Communication doesn't exist in this family--at least not in the way it does in other families. We grunt, glare, incline our head in just the right way to signal approval, and we give each other barely there, meaningful glances. We lie to ourselves by saying it's all we need. We continue with a charade, because anything more than that is just too damn frightening for any one of us. Saying things like 'I'm proud of you', or 'I love you' is left for people who are far more emotional than us--or at least that's what we tell ourselves. Really, what we mean is that those types of things are left for people who are far more emotionally stable than us, but we'll never admit that to anyone…even to ourselves.
The truth is, we all secretly crave more. We want those completely useless words of endearment that we don't actually need, but still desire to hear anyway, to validate our own existences. We want that connection which is always cut short by one or both parties. We want that encouraging hand on our shoulder to become a full-on embrace…some of us more than others (Dick), but no matter how much any of us knows it's not going to happen, that basic want…need…desire is still there.
The worst part is, each and every one of us knows that the others want it, and yet we'll never give it to anyone else, because, to us, it's a sign of weakness. It's a sign that we're letting other things become more important than the mission, and that's just not done. You lose sight of the mission, and you lose worth…well, okay, not worth. Bats would never say that…never say anything, but it damn well feels like it. It feels like, all of a sudden, you are just like everyone else the Bat deals with, no matter which mask he's wearing. Suddenly you're no better than the clueless civilians that he encounters every day. The people who will never be smart enough, good enough, or trustworthy enough to know his secret…yeah, them…you are treated just like them.
I'm sure he doesn't know that that's the vibe he gives each and every one of us, or maybe he does, and he's just too obsessive…too oblivious…too…whatever he is to notice, but that's how it is, and we accept that. We deal with it, and we move past it, but it doesn't stop that want…that feeling of need, and it's that feeling that I want to remove. It's unnecessary, and it gets in the way. It demands too much thought and focus to be of any use. It acquires a large amount of my brain activity that could be used in a more productive way, therefore finding a way to kill that emotion is one of my top priorities.
And I'm sure, if Dick knew my feelings about this, he would say something along the lines of 'Timmy, you repress enough emotions as it is,' but it works, so I see no reason to stop. I'm able to do what I do because of the way I deal, or don't deal for that matter, with emotions. I'm able to be the cold hard calculating Robin that I am thanks to the way I handle things. I find emotions to be extremely pointless, especially this particular one, so why should I continue doing, or in this case feeling, something which hinders me from focusing on things which are actually important? There's no way this particular emotion could possibly be useful, so why bother dispensing so much time and energy into it? Where's the point?
Not to mention that I'm sure that if I talked this all out with Dick, I'd get a nice lecture about how emotions aren't bad, and a bunch of other things I don't really care about. It isn't worth my time. Hell, I don't even think it's worth dealing with any of it…all of the questions he'd ask that I don't have answers for…all of the long speeches that I don't have the mental capacity to listen to…all of the 'I'm here for you' crap. It's just not necessary, and it's not wanted. I can deal just fine without all of that stuff.
But, if that's all true, then why do I still want more? Why do I still want all of the things I find wholly unnecessary? Why do I find myself wishing he'd get it?
The End