AN: So I was reading through epic monsters like Silver Queen's Dreaming of Sunshine and ShaperV's Time Braid and I start thinking, wow, stories with Sakura as a kick-ass central character or semi-realistic self-insert fics are pretty under represented here. That led into curiosity at the self-insert tendency to only have the author end up in the story, and this is the result.
Disclaimer: Do I really need to put this in? Oh well, Naruto and other affiliated intellectual property is not mine, it is Kishimoto's. In fact, anything within this work of fiction that can be described as intellectual property does not belong to me, in accordance with the Creative Commons legislative guidelines and so forth(and the prophecy). Be happy, I'm never repeating this.
Prologue: An Unassuming Start
"Huh. Either popular Abrahamic beliefs are wrong or I have simply not been judged well enough to make it into heaven. Also souls either aren't judged or they have the recollection of their judging erased. Still, it's comfortably warm, even if it is dark. I suppose that means I scored well enough that I got out of the downwards express elevator. Fitting anyway, since I never really put the effort into succeeding at anything, and not just refusing to fail."
"Wow. What on earth did I do to end up with such bad karma, so as to be stuck with a whiny little bastard like you for an afterlife? You've even got the irritating loner self-pity crossed with nerdy philosophical self-reflection. Great. I think I'd almost rather be reborn as an ant or a cockroach. Americans."
"Oh, give me a break, woman. Until you piped up I was effectively alone, so I thought to myself. There doesn't seem to be a particular surfeit of anything else to do here, or have you noticed the complete lack of mobility involved in our situation? Adding on to that, I would ask you both not to jump to conclusions; as I am a Canadian thank you very much, as well as at least attempting to refrain from maintaining an internal monologue expressing those conclusions-in addition to keeping us trapped immobile the current conditions are preventing us from separating our internal and external trains of thought."
"Ooh, look at me, I'm a rich-ass North American male who is obviously much more intelligent than the Indian woman just because my ridiculously wealthy North American parents paid for an overpriced post-secondary education that is soo superior to the standard level of education available in South Asia. It couldn't possibly that I just have had a surplus of opportunity handed to me on a unobtanium platter, so it must be that I am the most intelligent person around. Not only that, but I have to show off my fancy knowledge by acting absurdly posh and English all the friggin' time, because even if it's stereotypical it's still true that sounding like a Brit makes you seem more polite."
"Hmph. Ass-north. Man, that always cracks me up. Look, I'm sorry if I've offended you, I tend to be overly verbose, because I'm a shut-in who just reads all the time instead of actually going out, making friends, and generally having a social life. The sounding British when I get het up is another of my less favourable traits, though it's less explainable than being overly verbose. In fact, I don't actually know where that habit's origins are, so I've labelled them as hailing from watching too much Monty Python."
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, the car was just so fast and it came out of nowhere and it was just all a blur as she lay there unmoving. Okay, nobody who likes a webcomic so awesome as to have ball pit apartments can be that bad, even if they are an over-privileged Canadian ."
"Well then, as responsible adults, we should probably leave the pointless arguing part of childhood behind and work together to see what we can do about our environment to make it more palatable, no?"
"Why not? I'd like to be able to move again as soon as possible, staying still is starting to shred my last nerve. I've already begun to resort to over the top sarcasm, and if this keeps up I'm afraid I'll end up using violence, allegorically if necessary."
"To work then. First off, both of us have experienced and are experiencing the sensation of being held immobile, yes?"
...
"That wasn't a rhetorical question by the way."
"Oh. Oh right, I do feel that way."
"That should mean that we have some form of body right?"
"Yeah! That does make sense. Doesn't that mean we've been reincarnated in some fashion or another?"
"That wasn't rhetorical, but yes, reincarnation is the most plausible explanation. Moving forward with my previous train of thought, I don't feel weightless, which also lends credence to the Samsara cycle theory. I suppose I should offer my congratulations. Anyway, to verify, so far all of our sensory inputs we've examined have been identical, including my initial observations regarding the lack of illumination and the pervasive warmth."
"Yup. If I had to put a tentative direction to my weight, the vector would be about 30 degrees behind what I identify as my center and almost perfectly aligned perpendicular to my levo-dextro axis. You?"
"Ditto. Now that we're both on board, is there anything more you can add? You've mentioned preferences for being physically active, so I trust your kinesthetic senses and sensory interpretation skills much more than mine."
"Now that you bring it up, I am feeling something of a slight squeezing sensation. It's not really much though."
"Squeezing? Quick-is it concentrated on the part closest to being down?
"Uhh...maybe? Why? Does it really make a difference how the physical vessel we're inhabiting together is oriented though? It's not enough to be uncomfortable, even if we spent years in this position."
"It'll make a gigantic difference if we're being reborn as mammals again. Hold on to your nonexistent hat and fight through the pain! If I'm right, that squeezing sensation is going to get more and more intense faster and faster, and we're going to be shoved headfirst through someone's vagina."
...
...
"You're a guy. Where are you getting this information on the birthing process?"
"Well thanks for ruining my dramatic proclamation. To answer your question, my last high school biology teacher could never think up another example of a positive feedback mechanism in the human body. Trust me, the fancy education has some rather large awkward drawbacks. For example, I can now legitimately describe myself as Dr. Heteronormative."
...
"Nothing? Apparently that was too obscure enough of a webcomic reference. Pity."
AN: Props if you get all of the references. Double props if you leave a constructive review, especially with regards as to tips on how to bring my characters inflections and behaviors to life. Offers of beta-dom, praise, and suggestions of possible character names, origins, personality traits, appearances and abilities get triple props and an internet cookie. Seriously. Not only will the internet install a cookie on your computer, but I will be extremely grateful and near guarantee your suggestion showing up in the story in some fashion. Thanks.