ROOKIE BLUE.

Title: Breakdown.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue, but I wish I did. At least give me Sam Swarek:)
Category: MSR (McNally/Swarek Romance), UST, ANGST

These events take place after the first season of RB.

This is my first work written in english, so forgive me!:)

Please, review!:D

Chapter 1. Undisclosed desires

"Falling faster

Barely breathing

Give me something to believe in

Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man

Make me whole once again…"

Nick Lachey – What's left of me

A phone was ringing.

Andy McNally opened her eyes and jerked forward.

Sun was shining through the curtain cracks, leaving bright yellow stripes on the floor. It was quiet in the room, and distant sounds of the woken city were muffled by the closed windows.

Andy was breathing heavily, after the sudden waking. For a few seconds she tried to remember what day it was. She looked at the other side of the bed. A wrinkled sheet recalled a blurred memory of Luke telling her it's time to go to work. Andy slightly remembered telling him to go without her, because she wanted to have ten more minutes to sleep.

Andy reached across the bed, to the bedside table and took her cell. The battery was dead. Near the cell lied a piece of paper with Luke's handwriting and a bunch of keys on top. The note said:

I left my car, so you wouldn't be late.

Already miss you,

Luke.

Andy smiled, touched with his thoughtfulness.

The landline phone rang again.

Andy jumped of the bed. She tried to grab the phone that stood on the shelf, but her legs tangled in a blanket and she clumsily fell on the carpet. She swore loudly, stood up and picked up the phone.

"Andy!" she answered breathlessly.

"Andy, where have you been?" She heard a familiar voice on the other end of the phone. It was Traci Nash – her best friend since the Academy.

"God, Trace, what time is it?"

"It's almost ten! Why haven't you been answering your cell? I called you like a hundred times!"

"The battery is dead. Oh no, did i miss the briefing?" Andy exhaled loudly.

"Yeah, it was an hour ago! He asked about you and I told him you were running late… what happened?"

"I overslept… Oh, I'm so gonna be in trouble!"

She heard a muffled voice in the receiver:

"Let's go, Nash!" It was Noelle Williams – Traci's ex-training officer.

"Andy, we're taking off, I gotta go!" Traci uttered hastily.

"Okay, Trace!"

"Good luck there!"

"Oh, I'm soo gonna need it".

Andy moved to the wardrobe and opened it. She took out some jeans and a tank top and pulled them on. She had no time for a shower, luckily she took one last night, before going to bed.

An hour later she was in Luke's car, nervously thumbing her finger against the steering wheel. She was slowly driving among hundreds of cars, stuck in a morning traffic jam.

"C'mon! C'mon!" she mumbled, looking at the cars ahead from the sidelite.

She imagined how she'll arrive at the station and will face the disappointed look of sergeant Best and sneering of co-workers behind her back. She knew that many cops of 15th Division shot disapproving glances at her, because she was dating detective Luke Callaghan.

But that wasn't the main thing that bothered her.

All of a sudden she was thinking of Sam Swarek – her former training officer. She didn't tell him that she moved in with Luke, but he must have already heard that, because everyone was talking about it. Now Andy was feeling guilty for not telling Sam herself. She knew how it will look like, when she'll appear at the station in Callaghan's car… Like it's official and for real. Like Luke is much more than a "colleague with benefits"…

Her heart sank. She didn't want Sam to know. And the sudden realization of that made her sick. She was desperately rushing things with Luke, but in reality…

Andy shook of that thought.

No!

No.

No.

No.

No.

She loved Luke.

Loved.

Loved?

Loved!

Luke?...

She was so confused. Has she made a mistake? But she couldn't just break up with him. Luke loved her. And she loved… well, yeah, she loved him. So why should she leave him?

Her stomach quivered.

She thought about Sam and something huge like a bubble blew in her chest, making it hard to breathe. No. Not Sam. No. Obviously he wasn't interested in her anymore. He even got her and Luke back together. He had his Monica and apparently now Gail, with whom he left the bar a few days ago. Whatever, not like she (Andy) needed him, anyway.

Bitterness like hot liquid spread over her body.

Of course you need him, - told an inside voice. – You need him so desperately you can't even stop thinking about him.

"Shut up!"

These words flew out of her mouth. She said that aloud.

And then the uncalled memories started flashing in her mind, like pictures.

She and Sam are transporting a witness to the station. Sam's gone for a few minutes, Swan is having a seizure. She's on the ground. The prisoner is running into the woods. Sam's angry face. Woods. She and Sam split. She's on the ground and Swan's on top of her.

Going over the memories, Andy instinctively touched her neck, still feeling Swan's strong choking grip. She took a glance in a mirror and saw dark traces of his fingers still visible on her neck.

And then she remembered Swarek throwing Swan off of her. If it wasn't for Sam she would definitely pass out. And then everything could go differently. Swan would have probably shot her and then Sam…

Andy shuddered, and her heart leapt. She made a deep breath and tried not to think about it.

That day brought them closer together. That day Sam told her that Luke was a good guy and gave her a huge speech about him. Sam was the one who practically got them back together…

And the only question that bothered her was: has Sam moved on?

He lied to cover her in front of Luke, and she supported his lie. Yes, Luke did have – in Swarek's words – 'a fragile ego', but she didn't feel as though she was protecting Luke with this lie. She felt that it became another barrier between them. Another secret with Sam. And secrets tend to bring people closer. She trusted Sam more than anyone. She felt safe. She felt secure.

But now she had Luke again, and he was a great guy, she knew that. So why did her inner voice whisper another name?

A week ago she and Sam became even closer, when he proved the innocence of her father that was suspected in a murder of a rapist from one of his old cases. Sam was the one who put her first. He put her before the job. He cared for her.

And that undercover operation two days ago… The way Sam looked at her, the way he kissed her. She didn't care if it was just an act. It felt real.

Last night when she and Luke went at their place, she felt something strange. She loved Luke like a relative or a friend, but she just couldn't stop thinking about Swarek. She thought about Swarek, when she met Luke at the parking lot, she thought about Swarek, when Luke kissed her. And the butterflies in her stomach were flapping not because that were Luke's lips on hers, but because she unconsciously imagined Sam standing in front of her, Sam kissing her and wanting her.

She couldn't get rid of that vivid image in her head. She didn't know what was happening to her. He was all she could think of, and that scared the hell out of her. She wasn't supposed to feel that way. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with her former T.O. That was against the rules.

Was.

But she has Luke!

Admit it: you can't get the night of the blackout out of your head.

Andy felt something quiver in the pit of her stomach, when she recalled that memory. Her heart started pumping loudly in her throat.

Yesterday, back at her apartment, when Luke started kissing her passionately, she told him she was exhausted and wanted to sleep. Luke said it was okay and smiled at her so tenderly, that Andy felt guilty. He had no idea, what was going on in her mind.

After taking a shower she crawled into bed with Luke and even at that moment she thought of Sam. She tried so hard to wipe his face off of her mind, because it was wrong, but she couldn't and that scared her more and more.

Andy closed her face with her hands, making a deep breath. She was so confused.

Suddenly she realized why she had overslept this morning and why she asked Luke to sleep for ten more minutes. She remembered what dream she was having. The dream was about Sam. One of those, after which you thank heaven, nobody can read your mind.

A loud honk deafened Andy. And she took her hands off of her face.

"Hey lady! Sleep much?" Shouted a driver from the car behind her.

Andy looked ahead and realized that the jam was gone, while she was blocking the road to other drivers. A few cars behind her started honking.

"Okay-okay!" She shouted back, looking at a driver in a rearview mirror. Annoyed with the fact that he interrupted her thoughts, Andy pushed the pedal hard and speeded off the high road.

When Andy got to the station it was almost one pm. Who would have thought that a twenty-minute road could last more than two hours!

She parked Luke's car on the corner of Silverspring Street, so nobody would notice her, and walked the rest of the way on foot.

As she passed the police station parking lot, her stomach started turning. She was very nervous.

"Hey, stranger!" Shouted someone in her ear and Andy nearly jumped. She was so distracted, that she didn't hear Dov Epstein approach her.

"Hey, you scared the hell out of me!" Andy made a loud breath.

Dov smiled at her cheerfully, surprised by her reaction. The smell of his cologne was so taunting that it seemed tangible and could as well wear some clothes.

"What's gotten into you today?" Dov asked and added thoughtfully. "Where've you been?"

"Don't ask", said Andy gloomily. "I had a horrible morning."

"Swarek's gonna kick your ass!"

It wasn't Dov who said that. Andy stopped, her heart beating loudly, and turned around to see Gail Peck catching up with them. Her short shiny hair was sticking in different directions.

"Why's that?" Asked Andy looking at Gail emotionless. Sometimes Andy hated the way Gail was always picking on everyone. But today she hated her more than ever.

"You didn't show up, and Swarek had to stay at the station to do all the paper work on the yesterday's shootings by himself", Gail smiled acidly. "The governor wants a full report today".

Andy clenched her teeth. She was even jealous when Gail was saying his name.

"Damn it, I totally forgot about that…"Andy muttered. She accelerated her pace heading to the station. "What are you two doing here by the way?"

"I'm glad you've asked!" Dov's face brightened. With a glimpse at his expression Andy knew he was dying to tell her something.

"We have a tip on possible drug trafficking!" He exclaimed happily.

"Who's the source?" asked Andy. She actually didn't care, she was just trying to relax and take her mind off of Sam Swarek.

Dov was talking so fast that she could barely make out what he was saying.

"Some guy. Home invasion. Was trying to rob his grandma. Turned out to be a small-time drug dealer".

"Nice," said Andy emotionless.

"… Then-he-said-that-he-didn't-do-anything, and I said we'll-throw-him-behind-bars-if-he's-not telling-us-what's-going-on. And then he's-like-"okay-okay!-I-know-something-about-a-russian-drug-cartel…" We've booked him and now we're going to Boyd and Jerry...

"Shut up, Dov, she's not even listening to you," snorted Gail.

Dov glanced at Andy aggrievedly.

She was absorbed in her thoughts.

"M-m?" She asked, turning to them, and bumping into someone. It was a brown-haired man in a green jacket, looking thoughtfully at the front door of the police station.

"Excuse me," Andy muttered and tried to walk past him to get to the door, when the man touched her shoulder.

"Excuse me, do you work here?"

"Yes, sir, as a matter of fact we do!" Dov answered glibly.

The man in the jacket turned to Epstein and Peck. Andy stopped and that very second saw Luke Callaghan getting out of Jerry Barber's car.

Andy's heart sank: she didn't want to appear at the station in Luke's company, especially when someone's ex-T.O. was right there, sitting behind his desk waiting for her. She didn't want to ruin that fragile connection she and Sam managed to set between them last days. Firstly, Sam had to hear from her that she and Luke moved in together.

Andy tried to avoid meeting Luke and even ducked behind the man in the green jacket, but Callaghan noticed her from afar.

"Andy!" He called and gestured her to wait for him.

"Damn it!" Andy had no choice but to stand upright.

"I'll be right back," Luke told Jerry and headed to the front doors. Andy folded her arms nervously.

"Hey, Andy, tell me…" Started Dov but he had to make some space to let Luke move along.

"Hey, Sleepyhead," said Luke loudly, smiling at Andy. She blushed, uncomfortable to be called like that in front of the others.

"Hey," Andy murmured. "Listen, I've gotta run… See you later?"

Luke's expression became puzzled.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah… I'm just late. Sam is going to kill me…" These words slipped out of her mouth before she could realize what she was saying.

Luke frowned suspiciously.

"I'll talk to him."

"No-no…" Andy flushed. "No, Luke, what I mean is I've got to go," Andy smiled awkwardly at him and slipped into the building before he could answer.

She mingled with the crowd of officers in the lobby and looked back. Luke wasn't following her. She felt relieved.

Andy hated the way she ran away from him – a nice honest guy – but she couldn't help herself. She just wasn't ready to be a 'girlfriend of the year' when she was thinking about another man.

Andy passed the corridor and, with a thumping heart, walked in a room with glass walls.

"Had a nice nap, McNally?"

Andy turned to see Staff Sergeant Frank Best smiling at her.

"Sorry, I'm late, sir," she mumbled. "I had a situation..."

"I don't care as long as it doesn't become a habit."

"It won't, sir, I promise."

"Okay then, McNally. Do your paper work. I want your report on the shootings today."

"Yes, sir," replied Andy while thinking: "That was easy".

Right then she saw a black-haired man, sitting behind one of the desks. She recognized his muscular hands and broad shoulders underneath a black tight T-shirt. Her pulse fastened.

Precisely at that moment Sam Swarek heard her voice and turned around. For a second his gloomy expression became relieved. Andy prepared herself for the worst, but the only thing she got was a glance of sad puppy-like eyes and a single word:

"Hey."

"Hey…" she repeated carefully.

Sam turned back to his computer.

Andy froze, looking perplexed. She expected anything - acid jokes, sarcastic remarks – anything - but this.

He knows.

She stood there for a moment, looking at the back of his neck. Apparently, Sam felt that, because he looked back at her.

"You okay?" He asked, looking over his shoulder. She was staring at him way too long.

"Y-yeah…" She blinked. "Yes, I'm sorry I'm late, sir," she jabbered and got silent abruptly.

Their eyes met and she realized, how awkwardly her "sir" sounded. A shadow of a smile appeared on Swarek's face.

"It's okay," he answered peacefully.

"It's okay?" Andy repeated, abashed.

"Well, yeah," Sam answered quietly. "You're not my rookie anymore," he stumbled and corrected himself quickly. "You're not a rookie."

These words hurt Andy so much she even winced. The pain was nearly physical.

You're not my rookie anymore.

"I'm not your rookie," she repeated absently.

Sam raised his eyebrows.

"Are we playing that "Mirror"-game, when you repeat everything I say?" He asked with a smile.

Andy blushed but didn't reply. After a moment of hesitation, she went to her desk, mentally cursing herself. She sat down and realized that she hasn't changed to her uniform. But she didn't care. Sam's voice spinning in her mind:

You're not my rookie.

Blood was thumping in her temples.

Not my rookie anymore.

Anymore.

She heard a sound of footsteps behind her and the voice of the secretary.

"Officer Swarek, there's a man in the lobby asking for you."

Andy turned around to see Meredith – the reception girl – shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another. She – as many others - was afraid of Swarek, who was known for his bad temper.

"What's his name?" asked Swarek.

"He didn't introduce himself, sir. Black hair, average height. He said you know him, and it's important. I'll take him to the second interrogation room."

"Okay, thanks."

The secretary left. Swarek stood up and glanced at Andy.

"Can you watch the kid while I'm gone?"

"What?" Andy asked blankly.

"Leo," Swarek nodded at a chair on the other side of his table. A cute little boy was staring right at Andy with his big brown eyes.

"Hey, Leo!" She waved her hand. "I didn't notice you behind this computer."

Andy bit her lip. Of course she would've noticed him if she wasn't paying so much attention to Swarek…

"Hi, Andy," Leo murmured.

"His father brought him here half an hour ago," Swarek explained in a low voice so the boy wouldn't hear him.

"And you agreed to sit with him?" Andy whispered, unable to hide her triumphant smile. "That's so sweet. I don't recognize you, Sam Swarek!"

"Don't flatter yourself, it's just that I was the only one who could calm him down."

"Yeah-yeah, sure," teased Andy. She felt relieved because Swarek treated her as usual.

"Will you watch him?"

"Sure," she smiled at him.

He nodded and was already leaving, when she added quietly:

"Uncle Sammy."

Swarek didn't turn around, but she knew he heard her. Her heart was beating loudly, when she watched him leave the room.

"When will mommy come back?" Leo asked bringing Andy back to reality. She approached the boy and sat in a squatting position in front of him.

"In a few hours," she replied with a smile. "Do you want to draw something?"

"I don't know," said the boy gloomily. "Maybe."

"Okay," Andy looked over Sam's desk, trying to find a blank sheet of paper. She picked one and the headline on the other side caught her attention:

"Transfer application".

She froze and her heart sank. It's not what she's thinking… Is it?

She read the note greedily, fear overflowing with each word: "… transfer me…", "…drug unit…", "…as soon as possible…"…

Air seemed thick as tar. She felt dizzy.

Two words at the bottom of the note cut her chest, making it hard to breathe. She stared at them in disbelief. "Sam Swarek".

"I'm hungry," Leo's thin little voice returned her to reality again. She looked at him dumbstruck.

"Okay," she answered quietly and forced a light-hearted smile. "Okay. Would you like a burger?"

Leo nodded shyly.

"I'll be right back, alright?"

"Okay."

Andy put the application back on the table and stood up. She needed some time to think about what she found out.

She looked around to find someone who could watch Leo while she was gone to the cafeteria. The room was nearly empty.

"Hey, Robby," she addressed to the man with spiky blond hair sitting not far from Swarek's table. "Can you take an eye on Leo here? I need to go the cafeteria."

Robby raised his eyes and looked at her reluctantly.

"Do I look like a nanny to you, McNally?.."

"Can you, please, help me out?" Andy cut him impatiently.

Robby shifted his gaze from her to Leo. The boy was looking back at him with his big dark eyes.

"I'm not gonna nurse him or anything," Robby said to Andy, but his voice became softer.

"Just take an eye on him. I'll be back in five."

"Fine," Robby replied.

"Thanks, I owe you."

Andy smiled at Leo and left.

All the way to the cafeteria downstairs she was feeling strange anxious energy building up inside her. She was thinking of that little note and felt desperation and fear growing inside her. She had to talk to Sam, to find out why he was leaving and why didn't he tell her…

She didn't even notice how she got to the cafeteria. It was full of cops having their lunch time. Andy looked at the length of the line to the counter. It was going to take at least five minutes. "Another "traffic jam"," she thought.

Deep in her thoughts Andy suddenly herd someone whisper Swarek's name. Andy froze, listening. The voice belonged to a woman, standing right behind her.

"… yeah, Swarek was the one who told me that they were getting married," the woman said.

"Isn't it too fast?" Another woman asked in a low voice. "They've been dating for how long? A week?"

"They had a past together, Sue. Anyway, Monica's really exited about it."

"I bet she is! The guy is hot!"

Andy felt as though someone hit her in the stomach. She stood motionless.

Sam? married?

Yet it was only a few minutes ago she thought it couldn't get worse.

"Officer McNally, what would you like?" asked Mike the cashier. She made an order and, while waiting, turned to see two police women standing next to her. They changed the subject and were talking about meat loafs in the cafeteria. One of them had long fair hair and grey eyes. The other one was red-headed.

Andy didn't even know them. She turned away as unexpected tears filled her eyes. They were strangers, but yet they knew this much and she didn't know anything at all...

"You okay there?" Asked Mike worriedly, giving her a brown paper bag. He must have seen her eyes watering.

"Yeah," Andy nodded without looking at him and paid for her order hastily. "Thanks."

She felt everybody looking at her, and the way out seemed much longer than it was. She left the cafeteria, whip off the upcoming tears and made a deep breath. She stopped in the empty corridor and closed her eyes for a second. Next moment she went forward with a firm intention to face Sam and figure everything out right now. No more procrastination.

She found the second interrogation room and knocked on the door, not caring if it wasn't the right time. She just couldn't stand it anymore.

In a few seconds Sam appeared on the threshold. He looked intense.

"I need to talk to you, now," it came out instantly.

"That's not the best time, Andy," Sam uttered not looking at her. "I'm in the middle of something."

"It will only take a second, Sam."

"Are you okay?" For a moment he looked at her worriedly.

"Yes," she got silent, not knowing how to start this. "No," and then the words just flooded out. "Why didn't you tell me you were being transferred? You could've at least told me, because I'm your partner. I'm your friend. At least I thought I was!.."

"Andy," Sam tried to stop her, but she didn't listen.

"And what about that marriage thing with Monica? You weren't at all planning to tell me? Are you that indifferent to me?.."

"Andy, stop!" Sam touched her hand, but she drew away from his touch, tears filling her eyes again.

"Andy. I can't talk about it right now, okay?" There was something strange about the way he was looking at her and talking to her. He seemed very intense.

"Okay," She muttered, feeling offended and ashamed, as tears rolled down her cheeks. How stupid of her to distract him with this hysterical flood during a meeting.

"Okay," Sam repeated, looking her right in the eyes.

And then he went back inside the interrogation room and closed the door, leaving Andy alone in the corridor.

To be continued...