Ok everyone, welcome to the new story! Thanks to LadyCallia for de-anoning herself and prompting this for me :P Like I said before, this is technically a Legacy fic, but nothing should really be a spoiler. I'm a little unsure about this one, so I could really use some feedback of any variety. Love you guys and hope you enjoy!
"Come on, Anders. Just think about happier thoughts. Like kittens and bunnies and cheesecake. You love cheesecake."
The mage replied with a groan, hands tightly gripping his head. "I can't make them stop!"
"Darling, everyone already thinks I'm insane for living with Kirkwall's resident crazy mage. You're only proving them right here."
"You're not helping him, Big Brother," Bethany replied, angry that all of the warrior's attempts to comfort his lover seemed to be half-arsed. When she was granted a leave from the Circle to accompany her brother into the Deep Roads, she couldn't possibly have foreseen the events that were to take place there. So many things about her family had come to light on their continuing journey, and that included the relationship her brother shared with Anders. It had been years since she had seen the older warrior, and she had only heard from him once to inform her of their mother's death, though he assured her that he wrote more often. It was no secret that letters were often intercepted before reaching the mage's of the Circle, especially when being sent by the Champion and mage-supporter, Archer Hawke. Even if he had written more letters, the mage doubted that he would make mention of his relationship considering who the other party was.
"What else am I supposed to do, Beth? Nothing I'm saying is doing anything!" The warrior groaned in frustration. His sister was absolutely right; he wasn't helping in the slightest, but he just didn't know what else to do. Anders had begged him to leave him behind when he went to the Deep Roads. And not the sexy kind of begging. The mage hated the series of tunnels below the earth, just as any sane person would. But, because he was a Grey Warden, he struggled greatly down there, the call of the Archdemon breathing down his neck. The first time they had ventured down below together, Anders complained, but he appeared to have no trouble holding himself together. This time, the warrior could tell that his lover was on the verge of a breakdown, and he felt utterly helpless in his attempts to comfort him.
"Nothing you're saying is helping because he doesn't seem to be hearing you," Isabela offered. And she was right; between the occasional groan about his discomfort, the mage was completely lost in his own mind, following the others blindly as they continued along their path.
"We'll stop here for the night…day…whatever bloody time it is," Hawke said as they found their way to a space just off of the path, surrounded by a group of fallen pillars. "You two set up camp, and I'll see what I can do about him." His sister and the pirate each nodded and went on to start a fire.
The warrior walked over to Anders who was staring blankly at a pile of rubble on the ground. Moving behind him, he gently placed a large, gauntleted hand on his right shoulder. "If I'm going to be able to help you, you're going to need to talk to me."
"I don't know how many times I told you that I didn't want to be down here," the mage finally replied after what seemed like a lifetime. "I can't handle it down here."
"Nobody likes it down here, Darling. You said it yourself – the taint is just awful. It's smelly and disgusting. It's almost like something wants you to stay out of here. Well I've had just about enough of it. I'll be writing a terribly passive-aggressive letter describing what a bad time we've had down here and how we'll never be coming back. Once they realize who I am and all of the powerful friends I have, they'll be sure to get this place back into a beautiful state for the sake of business."
The mage rolled his shoulders, shoving off his lover's hand. "I asked you to leave me behind, and you didn't."
Hawke turned to look back at his other two companions. Both had their eyes fixed on the two lovers but quickly averted their gazes back to the fire, their shoes – anything. The warrior frowned and wrapped a hand around the blonde's arm, pulling him in his direction. "How about we take a walk?" The mage simply sighed and began to walk with the other man. They ventured off in silence a short distance until they came upon a cylindrical stone room made up of large pillars and a domed roof. After careful inspection of the space, the warrior leaned up against a pillar, back to the stone, and spoke.
"Anders, I asked you to come because I needed you here. And you came here at your own free will; I didn't drag you kicking and screaming."
"Do not pin this on me, Hawke! I came because I love you even though you knew how badly I wanted to just go back home. Your sister's a healer, for Andraste's sake! Don't bullshit me by saying you needed me."
Since the day they had professed their love for one another, the warrior couldn't recall a single time that Anders had called him by his last name. It stung, so cold and impersonal. But he could see the hurt, the distance in those amber eyes, and he knew it was hardly his lover speaking. "I did need you here, Anders! Sure I have Bethany – she's a healer and my blood. But we've been apart so long that sometimes I feel like she's just a distant memory. You-" There was a hitch in his breath as he tried to continue. Pull yourself together, man! You're stronger and better than this – Champion, hero, handsome, king of romance. Alright, confidence and strength restored. "You're my family now. You've stood by my side through everything, and I needed you here because I was scared of what I'd find. I just wanted the security of having you next to me."
The mage could hardly bring himself to look at the other man. His head was swimming, waves of thoughts belonging to other beings besides himself threatening to make him crash and drown. Yet, somewhere between the ever-growing presence of the spirit inhabiting him and the cries and call of the darkspawn, he tried to process his own thoughts of guilt and understanding.
"I know that's selfish, as is most everything I do," the warrior continued. "But you have to know that I would have never allowed you to come here had I known what this would do to you." He pushed himself off the column and embraced the other man, and he finally let out a sigh of relief once he felt the mage's arms wrap around him, head nestling against the bare skin of his neck.
"Can we just make an early start after we've rested so we can finish up with everything? I just want to get back home where I have a little more control over myself. I feel utterly helpless in my own body; my own head. It's like, at any moment, I'm going to lose it and he'll take over. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being dangerous. You-"
Hawke pulled back, keeping the other man at arm's length. "If you say one more thing about me needing finding someone else, I will punch you in that beautiful face of yours. I'm standing by you and your crazy and Justice and the taint no matter what, and you should know that by now. I said I wanted to be with you until the day we die, and I meant that. Be it tomorrow or when you actually get your Calling, I'll be there next to you. Lovely, you failing to mention that last one to me, Darling."
Anders pinched the bridge of his nose between his right thumb and forefinger. That was something he and Hawke would definitely need to discuss. But that was better left for the quiet back at the estate, if they ever made it home. He shook the thought the best he could. "I have never understood why you stay with me."
"Besides the sex?" the warrior asked with a sly smile. He licked his lips and looked down. "I stay with you for many reasons. Love and such. But you also stay with me, and I realize that's not an easy task. On the surface, I'm the epitome of perfection. All the lads and ladies turn to look when I walk by." He looked back over at the other man put himself on display. "Who wouldn't want to be with this?" He didn't wait for Anders to answer. "No one, that's who. But you've seen the real me, behind the chiseled abs and impeccable wit. You deal with all my quirks, and you love them for me anyway."
"You are odd at times, the mage admitted. "You're the only man I know who would spend the better part of a day lying on the floor next to a rug just so you could cut the fringe with a knife so it would all be even. Or, even though you don't believe in the Maker, you're the only one that says a prayer for each dragon we slay."
"They're beautiful animals though!"