Disclaimer: I don't own any of these chararters, or the Lou Barlow lyrics that this fic was inspired by...


I know you've given all that you could give to me...

I know there'll come a day I understand...

Until then i'll be trying to solve your mystery...

And wonder why I couldn't make you stay...

Carter sat alone in his apartment, staring at the clock. He knew he should be at work, but he just couldn't bring himself to go. While he sometimes didn't understand why it was so hard to face her, most times he understood all too well. He couldn't remember a time when he felt so intrigued by a woman. The way she walked, the way she smiled at him over her glass of wine, the effortless conversation, the undeniable chemistry. And he couldn't help but think that, at times, she felt the same way. Most days, like today, he couldn't focus his mind on anything else but her. He felt as if he couldn't shake the urge to take her in his arms and tell her how much he had grown to love her. But there was only one problem with that scenario: Kirsten belonged to someone else. Sandy to be exact. Someone with whom he had become almost friends with.

But these feelings he had for her–there was so much more to the story than just plain lust. There was a depth about Kirsten, a well of secrets that he was so close to figuring out. He knew that she and Sandy had an exceptional marriage, just from the things that she said. But there were developing flaws in the relationship, serious ones. Carter could sense that there was a rift between the two of them, and even though it wasn't his place to pry, he felt that sometimes Kirsten wanted to open up to him about it. However, Carter wasn't sure if he was prepared to deal with what that might do his relationship with her. She was so close but so far away, and at this point, he felt that might just be the right place for her. He knew he wasn't strong enough to hold his composure if Kirsten turned to him for comfort. But there was nothing in the world he wanted more than to be close to her.

These thoughts keep rolling around in Carter's mind, which didn't make his decision to get ready for work any easier. He couldn't hide forever, though. He had to deal with these feelings and put them behind him. He had made a commitment to this magazine, and he intended to honor it. And Kirsten had made a commitment to her husband, which left no room for him in her personal affairs. But the attraction he felt for Kirsten was going to be difficult, if not impossible to ignore.

Smiling through denial – my specialty...

I thought that was a good thing for a while...

You gave me all your secrets were you testing me?

How could I do anything but smile?

Kirsten lay in bed, mulling her thoughts. Thoughts of Sandy, of work, of the strain the past few weeks had put on the two of them...of Carter. Even though she tried not to think of him, his face would enter her mind at will. It was almost as if she had no control over it.

Some days it was so hard to put on the front. She was so tired of feeling disconnected from her own life. And although she loved Sandy, the distance between them was becoming unbearable. The rift that Rebecca had left between them; Kirsten thought she could overcome it, and she was trying. But she just knew that there was more to the story than Sandy has disclosed. She wasn't sure if she really even wanted to know the truth, but something was going to have to give. She felt so alone, so abandoned–except when she was with Carter. Their late night work sessions, and daily interactions had almost become a welcome escape from her home life.

Kirsten was jolted back to reality when she heard Sandy emerge from the shower.

"Honey, you know I really like Carter. He's got a lot of potential on the board-I mean he's a little rusty, but improving. After Jimmy left I didn't think I would find another friend. And I was thinking–we should invite him over for dinner. I introduced him to Erin, that new orthopedist yesterday, and I definitely think there were some sparks there."

Kirsten felt her stomach knot up a little, but she regained her composure long enough to say: "Sure Sandy, that sounds great" in the most upbeat tone she could muster.

"Great, I'll make the calls, " Sandy said on his way out of the bedroom. Kirsten's feet felt heavy and her heart was racing. Why was she feeling this way, she wondered? Carter is a co-worker and a friend; why not invite him over? It would be good for him to meet someone, since he's new in town, she reasoned. But all the while she couldn't shake the disappointment she felt, knowing she would not only have to be in the same room with Carter and her husband, but also have to watch him flirting with someone else.

My god, she thought. Get yourself together. This is crazy. Sandy is your husband and Carter is your friend. Stop being so childish. But did she really see Carter as just a friend? Some moments she was sure of it, but most times she wasn't sure of anything at all. Sandy was her husband, but Carter was the one that listened to her, the one she felt she could talk to, even though she chose to hold back most of the time. Carter had told her a lot of things about his life, but her details had remained very limited. Mainly because she wasn't sure what effect it would have on her and Carter's relationship. Carter was the type of person that, no matter how horrible the day had been, could always make her smile. She definitely felt the attraction between them when they were together--the breathless sound of his voice, the way he said her name, the way he would gaze at her and she swore that it would set her soul afire. The way he would stand close to her when they were reviewing material for the magazine, and she could feel the heat of his body. And after the conversation by the pool the night of the magazine launch, she felt sure that he was battling these feelings just as she was.

But that's all it could be–just feelings, she told herself. I have a family and a life to focus on, and it's not worth throwing away over some trivial, lustful attraction. But even as she thought those things, she knew that it wasn't just lust. It was more. A connection that words really cannot explain. Something that she was trying so hard to ignore.

With that, she showered and dressed and headed to the office. To work. The magazine. And Carter.

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