Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warnings: I think the idea's funny. But, I understand that it could be looked at as offensive, so please excuse the gratuitous use of the clinical term used for male genitalia. Also, I apologize if it seems to run on too long, but I couldn't think of how to end it, which consequently explains the lame ending. Now then:
"Thank God for Chili Fries."
"Hey Anzu?" Jonouchi asked, breaking the suspicious lull in conversation.
Anzu had noticed that the guys, sans Yuugi, had been acting strange nearly all day. Since they'd all gotten out of gym at school, there seemed to be some curious nervous energy in the air surrounding them. Some jock had apparently poured his soda over Yuugi's head during class, and she'd had to wait for them all outside the boy's locker room while they got dressed and Yuugi took a shower. Even after she, Yuugi, Jonouchi, Honda, and unusually, Otogi and Bakura, had arrived at Yuugi's house to play some games under the guise of studying, they were still acting weird. She wanted to know what was going on.
Throughout the day they'd each been sending Yuugi peculiar looks, and seemed uncomfortable around him, as if he had some contagious virus. Luckily, Yuugi's Grandpa had to run to the store to get some indigestion tablets, leaving Yuugi in charge behind the counter in the shop downstairs, affording Anzu the perfect opportunity to get to the bottom of her friend's abnormal behavior. Fortunately, it seemed that Jonouchi would broach the subject himself.
"Yeah?" She asked, noticing four pairs of eyes swivel to her in anticipation of something. They were all lounged about in Yuugi's bedroom, she in Yuugi's desk chair, Jonouchi, Honda, and Otogi sitting on the bed, with Bakura sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of it. All of them were staring at her, and it was unnerving.
"Eh, don't get mad or nothing, but..... can I ask you a question?" Jonouchi continued, an out-of-place pink tingeing his cheeks. I seemed the other boys were holding their breaths awaiting her answer. What the heck was going on?
"What kind of question?" She replied, her eyes narrowing in suspicion when she noticed all four boys glance at each other as if they possessed some secret knowledge. "Is it perverted?" She accused, remembering some of Jonouchi's past inquiries.
"Well, not really, I mean, it's not meant in that way...." Honda injected, trying to spare his blond friend of Anzu's distrustful glare.
"It's really more of an intellectual curiosity, a statistical question of possibility, if you will." Bakura commented, a thoughtful, expression on his face. "Because, really, what are the odds?"
"Well, I've heard of stuff like that, but I've never actually seen anyone like that before. I mean, if it were any one else, it would be funny, but......." Otogi trailed off, shaking his head.
Anzu's eyes shifted from Jonouchi's sheepish blushing face to Honda's slightly frowning downcast face, to Otogi's wide-eyed awed expression, to Bakura's pensive somber expression.
"Okay, what the heck are you talking about?!" Anzu exclaimed, thoroughly weirded-out by their behavior.
After a brief moment of silence, Jonouchi looked her straight in the eyes. "Anzu."
"Yes...?" The tension in the air was so thick, she wouldn't be surprised if Yuugi could feel it from downstairs.
"Have you ever seen Yuugi naked?"
For a few seconds, she was in complete shock. Once what he had asked sunk in, she waited a few more seconds for them to all burst out laughing. But they didn't. They were all still staring at her, waiting for her to reply. She could feel the blood rushing to her face in embarrassment.
"What?! No! What kind of-- why would you ask me that?!" She yelled as she stood up from Yuugi's chair, angry that they'd had the audacity to go so low to get a reaction from her.
Bakura held a finger up to his lips and shushed her, as Jonouchi jumped across the bed and ran to the door to make sure it was shut completely. Honda had his hands held up in front of him in a defensive posture, while Otogi got up from the bed, and put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.
"Hey, relax, we're not trying to make you mad. This is serious." The green-eyed boy whispered motioning for her to sit back down. She did, but continued to glare so intensely at them, Bakura was slightly afraid for his safety. Only after everyone was resettled, and it was clear Yuugi wasn't going to come running up the stairs to ask why Anzu had shouted, did anyone dare to speak again.
"That's not funny. I know how you like to get a rise out of me, but that's just disgusting. How do you think Yuugi would feel if he knew-" Anzu's quiet admonishment was cut short as Jonouchi held up a hand.
"You don't understand. We aren't messing with you. It's just....." Jonouchi had a pained expression on his face, as if he were afraid that what was about to say would hurt him.
Honda put a hand on Jonouchi's shoulder and turned to Anzu. "We did."
"Today." Otogi added, shaking his head again.
"When he got out of the shower." Bakura chimed in, lacing his fingers together in his lap.
A moment of silence. Then- "Did what?" Anzu asked, beginning to get genuinely worried by their no-nonsense behavior.
Jonouchi's head shot up so fast, his neck popped. He glared at her, his face as red as a tomato. "We saw him naked!" He whispered harshly.
Time stopped as the boys waited for Anzu's response. They looked so grave and solemn, she couldn't help it. She giggled. When their eyes widened as one in surprise, she burst out laughing. When she calmed down enough to wipe a tear from her eye and look at the boys again, she realized they were all glaring at her darkly.
"What?!" She asked, trying and failing to keep the grin off her face.
"It's not funny." Honda stated, his mouth set in a grim line.
"What's the big deal?! You're guys. Yuugi's a guy too. You mean to tell me you've never seen him naked?"
"No. Not until today." Otogi said snottily, still glaring a hole through her head.
"Well, exuuuuse me. I'm sorry if it's wrong to find it funny that you guys are so freaked out over seeing Yuugi naked." Anzu smirked, a mischievous glint in her blue eyes. "You don't feel insecure in your masculinity, do you?" She teased.
"No." Jonouchi snapped.
"Of course not." Otogi growled.
"No way." Honda exclaimed.
"Most definitely."
The other three boys now turned their glares on Bakura, and Jonouchi smacked him in the back of the head.
"What? I'm not going to lie to her." Bakura turned to the other boys, rubbing the back of his head. "And you shouldn't lie either. We wouldn't be acting this way if we didn't feel threatened."
Anzu frowned. "You feel threatened by Yuugi?"
Jonouchi sighed, and braced his hands against his knees. "Look, Anzu, there's a reason why we asked if you'd ever seen Yuugi naked." He was studying the tops of his sneakers as if they had the answers to next weeks Algebra exam on them. "Ya see, we, uh..... well, if you had seen it and, uh, weren't bothered by it, well then......" He looked at the other boys. "But she hasn't seen it, so....." He trailed off, his face once again on fire.
Anzu gasped. "So wait.... are you saying...." The boys watched her, hoping she would say what they couldn't. "Are you saying that you guys think you might be... gay?"
Complete and utter silence followed her question.
"NO!" Jonouchi yelled, startling everyone. "Why would you think that?!" He shot up, breathing heavily as he towered over Anzu in her seat. Honda pulled him back down to sit on the bed, as Anzu stared wide-eyed at him.
Jonouchi yelled, startling everyone. He shot up, breathing heavily as he towered over Anzu in her seat. Honda pulled him back down to sit on the bed, as Anzu stared wide-eyed at him."Okay. Sorry. But I don't get what the big deal is. Why are you guys freaking out over this so badly?" She asked, astonished at the way Jonouchi was acting.
Otogi studied her. "You really haven't figured it out by now?"
Anzu shook her head.
"Yuugi is a bit..... abnormal." Bakura said, the blush on his cheeks easily distinguished on his normally pale face.
Anzu laughed, breaking some of the tension in the room since Jonouchi's outburst.
"Well, yeah. But what's that got to do with seeing him naked?"
"You cannot be this dumb. Anzu, come on!" Jonouchi implored, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
Anzu's eyes narrowed. "Hey, I'm not dumb. Just because you've come to question your sexual orientation doesn't mean I-"
"I am not questioning my sexual orientation!" Jonouchi bellowed, throwing his arms into the air.
"Stop yelling at me! You're being a jerk!" Anzu shouted, her face red and her eyes flashing.
"You stop being so dense, and I'll stop yelling at you!" Jonouchi shouted back, ignoring Honda as he scrambled to cover his mouth with his hands.
Bakura realized at this point that things were starting to get out of hand, and felt the initiative to get things back under control before Yuugi came up, found out what they were arguing about, kicked them out, and never spoke to any of them ever again.
"Anzu. Jonouchi." The calm but commanding tone in his voice immediately gained him the attention of everyone in the room. "Both of you, please calm down. Otogi. Please explain to Anzu why we've been acting so unusually." Bakura suggested, not moving from his place on the floor.
"What?! Why do I have to be the one to-" Otogi whined.
"Just. Do. It." Honda growled, shooting Otogi a nasty look.
Otogi sighed, rolled his eyes, and turned to look at Anzu. "Fine. The reason we're acting this way is because we found out earlier today that Yuugi is hung like a horse."
Anzu choked.
Otogi turned to glare at the other three boys. "There. I said it. Happy now?"
"You didn't have to be quite so... blunt." Bakura murmured.
Suddenly, Jonouchi laughed. He was looking at Anzu, who even though she was as red as a fire truck, wore an unreadable expression on her face.
"What are you thinking now that you know the truth?" Jonouchi asked her, a wicked grin on his face.
"I'm thinking.... that I really didn't want to know that." She replied, deadpan.
"Well, we didn't either! He walked out of the shower, and it only took him a few seconds to get the towel on, but it was hard to miss!" Honda confessed his eyes wide.
"Difficult! Difficult to miss! It wasn't hard!" Jonouchi declared, waving his arms emphatically.
"Oh my gawd, shut up Jonouchi!" Anzu snapped, turning even redder as she looked away from the boys in embarrassment.
"What bothers me about the situation is the ratio of it all." Bakura pondered aloud, holding a finger to his chin.
"You mean cause Yuugi's so short?" Otogi asked, crossing his legs on the bed.
"Exactly. Yuugi's only five feet tall. That means that his-" Bakura looked at the wide-eyed girl sitting across from them at the desk, and coughed. "Ehem, well...."
"That means his piece is about as long as a fifth of his body." Jonouchi announced, his eyebrows raised.
"Oh, of course, now you can do math!" Anzu exclaimed, clearly uncomfortable with the way the conversation was heading.
"Can you imagine that?! How can he wear leather so often? I heard it was uncomfortable on your schlong cause of the chafing." Honda contemplated, running a hand over his spike shaped hair.
"That's it, I'm leaving." Anzu stated, rising from her chair and reaching for her book bag by the door.
"Wait, Anzu, Yuugi will think something's wrong if you leave now." Bakura said, his brown puppy dog eyes begging her to stay.
"Something is wrong, Bakura. You guys are completely overreacting about.... Yuugi." Anzu replied, stopping at Yuugi's yellow bedroom door and leaning against it.
"You weren't there Anzu. You didn't see it. It can't be normal." Otogi attested, shaking his head.
"Oh, so you're really only worried about his health, and this isn't some creepy machismo thing about how Yuugi's thing is bigger than yours?" She asked sarcastically, with a smirk.
"No! It's not that. And.... and no one said anything about his being bigger....." Jonouchi muttered, but his words only caused Anzu's smug grin to widen.
"Right."
Jonouchi mumbled something under his breath with a sullen expression on his face.
"That's okay. Yuugi's a very special person. I guess I just wasn't aware how special." Anzu teased, clearly trying to irritate Jonouchi.
"Aww come on Anzu, that's not fair. You chicks don't understand the pressure of being a man." Honda interjected, feeling slightly self-conscious.
"That's a bit sexist." Bakura stated, as if thinking aloud.
"That's true. You dudes don't understand the pressure of being a woman, either." Anzu said as she walked back over to her previous spot at Yuugi's desk, and took a seat in his chair.
"You don't get it Anzu, guys do have it worse. Girls don't have to worry about whether or not they'll be judged by the size of the thing between their legs." Otogi clarified, managing to sound unaffected by his admission.
Jonouchi shot a disgruntled look at him. "You idiot, girls don't have anything down there to judge in the first place."
"I know that! That's my point exactly." Otogi replied, rolling his eyes at the blond.
"No, instead women are sexually objectified in every other way possible. By the media, movies, television, literature, even the individual mind of man. And since we live in a male ruled society, no change can ever be accomplished unless it comes from within, which it won't, because men only think with the head that's not attached to their neck. It's disgusting." Bakura said, a surprising amount of passion in his speech.
The guys stared at him. Anzu graced him with a brilliant smile.
"Pshht. You're worse than Yuugi used to be, Bakura. What kind of man are you to say crap like that?" Jonouchi grumbled, cracking his knuckles.
"I think it's fantastic that Bakura takes such an interest in women's rights. It's so rare in this day and age to find a guy who actually uses the brain in his head." Anzu gushed, smiling at Bakura.
"Oh please, he's just saying that to get girls." Honda sneered. "He's gotta compensate somehow, if you know what I mean..."
Bakura chuckled. "Perhaps, but unlike the rest of you I'm only slightly 'intimidated' by Yuugi..." He smirked, with a very un-Bakura like glint in his eyes.
"What the hell does that mean?" Otogi asked, feeling oddly inferior once again.
"It means he has a bigger thing than you guys." Anzu replied, then immediately covered her own mouth with her hand in surprise.
Frustrated that it seemed everyone but him had an advantage with the ladies, Joey decided Anzu needed to be humiliated a bit herself. "It's not a thing, it's called a penis!"
Dead silence.
"Well, it is. If you can think it, you can say it. Peeeniiiiissss....." Jonouchi hissed, obviously trying to rile Anzu.
Unfortunately for her, Honda caught on. "He's right, Anzu. It's just a word. Repeat after me: Peeeeniiiiss."
"Cut it out you guys." Anzu pleaded, flushing in embarrassment.
"What's wrong, can't say it? What, are you chicken?" Otogi taunted. "Say penis."
"No!" Anzu growled, fidgeting in her seat with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Come on, guys, isn't that a little inappropriate?" Bakura asked, trying to rescue Anzu. The white haired boy could swear he heard the front door slam from downstairs.
"This whole conversation has been inappropriate, and she participated in it, so it's only fair. Now. Say. Penis." Jonouchi commanded, pointing at Anzu and standing.
"Why?" Anzu demanded, trying to reason with them.
"To prove you're not a wimp. So say penis." Honda interjected, raising his eyebrows, as he stood up next to Jonouchi.
"Yeah. It's just a word. Say penis." Otogi suggested, eagerly joining the other two boys as they towered over Anzu, pestering her.
Bakura only sighed and shook his head from his position on the floor. This was a battle Anzu would have to fight on her own.
"I'm not going to say it."
"Say penis."
"No."
"Just say penis and we'll drop it."
"No way."
"Say penis!"
"No!"
"Say penis!"
"I said no!"
"Just say penis!"
Unfortunately, while Bakura was aware that Yuugi's Grandfather was back home, and Yuugi could come into the room at any time, the other four had no idea, and wouldn't be able to hear Yuugi's footsteps over their arguing. Bakura leaned his head back against the bed and closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable awkward confrontation.
"Leave me alone, I'm not gonna say it!"
"Say penis!"
"No!" "Say penis!" All three boys yelled at once, just as Yuugi opened his bedroom door and walked in.
"N-....oh...." Anzu began to yell back, when she noticed to large purple eyes watching them in disbelief.
"Err.... what are you guys talking about?" Yuugi asked timidly, his eyes darting between them as the three boys turned around to face him.
"Certainly not penises." Bakura muttered under his breath.
"Uhm, nothing important, Yuugi." Anzu replied, her face as red as Otogi's vest.
"So, uh, Gramps back yet?" Jonouchi asked sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.
"He get his, ah, stomach pills or whatever?" Honda inquired, staring intently at the wall above Yuugi's left shoulder.
Yuugi was still a little unsure about what was going on with his friends, but in his typical Yuugi way, pushed it out of his mind and smiled brightly at them.
"Yeah, he got them. He's sorry he took so long, but he stopped at a drive-through to make it up to us."
Jonouchi's eyes lit up, and his mouth started watering. "What'd he get? Burgers? Pizza? Mexican? Chinese?" The other two boys leaned in towards Yuugi in anticipation as Anzu and Bakura rolled their eyes at them.
"Nope. Foot-longs." Yuugi was flabbergasted as he watched all the color drain from his friend's faces as if he'd just announced he was trading in his duel disk for a basketball in the hopes of going pro.
"W-what's wrong? He got chili fries too, if you don't like foot-longs." Yuugi had a hopelessly confused look on his face, as he was not used to Jonouchi and Honda seeming to be repulsed by the idea of free food.
"You know what, Yuugi, foot-longs sound great. Only kind of hotdog I like, in fact." Anzu said, with a mysterious little smile on her face and some strange undertone in her voice. And if Yuugi didn't know any better, he could swear everyone else was glaring at her.
"Oh, okay, great. Grandpa has everything in the kitchen downstairs."
"I'm not hungry." Jonouchi stated, sounding pained.
"Me neither." Honda added, grimacing.
"Nor me." Otogi grunted, frowning.
Now Yuugi was positive something was wrong. Those three would never refuse food. "Okay. What's going on?" He asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.
Bakura stood up from the floor, stretched, and attempted to salvage a situation that could possibly turn into a fiasco. "Anzu and I just happened to explain to them several minutes ago what hotdogs are made of. It will probably be a while before they go near one again."
"Give it a week." Anzu chimed in, flashing a disarming smile at Yuugi.
When no one objected to that explanation, Yuugi shrugged, and motioned for them all to come downstairs. "Well, you three can have all the chili fries, and Anzu, Bakura, Grandpa, and I will take the foot-longs. Hurry up before it all gets cold."
He turned to leave the room, and as the rest followed behind him, Yuugi thought he heard Otogi say "Thank God for chili fries.", causing the others to burst out laughing.
His friends could be so weird sometimes. And he thought he was a freak.
Author's Notes: I realize that in Japan they use the metric system, but since I, like most bullheaded Americans, never bothered to learn it, everything's in feet. Also, that "Say Penis" part is based of a (humiliating) experience I once went through with my friends. And as far as I'm concerned, in my mind, this is canon because Yuugi deserves it. Hehe... Thanks for reading, and please review.