? WHAT? For every bucket you throw away," she screamed into the phone, "I will kill you ten million times! I'm the only one who works in the family! If you're sick of chicken, you go get yourself a JOB and get something else to eat!" Bella started to turn purple. "Well blood wont do you any good anymore, Mr. "I-gambled-away-all-my-vampire-powers-in-a-knicks-game!" She threw the phone across the room again.

Rachel was scribbling down all of this on a small pad of paper. "...an alcoholic," she continued, "and undead, so that whatever horrible health conditions you may have, we'll pay for, since you can't die from them."

Bella nodded. "That's about right," she said. "I keep suffering from major heart attacks, so I'm going to need that insurance pretty soon. Do I get a vampire discount?"

Rachel shook her head. "You don't qualify for any insurance plan we have. I don't think you qualify for any insurance plan anywhere, ever."

Bella glared at Rachel. "Well screw you, bitch!" she hollered. "You're just jealous that I got a man and you aint got none!"

Rachel held up her left hand. "I'm married, actually," she replied.

"Oh yeah? Well did he imprint on you?"

Rachel shifted her eyes. "Imprint? Whats that mean? Slaps you?"

Bella's eyes glazed over with tears. "Sometimes," she admitted. "Whatever! I'm out of here. I need more buckets." Bella waddled out of the room. "BITCH!" she screamed again before leaving the office.

Rachel shook her head slowly. "I never thought I'd ever see anything that bizaare," she muttered to herself.

A hairy man walked into the room.

"You're Jacob?" Rachel inquired.

Jacob nodded. "Do you sell werewolf insurance?" he inquired.