For more information on the life and times of Johnny No Thumbs, check out "April's Diary" and a few of my other stories. He's sort of an OC, but I also borrowed him from a mention on "Golden Girls." Which is a weird cross over concept, but whatever. He's only mentioned a few times and I've greatly expanded him here. The episode is "Take Him, He's Yours" in season 2 of Golden Girls. The whole series is up for free on Youtube. I guess it's a companion piece to "Confessions of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."This is a one-shot, by the way. I don't know if he would actually kill these thugs, but I needed the imagery. So… hehe
He'd said he would be back in a few minutes. That was over an hour ago. Raph sat in the taco stand, feeling sick at the sight of the meat bucket. He hadn't been manning it with the attention to health and safety that Johnny liked and the grease was running over the metal counter. He wasn't paying him, so he wasn't getting anything more than basic service. The taco stand was really a converted ice cream truck with a big taco on the top. It played stereotypical Latin music and had big picture of a Chihuahua wearing a sombrero on the side.
Thankfully, there had only been three customers. Raph had amused himself so far by watching the tiny black and white television. Ricky was telling Lucy that she couldn't be in the show.
So far none of the patrons had said anything about his unusual appearance. They were more put off by his offensive demeanor and language.
A teenage girl rang the bell. "We're closed," Raph said, not removing his feet from the counter.
"Then why is the window open?" she said. "And you're little sign says 'open.'"
He slowly got up and leaned out the window at her. The girl seemed to be his age. He didn't have much experience with members of his peer group or of the opposite gender and he opened the conversation with a suave, "Wow, you're short."
"Well, you're… green. Freak. I want a beef taco and an enchilada."
Raph didn't turn around to serve her. He stared at her a second and leaned further out the window. Her eyes opened wider as his body was illuminated under the street light and the patchwork of scarring was made visible. "What are all those scars from?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" he said, leering towards her. Scaring girls was fun. He'd never had the opportunity to do it before. It gave his arrogance a slight boost to know that his battle hardened appearance was so impressive. It still didn't compensate for the word "freak."
He turned around and served up a sloppy taco and handed it back out the window at her. He leaned casually on the window as she fumbled for some change. "That's $2.50 or something. Fuck, I don't care. Give me whatever you feel like."
"You're going to get fired if you go on like that," she said, digging in her pocket.
"My dream may come true."
She handed him a dollar and handful of change. "Sorry I called you a freak. That wasn't cool."
He sat back at the TV without a word and watched Ethel call Fred cheap.
"Hey, did you hear me? I said I was sorry." Maybe if he ignored her, she would go away.
Laughter on the television.
"Hey, creep. If nobody likes you, it's because you're so rude. Not because you're a giant lizard or whatever. Jerk."
He jumped back to the window and leaned back out at her. "Hey, maybe I like it that nobody likes me! Ever think of that!"
She giggled at him as she ate her taco. "You're a big mama's boy, aren't you? You're just like my brother Dave."
Raph slammed the little window in her face. He turned the television up louder. Solitude. Blessed solitude. But it was short lived. There was a loud knock on the glass. He reluctantly pulled back the window and saw a middle aged woman. She didn't even look at him. She was busy reading the menu mounted above him, just under the taco.
And there was that girl. Sitting on a bench twenty feet away and eating her enchilada. She waved at him dramatically and then pantomimed weeping. He pulled out a sai and waved it at her threateningly. She was frightened and turned away.
"Little bitch," he muttered happily.
"Excuse me," the woman said, clearly offended. She backed away when she processed the shell, the bandanna, the clearly not-human skin tone.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm a freak. What do you want?"
"Just a chicken burrito."
He made lots of noise tossing the container lids around the small space and pounding the ladle loudly in the chicken bucket. He tossed the burrito thoughtlessly in the microwave.
"So, is that a costume?" the lady asked as they waited.
He didn't respond. The microwave beeped and he practically threw the burrito at her. "That's $5."
"For a burrito? That sounds steep."
"Hey, I'm a freak. What do I know about human money? Do you want the frickin' burrito or not, woman? Because I'll gladly eat it myself."
"Fine. Here." She shoved a five dollar bill in his hand and he heard her mutter, "Asshole," as she walked away.
"You're a real people person… uh… lizard, aren't you?" the girl called from her bench.
"Fuck off!" He slammed the glass shut again. As soon as he sat on his stool, he heard another knock on the window. He slid the window back slowly, girding himself for another shocked reaction. As soon as he opened the window he heard a small child wailing. A mother was holding a toddler and his visage was so frightening that the mother shielded his little face and walked away. Raph slammed the window quickly.
He took a few deep breaths to fight off the humiliation. Maybe it wasn't such a good thing to intimidate people with only his looks. There was a small knock on the window and he whipped it open, "I TOLD YOU TO GET LOST!"
"Okay, bye," the red head said, as she turned and skipped away a few steps.
"April! Come back. I could kiss you!"
"No thanks," she said, leaning playfully against the window. He leaned out at her, smiling. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Manning the battle station. Johnny went to take a piss over an hour ago."
"Maybe he needs to have his prostate checked." She leaned forward to see inside.
"Want a taco?" He gestured towards the dirty counter. "It's on me."
She wrinkled up her nose. "It smells like cat food in there."
Raph snapped his fingers dramatically. "So that's why his tacos are so cheap. I always wondered why he went to the pound so much."
The girl on the bench choked on her enchilada.
"So… did Leo give you clearance for this special mission? You're awfully visible."
Raph crossed his arms and pretended that he was about to shut the window. He wouldn't, but he pretended. She put a hand on the glass to stop him. He said, "What Leo doesn't know won't hurt him."
"Is this made out of cats? Because if it is I want my money back," the girl said as she approached the taco stand.
April looked down at her and then smiled at Raph, raising her eyebrows.
"Yeah, it's made out of cats. You didn't hear all that meowing when you were ordering?"
"It's beef, honey," April said to her.
"Your boyfriend is a real jerk," she said.
April smirked at Raph as he blushed and scowled at the same time. "Evidently your charm is lost on other people. What can I say? I like 'em big, rude and green."
He smiled broadly as he said, "You're a real bitch. Did I ever tell you that?"
She laughed and said as she turned away, "And just for that, I'm going home."
"You don't want to stay and eat cat meat with me? I have some whiskey stashed in here."
"Pass. See you."
"You're breaking my heart, woman!" he yelled as she got further away. "You know I have a fragile ego!"
She flipped him off.
"I'm going to jump you! I swear!" He leaned further out of the window in order to yell after her.
He watched as she turned the corner, laughing madly to herself.
"Your girlfriend is weird," the girl said as she blew a straw wrapper in his face. It struck him directly in the nose.
He snatched the straw away from her and said, "She's not my girlfriend! She's my pretend sister! And it's not any of your business anyway! Go home before I kick your ass!"
"It's a good thing that you don't have any real sisters. They'd be as ugly as you are."
He slammed the window in her face and went back to watching "I Love Lucy." He measured time by the episodes and he realized that he'd gone an entire episode and a half without an interruption. Where was Johnny? That useless bum.
Then he heard a noise and automatically rose to open the window. But it wasn't coming from the window. It a small scraping noise at the back of the truck. It sounded like someone was turning the knob very slowly.
Someone was trying to rob him.
Good. He drew his sais and waited. The door inched open and Raph had a fleeting glimpse of a human hand. That was all he needed. "You picked the wrong taco stand, friends," he said, rushing at them.
But something wasn't right. He was thrown into the front of the truck and heard "La Cucaracha" playing loudly as he landed on the loudspeaker. Of course. Six huge foot ninjas. Perfect. Actually, he was pleased. Fighting lame Purple Ninjas was in no way satisfying. If he could get in some good action, then maybe it would make up for the last two hours of "I Love Lucy" and shocked faces.
Raph threw all his weight at them to force them out of the truck. He couldn't allow himself to be cornered in a confined space. A few tumbled out the back and onto the pavement, but three did not. They stood their ground. These guys were better than the usual thugs. He felt a mindless surge of pleasure at the idea. He could have fought them with his eyes shut. Sometimes he tried, but it usually didn't turn out all that well. He kicked one of them in the head and the guy fell backwards into his comrade, landing them both on their backs on the pavement. Raph pushed his way past the third.
There was no adequate way to describe a good fight. Just a rush of elation and blood pounding in the ears. Blocking out the rest of the world and letting the blows come without thinking and then looking around at the damage he had done when it was all over. They were all on the ground. Some of them possibly dead. Definitely not getting up any time soon. He panted, savoring the rush as it drained away. Who needed drugs?
Then he heard a faint noise coming from a few feet away. A little creature was squatting a behind the park bench.
It was the stupid girl. She'd been there the whole time. His first instinct was to scream at her. But he couldn't think of any intelligent words fitting for the situation and wondered what Leo would do. What would Leo do? Leo would ask if she was okay. And then… marry her… He tried not to smile. He would probably escort her home, staying hidden in the shadows.
"You alright?" His voice was harsh and guttural, still full of adrenalin. She nodded frantically. She was tiny, curled up behind the bench. All he could see were her eyes. He started towards her and she flinched. "I'm not going to hurt you. Are you okay?"
She was in tears. Great. A crying girl. "You killed those guys."
He looked down at the carnage. Well, a few were definitely dead. "Well, not all of them."
"You shouldn't kill people. It's bad."
"Tell that to them!" he said, pointing at the nearest corpse with a sai. Blood dripped onto the ground. He realized belatedly that it probably wasn't the most comforting image. "What do you think they wanted to do to me?" He scratched his head, trying to think of something to do. "Want to go home now?"
She shook her head. She was still curled up behind the bench, watching him through the slats.
"Well, you want a taco?"
No reaction at first. "Okay."
"You can sit in the van with me if you want." He tried not to audibly groan at the idea.
He motioned her towards him. He was not going so far as to walk all the way over to the bench to pull her up. She could walk to him. She slowly stood up and came towards him, hugging her midsection. She made a wide swath around the foot ninjas and climbed into the back of the truck. He shut the door after her and motioned to a nearby stool. She sat down, her body language totally closed. She stared at him with huge eyes.
Raph decided to block her out, since he didn't know what to do with her. He realized that the TV was broken. "Damn." He looked around for some other way to block out the silence and pushed past her towards the front of the van. He heard a little, "Eep," as he brushed past. He turned on the car radio, letting it run off the battery. So what if it died. It was all Johnny's fault anyway. A heavy metal song blared and he turned down the volume. He needed to be able to hear any other potential attacks.
He sat down on his stool again and inspected himself for wounds. He was only a little scratched. He was also covered in blood spatter and it probably wasn't helping to reassure the girl at all. But he didn't really care and leaned back against the wall, allowing his limbs room to spread out. He pulled out his sais and wiped them clean on a dishtowel and threw the bloody rag into the sink. The girl flinched with the motion.
"So why didn't you leave when I told you?" he asked, sheathing his sais.
"I'm waiting for somebody," she said. Her voice was shaky and tear choked. "A boy was going to meet up with me and we were going to walk around. Like a date. I suppose you don't have any of those, right?" She seemed satisfied in some way that he was dateless.
"Thankfully. Well, when was he supposed to show? It's been a while."
"Two hours ago."
Raph propped one of his legs against the counter. He realized that he must look like quite an impressive monster to her and got a secret satisfaction from it. Then he remembered the screaming toddler and let his foot land on the floor again.
Raph?
"Leo? Is that you?" He looked around at the source of the voice of his brother. "Where are you?"
I'm at home. Where are you?
It was his phone. The girl had momentarily forgotten to be afraid of him. She was overcome by curiosity. He pulled his phone off his belt and said, "I'm near Second and Oak. Why? I think I butt dialed."
Oh, okay. We're going to watch a movie. You coming home?
Great. Leo missed him. "Maybe. I don't know how long I'll be here."
Well, if you like we can hold it for you.
"No, just go ahead. Like I said. I don't know how long I'll be."
All right. Ki o tsukete.
"Yeah, I will." Raph hung up.
The girl asked, "What did he say? Was that Spanish?"
He restrained an eye roll. "That was Japanese. He said, 'Be careful.'"
"Is he your boyfriend?" she asked.
"No, he's my brother and, yes, he's as ugly as I am." He tucked his phone back into his belt and considered turning up the radio a little louder to discourage conversation.
"You're not ugly," she said, looking him up and down. "Not really. Just really different. And scary."
It seemed like a good time for silence and he was about to turn up the radio when the back door flew open. He drew a sai and grabbed the culprit by the shirt. He pushed him against the wall of the van and held the sai to his throat.
"Don't kill me, Butch!" It was Johnny No Thumbs. He was holding his hands in the air.
Raph released him and put his sai away. Johnny motioned at the girl. "Been having some fun on the side?"
"Where were you?" Raph asked. "Did your nympho wife need to be serviced?"
"Yeah, actually," he said, pulling himself together and trying to look dignified. "How was business?"
"Made a couple of bucks." Raph wondered if Johnny had noticed the bodies out front. He decided that he was probably ignoring the fact, hoping that Raph wouldn't kill him too. "I'm going now. Come on…" he motioned behind him to the girl, indicating that she should follow him out.
They both left the van and Johnny immediately took off before they had even closed the door. The sound of "The Mexican Hat Dance" echoed in the night. Raph walked away from her towards a shadow-filled alley, not looking back.
"Hey, what's your name?" she called after him.
He stopped. "What's your name?"
Her heard footsteps as she left and he continued on his way without looking back.