"But You Look So Good Tied Up!"
Summary: "YOU BLACK LACY THONG PILFER-ER!! GIVE IT BACK!?!" "Noooooooooo!" How Jack Sparrow became a notorious womanizer Ana Maria will never know, especially with his recent attempts at wooing her. How can she fall from him if he keeps on tying her up and stealing her pants? Semi-crack-fic. Read and you risk your sanity.
A/N: This is my first attempt at POTC writing. In fact this is my first piece of writing whatsoever so… be nice? If these Jack-Sparrow-Plushie-Eyes can't persuade you then maybe muffins will? Reviews would be treasured – tell me if you like it, love it, or even hate it so much that you'd like to shred it up and stew it. I DON'T CARE - just feed me Snicker bars and keep in mind I'm new. (Though I've been reading FanFiction for ages)
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Pirates of the Caribbean isn't mine. If it were then I would have Jack Sparrow sailing the Seven Seas stark naked with Will Turner dancing around him like he's a totem pole all the way.
Could this be anymore perfect? The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the flowers were blooming, not that you could spot remotely fresh flowers so far out at sea but that wasn't the point. What was important was that the day was utterly stunning. Too bad she couldn't enjoy it upside down.
Upside down you ask? You see, Ana Maria was currently bound tight to the mast, about 4 feet from the ground, sporting a ridiculously frilly, luminous pink wench dress, with a vein in her temple threatening to erupt like Mount Etna.
"YOU… YOU BASTARD!"
The inhuman screech reverberated across the globe causing a certain Elizabeth Swann's delicate fingers to, oh so gracefully, let her china tea cup slip from her gentle grasp and spill tea onto her cream lace bodice in a surprisingly slow-mo moment. Needless to say she bawled her eyes out. Serves the bitch right.
Back on the deck, Ana Maria was panting heavily, a thunderous aura hanging around her like a thick fog of Thor-esque doom. Gibbs was wise to cower behind a wooden barrel.
"JACK SPARROW! YOU WILL UNTIE ME NOW!"
Ana Maria struggled madly against the ropes, but no avail. Whatever bilge-rat invented sailor's knots was going to pay.
"GET ME DOWN! SPARROW!! GRRAAAAAH!?! IF I GET MY HANDS ON Y—"
"Ye'll what? Do me? Touch me like ye've always wanted?"
Ana Maria stopped her incessant yelling and glared, as uncomfortable as it was being upside-down and all, at the arrogant Captain stepping out of his cabin.
"Ravage me to the edges of insanity and envelope with me in an escapade of passion, lust and ecstasy?" He exclaimed, striking a dramatic pose and actually sounding hopeful.
"You've been practising that line..." Ana Maria deadpanned.
"Two bloody months."
If her head didn't hurt enough from all the blood rushing to her face, it bloody well did now.
"If this is another one of your Jack-needs-to-get-laid-and-so-he-shalt-do-the-first-object-which-is-female-and-has-a-hole-that-he-comes-across moods then you can bloody well PISS OFF AND FIND ANOTHER CANDIDATE!"
Said Jack-who-needs-to-get-laid-and-is-currently-suffering-withdrawal-symptoms-of-not-having-sex-since-last-Tuesday just stood there with an infuriating smirk playing on his lips whilst she ranted on, jovially strolling towards her without a care in the world. Obviously the insults Ana Maria ejected either missed him completely or rebounded right off his egoistical disposition.
"—you're overconfident, conceited and you're such an aggravating jerk! And, and… what the hell? G-get your dick out of my face!?"
Yes my friends, Jack Sparrow had placed his sexxiful self right in front of Ana Maria with his groin about, hmm, 2 inches from her face?
"Well, isn't this fateful? Ye gods have decided to tie you up so that your head was exactly level with me hunk of man? Don't you think ye gods are trying to tell ye something?"
"… Did you just call your penis a 'hunk of man'?"
"Yup!"
"Good God… just… don't talk anymore. And untie me."
"But ye look SO good tied up!"
"GAH!?" Ana Maria had officially lost the will to live.
"Aw, come on Annie!" twitch "Ye know ye can't resist me. I mean, me being such an incredible, gorgeous, charming young pirate, whose love for the sea cause vast numbers of women to swoon at me feet! And I don't normally go for the rough, hard-headed, beast of a woman…"
Ana Maria was beyond pissed. The vein in her temple returned, pulsing like a countdown before she incinerated the captain's so-called "hunk of man" along with the rest of his pathetic self.
"…but I be willing to make an exception for ye and tonight we'll unite in the sinful pleasures of the skin and we'll have amazing sex and ye'll be the beautiful bearer of me babies…" Ana Maria couldn't bear to listen to anymore; it was damaging her mental health.
"…quick romp in me quarters!"
"…"
"I'll even give yer knickers back…"
"WHA–!? It was you?? YOU were the panty-thief? YOU STOLE MY BLACK LACY THONG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!?"
Jack nodded feverishly, looking extremely proud of his achievement. It was surprising that his trouser leg wasn't smoking from the force of Ana Maria's glare.
"… YOU'RE BALLS ARE MINE!"
"But they were always yers!"
Ana Maria let out a frustrated noise, "Does this crap you spew out work with every single girl you manage to bed?"
"Aye, pretty much." She rolled her eyes.
"Bloody hell Annie," twitch "What does it take for me to woo ye?"
"Nothing you could do…"
"Then why are ye staring at me dick?"
"… Your flies are undone…"
Jack's grinned and his face lit up. He actually had the audacity to move an inch closer to her face.
"Don't deny it Annie!" twitch "Ye want me!" he stated smugly with a rather enthusiastic thrust of his hips.
"…"
Deciding she could take no more, Ana Maria did what any rational woman tied upside down on a mast would do:
She promptly headed Jack Sparrow in the crotch.
Jack: mutter That's gotta burn…
Ana Maria: Well then stop molesting me.
Jack: NEVERRRR!
Well, how was it? Good? Bad? AWFUL? REVIEW!! I'll accept any comments as long as they are productive – they'll all be much appreciated.
If you like it TELL ME!! – if you do, it'll encourage me to write more because right now I'm really unconfident about my writing skills. Whoo? Until I'm confident enough to write another random fic…
BYEEEE! I'm going to go and make Jack Sparrow molest Will! The poor bastard.