Title: Rather Not (1/1)
Summary: Willow sees something that she really wishes that she hadn't.
Type: This is _humour_. If you take it as anything else, there really
isn't any hope for you. Not to be taken seriously. At all.
Spoilers: 5th season.
Rating: PG13 for mild sexual situations.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all. I'm simply putting my own spin on an
already ridiculous story.
Date: March 27, 2001.
If Willow had ever thought to list the top ten things she didn't want
to know about Spike, this would have to be first on the list. Willow's
mouth dropped along with the bag of blood she had been holding. The
latter splattered against the ground and her sneakers, and the former
snapped closed with an audible click of teeth. "Oh. My. Goodness,"
Willow squeaked each word, taking a hurried flurry of steps backward.
Away from the... BuffyBot. Willow closed her eyes and clamped her
hands over them for good measure. "I'm going to be ill," she mumbled
against her palms.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Spike's voice snarled from behind
her. He sounded angry... and was that a tinge of embarrassment in his
voice?
Willow shrieked and dropped her hands from her face, saw the staring
BuffyBot and shrieked again, whirled into Spike's chest and gave a final
shriek. She hadn't screamed so much since the sole year she'd gone to
summer camp and had found a frog on her pillow the first night. Willow
swallowed and breathed and found that she couldn't do both at the same
time. She coughed until her eyes watered.
"Nothing," Willow wheezed her response. "I'm not doing anything. I
didn't see anything. In fact, I'm not here at all." She smiled and
nodded, 'not here, not here, see, this is me being not here' she thought
hopefully as she began to inch her way towards the door. The BuffyBot
toppled over behind her and Willow jumped, avoiding a new screech by
opting for a squeal instead.
Spike's eyes darted back and forth between his fallen BuffyBot and the
red-faced redhead none too gracefully trying to sneak away. He closed
his eyes briefly and heaved an airless sigh. "Wait just a minute, Red,"
Spike snapped as he grabbed for Willow's arm.
It took her a moment to realize that she wasn't actually willing
herself to invisibility, and that her steps weren't leading her
anywhere. "Huh?" Willow gasped and turned to look into Spike's face.
"I thought we agreed I wasn't here. Not here. Never was here. Never
will be here again." She looked over Spike's arm and blanched. "Oh,
good God," Willow whined, tugging at her captive arm desperately.
"Calm down already!" Spike growled. "What's wrong with--" he turned
his head and his lips snapped shut on the remainder of the question.
Willow's free hand found its way back to her eyes. "I'm too young to
be seeing this," she whimpered. Her mind -- and when precisely had it
become so twisted? -- pointed out that the real Buffy probably was
flexible enough for that. Willow's eyes rolled wildly behind her
tightly clenched eyelids. "Let go, let go _now_. I can feel myself
going insane while I stand here."
"_I_ didn't program her to do that," Spike said defensively.
BuffyBot started to hum, the floor vibrating beneath them as she moved.
Willow was nearly crying behind her shielding hands.
"Look, Red, this isn't what it seems like..." Spike began lamely.
ZZzngt, BuffyBot groaned.
"You have a crush on Buffy. Buffy shot you down. You're obsessive.
Obsessive Spike met robotics genius. Robotics genius made a Buffy for
obsessive Spike. Yup, I think I know what this is." Willow risked a
peek and wished that she hadn't. "Although I don't see why you needed a
Buffy capable of doing _that_," Willow eeped as she flung her hands back
over her face.
ZzzZZZMmm, BuffyBot exclaimed.
"It wasn't like that at all!" Spike huffed. "The Big Bad doesn't need
to have someone make him a woman!"
Zzmmm_Spikey_!MMmzzpth.
"A total coincidence, that. And that she's here at all," Spike
insisted.
"Look, Spike, I don't care! I just don't want to be seeing or hearing
this. I want to go home and forget that I ever found out about this.
I'd run my brain through the washer if it were possible."
Bizztemmmzzbaybeeezz! BuffyBot shrieked.
"I am _not_ a desperate looser," Spike said firmly.
"No, no, of course not! You're the Big Bad, Mr. Evil, Killer of
Slayers, bad, bad, _bad_. And I'll never say a word of this to anyone,
and I'll perform a memory wipe on myself, just _please let me go_!"
Willow wailed as the BuffyBot began to chant something that distantly
sounded like Spike's name.
"Not a word?"
"I swear."
Spptzkey!
"Well, good then."
Willow was running before Spike's fingers had even slipped completely
free from her arm. She could hear BuffyBot wail behind her, cement
cracking as the BuffyBot's fingers curled into the ground.
_Spptzkey!_
Next time, Willow decided, Anya could be the one to check up on Spike.
~end~