"Yet they'll never have
Someone like you to back them
and help them on the way.
Or tell them when it's time to say I love you.
So tell me when it's time to say I love you." - Green Day. Tell Me When It's Time to Say I Love You.
First year of McKinley:
The first day of school wasn't like I thought it was going to be. It was...smaller. The school looked gigantic from the outside but once I'd got given a map by Principle Figgin's I was fine and able to navigate around the classrooms like I would the back of my palm. Many people from my old school were there. Finn Hudsen, Noah Puckerman, Kurt Hummel and Brittany...I can't even remember whether she has a last name now. Anyway, they were all there, but they didn't speak to me. Maybe they didn't recognise me out of school uniform as we didn't have to wear one at McKinley and maybe pigs were also flying that day. Or maybe it was because they presumed themselves too cool to hang around with the Jewish girl with a big nose and wearing a pant-suit. Yeah, I'm guessing the second one. Not that I cared or anything. I mean, I didn't mind being an outcast. I would find friends soon enough and if I didn't I could always put my headphones in and listen to some Idina Menzel. At that moment in time I really prefered the first idea. I was young, naiive and I wanted to go home to my dad's and tell them that I'd made some new friends. But that was just fucked from the start.
But that didn't happen. I spent the first month of McKinley absolutely miserable. Actually, come to think of it, I've spent the whole of McKinley miserable but three years ago not having any friends was the absolute pinicle of my sadness. When the summer month rolled into autumn, however, a notice went up that got a fair few of us very excited. I still remember what it said, even now. Even after everything. 'Star Club! The place where people of all shapes, colours and religions are accepted!' I thought it sounded wonderful at the time. A place where nothing could hold you back. Not my nose, my dress sense or my religion. And it didn't. I went to the meeting and pretty soon the club was fully functioning and amazing. Loads of people joined and the rehearsals we had went extremely well, almost everyone had good voices. Especially a particular blonde called Quinn Fabray. I wouldn't admit it at the time but I was attracted to her a little. But I just shook it off as minor crush and carried on dating boys. We were close to regionals when something awful happened and my world was torn apart. My beautiful, young and youthful world was ripped to shreds. The something awful? Santana Lopez.
When she first came to the school it didn't bother me. I just thought she was a regular student. So what, she was cheerleader? So what she went through men like Kurt went through hair products? It didn't bother me. I didn't speak to her. Until she decided that Star Club wasn't cool. Then she bothered me. She bothered everyone, actually. No...bullied is more the word, not bothered. Bullied. She bullied Quinn, Brittany and some of the others to quit and just be Cheerios because that was far superior than anything else in the school. She persuaded Puck, Finn, Dijon and Matt that singing and dancing was for whimps. And Cheerios didn't date whimps. So they quite as well and joined the football team. Others fell away also, I don't know where they went but they didn't come back. So that left Mercedes, Kurt, Artie Tina and me. I'll bet you can guess that that didn't go so well.
We were bullied, slushied, chucked in dumpsters and locked in classrooms until the next lesson. I was in despair, and so were the others. We didn't know what to do, we renamed the Star Club to Glee Club, but that didn't work. People weren't fooled, not even Brittany and that was saying something. We tried to not show the taunts getting to us, fat load of luck that was. They just made the punishments worse so that we'd end up retaliating again. I think it got to Kurt most of all. Or at least I told myself it got to him most of all. But really it got to me far more than I realised. I just didn't notice it happening. My self esteem became so low that after the one millionth youtube comment I got telling me that my dad's had better get me a nozel (you know, the ones you get for dogs to stop them barking) I stopped posting videos of myself singing and performing and tried to quit Glee. But Artie and Tina wouldn't let me. Kurt and Mercedes were happy to let me go because as far as I could tell they didn't like me but hey, who didn't? Artie told me that I was their strongest vocalist and without me Glee Club just wouldn't be Glee anymore. So, out of pity and the fact that flattery will get you any where with me, I decided to stay and ignore the comments. Well, look like I was ignoring the comments at the most.
Everything had changed. The name of the Club, the people in it, our status' in the school, the way people reacted to hearing our names, the fact that being able to sing once made you cool and popular, the way the cool and popular people treated Glee Clubbers. Everything except for one thing: Quinn Fabray. Pissing Quinn Fabray! Okay, maybe that's too general. The way I felt about Quinn Fabray. I told you before that I felt it was just a crush? Well it turned out that it wasn't. Turned out that I liked her way more than I'd orginally planned and it was killing me. I didn't know whether it was just a huge crush, a large fancy or an irrivocable love thing I had going for her but it wasn't nice. Especially when I knew she was the one that bullied me the most next to Santana. Especially when I knew that she didn't like bullying me. How do I know that? I could see it in her eyes every time she had to go through with the taunting me and making jibes. Her hazel eyes would look so pained and miserable that I started to tell myself that it was worth it. That what I went through, being bullied, didn't even compare to what she had to go through, being the bully. It couldn't be nice having to look into my eyes and say and do things that she knew was causing me pain. Whether it was for that reason, the fact that it caused me pain, that she didn't like doing it I wasn't sure of. But I was pretty sure that it was. Because I would catch her looking at me in lessons and she'd quickly go back to talking to Brittany and Santana or writing in her book. I know it wasn't the grandest of gestures, but it was something. A hint of emotion that wasn't hate or repulsion, and even though it made the longing I had for her grow at least she was there. In the same room, the same state as me. At least she was there.
My first year at McKinley wasn't as I thought it would be. I had to make many more decisions than I thought I would. There were a few people there from my school. Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang, Artie Abrams and Dijon...I can't even remember what his last name was. Principle Figgins was amazing. He gave me a map and 'broke it down for me' most pleasantly. And the rest of the teachers were pretty cool too. Except for Coach Sylvester. God I hated that woman. If you could even call her a woman. I made friends almost straight away with Brittany, Mercedes Jones and Kurt Hummel. And I remember feeling sorry for Rachel Berry when she didn't have anyone to sit next to for almost a month. I asked Kurt and Brittany about her but Kurt told me she was like a dog at Christmas, and Brittany told me that she'd never had the pleasure of eating a Rachel Berry and were they nice. That night I went home and was able to tell my parents that I'd made some nice new friends. I just felt sorry for Rachel that she wouldn't be able to do the same.
A few months after the start of the semester a notice came up explaining about an acting, singing and dancing thing called Star Club. Mercedes and Kurt couldn't wait to join and me and Brittant thought it would help us with our cheerleading. Or, at least I thought it did. Brittany just wondered whether she was going to be able to wear something pretty and sparkly like she did at dance class when she was little. It turned out that she didn't but she stayed anyway because Star Club was as good as Mercedes and Kurt predicted it to be. We sung, we danced and we peformed better than the teacher obviously expected us to. The best part was that I was able to talk to Rachel Berry without it being a crime or something that people would judge me for. She was a nice girl, if a little obsessive and talkative. I liked her. A lot more, I started to realise, than I liked Mercedes or Brittany. I was attracted to her, Goddammit. But I didn't let on. We were in the middle of preparing for regionals when it happened. When I was taken away from the girl with long brunette hair and I was never allowed back. And it was all because of Santana freakin' Lopez.
She was tall, she was slim, with dark hair and eyes and, most importantly, she slept around. She was the Queen Bee and what she said went. I remember the day she decided to bully the people in Glee Club. I remember the day she told me and Brittany that we were far too cool, as Cheerios, to want to be in Star Club. I figured it was because she was jealous of the closeness the Star Clubbers shared with each other. So she destroyed it and made me and Brittany her bitches. It reminded me of Mean Girls, with her as Regina, me as Gretchen and Brittany as Karen. She told Puck and Finn that boys in the Club had no chance of getting girlfriends and soon after they left too. They became footballers. As did Matt and Dijon. I knew that Finn was feeling the same way I was about Star; we both missed it a hell of a lot. And we wanted to go back, too. But neither of us could because then we wouldn't be 'cool'. I used to lay awake a night thinking that I was an idiot, I'd call myself a coward for not being like Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes but I didn't go back. I couldn't. So I just stayed in my picture perfect world wishing more than anything that I had the backbone to stand my ground like the remaining ones in the Club.
They were bullied, slushied, thrown in dumpsters and locked in corridors until the teachers let them free. Rachel was in despair, I could see it in her eyes, so were the others, too. But her pain seemed to hurt me more than Mercedes or Kurts. They changed it from Star to Glee Club in a bid to make it more popular. They tried not to let the bullies get to them. She tried not to let me get to her. My taunts. My bullying. Because I had to do it. I'd be cast out if I didn't. Santana'd get rid of me, cut me out. So I had to go through with bullying the people, the girl, I loved everyday. But I told myself it was nothing. It was was nothing but the facts of pissing life. The food fucking chain. And, besides, I had no right to complain. No right at all. Because my pain was nothing, nothing, compared to what I put Rachel through every day. I could see it in her eyes as I threw the slushies in her face, it's too many to count now. I noticed the tremble in her lip as Santana, Brittany and I through her into an empty classroom and locked the door, as we chucked her into the dumpsters outside. But she pushed through it. She was so, so strong I was in awe. I was in awe about how she could do it. How she could face them, me, every day and not utter a word. How she just took it an never retaliated. That, too me, was the most inspiring thing in the world.
Second year of McKinley:
Things got better in the second year of McKinley but not by much. The building didn't seem so daunting and Glee Club got a new teacher. Mr. Schuster. He was a really talented performer and managed to get Finn Hudsen to join the Club. I didn't know how he did it, none of us did. And he still won't tell us till this day but I don't think it was exactly ethical. I don't think he enjoyed it at first but as soon as we did the Journey number, he was completely hooked. He was Quinn's boyfriend at the time of him joining but I didn't think they were happy. I mean, to the untrained eye they probably looked like they were totally and completely in love but I guess I just knew Quinn's features and facial expressions (from the past year of slowly falling in love with her) too well to be fooled. She wasn't happy. Not at all. She was sulky with him and nothing he did ever pleased her. I could tell that he wasn't as loved-up as he appeared to be as well. Whenever they were together they argued over something stupid like whether it smelled like coconuts or not. No, their relationship wasn't healthy.
After a couple of months of Finn being in the Club others started to join too. The Cheerios Quinn, Santana and Brittany. Puck, Matt and Dijon re-joined, too. And a few others did as well but I can't remember their names. I was pretty happy when they all re-joined and many people just assumed it was because Glee Club was getting the fame it deserved and I never contradicted them. The main reason I was happy was because, you guessed it, I got to be near Quinn again. Although she never did let me get close to her. She kept well away. I don't know why, we used to be pretty good friends the first time she was in Glee Club. She made up nicknames for me. The nicest of which were Stubbles and Manhands but I never said anything. I didn't have the fucking backbone to confront her. Even thinking about yelling at her made me feel queesy and guilty. So I kept my distant from her too. It was obviously what she wanted, after all.
About four months into the second year I had a dream. Don't worry, this isn't like Martin Luther King's speech. I mean I just had a plain and simple dream. Quinn was there and she was stood in front of me and I noticed that we were stood on the Empire State building. Then suddenly all of my feeling burst out from within me and I told her my true feelings. I told her how in love with her I was, how I couldn't get to sleep at night without thinking about her and how she was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning. Then she fell. She just shook her head whispered, 'All this time and you never told me when to. You never told me when to say I love you.' and dropped off the side of the building. I screamed and tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck where I was stood and I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, move my feet an inch. I woke up drenched in sweat.
The second year of McKinley didn't go as I'd planned. It started off as Finn asking me out and I said yes without thinking about it: he was a jock, I was a cheerleader. It was meant to be. Santana and Brittany were both jealous of our 'relationship'. They both told me that Finn and I were the sweetest couple they'd ever come across. That our little arguments were really cute and endearing and that they were sure that it was love. The full monty. And that we were going to be together forever. This scared me. It scared me half to death. Because I knew that what they were saying was a load of bullshit. I knew that me and Finn were going to split up someway down the line and that it would be brutal. I knew that I'd probably loose my status at school because I'd broken the cutest guy in schools' heart. But I didn't care. Because I knew it was the right thing to do. Because I was falling inch by inch in love with Rachel fucking Berry. And nothing, not the sweetest lad in the entire world, was going to stop me.
Then Finn joined Glee Club. I was so annoyed. No...annoyed isn't the right word, I was jealous. Jealous because he got to be in the same room as, sing with, talk with, Rachel. Finn picked up on my annoyance and asked me what was wrong. I told him it was because his popularity would go straight down the drain if he joined Glee Club but he didn't care. Singing was his passion, I could tell. I saw it burn deep in his eyes and I wished more than anything to be him at that moment. So, I did the first thing that came to my mind; I followed in his footsteps and joined Glee too. And I'm so glad I did because if I didn't I would have never been able to see Rachel perform as she did in Glee Club. Her skills were amazing, the adrenaline coursing through her, the passion. I could see it in her every movement. Hear it in every note she sang. She had my utmost attention whenever she sang. I never took my eyes from her beautiful face. I can still remember when her eyes used to capture mine when she sang and I felt as if the lyrics were designed for her. Made for her to sing to me. Does that sound stupid? I hope so. Because that's what it was. A stupid feeling. But at that moment in time it was the best feeling in the world.
About four or five months into the school year I had a dream. A dream that Rachel was in. Sure, she was in quite a few of my dreams but this one was different. This one was...disturbing. It started off as me and Puck walking along the usual way towards my house. The forest was on one side, and the houses on the other. I was just about to say something when I saw something out the corner of my eye. Something was flitting between the forests trees. I didn't know what it was but I knew I didn't want to see it. I said to Puck, 'I'm cold. Can we walk faster?' so we sped up. But not quick enough. The thing got us in the end. I don't mean it killed us and it sounds awful to call her a 'thing' and an 'it' but she wasn't a person. Rachel looked like herself but she wasn't. It came and stood in front of us, it's eyes were bloodshot and it's face was pale. It's dark hair was messy and hanging down the sides of Rachel's face without any life in it at all. It had dark circles under it's eyes, so dark they looked like she'd been punched. It looked down at my stomach and a look of disgust flashed across it's face. I looked down too and noticed something I hadn't seen before. It looked like I had a basketball shoved underneath my t-shirt but I knew that wasn't it; I was pregnant. 'You never told me when to say it and now it's too late.' It said in a replicar of Rachel's voice, only it was filled with so much emotion but so empty at the same time. 'You never told me when to say I love you.' Puck had disappeared from my side and it was just me and Rachel. And I watched as she drew a knife from her pocket and slashed it across her wrist. I cried out in pain but she didn't make a sound. I watched without moving, unable to move, as she pulled the knife across her wrists again and again until she slumped onto the floor and the life slowly ebbed out of her. And I didn't do anything to help her.
Third year of McKinley:
I thought that my suicide note would contain something for my fathers and something for my friends. Actually, I never thought I'd write a suicide note in my life. And I certainly never thought I'd write three. But life doesn't always turn out the way you want.
The first one I left in Santana's locker. It read:
You won. Congratulations.
The second one I left in my dads' room. It read:
Dad, Daddy. You gave me everything a girl could wish for. But, unfortunately, the one thing I wanted more than anything was something you couldn't get me even if you tried. And I didn't try hard enough to fight for it. I just turns out that that thing is the end of me.
I'm so sorry.
The third one I posted in the letterbox with Quinn's address on the front. It read:
I can't do this. I can't sit around like I have done the past two years and watch that...that thing grow inside of you. I just can't. Don't feel guilty. I'd hate myself even more if I made you feel guilty and like this is your fault. It isn't. This is my decision and my life. I'm just sad it ended this way. I'm just sad I never got chance to tell you. I'm just sad. Just sad.
You never told me to say this and I never expected you to.
You never told me when to say I love you.
But I do.
More than anything in this life.
I LOVE YOU!
Please keep going, Quinn.
Please.
For the baby.
For your family.
For me.
I never expected falling to feel like it did. I didn't expect it to feel euphoric and wonderful. That fact that I was without a harness didn't scared me, the fact that when I hit the ground everything would go black and I wouldn't get up again didn't frighten me. It didn't make me feel anything but a little excited and a little nervous. Like before you go on a rollercoaster at Disney Land. When you know that you don't want to go on it because of the waiting and the tension but you also know that when you get on it it will be amazing and the wait won't matter to you anymore. None of it will matter anymore.
I didn't really give any thought to what I wanted my last thoughts to be of. An 'I love you' for my dads? Lyrics of a song? An 'Oh my God I'm going to die' for myself? I hadn't given it any thought. I guess I just hoped that my last thought would be a happy one.
And when it came down to it. It was. I realised within a few moments of my death that I had actually never said it. I'd written and I'd thought it but I'd never said it. I'd never said to her 'I love you'.
So I did. 'I love you, Quinn.' was all I had time for. And then everything went black.
A/N: So...depressed yet? I'd really like to know your thoughts on it so if you could comment that'd be good. Please don't tell me I bummed you out too much. And if there are ways in which I could improve those comments would be appreciated too. Thanks.