It was one of the strangest nights of Remus Lupin's life. Dumbledore was dead, and Lupin knew he should have spent that night with the rest of the Order, reminiscing and making urgent plans for the future. He had given in to his own selfish needs instead. For that had been the night that Nymphadora Tonks had declared her love for him once again, and this time he had been powerless to resist.

Lupin knew he was too old for Tonks. He knew he should not be burdening her with his lycanthropy. He knew he was too damaged for a girl like Tonks, that he could never give himself entirely to her. That not a day went by without him thinking about Sirius Black. He hoped that one day he would fall for Tonks, stop thinking about her cousin. It had been almost a year now, three hundred and thirty eight days to be exact. Each day, Lupin thought of what they could have been doing together, had Sirius survived. By now, they surely would have told the Order about their relationship. Everyone would have been surprised, but accepted the fact that the old friends were lovers. Sometimes Lupin imagined the individual reactions: Harry would have been initially angry–he always reacted with anger to a shock–but he would have given them his blessing eventually. Dumbledore would have smiled knowingly and congratulated them. Snape may have taunted the lovers, but his opinion meant nothing to Lupin.

That was not to be. Sirius had died, and Lupin did not think he would ever find love like that again.

Lupin knew he should not be taking advantage of a woman fifteen years his junior, a girl who was in the first flushes of her first love. He would not hurt her. He would hold her, kiss her, enjoy her company until the day he died. She would never know of his secret torment, and she would feel loved. Lupin would build his new life around this woman: he would never be lonely and there would never be a dull moment with Nymphadora Tonks around. Though he felt guilty at the thought, Lupin acknowledged that a man would be mad to deny the chance of making love to a young, lithe beauty who could change her face at will!

Perhaps, then, it was passion and desire that had driven Lupin into Tonks's willing arms. From Hogsmeade, they had Apparated to the house in which Tonks had grown up.

"Shh, my parents are sleeping," she whispered to Lupin as she let herself in through the back door. They were barely inside the kitchen when she threw her arms around Lupin and pressed her lips to his. It was an imperfect kiss, but full of passion. Lupin could feel her desire and in return felt his own mounting. Her waist was slender and her breasts pressed against him. "I'll show you my bedroom," Tonks said, grinning widely.

The room was small, and strewn with artefacts from Tonks's life. Some childhood toys, a poster of Dragonz, the wizard boyband, defaced with moustaches and devil horns. Lupin did not pay too much heed to his surroundings: he was gazing intently at the stunning witch undressing by the bed. He walked to her, as if in a trance. The pair fell to the bed, almost fully clothed and frantically made physical the longing they had both felt.

It was fast and almost desperate, a mass of writhing, shuddering limbs. The feeling took hold and for a few blissful minutes Lupin quite forgot Sirius, forgot his past and could only think of Tonks.

The couple fell asleep to whispered confessions of love, tangled together, satiated and satisfied.

That night Lupin dreamed of Sirius.

Morning dawned, and Lupin awoke to the sleeping face of Tonks, her hair short and purple. She looked so young, almost childlike. A slight smile played across her lips as though she were having a beautiful dream. Lupin did not want to move, he felt that waking her would ruin this moment, spoil her slumber while she looked so happy. If Lupin could not completely give himself to Tonks, he would make sure that all her sweet dreams came true, her every wish would be granted.

She stirred eventually. "Morning, gorgeous," she murmured.

"Sleep well?" Lupin enquired.

A sleepy noise of affirmation. Lupin kissed her forehead and rose from the bed.

"I'll be back with you very soon," he assured. "By the way, which way is your bathroom?"

"Can't we stay in bed a bit longer?"

Lupin winced. "I desperately need the loo. I'll be back in bed before you know it." He blew a kiss, then found the first door on the left.

He had not really come to use the facilities. Instead he withdrew from the breast pocket of his robes a piece of Sirius that he carried with him always. Lupin had few possessions, fewer still that he insisted on keeping close to himself. It was a note he had received more than two years ago. Though he had read it a thousand times, he read it once again:

Moony,

I knows this sounds really–well–gay, but I love you. I think I have loved you since we were at Hogwarts. I needed to get it off my chest, it was driving me mad not telling you. As I will probably be in hiding forever, I suppose it doesn't really matter if you think I'm mad. If you feel the same way or even still want to know me, use a different owl to send me a letter. I hope to hear from you, Moony, so much.

-Padfoot

Lupin had responded immediately, gushing out everything he had felt for Sirius in the many years they had known one another. One week later, Sirius returned and the two became lovers. Nobody had ever known about what they had shared, and nobody ever would. Lupin kissed the name Padfoot, sighed deeply then folded the dogeared paper and placed it gently back in his pocket. He supposed he might as well urinate as well, while he was in the bathroom.

His cock felt strange in his hand. He remembered vividly now that he and Tonks had made love and–Lupin cursed himself–not used protection. He felt as though his insides were squirming Flobberworms. Nothing to do about it, he told himself firmly, trying to find a semblance of calm, just hope for the best.

"Remus, have you fallen down the bog or something?" came Tonks's voice from outside the door. He wondered how long he had been in there, thinking of Sirius, thinking of the impending disaster – that might not happen, he reminded himself sharply.

"Sorry," he replied sheepishly, coming out of the bathroom.

"It's OK. My mum's cooking breakfast at the moment, will you come down with me?" She studied Lupin's panicked expression, and misread it completely. "Don't be nervous, they'll be happy for us. My parents both know how I feel about you."

Lupin took Tonks's hand and together they descended the stairs to the smell of bacon.

Over the next few weeks, Lupin's anxiety faded, as it must. Every day that went by the feeling of impending doom lessened. At any rate, he and Tonks were too busy to fret about much; there was work to be done, more than ever. There were funerals to attend. Every moment of free time Lupin passed with Tonks. Every minute in her company, Lupin liked her more and became all the more determined that she should never be hurt or used.

There were times when he looked at her face and saw Sirius. Her eyes were the same shade of grey as Sirius's. Sometimes he would see Sirius's eyes turn to brown, or purple or, once, an eye-burning kaleidoscopic effect.

"Which colour do you like best?" Tonks would joke. Lupin would reply,

"Your natural colour. You don't need to mess about, because I think they're beautiful." Tonks would blush and smile, get flustered by his compliments and knock over the nearest object.

The first time he had met Tonks's mother, he had thought for a horrible second she was Sirius's killer and been thoroughly prepared to pull out his wand and murder her.

"It's not the first time I've been mistaken for my cousin," Andromeda Tonks had laughed. "I'm the nasty blood traitor of the family." Lupin had warmed to her after that. She was, after all, Sirius's favourite cousin.

Try as he might, Lupin could not stop thinking about Sirius. He lay awake at night in Tonks's arms, thinking about Sirius. Wondering if Sirius would approve of what he was doing, of him trying to move on? At those times, he would think of what he would say if he could somehow get word to Sirius. You weren't there anymore, I was lonely, I miss you so much. I must try to live, even though you are not by my side. He felt guilty, disgusted in himself, as he lay with Tonks and thought of his old love. Sirius would want him to move on, he knew, but Lupin felt that could never happen.

Three weeks after the night they had sworn their love, Tonks returned from a day in London with a strange look on her face.

"Remus, do you love me?" she asked, gazing at him intently, the way Sirius had.

"Of course I do," Lupin said gently.

"You love me no matter what?" she continued, her eyes growing slightly wild. "You love me forever?"

"Yes, yes I do." It was not exactly a lie. Lupin supposed he would one day grow to love Tonks in a fashion, and it would be forever.

"Good," Tonks sighed. "Very good. I went to the Healer today-" Lupin knew now what was coming and the writhing Flobberworms returned. "-I was a bit late with my–you know. That first night together we weren't careful. We're having a baby."

It is strange how words, strung together, can change everything. Sirius's letter was just words on a page, yet had started the best year of Lupin's life. It had also been an indirect catalyst for the worst year of Lupin's life. And now Lupin felt himself speaking words, words which felt as though they had no meaning, but to Tonks meant everything in the world.

"Marry me," he said.