Disclaimer: All rights to twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer, but we can all dream I guess- mainly about Cullen Boys :P
Memories of a Never Beating Heart: I have few memories of the life before the one I know now but the ones I do recall hold a special place- people whom I loved and lost and places I once knew. Some sad some joyous, most I have forgotten but the few I hold become more precious with each day I exist.
Everyone has different ways to describing the worst experience of their life be it in their life so far or just an overall experience that nothing else could possibly compare to.
For me the worst thing to happen in my life so far would be have to be put down to two days, these days....
We all have times where we feel like happiness seems to be the only thing that is steering your life ahead the thing that keeps you on track. Something to look forward to, to keep us from looking back towards the past for the answers we seek and helping us realise hope is really there- no matter how hidden it may seem. In these times it gets harder and harder to find this simple happiness amongst all the grief but when you do it is the best joy among all the hardships, something to help you find the strength to wipe away the tears and look forwards toward the future once again.
When I was younger I had ideas that maybe many children did. Like when I was 10 my parents told me we were moving house and to me this seemed like the biggest change my life had ever faced but now I see it was good reasons that now I understand as I look back with new eyes- eyes that have seen more of the world, more mature with a new perspective. To me this was a thing I thought at the age of 10 was the worst thing to happen to me. I loved my old and the memories it held within it walls – the stories it could tell if only it could, tears of sorrow and joy, first steps, first words, first experiences with the world, I loved this place it was part of me, part my childhood and I thought nothing good could come from moving from it but well I was proven wrong. Now I see that my new house created a new chapter in my life.
I know other people in this world have gone and possibly are going through things that can be described as far worse but I guess at this time this was hard for me.
Painful and lonely minutes slowly turned into hours before my tears-filled eyes but the pain still remained and then somehow the days turned into weeks before I knew and eventually months. I am not sure how many years ago these events happened but I remember the reason- quite clearly. For years it felt like a bad dream that I hoped to wake up from but you can't get hurt in a dream. This is what I remember mainly feeling like mainly. The events I speak of this time are the funerals of my grandparents- just over a year apart.
The way I remember my nana from that life was that she was an amazing person to say the least that was always, encouraging, giving, caring and loving and was always proud of us no matter how small the achievement was, she was always there for us to listen and to love. My granddad even though he had Alzheimer's for 6 years I will still always remember how when he saw any of us he used to smile. A smile I think could melt the heart of even the most frozen and ice-hearted person upon the earth, so heartfelt and genuine, it was always reminded of a childlike innocence unbeknownst to the hardships even just outside the door.
Remembering them for the wonderful and caring people they were is one way I was able to get through the grief.
I am looking around a dark place that seems to have little light to symbolise hope and happiness does not seem to exist. This place where I stand is a place at times none of us can escape from but somewhere that changes with us. This place is reality.
At first it was hard to grasp even the idea that one of the people I cared for in this world was gone. But two seemed like a never ending nightmare.
Death is a part of life we hear of it through our lives but yet are never prepared for it. Even if we know for a long time or didn't know at all we can never be prepared for what we feel or what we don't- a feeling of loss, confusion – where do we go from here?, pain, anger of why they had to be take from us and grief. We will never get used to death it's just a fact of life. Only the idea of death. Unfortunately this is a part of life and a part of my former life that shall always remember as something truly close to my heart.
They say we shall be with our loved ones again in time; we shall meet again – perhaps in heaven and be re-united once again but what I ask is.... What do we do for the time in between when all we feel is pain and loss?
I have a new family and a man I adore with all of who I am but my past life will always a part of who I am for eternity.
It's not until they're gone that we truly wish to gain the time that we lost when they were with us. I adored each moment I got to spend with them, - I have forever now but I wish then I had just a bit more time- to once more see them smile and hold me within their embrace and the warm feeling of a love filled beating heart forever within my memories of a now never beating heart.