Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

Director Jenny Shepard was staring out through the window in her office, without actually seeing the Navy Yard outside, and that had nothing to do with the fact that it was late at night, putting the surroundings in darkness. She was lost in thoughts and memories. Sometimes she'd wonder whether all this was necessary, all her reserve and strict rules of keeping her secrets to herself. Sometimes she'd wonder what she was afraid of, why she feared to let others get to know her, why she feared to have someone close. Fear of getting hurt? It was possible. She was indeed used to taking chances, it was more than necessery in her line of work. Then why was she so bad a socializing outside the office? When she thought about it, no one exactly knew her very well, except for a certain Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left

She had never exactly been pouring her heart put to him, but after spending a considerable amount of time together, he'd realize things about her. He understood her, he was good at reading her, knowing how she felt and how she would act in specific situations. No one knew her like he did.

As Jenny rememebered her time together with Gibbs, she forced heself to step away from the window. She walked across the room, finally reaching the bar cabinett. She absentmindedly poured herself a drink and went to sit down on the leather couch in the corner of her office. With her drink in a steady grip, she glanced around the neat room. She was surely proud of everything she had achived, but everyone needed a break sometime, and she hadn't taken one in a very long time. Jenny bent down to take off her high-heeled shoes, and gave up a low moan with pleasure as she put her bare-foot feet back down on the soft carpet. It took a serious toll on her feet having to wear these damned shoes all days long. But as Director, she wasn't exactly prone to walk around in sneakers all day.

So much was expected of her, being the first female Director of an armed federal agency forced her to keep up to the standards, not to mention keeping her head cold. But she wouldn't be here if someone hadn't thought she couldn't make it. But sometimes, the feelings of wanting to escape grew stronger, and she didn't know what made her stay when she felt like she only lived to work. A name and the picture of a silver-haired man suddenly floated into her mind. She shook him away. He was not the reason she stayed, he couldn't be. Though she knew him as well as he knew her, she would feel so embarrassed and exposed if she came clean to him that her feelings for him, those long forgotten feelings, maybe weren't so forgotten after all.

Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,

Secrets. A rule she had learned long ago floated into her mind. The best way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself. Second best, tell one other person, if you must. There is no third best. She always followed that rule, as well as many others he had taught her, but this one specificly as she had always been one for secrets. Now at least she had an excuse for her secretive behaviour. But not all things needed to be hidden. Suppressing feelings didn't make them go away. Never giving voice to her romantic feelings didn't assure her he felt the same way. Denying the fact that some things shouldn't just be thrown aside, didn't make them any less real.

You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

Jenny sipped from her glass, when her cell phone suddenly started to ring. The sudden noise breaking through the silence nearly made her drop her glass in shock. She closed her eyes for a second before she carefully put down the glass on the table, then she slowly rose to her feet and unhurriedly walked bare-foot over to her desk where the phone laid. She looked at the caller-id before answering, and raised her eyebrows as she saw who was calling her at this hour.

"Jethro?" she said in disbelief, as if she almost didn't believe it was actually him.

"Jen," came the answer in Gibbs' voice. She thought he sounded amused, but chose not to comment.

"Is there some sort of problem?" she asked instead and frowned to herself. Last time he had called her late at night, it had been because he needed a partner for the night, for back-up.

"No. Can't I just call you without any specific reason?" Jenny closed her eyes as he said that, felt her cheeks blush as she for even a second allowed herself to feel flattered. Turning back toward the windows, looking out into the darkness, she struggled to find words appropriate to speak. Her mouth opened, but as her mind still not had managed to figure out something to say, she slowly shut it again. Gibbs didn't speak either, but she could hear his breathing, assuring her he was still there.

"Jen?" he said after a long silence "You awake?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, of course I am," she blurted out awkwardly as she heard him laugh. She felt the most strange urge to laugh herself, but managed to hold it in and smiled instead, letting the warmth of his laughter fill her up inside. Her heart had been beating steadily, but now it was pounding hard in her chest, increasing her pulse, and for some reason making her weak.

"You didn't call just for nothing," she stated once his laughter had ceased, but her heart kept on pounding furiously. Her voice had been low, hoarse.

"I guess not," he answered "I could say that I was just wondering how you were doing."

"Which I wouldn't believe." Jenny replied, thinking that it hadn't been many hours since they had last seen each other.

"Ok," he laughed again. Then his voice became more sincere as he said "How about I just wanted to hear your voice?"

Whatever she had expected him to say, it wasn't this. Her reply got caught in her throat and in her mind she turned this into something she knew it wasn't, and knew could never be.

"Jethro-" she said weakly, not able to control her mouth. She wasn't sure how to react, but she didn't want to say anything rushed, just in case his mind wasn't going the way hers was. Though she knew, there was noting she'd rather do right now than to drive down to his place, spend the night there, she couldn't. He was playing with her emotions, making her feel so free; free to love him and let him love her. But as he did, she forced herself to remember her position, remember that she as Director couldn't be screwing around with her agents.

"Jen," he said back "I'm quite serious"

Jenny closed her eyes and wished this was not happening, that it was all just a dream. But as she opened her eyes, she was still standing by the window, holding the phone to her ear, listening to Gibbs' calm breathing. She didn't reply, she couldn't. Not without telling him how difficult this was for her, because her feelings were far from forgotten.

"What are you doing in your office at this hour?" he asked, causing her to twitch unwillingly. She could not understand how he knew she was here, she'd assumed he thought she was at home.

"How do you know where I am? Been spying on me, Jethro?" she was shocked to find the words came in a light, slightly amused tone of voice. She could hear him chuckle.

"Guilty," he confessed and she let a laugh slip over her lips. Then, more seriously, he added "I know you, Jen"

Yes, she knew that. And he was the only one.

"Don't tell me you're sitting on the hood of your car outside my office window" she said softly, searching the streets beneath her with her eyes, half-expecting to see him underneath a street.-light, staring up at her and waving.

"Nope, I'm not"

Jenny frowned "Then where are you?" She closed her eyes and smiled as she heard the door to her office open behind her.

"I'm behind you" he answered, and he disconnected the call. Jenny also took her phone off her ear and turned around to face him.

"So, how long have you been hiding outside my office?" she asked softly and gently placed her cell back onto her desk.

"Not for long" he answered shortly and took a few more steps into the room, leaving the door open.

"What are you doing here?" she wondered quietly and took her eyes off him. It had been so much easier to talk to him on the phone, instead of having to face him. His presence alone caused her to feel warm, which surely wasn't a bad thing, but she was worried what else there might be to it.

"Nothing. Just came by to... say good night" Surely she didn't believe that, but she didn't want to push the truth out of him, it might be more than she could take.

"Right" she replied, nowhere near convinced that was what he truly wanted.

"But, more importantly, what are you doing here this late, Jen?" he asked and pulled out a chair to sit down. Jenny took her own seat at her desk as she carefully studied him and leaned back in her chair.

"Don't know. Thinking, I guess" she confessed

"About what?"

Jenny cleared her throat, tilted her head to her right and stared at him with such intensity that it caused most people look away. But Leroy Jethro Gibbs wasn't most people. He calmly stared back at her, still waiting for her to answer him. Though Jenny had learned long ago this trick didn't work on him, it didn't hurt to try. She looked away, she was not going to answer him. There was no need for him to know.

Gibbs didn't push her, didn't ask her again. He knew her too well, knew she kept secrets, even from him. He rose to his feet again and pushed the chair back to where he had taken it.

"I can walk you to your car," he offered, causing her to look up at him again. Then she shook her head.

"No, thanks," As she met his gaze, she found he was smiling.

"I knew you'd say that," he replied rather softly, almost sadly, making his smile appear more of a mask to conceal his true emotions. Maybe it was. Who knew what feelings were hiding behind those bright blue eyes of his. Only him, and if she knew him correctly, he was not intending on sharing them with anyone, not even her.

Gibbs turned and began walking back toward the door when she didn't say anything. Jenny realized the importancy of the moment, and hurriedly called his name, causing him to turn back toward her with a curious look on his face.

"Jethro, I -" she trailed off, she had been on the verge of saying 'I still love you', then she'd realized how stupid it would be to do that. She tried to find the right words to describe her emotions, without telling him too much.

"I haven't forgotten," she told him instead, not knowing if he would understand or not.

But Gibbs smiled, a sincere, knowing smile as he replied "I know, me neither, Jen. Me neither" Jenny was convinced he knew exactly what she meant, and his soft reply was as soothing and meaningful to her as if he had kissed her.

Jenny smiled too as their eyes locked together, in his eyes she detected longing, and understanding.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked, breaking the silence. Gibbs placed his hand on the door knob.

"Good night, Jen" he said softly glancing back at her.

"Night Jethro" she looked down and closed her eyes as the door shut behind him. For several minutes she sat there, thinking about him, and what they once had.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

She was pulled from her thoughts by the ringing of her cell phone. "What now?" she answered, slightly amused. A smile played on her lips as he heard him laugh on the other end.

"Just calling to answer your question" Gibbs replied

"Ok. What are you thinking about?" Jenny repeated her question and waited in suspence to hear his answer.

"Paris" he said "I'm thinking about Paris"

"Me too" she confessed "And, frankly, I wish it never ended"

"I know what you mean. Nothing is forgotten, nothing has changed" Jenny knew he was talking about his feelings, letting her know how he felt without actually telling her the true words. But she wanted it this way. It was more of an offer, him letting her know they could go back to what they had been. But she couldn't, much as she wanted to, she couldn't.

"I won't forget" she replied quietly.

"Well, good night then, Jen" he didn't sound sad at her answer, she had a feeling he respected her choice, that it was for the best. For now, at least.

"Yeah, good night, Jethro" she said softly and hung up. As she stood looking out through the window, she spotted a car driving by. It blinked its lights at her, and she knew it was Gibbs. Then he was gone.

But Jenny was smiling as she suddenly realized he was the reason she kept going. Just to see him. Though she was, she admitted to herself, still in love with him, she knew they couldn't get involved with each other. But to come here every day, to see him, to hear his voice, was enough to make her wanna go on. And her fear of getting close to others, now a simple answer. She still loved Gibbs, and no one would ever be able to replace him. She would never forget what they once had, never forget her feelings. Maybe, some day, her feelings would be too much for her to hold in. And she knew he was waiting.

I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

A/N: The idea to this little fic just sort of popped into my head. The lyrics I used is 'October' by Evanescence.

Did you like it? Yes? No? Please leave me a review! Thanks for reading!

Xxx

Emma