Loony Souls and Psychotic Reapers

Chapter One: Of Mites and Magic

Authors' Note: This is just a crazy random story linked to the odd dreams we have, how Bleach has affected our lives at university, and all of that crazy nonsense linked with it! We are not fond of Aizen or Gin, but we knew for a fact that our load of luck would get us sent into those squads. There are a lot of mature jokes in this, hence its mature, a lot of crazy hate and random happenings because we're completely insane, and basically it's our view of what we reckon would happen if we died and ended up in the Soul Society before the big rebellion and afterwards… Plus why we think Momo and Rukia SUCK!

Now to the Story…

"Well, at least they went out with a bang." The detective chuckled gently to the camera crew as he kicked at the charred remains and occasional splattered limbs of the two strange foreign scientists that had taken over a lab on the outskirts of Tokyo, Japan. There had been a massive explosion, but no one really cared because apparently the occupants had been planning to create a super efficient killer virus to take over humanity with. The fewer psychos around the better, right?

"OH GOD! We're dead and they're making stupid jokes at our expense! I hope my virus gets you! Go Psychotic Mange Mites! KILL!" One of the scientists was screeching from behind the detective, jumping up and down with frustration. Unlike their corpses, the two ghosts were quite whole and very annoyed. The one yelling was the real lunatic; a British Scientist with random pieces of every European country thrown into the bloodline and a reputation as a dictator amongst the science community. This was Kara Thalion, name changed legally for reasons of an illegal nature. Kara was tall and very pallid looking with dyed purple hair and sunken in grey eyes that were surrounded in a layer of shadow caused by paranoia and caffeine addiction. Kara was not a small woman, in fact she was not the ideal looking scientist or lunatic, and her sweet smile meant no one had ever taken her seriously! This had been her big chance to take over, and she'd blown it! Or rather she'd blown up!

"What's this… Some of their parasite subjects did live. They're kind of cute little bugs aren't they? Look it's crawling onto my hand… And now its burying into my skin and it's hit my veins… AGGGH!" The reporter and the detective began to itch like mad as they had knocked the rubble away to find the little burrowing creatures alive and listening in. They were mange mites taken from dogs that Kara and her assistant and number two person, Kira, had taken in from the streets and raised. The dogs had died a year before when protestors had set them free and the two animals had run into a train station at the rush hour in confusion. They were eating away the hair and then the skin of their victims, and the ghosts were appearing and staring in horror at the two scientists ghosts. Kara was taken for a moment in thought; could mites see and hear the dead?

"HA! You're dead and my plague is still wreaking havoc! Told you all to believe me when I said I was a freaking psychopath! Come here Mr Jokey!" Kara had suddenly spotted the bad joke-maker and had leapt onto him, punching him several times in the face and being assisted by her other dead mites that were assisting in chasing away the other souls. In the meantime the world around them began to make blurred sounds as life moved on and they remained dead. This was noticed by Kira, who had spotted her surviving play station games being picked up and stolen by some evil little Japanese children that probably were much further ahead in gaming then she was!

"It's all your fault we're dead! I hate you Kara! I hate you and you stupid legally changed name and Psychotic Mange! You're a stupid loon who should never have escaped the Norwegian Mental Asylum two years ago! Why did I ever help you?" Kira wailed in sorrow as she tried to run after the children but found she was held in place by the simple fact her bit of chain remaining had linked onto Kara's. This meant she was being jerked from side to side a little too much, and it was actually hurting. Kira was no exactly a tall or heavy woman, she was just over five foot, had a reasonable pair of boobs and an average set of buttocks, but that had never really helped her out when dealing with Kara. Kira Megani had brown hair with red and white highlights and her hair was long and wavy, something that had attracted a very handsome young store clerk recently, and now she was even more pissed off with Kara after remembering the date she was supposed to have that night!

"Hey, you know what Kira? You may hate me and all, but the Psychotic mange was your idea. You know that it's been in my mind for six years! But shame we both died in our mid-twenties, but hey, we're ghosts now so we can't die again! That and the cure were destroyed in the explosion and the plague will kill everyone! He-he-he! I'm slightly amused, but more concerned with this odd bit of chain hanging from my chest. That and fighting the strange urge I have to sing things like 'Just Keep Swimming' and 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'. I think death has freed my mind of restraint! WAHOO!" Kara began ranting and running in circles in delight. She leant down to the ghost of one of her mites that had died trying to secure its host, and it gave a little squeaking sound of delight and wagged its little proboscis in happiness to see its 'mother'.

"I still hate you! All you've ever done to me is ruining my life! Why did I befriend you? Why did I accept your highly over-worked but extremely overpaid assistance job? Why did I give you the idea for the mites? I hate you! I hate you! I could have finally lost my Virginity tonight, but NO! You had to go and kill me! DAMN YOU KARA! I'd call you by your real name but then the universe would IMPLODE! Oh wait, no need, we're dead Miss Hyacinth Grahams!" Kira started to screech as well and jump and down in her great knee-high black boots with its button and ribbon joining. The heels were making dips in the ground, and as she bounced forward a bit, the chain untangled and fell to the ground and some random human walking past tripped over one of the holes and was swarmed by the mites. The little parasites were changing colours with excitement, and the dead one in Kara's hand was twiddling its antennae toward Kira in sorrow.

Kara's face seemed to do an impression of a goldfish as she paused to look at her companion. Around her ghostly form the mites were mobbing to await more orders of chaos and destruction, and Kara picked up one of the big ones and placed it over to Kira. Her sunken face looked a little odd, if only because she was very upset about her corny British name being yelled out. It wasn't her fault really; Kira had been the one to put the serum in the fish tank and to have asked for it for her date whilst Kara had been fondling the electric eels to regenerate the circuit board. Really the whole thing was Kira's fault, but the mites even seemed to sense that this argument would fail, and so Kara simply dropped one of the mites gently onto her friend's shoulder. This mite flushed a purple and then a vivid scarlet as it made a gurgling purr sound and rubbed it's proboscis to Kira's cheek in comfort.

"I hate your stinking mites! I hate those fooking kids that stole my games! I hate being dead! But the mites are making cute faces… I don't hate them… too much… Damn you Kara! I'm not talking to you anymore at all!" Kira growled bitterly as she folded her arms and turned her back on evil scientist, who had made her a trillionaire within three years of knowing her. It was not as if that mattered now anyway, she was dead and so the money would be divided between her surviving relatives and the various charities she supported. It was not as if they were both incredibly evil, just bitter young women who still wanted to kill their behaviour lecturer. But she could not help but tickle the little mite under his great fangs and mandibles to what she thought was his chin, so the purring increased again.

"How about I send them out to kill those children? But hey, there could be advantages to being dead! As I said, we can't die again!" Kara grinned mischievously, pressing close and perching her head on Kira's shoulder. But Kira turned around and punched her face so Kara leapt back, rubbing her delicate little nose. The mites made lecturing sounds, but then swarmed around the fleeing children and ate them into little shreds. When the ghosts appeared, bawling in front of Kara and Kira, the second scientist went berserk and started to kick the living daylights, or rather dead daylights, out of the runty brat-children.

"AGH! It's Godzilla! RUN! Agh! Hey he ate that postman's soul!" The screams came from the crowd of spirits that all began to flee though some where suddenly being picked up and eaten. Kira froze in terror when she spotted the great green lizard thing approaching them with a white mask over its great tyrannical muzzle. She let the kids run away from under her feet and stare blankly. It looked like Kara was about to be corrected once again, but Kara simply assumed it was just her mites forming swarm-cloud shapes.

"What? Godzilla's not real…." Kara snorted her back to the situation. But when the great monster leant forward and let out a typical Godzilla roar behind the scientists, which sent a smelly airwave over them, Kara froze in thought. Being new to the world of death, neither understood what a Hollow was, or that they were attracted to high concentrations of spiritual energy caused either by unregistered soul reapers or by vast gatherings of concentrated spirits. Now that Kara had turned, she was able to note quite calmly; "Okay, I stand corrected…"

"What shall we do boss? Run or what?" Kira shrieked in horror as the souls of the children were picked up and swallowed screaming, though she had to hide back a few chuckles. The mites tried to swarm the monster, but were flicked aside by a massive tail and Kira and Kara both shrieked at the mistreatment of their creations. On the real part of the world however, the public were running to escape the swarm but musing at its amazing aerodynamic acrobatics and grimacing over what seemed a big joke of forming the shape of Godzilla for a few moments.

"I thought you said you weren't talking to me?" Kara snorted angrily at her companion and she folded her arms and turned away. Suddenly the threat of being eaten by a once-fictional creation did not seem as upsetting as being ignored by her closest friend… at least the closest friend that she had not created, made-up, was a pet, or thought she was too insane to stand near.

"I'm not; you're just imagining this… Now what do we do?" Kira growled, folding her own arms and turning away as the mite on her shoulder slapped its own head. But when it looked as though they were going to be stepped on by a Hollow Godzilla's wart infested foot, both of tem automatically did a surprising move. Since university the pair had noted how in each others company they had grown in athleticism and diving out of the way of student-hungry cars had giving them a keen sense of timing and reactivity. They dove aside and rolled to position themselves on one leg and down on one knee, and arms outstretched like a cat about to pounce. They darted suddenly away from a swinging tail and hopped under the legs of the hollow and behind some rubble to regroup whilst the mites tried to distract them again.

"Ah, can't be too hard to kill, it's got a skull of solidified calcium so that means we should just have to crack it and the structure will fail." Kara mused happily as they slumped against the slab of concrete. Both of them had not noticed how they were out of breath, when they were dead, let alone that they felt tired and a little hungry. Normally they only felt hungry when the caffeine or Relentless ran out, but the fact that they were dead seemed to let their brains cut off most hungry or tired signals. Though Kara made sense in her own scientific way, the adrenalin had hit Kira and she was suddenly confused.

"English please?" Kira barked as the tail of the monster split them up. They darted aside and ran around, the mites trying again to cause a third distraction and confuse the beast even more.

"Hit it in the head." Kara screeched with annoyance as she was forced to run with a shriek as big lizard teeth aimed at her back. The hollow began to follow her as she ran in circles, the hollow getting a little dizzy so that it tripped and Kara lunged into a pile of rubble attempting to find something to bash it around the head with. Beside her the mites were fighting the beast as it remained startled on the ground groaning.

"Okay. Oh, and by the way Kara; DAMN YOU! Oh and good work so far Binky!" Kira called out to the mites as she too looked around for a lead pipe. To some luck she found a copper pipe instead and began to run at the head of the hollow. With a few hard whacks to its temple she tried her hardest to make the head split whilst the hollow groaned in confusion.

"You called my head mite Binky? And I thought my name was corny!" Kara snorted as she emerged from the rubble with her precious tool! A few years ago Kara had been forced to change her name after an incident when she had murdered a dorm filled with piggish rich white men from a country that no longer existed. She had killed them all with a chainsaw she'd saved up to get and even bought licensing so it was all legal. Her insanity plea had saved her from prison, though she had terrified the mass murderers in her overnight cells with stories of how she'd almost had her intestines pulled out by a Dogo Argentino. So, pulling out the still blood covered and slightly rusted device from the ground, surprised it was still working and glowing a little blue and red in colouring, she ran at the hollow.

Kira leapt to her side, confused how she'd been able to leap so high into the air and land carefully next to Kara. Kira had also noticed the copper pipe was still in her hand and glowing a sort of grey and red colour, and that both of their freaky chains had disappeared. She turned to look at Kara and Kara turned to look at Kira. With a nod they leapt forward and in a moment of sheer delight and thrilling excitement, they crashed the chainsaw and pipe into the head of Godzilla and its head split. Suddenly the resounding and mechanical sound of the Final Fantasy Victory Tune rumbled from Kira's hip-pocket, making her squeak in delight and then squeal as the corpse disappeared and she realised her phone was still working.

"Well my fellow Monkey Slaughterer! It seems the ironic message tone of your mobile has inspired us once again to drink Relentless and booze over our grand victory! We have killed Godzilla successfully and hopefully unlike in the movies he will neither return to fight a skulled King Kong or be reconstituted into a more advanced and modern version of himself!" Kara sighed gently and then fainted onto the ground. The mites seemed to swarm away to live their own lives and continue decimating the population of Japan. Kira stared blankly at her phone, confused how there were neither signals on it, or any sign of a recent text. She blinked a few times before kicking Kara up, yelling at her, and they were about to argue when there was the sound of clapping. Their heads were pressed together in argument and slowly turned toward the audience.

"Dazzling! Impressive! Couldn't have expected recently deceased souls to have reaper powers so quickly. Especially considering that's the first time I've ever seen a chainsaw and a copper pipe give off the same pressure as Zanpaku-to!" The voice was the kind of a grown man that was never really impressed by anything because he was bored, but was trying to make himself sound enthusiastic. The man was clapping his hands together whilst a group of black robe wearing people stared with horrified expressions behind him. However, the reaction this man, a strange bloke with long curling brown hair, a scruffy beard, and a great pink flowery overcoat-robe-thing, received made him stare in confusion.

"Gesundheit!" Kara snorted at the mention of a strange Japanese word she did not understand. Generally she would say that if she did not understand and they would get the hint she was a foreigner and try to explain things in English. However this group did not seem to understand what she just said and Kara found herself wondering if these were some kind of localised soul police or something similar. She could not imagine such a thing, unless the idea of purgatory was not indeed a made up notion in the 14th Century and that her own religion had been right all along…

"Ummm… I take it you don't know anything about where you are or why you're here? I take it you're also not from Japan… I was… I was just referring to your weapons." The man quickly muttered, stepping closer, and wearing some strange kind of hat like the top of an umbrella made of bamboo or something wood-like. His approach still kept Kara staring blankly like a fish, whilst he inched a bit too close to Kira and looked at her with a charming grin, holding onto her hand. Kira though looked to Kara with a look of complete horror.

"Is… Is… Is he coming onto me, Kara?" Kira asked nervously and the man seemed to freeze for a moment, his spine shuddering as if he could see the outraged looks on his followers, especially from one female in a pair of glasses. Either way they were soon partially relived and horrified when Kara responded the way she always did when Kira was nervous of men, lifted a leg and kicked upward and hard into the face of the stranger until she spotted blood on the end of her tan coloured steel-toe-capped boots. That done the watchers inched a little closer, waving their hands and trying to make gestures that they were not there to hurt the pair of loony women.

"He was just trying to be friendly that was all! We're not a threat to you both, we're friends. I understand you're not from around here, but we're called Soul Reapers. We're supposed to take souls to the other world, which we call the Soul Society. We're unique because we can use something called spiritual pressure to form weapons and strengths in defeating and purifying the thing you guys just took out, which is called a Hollow. Hollows are souls that haven't been crossed over but were consumed by bad emotions and eat other souls. When we kill them, they actually go to the Soul Society, unless they're really bad in which case they go to hell. The Zanpaku-to is your weapon, usually a sword, which is used to defeat them. This making any sense?" One of the young men volunteered. He stepped forward with a stunning amount of platinum blonde hair, dazzling blue eyes, and a charisma so vivid it almost made Kira faint. She ended up blinking a few times in sheer confusion but then turned to Kara, turned back, and nodded. Kara then snorted in response.

"I was just being friendly too. My name's Kara Thalion, don't ask me anything about my past and I won't have to kill you… though you're already dead. That's Kira Megani, my assistant and best friend. We moved to Tokyo about six months ago to work in my blown up lab. We're actually from the UK, but the less said about our constant country hopping the better. Now, who are you all? Who's the nitwit I kicked? And who are you, silver-boy!" Kara snorted with annoyance, swinging the chainsaw up and leaning it on a shoulder whilst she itched the rubble from her purple hair and then itched under her chin. Her seemingly reckless greeting making everyone of the soul reapers shudder, she sounded a little too familiar.

The soul reapers looked from one to the other, there was quite a large amount of them, and some did not want to be talking. They quickly muttered something to the young lady in glasses and were dismissed to help out the other souls that were running toward them in excitement but seeking help. Kara and Kira found themselves staring at the seemingly perverted man with the pink thing over his shoulders as he stood up and patted Kira's shoulders. Kira looked nervously toward Kara, and when the man leant too close to Kara and put his hands on her shoulders, Kara couldn't help but give him such a strong head-butt that he was out on the floor. Once again the blonde young man, who was tall and like a younger and thinner version of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy, spoke again.

"Oh, well, my name's Tadashi Haruko. You can call me Haruko though, considering that's my given name, I understand you foreigners say your given name and then your family name. It's a pleasure to meet you both." He said nervously whilst bowing slightly. His voice was soft and gentle so that Kira seemed almost to swoon at it, and she swayed a little. After giving a look of annoyance at having someone tell her what she ALREADY knew, Kara had given her goldfish look before turning to the fallen man and prodding at his shoulders with her feet. The young man, Haruko, continued. "The young lady behind me is Lieutenant Ise Nanao, and the man you're kicking is Captain Kyôraku Shunsui. We're members of the thirteen court squads to which all soul reapers are part of. Our squad number is eight, and Captain Kyôraku is one of the best captains around, he's just a little over friendly with the ladies. He doesn't mean anything though. If you don't mind, we'd like to take you back to the Soul Society and make you join the academy, only you certainly have enough spiritual pressure…"

"Academy? As in LEARNING?" Kara suddenly lunged into his face, grabbing the white rim of his black clothes. She grinned menacingly as if she was some kind of mad lunatic, and technically she sort of was. Haruko was a little freaked out and his eyes bulged with terror, at that point though his Captain was able to stand on his feet and wobble over to nod his head and give a groaning sound. There was a massive bump on his scruffy face and Kara turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Wow. You must be strong to be able to stand up after that! I split some idiots skull doing that once and ended up in trouble for it! But luckily I'm so insane no one cares. Anyway, if we get learning… and it's FREE… then of course we'll come with you, no questions asked…."

Behold another beautiful clear early morning in the Seretei and the beautiful sight of the a little house within, sitting happily on the edge of a small copse and pond. A large army of deranged mutant mites has had Japan, Korea, India, and Australia within its range for fifteen years now, and yet the exaggerated death tolls never seem to change the shift of souls here. For this little house with one stain-glass window at the front, the morning was heralded by the clan of a china saucer and the excitement of Kara as she bounced to the door!

"The milk is gone! My son's still here! Behold even he cookies have been munched!" She squealed in manic delight as she bounced up and down on the porch and began her search. Behind her, Kira appeared, still trying to fix her tightening robes. For a moment she was also intrigued, but more so for the curious dull-coloured mantis that was trying to climb the porch step with a spoon! But then she heard the familiar teeth-grinding squeak of a body pressed to the stain-glass window.

"You know that's a window picture of Aizen, Hisagi? Plus aren't you supposed to be helping Tousen put his underwear on?" Kira questioned nervously, as she watched the horniest bisexual in the Seretei pause in his continuous rubbing against the glass. He backed away from the window a little, dressed as always, but he tripped on the spoon, squashed the mantis, and landed in front of the two mad female scientists. It would not have been a problem, save for the fact that Hisagi fashions his clothes like a Scottish Kilt and they were both flashed, and that he was covered in cookie crumbs and wearing a milky moustache!

"YOU BASTARD! You ate me son's special cookies! Now he's runaway from home and he even forgot his mittens!" Kara screeched as she leapt onto Hisagi in her bath-robe and began to punch him into the dry path outside the porch. Somewhere else in the Seretei however, Captain Kaname Tousen was standing nude near a window with a foot raised. He could hear some giggling but that was normal. He had been waiting an hour though for his pants to be put on, and he was starting to get a little worried….

End of Part One