Revelations

A/N – all right so 220 was hell of an episode! Oh my! So many emotions! Christ! So many things one would want to change and yet I got the feeling that it had to be done the way it was so it would make sense. I am shaken and totally pulled in and can't wait for the next one. And as I was feeling like writing a bit of angst...

I won't really address Zapata as her transition was something I didn't see really coming and I am just too curious about what's gonna happen with her and Reede – who just seemed to find his equilibrium...

The morning came and Weller found himself nursing his first glass. He just couldn't make himself drink it and finish the whole bottle – or maybe two – like he used when Jane was taken by the CIA. Back then he thought he could drink away the pain and sorrow. For more than three months every single night he would get his drink – or two or three or more – and just try to forget.

And so he sat down after this shitty day and poured himself a drink. And to his surprise he couldn't bring himself to drink it. He knew he would most probably fall back to his old routine. And he knew he didn't want to. Having a drink with his team was one thing – drinking away his sorrow was another.

Being awake whole night thinking wasn't something he enjoyed but this time sleep just wouldn't come and he had a lot to think about.

Finding out that Roman killed Emma has shaken him to his core. But he believed him and when he said she hadn't suffered. Finding out Jane knew and kept it from him? That hurt. Especially because just a few days before that he was finally ready to admit to himself what she meant to him, how much he cared and he was ready – there in the bar stirred by the intensity of the moment – to kiss her and let her know that the past was behind them. But she had lied to him – again.

What was worst for him was the fact that his rational part wanted to be angry at her, wanted to blame her and let her feel his anguish and pain but actually he couldn't really do that. Soon he realized she was the one he wanted to call to talk about it, she was the one he trusted to help him stay sober and make sense of things. It was so damn frustrating! He wanted to hate her for lying to him – as much as he wanted to hate her for choosing Oscar over him that night when he had waited in the park.

And yet he understood.

She told him she wanted to protect him. Not Roman but him. Of course partially it was about Roman as he was her brother and frankly – at her place he would try his best to help him and he would probably keep this dirty secret as well. But it was also about him. And while he was opening up to her in the car instead of shutting her out completely he saw the plain truth – she kept it from him to protect him, to save him the pain he felt as he realized that Emma had to die because of him. Jane knew that even before he did. She knew him way too well.

But he was angry and it was personal and he couldn't really bring himself to just put it behind him. He knew he most probably would – because no matter what he knew that what he felt for Jane was something he wouldn't just lock away and pretend it didn't exist. He tried that before and failed miserably. No, he could admit to himself that he had fallen in love with Jane and he had to face the fact that this was that kind of love that would keep him company for the rest of his life – no matter if she would be by his side or not.

He had told her before that he had been too choosy. And ironically he hadn't chosen her. It just happened. And he was powerless to stop it. One day he realized he had fallen for her – hard. There was attraction, there was friendship and trust, there was a lot more and finally when he least expected it there was love. It hit him like a ton of bricks and he couldn't breathe as he had never felt like that before.

No, with Jane everything was different. With Jane everything was right – even when it was all so wrong.

So he took a shower and went to the office, knowing he would have to talk to her – again. She was hurting and he was the reason why – yet again – and he knew he had to fix that. Yes, it would take time, he knew it would, but this time he wanted to let her know that he was working on it, he didn't want them to drift apart. He said a bit to her already but had the feeling it wasn't enough. Her pain stricken face was burnt into his memory.

But they needed to talk – he had to make sure there were no other lies, no other secrets between them.

God he missed her.

The only problem was that Jane didn't show up in the office whole day.