The word is out! I don't own any Archer characters. This is just some madness that ran through my tiny mind. There have been a few trials on the news lately. And I just happened to get this into my tiny little brain. Sit back and read how…
Pam And Cheryl Get The Word Out
"Mallory's not coming into work again," Lana sighed as she walked in. She saw Cyril, Krieger and Ray relaxing into the bullpen.
"Talk about starting a Monday on a high note," Ray grinned.
"Mallory Archer not coming into work is like Florida not getting hit by a hurricane," Cyril remarked. "A blessed miracle!"
"I'll drink to that!" Krieger raised a glass of scotch.
"Praise the Lord!" Ray grinned as he clinked his own scotch glass with the others.
"What's going on now?" Lana asked. "Besides you three destroying your livers?"
"Uh…" Cyril paused. "Nothing…" Krieger and Ray looked guiltily at each other.
"I know those looks," Lana said. "When you idiots say nothing is going on, something is definitely going on!"
"Nothing is going on," Cyril said. "As you can see. The three of us are doing nothing."
"And aren't there usually five of you?" Lana asked.
"What?" Cyril blinked.
"Uh oh," Krieger and Ray said.
"Where are Pam and Cheryl?" Lana asked.
"Uhh…" Cyril paused.
"Cyril you might as well tell her," Ray sighed. "She's going to find out sooner or later."
"Find out what sooner or later?" Lana barked. "Cyril…What's going on?"
"Well Pam came up with an idea," Cyril sighed. "And I figured she was going to do it anyway whether I said yes or not…"
"True," Lana said.
"She took Cheryl with her," Cyril said. "Who was being her usual charming self. And any reason to get her out of the office…"
"Also true," Lana said. "What's going on?"
"Remember Stratton and Whitney's brokerage firm?" Cyril said. "And how they arrested a lot of people who worked there before it closed down?"
"Because they were part of Long Water and running a huge multi-million insurance scam slash Ponzi scheme with Veronica Deane, Ellis Crane and half of LA," Lana spoke up. "Which all went to hell when Stratton and Whitney got killed in that whole murder-suicide deal which you and Archer got involved in."
"And stole money from," Ray added. Cyril glared at him.
"And stole money from," Lana said. "But not all of it because those millions they were stealing are in some account only they knew where and how to access it and now that they're dead those millions are gone. Destroying thousands of jobs, businesses and lives. Not to mention nearly getting me arrested for the murder of Ellis Crane and Archer ending up in a coma."
"Yes," Cyril nodded. "You remember that, right?"
"Vaguely," Lana narrowed her eyes.
"That does seem like a long time ago, doesn't it?" Krieger asked Ray.
"It feels like at least three years," Ray remarked. "But that can't be right."
Cyril went on. "Okay so a lot of upper level employees at Stratton and Whitney were investigated, and some of them were found to also have a connection with the entire scheme. But not enough to know where all the money went. Some of those people decided to cooperate with the Feds and tell them everything they knew."
"In other words, they became rats to save their own hides from the sinking ship," Krieger added. "Not that I blame them…Stoolie's gotta do what a stoolie's gotta do!"
"And one of these people believe it or not," Cyril explained. "Was Stratton's younger brother Richard 'Noel' Stratton the Sixth!"
"Sixth?" Lana asked.
"Apparently Richard Stratton the Third had three sons," Cyril explained. "And named them all after himself but with different nicknames. Ivy, Holly and Noel. Apparently, they were all born around Christmastime…"
"What happened to Number Five?" Krieger asked. "Holly?"
"Tragic drunk skiing accident while on Spring Break in Aspen," Cyril said. "He had one drink too many and just plowed right into an oak tree while going downhill."
"That happens more often than you think," Ray nodded. "It's becoming an epidemic."
"Long story short…" Cyril began.
"Too late," Ray interrupted.
"Noel sang like a canary about to be lowered into a coal mine," Cyril said. "He ratted out dozens of people in other firms and his own for a lesser sentence. He's being sentenced today in LA's federal court."
"Okay Barney Backstory," Lana said. "What does this have to do with Pam's idea?"
"You know how at a lot of these high-profile trials there's always one or two people with signs advertising a business?" Ray asked.
"I've noticed," Lana said. "Oh no…"
"Oh yeah…" Ray sighed as he turned on the TV.
"This is Grace Ryan from Wolf News at the LA Federal Courthouse," The familiar red-haired anchor was on the news in front of a building. "Today Richard 'Noel' Stratton The Sixth will be sentenced on charges of racketeering, fraud, embezzlement and for his role in the Long Water insurance scandal."
In the background was Pam holding a sign saying FIGGIS AGENCY WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE! She was waving it enthusiastically.
Cheryl held up her own sign. LIKE HER! She was pointing at Pam and laughing.
"Prosecutors are requesting leniency from the judge," Grace reported. "Since Stratton's cooperation into several cases is ongoing. However, it is likely that the judge may hand out a sentence ranging from as little to two years to as much as ten years in prison. An extremely serious day for Mr. Stratton as his fate is in the hands of the judge."
Grace was oblivious to Pam chasing Cheryl in back of her. Cheryl was laughing like an idiot even when Pam tackled her off camera.
"You can see why I didn't want to tell you right?" Cyril asked Lana.
"Oh yeah," Lana admitted.
"I gotta admit," Ray groaned. "This is a new low even for us…"
"Look we need publicity in the worst way," Cyril defended.
"Well that's the way Pam and Cheryl are getting it," Ray pointed.
Grace kept reporting with Pam and Cheryl in the background. This time Cheryl was holding a sign saying FIGGIS AGENCY and had the beginnings of a black eye. "Mr. Stratton has often proclaimed that even though he was only a minor player in the Long Water Insurance scandal, he is deeply sorry that the actions of himself and his brother have caused such pain. Mainly his brother. In a direct quote Mr. Stratton said that, 'My brother Ivy made me do it. He always made me do everything. He was the one in charge. If he hadn't accidentally driven off the cliff after allegedly murdering his business partner, he'd be the one on trial.'"
In the background more people with signs appeared. A man with the sign LA TOURS tried to move in front of Pam. A man with the sign PURPLE JUICE POWER moved on the other side. Another man with the sign saying BUY COOL STUFF ONLINE DOT COM moved in front of Cheryl.
"Hey! Hey! Move it!" Pam snapped. "We were here first!"
"Suck it bitch!" The LA Tours Guy snapped. "This is my territory!"
"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped.
"Yeah?" The Buy Cool Stuff Guy snapped. "Well my supervisor says you're not my supervisor!"
"And let's be honest," Grace was still reading Stratton's statement. "We all know that my brother was the one who murdered Whitney. He talked about nothing else but killing him and taking over the company for himself for months. He even tried to get me to do it. But I said no and I told him it was a bad idea and that the only way he could even get away with it was to hire some idiot to kill him and then kill that idiot. Clearly desperate pleas, from a desperate man."
"Move it!" The LA Tours Guy snarled.
"You move it!" The Purple Juice Guy snarled.
"All of you move it!" Pam shoved them.
"You are not my supervisor!" The Buy Cool Stuff Guy hissed.
"That's my line!" Cheryl snapped.
"I don't know, y'all," Ray sighed. "I mean it's one thing for those other people to be advertising there. They have nothing to do with this. But for us to advertise at this particular trial…Considering the part we played in it? It's kind of like we're rubbing salt in the wound you know?"
Krieger asked. "You mean like somebody wearing a top that says Macy's walking around a Sears store that is going out of business?"
"More like a top saying Amazon at a Sears," Ray admitted. "But yeah, you get it."
"Or a Target store opening up across from a K-Mart," Cyril added. "And then putting up a sign saying, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah."
"Exactly," Ray nodded.
Lana paused. "I think it's more like NBC hosting the Emmy's but all the awards go to either cable or streaming channels."
"I think ABC hosts the Emmy's," Krieger pointed out. "But yeah it's pretty much like that."
"Actually NBC, ABC and CBS all take turns," Cyril told them. "But the analogy does work no matter what channel it's on."
"What about Fox?" Ray asked.
"Fox doesn't host the Emmy's," Cyril said. "I think…"
"Well that doesn't seem fair," Ray remarked.
"True but Fox and it's FX channels actually win awards for their programming," Krieger added. "So, the analogy wouldn't hold up anyway."
"Technically all the networks win some kind of awards," Lana said.
"Yes, but cable and streaming win way more," Cyril said. "That's the point. Actually, now that I think about it streaming is starting to win more than cable."
"So, streaming is doing to cable what cable does to network TV?" Ray asked.
"Exactly," Cyril nodded. "That's the analogy. And also, irony."
They didn't notice that Pam had had enough and had punched out the other sign guys. Cheryl jumped on another sign guy and started to fight with him.
"Let's be honest," Krieger said. "There is way more selection with cable and streaming compared to network TV."
"Just like there's more selection and choices with online shopping," Lana said. "Which puts retailers out of business."
"There's a little more to it than that," Cyril said.
"What do you mean?" Lana asked.
Pam and the LA Tours guy were fighting with their signs like they were lightsabers. Pam constantly whacking the LA Tours guy. Then the Purple Juice guy tried to attack Pam but she simply gave a roundhouse kick to knock him out.
"There has been an increasing rise of stores and malls since the 80's," Cyril said. "One could say that the retail landscape is overpopulated with big corporations. Also add to the fact that many of these same retail stores haven't been updated or cared for as much as they should. A lot of them have fallen into disrepair…Not to mention lack of proper management…"
"YOU IDIOTS KNOCK IT OFF!" Grace Ryan had gotten into the fight. "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS NEWS! SERIOUS NEWS BY THE WOLF NETWORK! WHERE WE TAKE JOURNALISM SERIOUSLY!"
"Guys," Krieger did a double take. "When did Pam start a riot?"
Grace was now pounding the Purple Juice guy mercilessly. "I DON'T CARE WHAT ALL THOSE OTHER NETWORK CRYBABIES SAY! THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE WOLF NEWS WINS ALL THE AWARDS!"
"NO, YOU DON'T!" Darlene Love appeared. "This is Darlene Love with Jaguar News! Jaguar News, where truth matters. Unlike at some other networks…"
"WHAT?" Grace shouted.
"What makes you think Pam started the riot?" Lana asked as they watched Pam keep fighting with the LA Tours guy.
"It's Pam," Krieger said.
"Oh right," Lana said.
"AAAHHH!" Grace jumped on Darlene and they started to fight too.
A male reporter entered the camera's vision. "This is Benjamin Benthos with Peacock News! Peacock News! We take pride in our journalism!"
"No!" Another male reporter jumped into the camera's vision. "Watch Corruption News! Corruption News! We tell it like it is! With swears! That's right we can say whatever the hell we want with no censors because we're on Cable and streaming so take that mother…"
"SHUT UP!" Darlene and Grace stopped their fight and tackled the Corruption News anchor. The Peacock News anchor joined in the fight as well.
"AAAAHHH!" The Buy Cool Stuff Guy ran by on fire. And so was his sign.
"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled off screen.
"That one was Cheryl," Krieger said.
"We figured that out," Ray said. "Why is he still carrying his sign if it's on fire?"
"I'll might as well start posting bail…" Cyril groaned as he went to his office.
About two hours later…
"Okay I just called the police station," Cyril said as he walked into the bullpen. "The good news is that since the incident was technically a PR stunt, and PR stunts are protected in LA…Glueverne and Squirrely are going to just get off with a fine."
"Which you have to pay," Ray added.
"That's part of the bad news yes," Cyril groaned.
"What's the other part?" Ray asked.
"You know there's a television in Archer's hospital room, right?" Cyril asked.
"Oh no…" Lana realized.
"Oh yeah…" Cyril sighed.
FLASHBACK!
"I left New York for this?" Mallory groaned as she watched Pam brawl on the television in Archer's room.
"AAAHHHH!" Pam lifted up the LA Tours guy and threw him into the brawling pile of reporters.
Mallory glared at her son. "I blame you, Sterling. This is all your fault! And possibly Cyril's."
FLASHFORWARD!
"I just got an earful from Mallory," Cyril moaned. "It was not pleasant."
"What about Cheryl?" Lana asked.
"What about her?" Cyril asked.
"She just set a guy on fire!" Lana said.
"Apparently nobody saw it," Cyril said. "Since everyone was watching the reporters brawl. And it wasn't on camera. At least that's what Mr. Lee said."
"Mr. Lee? From the Tunt Corporation?" Lana asked.
"Yeah he wasn't happy either," Cyril groaned.
FLASHBACK!
"God damn it!" Mr. Lee of the Tunt Corporation was watching television in his office. "That idiot Tunt burned another one! This is all that Archer woman's fault! And possibly Figgis too."
Mr. Lee paused. "I mean it's not like back in the old days when Irving Tunt burned somebody every other week but still…It's damn annoying!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"He called Ms. Archer to yell at her," Cyril groaned. "And then she called me back to yell at me some more and…Long story short…"
"Too late," Lana, Ray and Krieger said at the same time.
"Cheryl's lawyers are covering up everything," Cyril said. "All we have to do is pay the fine. Which Ms. Archer called me back to complain about a third time. So, I told her it was all Pam's idea and if anyone should pay for it, it should be her. Then Ms. Archer said, that yes, Pam would definitely pay."
"Yikes," Ray cringed. "That does not bode well."
"Basically, you threw Pam and Cheryl under the bus to save your own skin?" Lana sighed.
"Yes," Cyril said. "And I suspect that Pam and Cheryl will be literally thrown under an actual bus."
"How could she do that?" Krieger asked. "Cheryl maybe. She weighs less than a twig. But Pam?"
"Knowing Mallory," Lana groaned. "She'd find a way."
An hour and a half later…
"Gee thanks for springing us out of the clink Ms. Archer," Pam said as she and Pam rode in the back seat of Mallory's car.
"Well you were trying to help the agency," Mallory said calmly. "In your own pathetic incompetent way."
"We did get on TV," Pam said. "You know what they say about any publicity is good publicity…"
"Right," Mallory held her tongue.
"And it was all for free!" Cheryl grinned.
"Humiliation often is," Mallory growled.
Pam looked around. "Uh, Ms. Archer? Where are we going?"
"I have a little surprise for you," Mallory said sweetly.
"Ooh! I love surprises!" Cheryl giggled.
"You'll love this one," Mallory said.
They pulled up to a large abandoned warehouse. "Uh Ms. Archer?" Pam asked nervously. "What's going on?"
"You're just getting what you deserve," Mallory said sweetly as she pushed a button and opened the garage door to the warehouse.
"Whoa!" Pam and Cheryl gasped.
Before them was a huge setup of a large couch and a table loaded with drinks and sweets. There was a huge TV set up in front of them. "Holy couch snacks!" Pam gasped.
"Oh boy!" Cheryl squealed. "Glue and groovy bears!"
"Bearclaws!" Pam squealed.
The two of them practically leapt out of the car and raced to the couch and table. They started drinking and eating immediately. "Wow this is a great spread Ms. A!" Pam gulped down a bearclaw greedily.
"I'm glad you think so," Mallory said as she approached them. "Oh look. A TV. And there's one of those Star War DVDs in it."
"One of the originals, right?" Pam asked.
"I believe so," Mallory nodded. She picked up a remote and turned it on. "Oh, and here are some headphones so you can enjoy the movie in peace."
"Sweet!" Pam grinned as she grabbed them.
"I can hear the explosions better!" Cheryl giggled as she gulped down more groovy bears.
"That's good," Mallory backed away. "Just enjoy yourselves."
"Thanks a lot Ms. Archer!" Pam grinned. "I thought you'd be mad but this is really nice of you!"
"Don't worry," Mallory said as she got into her car. "You deserve this."
"You know," Pam shouted as Mallory got into her car and drove away. "I always thought Ms. Archer was a cold-hearted bitch, but I think she's finally warming up. Must be because Archer's in a coma."
"Or she's taking new drugs," Cheryl shrugged as she took a drink. "Yay! Explosions!"
"This is great," Pam grinned as she and Cheryl watched the movie and kept eating and drinking.
Neither of them noticed a huge bus slowly rolling into the warehouse.
"That's right," Mallory had an evil grin on her face as she drove the bus. "Fill your gullets you little brain-dead trollops. Keep eating. Soon you'll be off to dreamland. And out of my life forever…"
RING! RING!
"God damn it," Mallory grumbled. "Maybe I should let it go to voice mail?"
RING! RING!
"WHAT?" Mallory answered the phone. "Lana I'm busy. Technically I shouldn't be on the phone while I'm driving."
Mallory paused. "Nothing…What? I have no idea where they are. Yes, I said I would pick them up and I did. Nooo. Perhaps they went to play in traffic?"
"No, that's not a bus engine you hear. Maybe…?"
"Oh, come on Lana! It's not like they're going to feel anything! I've put enough sleeping pills and drugs in their food and drink to knock out a parade of elephants! Yes, that's a saying. A group of elephants is either a herd or a parade. I know herd is more commonly used…"
Mallory frowned. "Lana! No! NO! NO! They have to die! They have to! I can't take their idiocy anymore! They have to die, no discussion! Give me one good reason why they should live! Just one!"
Mallory blinked. "What do you mean you have over a billion reasons? Oh. Hang on, that only counts for Carol! Fine, she's rich and gets a pass. That's how the world works! But the fat one has got to go! I'm serious! There's no reason for her to live!"
Mallory listened. "So what if AJ likes her? She's what? Three? Four? Whatever! She still likes toys and puppets! Not exactly a strong character witness in my opinion."
Mallory paused. "Lana it will be fine! We'll just tell her Pam went to live on a farm upstate! Of course that will work! It worked with all the damn goldfish Sterling had! Oh, who remembers? The point is, she's young enough to forget Pam. Honestly without Pam she might get some taste in friends."
Mallory winced. "But…But…I don't care how good a babysitter she is! Or how cheap! But I want her to die! I want her to die so much! It's just not fair, damn it! My Sterling is in a coma fighting for his life, and she's just running amok doing what she wants! It's not fair damn it!"
"Sterling won't miss her that much! I'll just use the farm upstate line on him. It's worked before. It has! With his goldfish. And that teacher of his. Or was it his scout master? Well it was someone I didn't like so…"
"Look besides AJ and Sterling missing her I want one good reason why Pam should live! Huh. I admit that is a plausible reason. Okay how about another reason? Oh. Yes, Lana. That is another good reason. How about three out of four?"
Mallory frowned. "Lana. No! No! I want at least Pam dead! Come on! You got to at least give me that! It's called compromise. Potato, Po-homicide-o. But…But…But…All right damn it! FINE! But you owe me! You owe me big time!"
Mallory ended the call. "Damn it. I knew I should have turned off my cell phone. Well let that be a lesson to you Mallory. Always turn off your cell phone while driving."
"Great. There's a thousand dollars in bus rental I'll never get back. On the plus side I don't have to worry about washing off the blood and guts with a power hose."
She got out of the bus. "All right you two…" She stormed over to them only to find that they were passed out. "Damn it."
"Well I said I wouldn't kill them. I didn't say anything else…"
Mallory took out a pen from her purse and wrote IDIOT on both their foreheads. "It's not much but I guess it will have to do."
"I guess I should take the bus back," Mallory remarked. "On the other hand, I did use a fake name and wore a wig when I rented it. Let 'em find it on their own. Who knows? I may get lucky and these two morons might take it for a spin and get into an accident."
"Hope springs eternal," Mallory grumbled as she walked out of the warehouse.
Mallory then paused. "Oh, what the hell?"
She then went back into the warehouse. She came back out with a large handmade sign. FREE WHORES TO A GOOD HOME!
"It's worth a shot," She stuck the sign outside the warehouse and left. "It does pay to advertise."