Title: Mulder's Pet 'Pede III: The 'Pede is not Enough
Author: Adrienne
Rating: R
Spoilers: none
Classification: TRH
Keywords: Adventure, Romance, Humor
Archive: Anywhere
Summary: 'Pede runs away again; will Mulder and Scully find him?
Author's notes: This fic is dedicated to the AFML again. I hope AgentXena appreciates my Skinner characterization. UST, baby. Yeah. You should read Mulder's Pet 'Pede I and II before this one.
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, 1013, Fox, etc. So do the quotes that I ripped off and changed.
Feedback welcome. davephile@yahoo.com
http://members.dencity.com/general_store/
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Chapter I - Yes, It's Missing Again
Fox Mulder was driving home in the late morning on a Sunday, after an emergency trip to the gas station for some AstroGlide. He hummed along with his favorite song on the radio, which really put him in the mood for love; not just any love, but Dana Scully love.
He had left her in bed naked, smiling. After much debate, he had decided to leave his 'pede with her. After all, she seemed to be having a really good time with it, and Mulder hated taking the pleasure of stroking his 'pede away from Scully.
Mulder pulled into the parking lot and ran up the stairs to his apartment with his little paper sack. He bounded through the doorway, twisting the deadbolt and sliding the chain through as well in case The Lone Gunmen decided to pick the lock. He noticed a bit of Truth juice on the floor and laughed to himself. Scully must have taken the 'pede out for a walk; it was such a nice sunny day.
He walked casually into the bedroom, even though he was sporting enough wood to produce a thousand college textbooks.
"Honey, I'm home," he called, finding her still on the bed. She was sitting up with tears in her eyes and a frown on her face.
"Don't worry, baby, I got it," Mulder said, pulling out the AstroGlide. He was sad when she still had tears in her eyes. Maybe she was just incredibly horny. Suddenly, Mulder realized something was missing. Something was not right. Something...
"Where is my 'pede," he asked, his voice wavering.
Scully bit her lip, staring at her naked feet.
"Scully, where's 'pede?" he asked again, approaching the bedside table. Scully took a deep breath and looked up at him with misty eyes.
"It was being naughty, so I spanked it," Scully whispered, slightly embarrassed to admit her partiality to sadism.
"You spanked my 'pede?" Mulder asked, unbelieving. She had never spanked anything of his before. It was a very strange feeling, but not one that made him feel dirty.
"Yes," Scully said, her voice building confidence a little more. "It deserved it. It spit up Truth juice all over the bed. I changed the sheets and it did it again. So I spanked it, and it ran off. I couldn't find it, but I followed the trail over to the doorway..."
"Well it's gone now," Mulder replied, slightly angry. "Scully, next time you spank my 'pede, at least let me know so I can be around to watch."
"Okay," Scully answered, picking up her clothes and starting to get dressed.
Mulder phoned the only person he could think of who would know how to handle this situation. "Sir, I have lost my 'pede. Have you seen it?"
Walter Skinner, after answering the phone, scratched his chin, reflecting.
Skinner had no trouble remembering the last time he had seen Mulder's 'pede. It was in the FBI gym locker room, in the steamy hot showers--he had been surprised by its size, and curious about what it would be like to touch it. However, Skinner kept this to himself, but he had to turn around so that Mulder didn't see how rock hard his soap was getting.
"No, I haven't, Agent, but you are in big trouble. You had better come down for a good ass reaming," Skinner said. "I mean, I'm going to chew you out. Pretty bad."
"Scully will come too," Mulder said.
Skinner got a rather arousing mental picture in his head before he realized what Mulder meant. "Oh," he sighed. "I guess that's okay. Be here in a half an hour. Make sure you knock before you enter."
Mulder hung up and Scully was already dressed. "We need to haul ass to make it over to Skinner's office," Mulder said. "He wants to see us about my 'pede."
"I think he's always been interested in your 'pede, Mulder," Scully said.
"I don't like to think about that," Mulder replied. But inside he felt as if he were lying to himself. He thought that Skinner had seen his 'pede before, and wondered what the big bald man thought about it. He wondered if Skinner had a 'pede as big as his. He hoped that he would get to compare them someday.
Mulder shook his head. "Let's go, FBI woman."
Chapter II - Short Office Visit
"We're here to see Skinner," Mulder said as he and Scully brushed past Skinner's secretary Arlene.
"I know what you did last time," Arlene said, "I know you put the whoopee cushion on my chair. That wasn't nice, Agent Mulder, and make sure you knock before you enter."
"Agent Scully did it," Mulder said as he knocked and walked into the office. He heard a strange pumping noise coming from inside the office and looked at Skinner, who was behind his desk, holding something that looked like an air pump with a rather large plastic tube in his lap.
"Come on in, Agents," Skinner said, waiting patiently as they sat down. "I was just blowing up an air mattress in here. Under my desk. It's for my feet. To rest them on."
"Whatever," Mulder said as he shrugged. Scully leaned back and looked at Skinner.
"The 'pede is gone, Sir, and we don't know where it went," Scully said.
"It left because Scully spanked it," Mulder announced. Scully gave him an evil glance.
"Well then." Skinner gave his pump another hard shove. "I extend...my sincerest apologies."
"Thanks," Mulder said.
"Do you think your 'pede has reproduced?" Skinner looked at them with a stony cold stare, realizing the effects that this could have on humanity.
Mulder crossed his legs and put his hands on top of them. "Probably. I personally espouse the fringe theory called 'Panspermia'. It's the belief that life originated..."
"Through sperm. Yeah," Skinner said, his voice straining.
Scully looked at Mulder and he looked away, trying not to laugh. Skinner watched the agents, slightly disgusted at their amusement over his use of the "s" word.
"You are free to go, Agents," Skinner said, flushing. "Find that 'pede. And bring it to me."
Mulder looked bewildered as Scully gave him an "I-told-you-so" look. Then they left, but they didn't make it through the door before they cracked up in laughter about Skinner saying "sperm."
Skinner threw a paperweight at them and missed. Dejected, he lay his head in his hands and cried about the nanotechnology in his blood system.
Chapter III - Out Back side
Mulder and Scully walked out of the FBI building, wondering what the hell to do next.
Suddenly, Mulder noticed a bird perched on the back bumper of a taxi in front of the building. Mulder walked up to look at it, as it was a pretty blue and red color. His mother was an ornithologist at heart and he had inherited her way with birds. His eyes drifted and he saw something that didn't look like it belonged on the bumper of a taxi.
"What is that? Next to it...is that...ugh, oh my, ugh! Is that brain? Is that brain matter...there?!?" Mulder cried.
"No... I'd say that's...not brain matter," Scully concluded.
"Scully, are you packing any latex?" Mulder turned his head and looked up at her.
"Sure," Scully said, whipping out a string of ten VibraLube Gold condoms and arching her eyebrow. "But here in the street, Mulder?"
"Gloves, Scully. Gloves."
"Right." Scully whipped a pair of gloves out of her left coat pocket and tossed them down to him. Mulder put them on and ran his finger across the bumper.
"Truth juice," Mulder whispered, realizing something.
"How did Truth juice get on the bumper of this taxi?" Scully asked, looking at Mulder quizzically.
"I didn't do it!" Mulder cried. "It must have been 'pede. He must have hitched a ride."
"That must have been a sight to see," she answered, laughing. Mulder laughed too. Then he looked at the cabby and back at Scully, and then he walked up to the front of the taxi.
"Can you tell us where you went last?" Mulder asked, whipping out his badge. "I'm a Special Agent."
"No, but I can take you there," the cabby said with a sneer. He drooled over Scully and she looked at Mulder and rolled her eyes. Finally, Mulder and Scully hopped in the back of the cab. The cabby reset the mile counter and began to drive.
Mulder looked over at Scully, who had her hands up her skirt slightly, adjusting her pantyhose. He remembered that he had watched a porn the night before that had people doing it in the back of taxis, and decided to see if Scully was into that. He leaned over and kissed her hard.
"Muldddrrr," she said against his mouth, "Wrrrnnnnatxxxiii."
"We can get coffee and doughnuts later, Scully, right now I want to do it in the back of this taxi."
Scully pushed him off. "We're in a *taxi*, you dipshit."
"I know." Mulder looked very sheepish. "I guess you aren't as kinky as I thought."
"I'll show you kinky when we get home," she answered, opening her trenchcoat to expose several spray cans of whipped cream, handcuffs, and a cat o' nine tails.
"Okay," Mulder sighed.
The cabby stopped the taxi near a forested park area close to the Washington Monument. "This is where I last stopped," the cabby said. "It will be $10.13."
Mulder gave the cabby the cash and they got out and found a trail into the forest.
Chapter IV - I Once Was Lost But Now I'm Found
Mulder and Scully followed the path through the forest. "Look, Scully, there is Truth juice on this path," Mulder said excitedly.
"Yeah," Scully said, walking behind him. They heard a monkey cry out as it swung from vines in front of them. "I think it leads into that thicket over there."
"Stay back," Mulder said, inching closer to the thicket. "It may be pissed at you for slapping it around."
"I did not slap it around!" Scully cried. "You're just jealous."
Mulder nodded, and inched closer. He parted the thick brush with his hands and looked in, seeing a giant pool of Truth juice surrounding a little nest of sticks, grass, and mud. Inside the nest Mulder saw his 'pede. It looked longer than before; he grinned, knowing that Scully would be very happy with the new length.
"Scully?"
"Yeah?"
"It's a nest," Mulder said, motioning for her. She walked up and looked in. "'Pede is in there, Scully...and he's longer." Mulder turned his head to see her reaction. It was one of confusion.
"Mulder...he's not longer," Scully said.
"Yes, he is, Scully! I measure it every day--you think I'd know," Mulder replied indignantly.
"No, Mulder," Scully said, reaching her hand in and grabbing the 'pede gently. She pulled it and Mulder bit his lip, whimpering as she wrapped her fingers around it and squeezed.
"Pull it out," he whispered. "Slowly, Scully."
She pulled it out slowly, and it came loose, leaving half of the 'pede in the nest.
"OH SHIT!!" Mulder screamed, hugging himself. "You broke it! You broke my 'pede in half, bitch!"
"I did nothing of the sort," Scully said as 'pede curled up in her arms. "What we have here, Mulder, is another 'pede. I think your 'pede has been...mating."
Mulder looked astonished for a moment, before he realized the effects that Scully's new theory could have on humanity. "How would this happen?" Mulder cried.
"Birds and the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder," Scully explained. "And now we can throw 'pedes into the mix."
"Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MD's do it," Mulder said, waggling his eyebrows.
"Some get to do it more often than others," Scully countered, giving him a knowing Scully look. Mulder then felt like he had been neglecting Scully's sexual needs and he held back tears of frustration as he directed anger at himself. Then, he decided that it wouldn't be so bad to shag Scully rotten that night.
Mulder reached into the nest and pulled out the other 'pede. It was smaller, but it curled right up in his arms, drooling a small bit of Truth juice. He sighed, loving the feeling of warmth the 'pede brought to his loins.
All of the sudden, as he looked back in the nest, his tears of frustration turned into tears of joy as he saw a baby 'pede squirming around in the nest.
"Awwww, it's a baby 'pede!" Scully exclaimed, a look of pure happiness on her face. Mulder felt streams of love for her in his heart, realizing Scully's strong maternal instinct. "Can I pick it up?"
"Yes, but don't strangle it," Mulder said as Scully lightly put her hands on the baby 'pede. "You just want to shake hands with it. 'Hello, baby 'pede. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.' 'Oh, no, no, Ms. Scully. The pleasure's all mine.'"
Scully cradled the baby 'pede in her free arm. 'Pede and his mate looked on fondly.
"Now we have three 'pedes," Scully sighed. She thought about the implications of having these three 'pedes in their household. She wondered if she would be able to handle them all at once. She wondered if she would be able to satisfy them all and Mulder as well.
She shrugged. "So I guess we can go home now."
Mulder kissed her forehead. "Yes, we can, Scully. Do you think you can handle having three 'pedes?"
"I think the question is whether you can handle three 'pedes," Scully answered, looking concerned.
"I've got two hands and I'm sure I can find another appendage that will work to take care of them with," Mulder replied. "Things will be fine. We will live happily with our 'pedes, Scully." He wrapped his free arm around her shoulders. "They can be our children."
"Oh, Mulder," Scully whispered, looking up at him with dancing blue eyes. They kissed passionately, realizing that their family was now complete.
And then the Agents, glowing from the new life recently introduced into their lives, walked home into the sunset with 'pedes in hand.
THE END