Uzumaki Naruto had done many embarrassing things in his life. He had run through the streets with his principal's humungous bra on his head, he had flashed the janitor, taken pictures of his teacher being molested by his other teacher, painted himself purple and sang the national anthem, and he had even attempted to seduce his crazy old neighbour, Orochimaru, whilst clad in a leopard-print thong and a bow tie. All were dares, courtesy of his bored friends, which was possibly why his present situation was so humiliating. He had never before done something so degrading voluntarily.
He stood in his boxers before his best friend's brother and that brother's cronies, asking for help- to get his best friend to date him. He was lucky, he mused, that Itachi hadn't gouged his eyes out with those very nicely manicured nails for making such a request. Most people who attempted this scheme ended up a shuddering mess, having been forced through the lecture aptly titled "What will happen to you if you go near my baby brother again, you little fuck". It even had pictures. Graphic pictures.
And nobody had been spared thus far. Men, women, even that little hermaphrodite, Haku, had been thouroughly traumatised by what Naruto liked to call "The scary-as-fuck big brother complex".
Perhaps he was insane to have approached Itachi. He supposed that it had something to do with the fact that he was puking-chunks drunk when he burst into Itachi's bedroom at two in the morning and slurred out that he wanted to fuck Itachi's brother into the mattress (or Itachi's brother could fuck him- he wasn't fussy). The way Itachi shrieked and fell out of bed, leaving his lover, Kisame, blinking bemusedly as he woke from a deep slumber, may have been funny if Itachi hadn't looked so homicidal.
It was slightly embarrassing, being dragged from the room by a slender man who, despite his looks, could snap a man in half with his pinky. Naruto was thrown, bodily, into a broom closet, and woke up the next day with Itachi standing over him like an extremely attractive grim reaper. His scream had put Itachi's to shame. He had then remarked that he could see up Itachi's scandelously short, crimson silk robe. The view was not unappreciated, as Itachi bore more than a passing resemblance to his little brother.
The resultant kick had left Naruto with a lump on his head that would have made Sakura proud.
Surprisingly, though, Itachi had decided that Naruto was worthy of his brother. Well, his actual words were "My brother is socially inept and seems to regard you as the only one worth associating with, so don't screw this up, or your remains will be found in a woodchipper three days from now". He had then offered to show Naruto pictures of somebody's remains that had been found in a woodchipper, but Naruto had declined. He sincerely hoped that Itachi had gained access to those pictures because of his late father's connections with the police and his hacking skills, not because he had committed a nefarious crime.
Despite Itachi's (skewed) reasoning, Naruto had no idea how he had passed the test. Perhaps the whole idea was to drunkenly trespass in Itachi's house, blatantly perv on the man, and get beaten up by said man in retaliation.
Whatever the reason, Naruto was now stood in front of the toughest, meanest people he knew, clad in only his boxers and shivering. These three could put Simon Cowel to shame. All were openly gay, all knew how to look good, and all were sadistic bastards.
"Well, well," Itachi said slowly, his red contacts making him look more evil than normal, "Perhaps we should see what we've got to work with. Deidara?"
"On it, un!" Deidara said brightly, producing a tape measure from somewhere. Naruto didn't want to dwell on where somewhere was, because the thought was not a pleasant one.
"Shit, your hands are cold!" Naruto yelped as Deidara began to measure every available body part- including the length of his eyebrows, for some unfathomable reason.
"Quit your fucking whining," Hidan said, running a hand over his slicked back hair.
"Why do you have mouths tattooed on your hands?" Naruto asked Deidara, his short attention span dragging his thoughts away from retaliation against Hidan's order.
"I'm an artist," Deidara shrugged. Naruto nodded understandingly. Everybody knew that artists were batshit crazy.
"What's that?" Naruto asked nervously as Itachi opened a black box and took out several pieces of white cardboard. Was Itachi going to give him fatal papercuts? He flinched as they were pressed against his face. Itachi sure did smell nice, though...
"Skin tone- caramel," Itachi said, drawing back, "As I thought,"
Naruto smiled goofily, leaning closer to the source of that scent...
"Naruto, stop smelling me," Itachi sighed, rolling his eyes. Deidara and Hidan turned their laughter into hasty coughs behind their hands. Naruto noticed that their nails were all painted the same shade of crimson. What was this, the Bottoms Anonymous Club?
Naruto stopped sniffing Itachi dejectedly. Why did he smell so nice?
"Save it for my brother," Itachi told him, "You strange child,"
"I'm not a child!" Naruto told him, "I'm 18 now, so there!"
He belatedly realised that he had proven Itachi's point when he stuck his tongue out childishly.
"Are you trying to make your brother happy or fucking torture him?" Hidan asked curiously, admiring himself in the mirror. Let it never be said that he wasn't narcissistic.
"A little of both," Itachi said casually, "He did film me and Kisame in bed and sold it on a sleazy porn site,"
"I bought a copy for Kakuzu's birthday," Hidan said with a snigger, "It was money well spent. That was some kinky shit,"
"I'm glad that you find my private sex life interesting," Itachi said dryly.
"Fuck yeah!" Hidan crowed, "Have you ever measured Kisame's dick? I was trying to estimate, but it was always in your-,"
"Can we please talk about me and Sasuke?" Naruto interjected with a shudder.
The three men slowly turned to face Naruto with a gleam in their eyes and a smirk on their lips. Naruto gulped.
Itachi pulled on some gloves with a snapping sound. Deidara pinned his hair back, still grinning dementedly. Hidan produced a pair of painful-looking tweezers. Then, they advanced on him.
"No, no, NO!" Naruto yelped, scrambling backwards across the floor like a crab, "I've changed my mind!"
The stopped their advancement.
"But Naruto," Itachi said, doing a good job of acting sympathetic, "You don't have much of a choice in the matter,"
The three grinned in unison. Naruto quickly checked his pants. Nope, he hadn't soiled them.
"Hey," he said fearfully, staring at the tweezers, "What are you planning to do with those?"
"Bushy eyebrows are ugly as fuck," Hidan snorted, "Now hold still,"
With the help of Itachi and Deidara, Naruto was held down as Hidan sat on his stomach and began to pluck at his eyebrows like a pro.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Naruto yelped, tears streaming down his tortured face.
"I love the swearing," Hidan said, "But your lack of masochism is disappointing as fuck,"
"Get off me, you crazy bastards!" Naruto bellowed, "This is assault, I tell you!"
"Actually, it constitutes a battery," Itachi pointed out as he looked over nail polish colours while sitting on Naruto's arm to keep it in place, "The actus reus of battery is the immediate application of unlawful force-,"
"I don't give a shit. No way are you- OW, MOTHERFUCKER!- putting that girly crap on my hands!" Naruto bellowed.
"Well, aren't you the boring little man," Itachi said dryly, "I suppose we'll just have to tidy these awful callouses and ragged nails,"
"What have you been doing with these hands, un?" Deidara asked, sounding amazed as he examined Naruto's fingers, "Did you hold them to an angle grinder or something?"
"What's wrong with my- Ow!- hands?" Naruto demanded. The three sent him dubious looks, as though he was the insane one.
"I think we'll be able to salvage them to some extent," Itachi said, "Deidara, pass me the manicure kit,"
Deidara tossed a bag to Itachi, who caught it, and began to take out all manner of torture devices that wouldn't have looked out of place on a horror film. In next to no time, Naruto was wincing as Itachi and Deidara submerged his hands in hot water. Hidan finished and stood up, leaving Naruto feeling winded. Deidara and Itachi then scooted off Naruto's arms. The sensation of all of that blood rushing back into his fingertips caused Naruto to yelp.
"Ow!" he said, "Pins and needles!"
"You're such a girl, un!" Deidara said. Naruto took extreme offence to this remark, since Deidara was the exact opposite of a shining example of masculinity.
"Fuck you, tranny!" Naruto said, sticking his tongue out. He promptly regretted his remark when Deidara plucked his hand out of the water and showed him an evil-looking nail file. Then, Deidara began to file his callouses, as did Itachi.
"Shit, that feels weird!" Naruto said, attempting to flex his fingers and spying a pair of oddly-shaped silver scissors in Itachi's hands, "Hey, what are they?"
Itachi began to lower them to his hand.
"Argh!" Naruto screamed, "No! Not the fingers! Not the fingers!"
"Is this fucking kid for real?" Hidan asked flatly.
"Unfortunately," Itachi said, clipping Naruto's cuticles, which appeared to be so ragged that clipping them was the only thing he could do. Naruto was then forced to watch as his nails were filed and polished, and then his hands were smothered in moisturiser, and he wasn't allowed to move them for twenty minutes.
Things continued in this manner for several hours. The fab three did things to him that he had never even heard of. A weird paste was smothered on his face, his hair was trimmed, and they even drew straws to see which one had to trim Naruto's pubic hair. Deidara lost, and Naruto whimpered all the way through the procedure, only too aware of what he'd said to Deidara earlier.
Finally, he was coated in baby oil, much to his humiliation (Baby oil? For real?), and he was left to stand there in a fluffy white robe while the three aspiring beauticians (not really, but they could have been!) considered possible clothing choices.
"Not orange," Hidan said immediately, as Naruto recovered from his traumatic experiance, "It would make his skin look orange,"
"Green would look stupid too, un," Deidara commented.
"Blue," Itachi suddenly stated. The other two nodded and began to search through a pile of clothing.
"But," Itachi said. Hidan and Deidara looked at him curiously, matching sadistic grins alighting on their faces when they saw the gleam in Itachi's eye.
"Why have clothing at all?" Itachi asked silkily. There was a pause, in which Naruto looked horrified, and Itachi's henchmen looked awed.
"You're a fucking genius," Hidan said.
"There's no way I'm going to be naked when Sasuke gets here!" Naruto protested.
"I'd lend you my robe, but....," Itachi sent Naruto a smile that could be secretive, "It's a little...dirty at the moment,"
Naruto's jaw dropped.
"Continue," Deidara prompted.
"Gather round, ladies," Hidan joked, "It's fucking storytime!"
"Oh no!" Naruto said, shaking his head, "I do not want to hear about shark man screwing you into a wall,"
"You're a fucking dick, you know that?" Hidan said, "You're ruining our fun!"
"We should get him into Sasuke's room," Itachi conceeded, "And don't act like such a virgin in front of my brother, Naruto. He'll eat you alive. I know from experiance,"
"Ew!" Naruto grimaced, "Your brother, Itachi? That's disgusting!"
"I was talking about Kisame, not Sasuke," Itachi said, looking as though he was one stupid remark from leaping at Naruto and throttling him with a coat hanger.
If Naruto was honest with himself, it was kind of stupid of him to act surprised when Itachi locked him in Sasuke's room for two hours with only a bottle of water and a tube of lubricant for company. His stomach growled pitifully, and he wished that Itachi had locked some ramen in there with him.
Eventually, there was a sharp knock on the door. Naruto jolted out of a snooze and sat up.
"He's here," Itachi said in a sing-song voice. Naruto shuddered. He had come across many wrong things in his short life, but Itachi's sing-song voice topped the list.
The door opened and Sasuke walked in, yawned expansively, and choked on air. All in quick succession.
"N-Naruto?" he asked. It was a mark of how stupified he was that he had called Naruto by his real name.
"Have fun!" Itachi said, and slammed the door behind Sasuke. Naruto heard the key in the lock.
"What-?" Sasuke began.
"I want to date you but I didn't know how to get you to date me so I asked Itachi for help and him and his friends did strange things to me, strange things, I tell you, and it really hurt, how girls do that all the time, I don't know, and then they made me come in here naked because I couldn't borrow Itachi's robe, because he was being kinky last night, and-,"
"Wait, Naruto!" Sasuke said, interrupting Naruto's rambling. Naruto looked like a crack addict, with his wide eyes and jittery expression.
"Yes?" Naruto said in a small voice.
"So what you're basically trying so say is....," Sasuke said slowly, "You wanted to date me, and asked for Itachi's help to get me interested in you. Itachi and his crazy friends then gave you a make over and made you come in here naked, and- what was that about Itachi's robe?"
"Erm...," Naruto said.
"Fishboy had better sleep with one eye open tonight," Sasuke muttered darkly.
"Gill tattoos don't make you a fish," Naruto said wisely.
"Shut up, Naruto," Sasuke said.
"Shutting up," Naruto said, really really hoping that, if he was extra good, he'd get some ass today. Sasuke's ass, to be precise.
"As for the first part," Sasuke continued, "You could have just asked for a date,"
Naruto blinked several times as his mind slowly processed this new piece of information. So Sasuke was willing to date him all along? He visibly drooped. He hadn't had to torture himself into something resembling a model. Sasuke had wanted him already, ragged fingernails and bushy eyebrows included. It was a great thought, but, at the same time, Naruto was pissed.
"Did Itachi know?" Naruto asked.
"Of course," Sasuke said with a twitch of his lips. He looked as though he was trying to restrain the impulse to smirk.
"So that jerk sadistically tormented me for no reason?" Naruto demanded, angrily, "That fucking-!"
"I don't hear any moans!" Itachi sang through the door.
"We're getting to that part in a minute," Sasuke assured him as Naruto spluttered.
"Fabulous!" Itachi said. Naruto's eyes nearly crossed. If Uchiha Itachi using the word fabulous wasn't spectacularly gay and incredibly scary, he didn't know what was.
"Oh, and Naruto?" Itachi said. Naruto shivered.
"Yes?"
"Refrain from calling me a jerk in future, or I will let Hidan loose on your remaining pubic hair with those tweezers. Understood?"
Every word was spoken in the same tone that one would speak to their elderly grandmother with.
"Yes, sir," Naruto gulped.
"Excellent," Itachi cooed, "Now, Sasuke, don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
"You mean...like topping?" Sasuke shot back with a smirk.
"You do realise that I will be cooking tonight, Sasuke?" Itachi asked rhetorically. Sasuke's smirk slipped.
"Sorry," he muttered.
"Goodbye, boys," Itachi responded a tad too cheerily, "I'll be in the living room if you need any lubricant, handcuffs, whips, etcetera, etcetera,"
They heard him walk off down the hall, leaving a furious silence in his wake.
"Your brother's gay," Naruto pointed out intelligently.
"Yes, Naruto," Sasuke said, his eyebrow twitching, "Remember that time we had to sleep with cotton balls in our ears because him and Kisame decided to be stupidly loud?"
"No, I mean...he's really gay! Like, limp-wristed, glittery make-up, talks with a lisp gay!"
"Naruto, Itachi has never been limp-wristed, and nor has he ever talked with a lisp," Sasuke sighed.
"What about the make-up?"
"On occasion," Sasuke shrugged. Naruto accepted that.
"I can't hear any man sex!" Itachi chose to holler at that moment, causing Naruto to leap a foot in the air and fall on Sasuke's bed. Sasuke smirked. Naruto gulped.
"Er....," Naruto said intelligently as Sasuke began to walk towards him, slowly peeling off his own clothes.
"I'll have to thank Itachi for reminding me later," Sasuke said. Naruto's last coherent sentence for the night was "I want to be on top first!", and then Sasuke was on him like a fat kid on cake.
They woke up the next day with mutual limps, glazed looks and mussed hair.
"Somebody got laid last night," Itachi said with a smirk. He was perched in Kisame's lap, feeding bacon to the huge man, as they walked in. Neither had the heart to glare at him as he continued to push pieces of bacon between his lover's lips. Naruto's goofy smile didn't slip once, and Sasuke didn't make one snarky comment, not even when Naruto knocked his orange juice over.
When they had finished breakfast, they stood to leave, not noticing the way Itachi's mischief-filled eyes followed them. They were intent on getting back to bed to discover whether Sasuke's old school tie could double as a sufficient restraint.
"You'll be pleased to know that I've already received six orders since I advertised a wonderful DVD of your activities," Itachi said in honeyed tones, "It seems to be quite the hit,"
Naruto and Sasuke froze and turned to Itachi in horror.
"Turn about is fair play, baby brother," Itachi said deviously, stroking Kisame's hair like Dr Evil's attractive cousin.