Trunks is a Nerd

by AurigaCapella

UPDATE: sequel complete! What would it be like if Trunks was a nerd and Pan was the suave, sophisticated one? All from Trunks' POV. Humor intended, but perhaps not fully achieved...

1. Default Chapter

            I don't know bout you, but sometimes it seems to me that fanfiction about Trunks always describes him as a hunky, buff, handsome, rich, intelligent man. Sure, that's what he is, but haven't you ever wondered what it would be like if he wasn't? Say, for instance, that he is more like the school nerd or something. Wouldn't that be great? Ahem. Perhaps not. But we'll see now, won't we? Enjoy my interpretation of a P/T romance in which Pan is the suave sophisticated one and Trunks is the underdog…heh heh…

           

******************

            Stupid people with their stupid remarks about clothing. At least my pants weren't half falling down like the majority of those punks wore them! And I did not snort when I laughed. Well, maybe a little, but it wasn't *that* funny! I mean that girl with the tattoo was almost howling!

            Okay, so maybe it wasn't just my snorting laugh that set off the howling. But tripping and plunging head first into a vat of Mrs. Snyder's orange jello wasn't entirely my fault! The floor was…slippery! Yeah! And my shoes were untied for a reason!

            Oh, who am I kidding? I am the clumsiest person on the planet. It seems to be a chronic attachment to my already-strange-laughter-tainted persona. How come dad is so suave and cool all the time? He's really got the 'I hate the world' mentality down. Chicks dig that stuff. Mom sure does, anyways. And why didn't *I* get any coolness genes? It just isn't fair.

            Still, the sun does feel rather nice on gelatin-drenched slacks and penny loafers. It gives one an odd sense of…orangeness. If that makes any sense at all… Oh, no! There's that dumb dog again. The dog that I am not afraid of, mind you. My therapist says that the only thing one can be afraid of is fear itself. But I am positively certain that my therapist, no matter how many degrees he may have, has never encountered Bubba. That terrier is horrific when his owner forgets to let him in! His bark sends shivers up my spine!

            Don't look at me like that. Terriers aren't all small! And this is a Norwegian terrier. There's a difference. Yes, there is!

            Nevermind, I'm trying to concentrate on making it past Bubba alive! Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Bubbles. Cotton Candy. Oh, ummm, an A plus math average!!!

            Few! I made it. That was a physically draining experience if I ever experienced one..heh heh… Oh, look. Dad's training again. He'll probably force me to let him use me as a punching bag or something. Or worse yet, try to train me again! That was awful. Don't want to do that again. Heh heh.

            Mayhap I can sneak by the ship without him noticing me…nope, guess not. Here he comes. Don't say anything unless you wanna be blasted to smithereens. He has a terrible bedside manner!

            "Trunks, you ninny! Why are you so pale? Aww, did you have a bad experience with the wittle tewwier?" Who needs a school bully when you have my dad? "Trunks, boy, we need to have a man to…uh…man chat." This is new. No, really, this is weird. He acknowledged my sex! Amazing!

            "What for, dad?"

            "Do I have to have a reason?? Go into the ship and wait for me there." Oh, no. Is he gonna try to train me again? Anything but that! Please!

            He's giving me that look. He's gonna kill me if I don't leave now. Okay, okay, I'm going. You'd better come too. The ship itself is actually pretty cool. Mom showed me all the schematics and technical stuff about it. You want me to give you a rundown on its 'moving parts?' (chuckle snort chuckle)

            No? Oh. Well, you're missing out on a very exciting field of information. Anyway that doesn't matter now. I'm about to die. Or at least be beat up within an inch of my petty life. Alas, life as a rose withers, loses its luster, and crumbles into the ravenous dust below.

            Me? A poet? Nah. I just like being dramatic once in a while. I hear chicks dig that stuff. I just never try it out on account of the fact that whenever I see a chick, I get nervous and sick and sometimes even throw up. Not on the floor, of course. I'd never stoop so low as to throw up on the *floor!* What a silly thought. (chuckle snort chuckle)

            Uh oh. Here he comes. I can hear him stomping through the lawn. Sense him, you say? Well, I've heard that saiyans are supposed to be able to do as much, but I never learned. I am above such things.

            "Trunks, come here." Strange and exciting stuff happening here, folks. Why hasn't he called me brat within the last three sentences? I'm scared. Hold me.

            Ack! Not literally! You're choking me! (gasp) Thank you for giving me a near death experience to practice for dad's 'chat,' I appreciate it. Oh, dad looks impatient. I'd better get over there.

            "It's time that you got over this continual fear of everything." Hey! I'm not afraid of everything…take bunnies! I'm not afraid of those! Then again I did have that dream about Fuzzkins once… "…time that you learned the fundamentals of self-defence…" Uh oh. He was talking and I missed something. I hope there's no quiz or anything. "…so from now on every morning you will be training with me." What? No! Every morning??

            "But dad, I-"

            "Shut up, brat." That, at least, makes me feel better. "You'll do as I say, and that's final!" Wow. That was loud. And filled with anger. I think I'll let him control me just this once. My stupid glasses are falling down again! Don't you hate it when that happens? I thought I was sticky enough to ensure their stability.

            "Why are you orange, boy?" He looks surprised. That's a new expression.

            "I, uh…waspumumblemublemumblejello." I hate confrontations.

            "Speak up, boy!" Ack!

            "Jello! I fell into a vat of jello!"

            "Orange jello?" No, neon green jello that glows when you wear it.

            "Yes, sir."

            "Why'd you do that?"

            "I slipped. The school floors are really slippery, dad. I think we should sue."

            "Nevermind, boy, I'm hungry. Go away." Thanks for the hospitality, dad. Well, I guess there's no use standing around in this den of brawn. That is, unless you changed your mind about that little technical chat? Oh. Well, it's your loss. Follow me to the food!

            Yeah, I know our lawn is a little dry, but it hasn't rained in a while. Don't say anything to mom about it. She's obsessed with her beautiful lawn. She spends all her time spraying it and watering it. It's no use. It's still dry.

            Hey, there she is! Over there! No, not there, there! Where my finger is pointing! I wonder what she's doing?

            "Hey, mom."

            "Hi, Trunks! How was school? Oh my goodness, you are covered in orange jello!"

            "Yeah, I noticed." (chuckle snort chuckle)

            "Well get those clothes off this minute and take a shower, young man! And do not expect me to put up with such obvious disrespect for the cleanliness of my home! Go!" Well, you can never say my parents aren't dominant people. I'd better go. My parents aren't in the best moods today. Nor are they in their worst. Until tomorrow, then.

***************

            She is absolutely gorgeous, isn't she? I could almost faint. I wouldn't though. I mean, I'm tough. Tough men do not faint. (chuckle snort chuckle)

            You know her? Her name is Pan. Pan Son. Wow. She's really something. I mean, her family is nowhere near as rich as mine, but she's still the most popular girl in school. And why not? Her hair shines like the breast of a raven, her eyes glow like hot coals in a smoldering fire, and her cheek…uh…does something poetic. I ran out of analogies. I do that sometimes. Sorry.

            I could sit here eating my pork pie and gaze at her forever. But alas, lunchtime is too often cut short and my obsession is too often suppressed. Still, I'm not the only guy in school who's gone over Pan. If you'll simply look to your left, you'll notice her famous fan club. That whole group of guys is dedicated to get Pan to date at least one of them. It's kinda sad. She must hate so much attention sometimes, you know? I don't, I'm just assuming.

            Ack! The bell just rang! She's gone. Well, I'd better get to calculus. Join me? No? Wow. Guess you aren't the intellectual 'type.' (chuckle snort chuckle)

******************

            Hey, you're here (cough cough) just in time to see me beat up by my dad. I'm sure I'm going to get at least a black eye out of this. It's not going to be pretty. Mayhap you should OW!

            "Dad! I wasn't ready!"

            "Do you think the enemy will wait for you to be ready?" Well, yeah, this *is* DBZ…

            "No, dad."

            "Then stay alert and block my attack, boy!"

            "Yes, dad." This stinks. I hate fighting. It's so…difficult. And painful. Yeah, that's the word for it. Wait a sec, you feel that? It's something that's in the air, but inside me too. You don't feel anything? Strange, I could have sworn I felt-

            "Hey, dad, that hurt!"

            "I told you to stay alert! Didn't you feel me coming?"

            "Well, I felt something. That was you?"

            "You mean you've never sensed me before?"

            "I always thought seeing you was sufficient." Why is he looking at me like that? He looks…bewildered, or as close to bewildered as dad can get. Did he think I could always sense him? Well, mayhap I could. I guess I always know when they're home. I thought that was the hold of kinship or something (chuckle).

            "I suppose we should work on sensing before we spar, then." Thank you very much, Johnny! I am saved!

********************

            Well, now is not a good time. Mom and Dad are fighting again. It's strange, they always fight so badly I think they'll kill each other, and yet I know they love each other. I have a demented family.

            "I am not your SLAVE, VEGETABLE!"

            "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME??"

            Yikes. Mayhap you should go see what's going down at the café or something.

            "VEGGIE VEGGIE VEGGIE VEGGIE!!!"

            "WATCH IT, WOMAN!"

            You know what? I'll come with you.

            That happens all the time, so I'm used to it. Yeah, I know we have a dysfunctional family. Didn't I already say that? Okay, I used a different word, but…you sure are picky! Nevermind, here's the café. Yup, isn't it cool? I come here for the chicks.

            Okay, okay, I come here to look at the chicks.

            Fine! I come here to listen to the chicks!

            Stop it! I'll tell you the truth. I come here to sit in a corner, drink tea, and pout over my single status. You happy?

            So there's my special table. I use it all the time. Wait, a minute, someone's sitting there! Why I oughta…do something…nice for the big strong man sitting at my table! Quick! Smile and act as if you wouldn't dream of sitting there! Let's sit here at the window instead. I hate that other table anyway. It's so cut off from the world.

            Looks like table-stealer is talking to a girl with dark…black…hair…is that who I think it is? It can't be. Pan? Pan likes buff men?

            Me? Nah, I'm not buff. Well, yeah I've been training for a while now, but…well, no, I haven't really looked in the mirror lately. Why? Okay, I'll look in the window, but I don't see what's so…oh. I see. I guess I have gotten stronger. But I still am nothing compared to that guy. This stinks. Now she is taken. My life is over. Could you do me a favor and shoot me in the head?

            Where'd that come from? I like my glasses. They're very stylish. Whaddaya mean, for the 70s? They're modern! Contacts? Fine. I'll try them, if you think they'll help me. Could you perhaps possibly put in a good word for me the next time you see Pan? Thanks, you're a great friend!

            So, you want coffee, tea, hot chocolate, or water? Good choice. Me too.

"Hey, Joe! Come here!" Yeah, I know him. I come here a lot. They make good quesadillas.

*****************

            Hey, you're back. I'm kinda busy, but you can watch and listen if you want. Oh, this is my friend Goten. Now be quiet!

            "Hey, Trunks! Had a hard training session?" Why is he grinning like that? He's hiding something. Oh, and sorry about the whole me-not-wearing-a-shirt thing. It's really hot out here, and I just finished training. Dad's getting pretty tough!

            "Yeah. I have. Have had. Yup." He looks suspicious. Did he put glue in my sneakers again? Well, I guess I *would* have felt it, but still. Don't you think he's looking a little suspicious today?

            "Loosen up,Trunks. You look a little strained." I think that deserves a look. I'm giving him a look. "Do you do that purposefully or is that just a reflex?"

            "Hey, Goten, I'm already tired enough. Don't hit me in the shoulder like that!" It's in his eyes. He's gonna do something. But what?

            "So, Trunks, how was your day?" He's looking over my shoulder.

            "You're looking over my shoulder, Goten. Is there something there you don't want me to see?"

            "What? No! Of course not!" Ahah! I've got him! Wait a minute, there's nothing back there. Just some shrubs and stuff.

            "See? Oh, hey, Pan." What?? Pan is right behind me, isn't she? Goten just tricked me again, even though I knew he was going to do it, didn't he? I hate myself. You have that gun handy?

            "Trunks. Trunks! Turn around and say hello to Pan! You're being rude."

            "Goten, he seems a little tired. What I need can wait." What a voice. Like cool water running over smooth rocks in a peaceful jungle. Hold on, did she just say she needed something from me? I'd better turn around.

            "Uh, hi Pan." Why is she staring at my chest? She looks almost…surprised. Surprised about what?

No, I am not a stupid dolt! Didn't I tell you to stay quiet? Ack! My torso is naked! Hide me! Hide me!

            "Well, Trunks, I'm having trouble with uh…calculus. Yeah, calc, that's what it is. So I was wondering if you could show me how to do problem number 5 on the homework? That is, if you have the time…" That was unexpected. Pan never asks anyone for help.

            "Yeah! Of course! I mean, sure. I'll help you." How's my debonnaire smile look? Who asked you, anyway? "Would you like to come inside?"

            "Actually, I'm kind of in a hurry. I brought my book, so could you just show me here?" See a shirt lying around anywhere?

            "Sure." Okay, this is fine. Think happy thoughts. I don't want to sweat even more than I already am! I am calm. I am a feather. I am wafting.

            Thanks for falling asleep. You missed the entire Calculus problem! It was really interesting. Pan's hair looked magnificent. I mean…

            Forget I said that. Oh, I almost forgot. I have to do a report for social studies on the Hohenstaufen Dukes of Swabia. Yes, they do exist. Bye!

***************

            People suck. In general, I mean. Example: you know that buff guy from the café? Well somehow he found out that I helped Pan with her homework, but in a twisted way. So for some reason he thought I was trying to steal her away from him. But you know what yours truly found out? (chuckle snort…yours truly…I kill me) The guy never had her in the first place! She's single, I tell you! Isn't that great?

            The problem is, now this buff guy (his name is, surprise surprise, Chip) has challenged me to a battle in order to find out who gets Pan…which really reminds me more of the dealings in a baboon clan than normal human interaction. Two dominant males (okay, so that isn't the best description on my part) desire the 'company' (chuckle snort) of one female, so they duke it out, and the winner takes all. Perhaps Chip was raised by monkeys or something.

            And so this bozo seems to think that if he beats me he has all rights to Pan, even without her consent. He needs to be taught a lesson. But not by me! Hey, you have karate training, right? Couldn't you…uh…like wear a grey wig and plaid pants and pretend to be me? PLEASE?? I am going to DIE if I fight him!!

            Why not? It would only hurt for a few seconds. Besides, you're 'out there.' You wouldn't feel a thing. Whaddaya mean, I should fight my own fights? Where's the logic in that? Talk to Vegeta? No way. Nothing doing. He'd just laugh at me. There is absolutely nothing you can say that would get me to ask my father for advice.

            Pan likes me? You don't know that. I'm the school nerd. Nobody likes me as a rule. Yeah, I guess I can see where you're coming from. Dad is cool, so maybe he can teach me to be cool, and help keep me alive.

            Hey, how do you think dad would look in a grey wig?

****************

            Here we are at the door to the kitchen where we are bound to find my father gorging himself on the meatier human comestibles. You might want to close your eyes, he can get pretty disgusting when he eats. Here goes.

            "Uh, Dad?" OW! That stupid swinging door! It always swings back and hits me in the forehead! And now I am outside the kitchen again. With a headache. Avoid it next time? What a novel idea. If it could be AVOIDED that is. Sheesh. You of all people should know my dad loves pushing the door back to hit me in the forehead. Every day. Without fail. It actually gets kinda annoying at times. Let's try this again.

            "Dad?" He's laughing uproariously. It's amazing how he can get such a kick out of something he's done so many times before. "I need advice." He's still laughing.

            "DAD!!!" That got his attention. And ruined my vocal chords. Oh, well. "I need advice."

            "Well done, brat. You should let out your emotions in just such a way more often. It's not good for Saiya-jin to be silent all the time. Ask away." So all I have to do to get dad to listen to me is scream at the top of my lungs? Then again, that is mom's strategy when dad crashes the gravity room.

            "Okay. So I like this girl."

            "What girl?! You have no right to mate with any woman not of saiyan blood!" Mate? Wha?

            "Dad, I'm not mating with her, sheesh. I barely know her." His face is getting redder! Change the subject change the subject change the subject… "Anyways for one reason or another this other guy has challenged me to this completely unnecessary and neanderthalic 'battle' in order to see who gets…*cough* her *cough*."

            "A battle? Brat, you've finally gotten yourself into trouble. I commend you." He's ignoring me again!

            "But dad, what should I do? This guy is twice my size and he's really…really…" Uh oh. Eruption in five, four, three, two, one…

            "Twice your size? Since when does SIZE have anything to do with it, brat?" He's standing up. This is not good. How does he do that? I mean, he's so short, and yet he seems to be able to loom over me. "Are you insulting me, your father and the prince of all Saiya-jin?!"

            "No, dad. All I said was-"

            "Beat him up and take the spoils! It can't be that difficult! Muscles do not always prove unequalled power! You are a saiyan, and you will triumph, or you will not enter this house ever again!" SLAM! I'm outside the kitchen again.

            What do I do? Now, if I don't win this stupid brawl, I'll be disowned and end up working at a hotdog stand or something! Help me!

            Train? In the gravity room? Like DAD? You are actually suggesting I try to be like Vegeta, obsessing over the physical things in life with a one-track mind, always aiming to be stronger and stronger, whilst not really achieving anything beyond breaking my body into little tiny itsy bitsy pieces??

            Pan does like buff men, 'tis true. Okay, I'll do it. But I'm going to go slowly. I do, after all, have one…week…HELP ME!!

**********************

            Thanks for cutting out on me. Where were you? You missed my entire training week! Today is the day. Today I prove myself worthy of my father's blood. That or find myself hurtling headfirst into a trash can. Either one would be better than having this annoying anticipatory lump of ice in my belly. It's sickening.

            It feels like a lump of ice! I just told you that. Oh, har har very funny, but penguins are arctic creatures, and I don't think they'd appreciate the change of scenery. Yeah, that Coca-cola commercial was pretty funny. You know what commercial I like? That old pepsodent one with the jingle that goes "you'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with pepsodent!" Cute, huh? You know what's really funny, though? Goten heard this one: "You'll wonder where your teeth all went when you brush your teeth with dynamite!" (chuckle snort chuckle chuckle) Isn't that funny?

            That was uncalled for! You shut up! Hey, I have been training in the gravity room, buster, you'd better watch it!

            That's not fair. How come you're immune to all physical attacks? I wanna be immune to all physical attacks. No, I am not whining. I am not an idiot brain, you are! No, you are!

            Wait a sec, this is getting juvenile. You're a pretty childlike arguer. That's not a compliment. Heh heh. Just kidding, it was a compliment, only twisted to satisfy my strange argumentative whims. That didn't make any sense at all, did it?

            Ack! Here he comes! Big, lumbering Chip, the lifelong lifeguard of death! Now there's an oximoron if I've ever heard one. (chuckle snort chuckle)

            "Hey, nerd-buttocks!" Can't blame him for being un-original… "It's time to meet…your…DOM! I mean DOOM!" He sounds like one of those annoying pro-wrestlers when they attempt to sound intimidating but really come off as sounding like they're having major digestive problems. And what is with that cowlick?

            No, I am not saying this stuff out loud, are you insane? Hey, do you see Pan anywhere?

            "Ooh, haven't you got anything to say, you fairy?" Now that remark was just plain dumb. What? Fine!

            "That remark, Chip, my good man, was just plain dumb." Did I sound okay? Huh?

            "What did you say?"

            "I said, your derogatory remark-capabilities are slowing going down the proverbial drain, if you get my drift. I came to this conclusion following that very sad attempt you just now made at slander. It didn't work, buddy boy, but perhaps you'd like to try again?" His mouth is hanging wide open. He didn't understand any of that, did he? Perfect. (chuckle)

            "What are you laughing at?" He's fuming! This is great!

            "Why, your expression, of course. What else?" Was that eloquent enough? Huh?

            "Alright, smearface-"

            "Close, but no cigar. I'll give you one more chance before I pulverize you." Yeah, I liked it too. I heard it in a movie once. Very effective, I must say. His eyes are popping out!

            "Come here, lunkhead!" Here goes. We've gathered a good crowd, Chip-boy is pretty well blinded by his anger, and my shirt is off. How'd that happen? Did you do that?

            Focus. Okay. I can do this. I am a saiyan, and somehow that means something. I won't let him push Pan around! CRASH!

*****

            Hey, you okay? I heard something from your side a while ago, but I didn't think anything of it. Is that a lamp on top of your head? I guess you were knocked out, then. Well, you missed the entire fight, I guess. Who won? Let's just say I wasn't disowned by dad. And I'm suddenly getting tons of marriage offers from desperate chicks. Desperate but pretty. (chuckle snort chuckle)

            So I guess I'm not really an outcast anymore. The problem now is, Pan somehow thought I wanted to control her, seeing as how I won, and she stormed away from the fight. Yeah, she showed up halfway through.

            I really like her. Like whenever she isn't here, I miss her. Which is really weird because I never see my friend Jenkins anymore, but I don't miss him at all. Perhaps this is a different situation entirely.

            What should I do? I need her. And I'm positive that if only she really knew me, the real me, that she'd throw her arms around me and call me honey-bunny.

            I did not just say that! Erase it from your mind! Now!

            Blackmail? You wouldn't dare! Come here, you!

*********

            There she is, sitting beneath that lilac bush. Now that's romantic. Yeah, I have the book of poetry you helped me with, It's right…uh oh. It's not in my backpack! I know I'm a dork! What do I do?

            Wing it? You know I get nauseous whenever I try really talking to a girl! I need notes! A crib sheet! Anything!

            Okay, I'm calm. I can do this. I am wafting!

            Look at her. So content amongst the blooms, yet so unimaginably out of place. She belongs in a regal throne, high upon a dias of rubies and emeralds. Sigh. I'll try.

            "Ah, fair maiden, languidly resting in a sea of flora that does her no justice, her shimmering locks playing lightly with the ever adoring wind." She's looking up. What eyes! "Her eyes are raised, deep pools of blackest night, ever drawing my inhibitions out and caressing my very soul." Here comes a cool line I heard once! "Would that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!" Did I do good? Huh?

            She's just sitting there. You said she'd swoon! I see no swooning! No, I am not full of myself!

            "Did you write all that yourself, noble knight?" Hear that? She called me a noble knight! (chuckle snort)

            "'Tis the truth, but only in part, fair lady, for there was in that speech a single line I did not write."

            "It does you justice that you told the truth, good sir knight." We're having a poetic conversation! No one does that anymore!

            "I have done these things in order that I might apologize for any slight you may have felt because of my actions. A maiden such as you should not be forced to feel such emotions unprepared."

            "No need, good sir. I am a strong maiden; one who is very used to taking care of herself."

            "And I am a knight who does the same. But have you never felt, in the depths of your self, a pulsing need for something more? A fact arrives, at least in me, that though I can be One, I would much rather become Two, and in doing so make myself whole?"

            "Your roundabout tones, though confusing, carry with them logic. I, too, would very much rather become whole." Move closer? I guess so. Notice I have not yet thrown up. (chuckle snort)

            "So would a fair maiden such as yourself be willing to oblige a humble knight in such a venture?" I'm leaning, I'm leaning! You talk too much! This is supposed to be a romantic moment! Sheesh!

            "I may be able to drag myself into it." Kiss her? Ack! I don't think my stomach can…stomach it! (chuckle)

            Okay, I'll do it. She's looking up at me so expectantly. She's gorgeous. But you have to look away. Here, put this blindfold on.

*****silence and then the faint sound of bells in the distance*****

            I did it! I kissed her! And it was amazing! Wow! I am in love! Happy day! Happy day! Shooooooooweeeeeeeeee!

            Um, you can take the blindfold off now. Heh heh. I do not snort! You have no proof of that! Hey, that was just plain mean! Come back here! I'll get you yet!

((The Author of this story thinks that your physical health is currently in danger, and is now giving you the chance to avoid such a catastrophe. The only way to stop Trunks from beating you up is to type a review into the box below and send it in. Okay, so you could always just press the back button, but be nice! Review! Please?))

END (or is it? ***eerie scream***)

Okay, so it was a dumb ending. Hey, it was a very weird story. But I'm weird. So really, for me, it's pretty normal. And insanity is the only sane response to an insane universe!