The Truth and Re-Consideration
A day in the life of a frustrated gold Elite, "Val'Jeez upon the fabled ship itself. Today he is having a visit from a boarding party with a violent surprise in stall. How will he get through this one? Come find out...
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This is the story of a very special Covy ship for all the 'less useful' members of their alliance. First comedy for Halo. Might not be to everyone's taste but please review Anonymous reviewers welcome. No spamming or trolling, I just delete. It doesn't bother me, no that's not a challenge.
Enjoy...
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Val'Jeez picks his plasma sword up off the table when the whooping sirens go off; the demons and their pathetic kin had boarded the cruiser, as was the plan.
What is the plan? To catch a demon. How will it be done? With difficulty...It was part of the over enthusiastic Captains doubtful plan.
However Val'Jeez had a blood-debt he needed to honour and a thirsty blade. He swaggers out of his cabin, deciding to round up some grunts for support.
"Brother..." A clear voice spoke through his intercom
"I know. We will avenge our dead siblings. Meet me in landing bay 8 with the other Elites. Tell them to come camouflaged. We must be wary" Val'Jeez whispers dramatically. There is a pause before a response comes.
"Actually I was going to ask you to bring some of those nice crispy cheesy things we took from that human cruiser...A 'Chip'. I believe they call it. So crunchy! So goooood, we must show the profits!..."
Val'Jeez misses the last things his brother says. The sirens are really beginning to annoy him.
Val'jeez strides into the grunt barracks.
"Yikes! We all gonna die!" a hapless grunt squeals
It was chaos. Little grunts were running around the place waving their hands in the air, climbing on the furniture breathing rapidly in a panic.
"Fools! You will use all your methane supplies! We can't get more, we have run out of space beans" Val'Jeez bellows.
"Master...MASTER!" a particularly frantic grunt yells out.
Val'Jeez nods disapprovingly. "Yipity Yap. Collect your brothers and meet me in landing bay 8" The disgruntled golden Elite calls out commandingly with a sweep on his gnarled hand. Val' Jeez walks out the barracks, pleased to find the grunts to be in a braver mood than normal. However a cloud of concern descends on him.
Now the Jackals...Profits know what state they will be in..." Val'Jeez whispers to himself seriously.
He walks into the Jackal barracks. The seasoned Elite sighs. The bird like xenos are squawking and shitting everywhere. They are flapping around causing a right mess.
"Curse you confounded creatures!" Val'Jeez cries, looking at the scattered bird seed on the floor in dismay. The Jackals all stop and cock their heads, watching the Elite with their avian eyes. "Suit up! Landing bay 8, now! If you hurry I will give you all more of that coconut I found" He shouts, activating his plasma sword threateningly.
The bird-like creatures pick up their weapons and rush out.
"Mighty Hunters! We have need of you! The Elite call out.
Silence.
Val'Jeez grumbles in annoyance for having to search. He looks around the room for the hunters. A few dead worms by the flower garden in the corner of the large room confirm his fears. Lesson learnt, never put worms with birds, Hunters with Jackals. He shrugs and walks out, he never liked them anyway. Hunters were weird and talked funny.
Val'Jeez stalks down the corridor, activating his camouflage making himself invisible to the world. He makes the arduous trip to the landing bay. Upon arrival he finds the entire area quiet and empty. He sighs, clicking his mandibles. He must be the first.
"Val'Jeez?" a voice rings out
"Brother Ranu'Hi?"
"Thank the profits for your timely arrival, the 'Demon'! He comes!" the panicked Elite calls out
"Where are Jim'Ni and Tan'Arami?"
"Oh mighty Val'Jeez! They are not here!" Ranu'Hi wails
"Curse those useless fools! They have always been...Useless!" Val'Jeez spits
"Who?" Two indignant voices call out in unison
"Jim'Ni? Tan'Arami?" Ranu'Hi asks, confused
"Curse this camouflage! Turn it off! I can't see any of you!" Val'Jeez calls out in absolute frustration. Looking around the deceptively empty room for his comrades.
Three pale blue Elites appear to materialise out of thin air before him. Loud screaming and squawking coming echoes down the corridor behind the group. They all turn to face the oncoming raucous.
Out of the corridor explodes a legion of terrified grunts and confused Jackals covered in bird seed and feathers. "Get into position!" Val'Jeez calls out to the masses. "You guys, stay here. I am scouting ahead." He whispers to his brethren.
"Come Yippity Yap" He calls out to the little grunt major in his shiny red armour. He heads towards another corridor branching off from landing bay 8.
"Yes boss!" the grunt replies with his squeaky high pitched voice. The brave golden Elite strides towards the Marines position further down the hall with the motley group of grunts in tow waddling quickly to keep up.
"I hit the man. Shoot him. Bang, bang! Then I polish my armour for two month. Messy messy!" Yippity Yap says trying to sound aggressive in his baby voice. The other grunts gasp and shriek in fear.
"Damn it, Yippity Yap! I killed that puny man-soldier! You just shot him after I killed him. It took you half an hour to work up the courage." Val'Jeez bellows, losing all patience.
"Marines, stay behind me. I am picking something up on my scanners." A cool voice rings out. "Let the Chief through boys! No Carter! Wait!" comes a gravelly, strange voice down the hall.
"Got you" Val'Jeez whispers with an excited click of the mandibles, activating his camouflage. He had a bone to pick with the Spartan II.
Val'Jeez hugs the wall as a careless Marine wearing thick glasses runs round the corner. The grunts jump at least three feet in the air "Yikes!" Yippity Yap squeeks, opening fire.
The hapless Marine turns into something akin to a roast chicken after the plasma barrage. "Yummy!" The grunt major shouts. Val'Jeez waits patiently, ignoring his simple fellows.
A large green giant runs around the corner. "Do it again!" One of the grunts shouts. They all open fire. The green giant's shields flare violently. "Run away!" Yippity Yap shouts. The green giant begins to stride forward. Val'Jeez steps out into the middle of the corridor to confront the demon.
"I am the mighty Val'Jeez!" speaks the strong Elite, heroically. The green giant continues to stride forward, undaunted, unaware.
"Die!" A little voice calls out behind him. A furious grunt charges towards the Spartan II with a fuming plasma grenade. The grunt slams right into Val'Jeez making his shields flare. The Spartan stops abruptly, raising his machine gun cautiously.
The grunt gets up from the floor. He rubs his head and stands up. He looks at his hand. The plasma grenade is still there!
"Ahhh! The little grunt screams trying to shake it off, running round in circles. Val'Jeez dives onto the floor as the Spartan opens fire.
The explosion rips through the halls in a blinding blue flash. Val'Jeez screams as the super heated plasma wave rushes over his back, peeling strips off his flesh.
He opens his eyes. Luckily his camouflage is still active by some miracle. His back is burning in agony but he is alive at least. "Thank the profits" He whispers breathlessly. Mentally taking note not to let grunts use plasma grenades on board ever again.
"Dude..." The Spartan says, lowering his gun. By now all the other Marines have caught up to him. "I'm so bad ass I should wear a cape or something. Like a super hero or something" He says, slinging his gun over his shoulder.
"What the hell was that?" The sergeant yells out in a fury. Everyone shrugs.
The Spartan walks forward. Val'Jeez barely holds in his scream as the Spartan steps on his back "Whoa! The floor is squishy here!" He says
The sergeant scratches his chin. "We must be on the Truth and Re-consideration! Lets head back boys, no danger from these crazy foo's." He says in a deep afro-American accent. The men nod
"Let's get out of here! This is loser-Ville!" another Marine shouts
"No!" The Spartan says. The Marines go Silent. "Let's go forward!"
Val'Jeez curses silently as the Spartan and his Marines run over him on the way out. When they disappear round a bend Val'Jeez stands up.
"Curse you demon...I will get you. On the profits I swear!" The battered Elite says, swaying on the spot.