Yuffie's In-Etiquette
Thanks for taking time to read this fan-fic. It is intended to be my attempt at being funny in a weird, crack way. I don't expect you to laugh nor review, but your opinion is welcomed. I don't own Final Fantasy VII!
The sun wasn't shining and there were various clouds in the sky as it snowed heavily during the last few weeks of the year. The whole gang were cooped up inside the inn at Kalm, awaiting the yuletide celebrations, where they would shower each other with gifts and alcohol. Birds tweeted and twooted outside as Aeris, using the inn's kitchen, cooked breakfast for the whole gang: red steak for Barret, bacon and eggs for Tifa, noodles for Yuffie, fresh blood for Vincent (luckily, Aeris had the painters in that morning), roadkill for Red XIII, a cigarette for Cid and nothing for Cloud, for he was on a diet.
"Dinner is ready!" Aeris screamed up the stairs. A few seconds later everyone rushed downstairs into the dining room and found a seat. Everyone thanked Aeris for the breakfast as they tucked in, except Yuffie, for she had no manners! Once everyone had finished their breakfast they sat at the table at Aeris' request to discuss current events.
"So now that Shinra has relocated that cannon of theirs, what do we do?" Cloud asked.
"Blow it up, fool!" Barret cried, raising his arms.
"It'll be hard to get into Midgar though, Red XIII lost the bloody key."
"It ain't my fault!" Red XIII protested. "I had no where else to keep it.."
"Never mind." Cloud cut in. "We'll just jump from the airship, I suppose.."
"No way!" Yuffie cried. "I ain't shitting jumping from that height!"
Aeris sighed a deep sigh and wiped her mouth. "Yuffie, please don't swear!"
"...Sorry." Yuffie sulked. "It's not my fault though, if only I could learn some manners!"
As Yuffie cried tears and snot into her noodles Aeris came up with a capital plan.
"I've just had a thought." Aeris said.
"First time for everything." Barret sniggered. Everyone laughed, except Aeris.
"Eh?" Yuffie retorted, raising her head.
"Why don't I teach you manners?"
"Oh... goodie!" Yuffie sighed.
Later that night...
"This is really good of you Aeris." Yuffie clapped in delight as they both sat on her bed. Yuffie's bedroom was mess, with dirty knickers strewn about, as well as used tampons and syringes.
"It's fine... but... why is your room so messy?!" Aeris cried.
"Oh, shush. I'll clean it up somewhen."
"But we've only been here one day!"
"Look, are you going to teach me manners or not!?" Yuffie spat out, angrily.
"I am, I am! I suppose, to really help, we should take off all our clothes first." Aeris said quietly.
"Eh? But why?"
"To rub moisturiser on each other, of course!"
"Oh... that sounds like fun!" she replied, smiling eagerly.
Meanwhile, in Cloud's bedroom...
"Gosh, it is certainly taking a long time for Aeris to teach a lesson, isn't it?" Red XIII sighed.
"Yeah, she'll be bloody hours, so why don't we jus' start the game without 'em?" Barret laughed, as he nicked a fag from Cid.
"Oi! They're mine!" Cid growled, attempted to grab it back. Barret lit it up.
"Don't be so bloody selfish!"
"I ain't selfish, you freakin' munter!"
"Then you won't mind me takin' 'nother one!" Barret giggled, stealing another cigarette from behind Cid's ear. Cid clobbered him with the soiled pillow on Cloud's bed.
Back in Aeris' room...
Aeris and Yuffie were sat on the bed, putting their clothes back on and wiping the sweat away from their brows.
"Wow, that was fun!" Yuffie laughed. "But, I think we've swapped undies... I weren't wearin' these huge 'nan panties before."
Aeris stifled an embarrased laugh and shrugged it off. "Well, anyway, let's start this etiquette meeting. First of all, please state your name and what you enjoy, in an orderly fashion, of course." she smiled, whilst pouring a cup of tea for them both.
"Well... um... my name is Yuffie, and I like eating noodles. Um... oh! I like killing small animals, too." she smiled, clenching her fists and breathing heavily.
"Uh... all right, then. That was.. good! Good. But now I want you to say something along the lines of... 'My name is Ms. Kisaragi.', Ms. is very important, it shows you are single and ready to commit to a husband." Aeris smiled as she sipped her tea.
"Uh, Aeris. How old are these etiquette rules?"
"Shut your gob and do it!"
"My name is Ms. Kisaragi!"
"Good, very good. Now, remember to blush when you say it, if you are speaking a bloke."
"What?!" Yuffie cried in anguish. "How the hell do you make yourself blush?!"
"Yuffie! It is said 'how does one make oneself blush?', and I... oh, hell. This is going to be a long night, let's take a break." Aeris sighed, watching Yuffie light up a cigarette.
"Ok... what do you want to do?" she asked, taking a drag.
"Well... we could rub lotion on each other."
"Will that help me at all..?" Yuffie replied, confused.
"Yeah, sure, whatever.."
"...OK!"
Half an hour later...
"Phew!" Aeris giggled, putting her clothes back on again. "Now that is out of the way, we can continue. Now, Yuffie, tell me what you must do when a bloke is knocking about your bedroom and another bird is present?"
Yuffie thought for a moment, imagining that position... "I'd tell the slag to sling her hook."
"Wrong!" Aeris shouted, slapping Yuffie hard across the face. Yuffie rubbed it vigorously, only inches away from murdering her with her shuriken. "You let the bloke do what he wants! For example, and this is just an example... ahem, if he asks you to rip off your clothes and the trollop's then you do so, even if he wants you two to pillow fight."
"You what?! A bloke all sevens like that should be in the Scrubs, kept away from women!" Yuffie retorted, smoking a fag and looking strangely at Aeris.
"Not true!" Aeris laughed. "You should do it! Let's practice."
"Eh?"
Aeris stood up from the bed and picked up a pillow, throwing it at Yuffie. She ordered her to hit her back, yet Aeris wasn't aware of her strength. The pillow hit her hard, knocking her against the bedroom wall.
Meanwhile, in Cloud's bedroom...
"Cor, sounds like more bloody fun in there than here." Cloud sighed.
"That's cos we're spendin' it wit' YOU!" Barret shouted. Everyone laughed. But not Cloud.
"Let's just start the game without them!!" Red XIII suggested, as he unrolled the twister mat with his muzzle. "I don't think I can play, because I'm not a biped, but you lot can. And I've got the perfect idea to make the game more enjoyable."
"And what's that?" Cid asked.
"Well..." Red XIII begun. "...why don't you all take off your clothes and rub this lotion on each other? It would be easier to move about the mat.. and each other.. I'll just lie down and watch."
Everyone looked at Red XIII for a while.
"I don't have a problem with that, do you Cid?" Cloud asked.
"Nope, Barret?"
"Fine wit' it 'ere." he replied. They all started to take each other's clothes off. "Help me take off these shorts!" Barret asked Cloud.
"I can't! My hands are full with Cid's."
"Jus' use your mouth!"
Back in Aeris' bedroom again...
"Great! Great!" Aeris laughed. "Now, your bloke would expect you, most likely, to scream his name often, so let's just practice with my name, OK!?"
Yuffie giggled and hit her with the pillow as they jumped about on the bed. "OK!"
Both in bra and panties by Aeris' suggestion, Yuffie called out Aeris' name erotically, very loudly and very often as they hit each other with pillows, and Aeris did the same by calling out 'Yuffie'.
Vincent and Tifa's room...
"Sounds like excitement in the other rooms, doesn't it Tifa?" Vincent asked. He flicked through his magazine as Tifa flicked through the channels on a cheap TV in their room, sighing as nothing was on. Cait Sith slept in the corner, not disturbing their conversation.
"I guess so... it ain't half boring here. Nothing on the telly, either." she sighed, switching it off. "What'cha readin'?"
Vincent laid the book on his lap and looked over at Tifa. "Knives Weekly. It's a collection of knives and guns that.."
"That's nice.." Tifa laughed, cutting him off, before dropping a bombshell on him. "Have you ever been in love?"
Vincent recalled lost memories of the distant past... "Yes... I have. With a woman named Lucreacia. Oh, Lucrecia! How I long for your sweet scent, the scent of ancient wonders and old companionship, the sands of time would have ceased themselves if we.."
"All right! A yes or no would have done! Geez..." she spat out. He resumed reading his magazine. Tifa got up, noticing his attention was diverted elsewhere, snatched away the magazine from him and threw it on the fire, engulfing it in flames with a big WHOOSH!
"What the hell did you do..." Vincent begun, but Tifa had locked lips with his in a deep snog that seemed eternal; holding back the vomit from her alcohol infested breath, he returned the kiss.
Back in Cloud's room...
"Right hand, green!" Cloud cried out, laughing. He, Barret and Cid were lying on top of one another in their underwear, all wet and slippery from the lotion they had applied to each other. Red, on the other hand, was lain down on the floor, staring intently at the group. As he was watching, they all fell down in laughter as Cid slipped and knocked them all down.
"Shit! Get off me, Barret, you weigh a bloody ton!" Cid gasped.
"Piss off, do I!" he spat back, lifting himself off. Through the wall they could hear someone shouting Aeris' name constantly.
"Oh, for God's sake! How long is that gonna bloody go one for?!" Cid complained, lighting up a fag as he sat on the floor in his underwear. "I wonder what the hell they're doin', anyway."
"Pillow fight, maybe?" Cloud suggested. "Aeris used to make me... uh, never mind." he trailed off into a whisper.
"Hmmm.. I've got an idea!" Red XIII cried out, sitting up. "Why don't we have a pillow fight?! It sounds fun!"
"But you can't even stand, how will you play?" Cloud asked him.
Red XIII mentioned how he had acquired the skill aboard Rufus' ship and could stand up quite well on two feet now.
"Hmm... OK! Let's start!" Barret laughed. He picked up a few pillows from the beds and passed them around as everyone anticipated the game. Cloud, Cid and Red XIII shook in fear once they saw Barret had received the largest pillow, weighing in at two stone.
Cloud, Cid and Red XIII hastily ran around the room, half-naked and screaming as Barret chased them around with the heavy pillow, attempting to subdue them. Red XIII was hit first, sending him across the room back-first into the side of a bed, knocked out cold. Cid was actually quite quick, for his age, and managed to avoid Barret's 'Cross-Blow' for some time. Cloud, however, hiding behind Cid, did not see the 'Cross-Blow' coming. It hit him directly in the gob and sent him flying over to the bed next to Red.
Cid was the last person left against Barret, but he refused to go out without a fight. He pulled back his pillow and hit Barret in the chest as hard as he could with it. Barret did not feel it, and just laughed it off.
"Like a feather!" he chortled, whacking Cid back in the chest and watching as he quickly smashed into the wall behind the bed that Cloud and Red were lain, unconscious. Barret went over to all of them and slapped them awake.
"I'm bloody knackered." he exclaimed, sitting on the bed.
"Gosh," Red XIII sighed, waking up from the blow. "all of us, half-nude, covered in lotion and on this bed... what are we to do?"
They all looked at each other in suggestion.
Back in Vincent and Tifa's room...
"It is just me, Vincent, or can you hear 'AERIS! CLOUD! CID! BARRET! and RED!' every ten seconds?" she asked, passing him a lit cigarette as they lay underneath some bed covers together, naked.
"They must be playing cards, or something, Tifa." he retorted, taking a drag from the fag. Tifa kissed him again, inhaling his cigarette smoke into her lungs and ignoring the bra flying past their bedroom window. (''It slipped off!'' was shouted somewhere in the distance.)
Vincent shook his head as she drew away from the kiss.
Looking at him oddly, she asked: "What is it? Don't you find me attractive?" Smiling, she revealed a set of yellowed teeth, rotted with age, sugar and alcohol.
"Uh.. of course.. I do.." he trailed off.
The dining table the next day...
"So, you taught Yuffie some manners, eh?" Tifa asked, breaking the silence between the whole party. Mostly started by Cid, Cloud and Red XIII pulling out rubber rings to sit on.
"Uh... yeah... I sure did..!" Aeris laughed. Yuffie kept silent and still, head shoved down.
"Did she excel at anything?"
"Get your tits out she'll show you!" Aeris giggled, manically. Everyone gawped as Yuffie raised her head and kicked Aeris. "I mean.." she continued.. "..her tea making skills were excellent. Certainly great wife material."
"Oh.." Tifa smiled with dismay, Cait Sith entering the room.
"How's the cooking?" he asked. Cait had prepared this morning's meal. They all agreed on how good it tasted. "Good. I hope I didn't use too much oil; it was the only bloody thing I could smell this morning."
They all glanced at each other, faces red.