(A/N: Thanks to Brianna for being a wonderful beta as always =D Note that this is my first non-fantasy fic. Be gentle, kay ;) )

Summary: Post-S7. After Spike sacrifices himself to close the hellmouth once and for all, the PTB decides to return him to earth. Three months later, Spike shanshues and ends up somewhere in LA with no memories. He can't remember anything from his past life even after Angel – the person who finds him – calls Buffy for help. Can Buffy bring his memories back to him including the horrible deeds he has done in his past life? Or is she going to let him start a new life?

Prologue:

It was painful to see. The light was coming from him, melting him away; yet he still smiled at her. She could see his love shining in his eyes, twinkling between the pains he suffered. He still smiled. Oh, the sacrifice he had made for the world. The words he said to her, scorching her inside out. It's agonizing to see him burn. He shouldn't, didn't need to…but he was willing to.

"I mean it. I gotta do this…" She linked her fingers with his, sensing the glow of their joining hands. Spike looked down to their interlocking hands, watching the flame burst in between them, he then looked back to her, questioning her with his eyes. She tried to ignore the blaze that surged through her from her hand as her eyes danced with adoration for this man, the man that sacrificed himself for his final redemption. She smiled as she finally uttered the words she had been wanting to admit, wanting him to hear.

"I love you…" His eyes pinned hers with sadness and pity when those three little words sang through his ears. He had been yearning to hear it but now that he had, the words only did a little comfort before his end. He smiled sincerely at her again.

"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go."

Giving the very last look at him, she turned away, started for upstairs, running as fast as she could, as the school building shook with intensity, crumbling down pieces by pieces.

He stood there, gave a bitter laugh as he readied himself…readied himself to give what he could offer for the world, the safety from the last apocalypse. The light spread immensely, scorching him, eating him from inside as his form started to disintegrate into dust. And then he'd gone. He'd gone forever…

Buffy woke up with a start. She stood up straight on her bed, running a hand through her tresses. Her sobs were evidence of another nightmare in another night. She glanced at the open curtain. The moonlight shimmered through her darkened room. She glanced at the clock nearby, it read 4 AM, the exact time when she woke up with a start every night ever since the last apocalypse. She drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them while she buried her head on her kneecaps.

I can't go on like this, she told herself, feeling her tears start streaming down her cheeks. No, this got to stop. But how? She rocked herself back and forth, biting her lower lip to suppress her sobs. God, I miss you…I miss you, and I love you so much.

She muttered those same words every night, as if rehearsing them before he came back to her. Though she knew it wouldn't possible. She regretted that she didn't start practising them a long time ago. If she did, she would have told him days…maybe weeks before the apocalypse. And now it's too late. He's gone, slipping away from her arms, while she stayed here on earth alone.

Buffy looked around her room, in her apartment she had rented for almost three months now. Ever since Sunnydale was destroyed, she decided to move to another country, far from her friends and family. She knew it was unfair to her sister, sending Dawn to stay with their father in LA. But she couldn't handle being around her friends, celebrating their winning over the last battle. It wasn't right. Spike wasn't there with her to celebrate it. He had left her to save the world. Yes, it was a noble thing to do, but it tore her heart apart, shattered her newfound love like scattered dust.

Buffy smiled wryly at her thoughts. At least, the man she loved left her for saving the world from apocalypse. Not for the selfish issues like Angel and Riley had against their relationships.

Her lower lip quivered as she remembered the last look he gave her, the look that she would cherish forever when he told her to run for her life. She wiped her tears away, but they kept running down her cheeks. Oh god, make them stop. Please, make these tears stop flowing. She wasn't sure if she still had any tears left. They were spent little by little every night, for every abrupt awakening. If only he came back to her, back to her arms, then she would no longer have to cry herself to sleep. But it was impossible…unattainable. Buffy chuckled ironically at the last word. Her face started to crumble again as she recalled his speech in that stranger's house. He always had a way to make her heart melt through his words, to make her cry by the sweet touch in his statement.

"When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you, and it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are…What you do…How you try…"

Only god knew how she still survived all these months. Perhaps it's because she lived here alone in Sydney. Perhaps it was because she had stayed away from her friends who had moved on with their life. Or possibly the strength Spike had given her still lingered inside her. 

to be continued