Gary thinks he has it all, when really his whole life is unravelling around him. ShiShi. One shot.
Notes: In which I am sinful and attempt Angst! -screams of horror- This fic is OOC in too many ways -hides- The narratives all over the place. That's intended. Whether or not it makes sense is another story XD
AU: Our boys have been aged to about 16. I'll remind people again, it's slash, so if you don't like, don't read!
Summary: Gary has everything; the person he always desired, the life he always wanted. But eventually bubbles are broken, and everyone must face reality.
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Whatever You Wish
"I don't...I don't want this anymore."
He could barely believe what he was saying.
It was almost like awaking from a suffocating dream, and then coming to in a terrible nightmare.
They had been together for eight months, two weeks, three days and almost...six hours.
He had promised they'd always be together, but he had been the one to end it.
It was better this way, he told himself.
Ash would be happier without him.
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"Gary, is this...is this right? I mean, I don't know what my mom'll say. And what about Professor Oak?"
"Don't worry, Ash. You worry too much."
And then they kissed.
8
Ash really did worry too much, because Mrs Ketchum and Professor Oak had took it very well.
Gary had almost known, even before he'd told him, that his grampa would be fine about it. He'd told him one evening when nobody else was there, and the Professor had just smiled at him. Some wise, knowing smile, which often irritated Gary, but not this evening.
"So, you're all ok about it?" he'd asked.
"Of course I am. You're my grandson, and I love you whatever you are, whoever you choose to be with. And Ash is a wonderful young man."
Gary had grinned. More than anything else, he'd wanted the old mans approval. "Thanks gramps. It means a lot."
The Professor mussed his hair, his smile fond.
Gary waited for Ash, just outside his house, and couldn't deny he was a tiny bit nervous.
When Ash came out - in more than one sense, Gary relaxed. Ash's face was beaming and bright.
"She's fine. She's fine with it." he ran into Gary's arms and they hugged, tight and almost painful.
Mrs Ketchum had spoken to Gary the next day, always grinning and not at all upset. She'd even ordered Mr Mime to send flowers to their new house. A sort of housewarming gift.
8
The house was perfect too, not too big, not too small. Two bedrooms, of which they only had real use for one. That didn't matter, they both agreed the spare could become a research room, where Gary would hoard all his books. Ash had a mild but polite interest in them.
"I think we should tell Misty and Brock soon. They're my friends and have a right to know,"
Gary had nodded, and didn't feel so afraid of the idea as he probably should have.
8
They had met Misty in Cerulean City on a warm morning.
"That's wonderful news," she kissed Ash sweetly on the cheek and her bright hair seemed on fire in the hot sun. Her face was a calm, soothing contrast when she looked at Gary. "I think you'll take great care of Ash,"
"Of course I will," Gary promised.
His stomach swung and tossed somersaults as Ash took his hand and they walked away. And Misty seemed to fade, from mind and sight, as they edged onto the outskirts of Pewter City.
"Brock will be fine," Ash had assured him, tucking his head beneath Gary's chin. "I'm sure,"
"Mm hm." it was almost disorientating, to feel Ash against him like that. Dizzy and sick, but in an indescribably good way, the only thing Gary could think to do was put his arm round Ash's waist. A movement which might have been shaky and nervous on anyone else, but somehow it came naturally. Ash seemed to slide into his grip like a jigsaw piece. Like he'd been made for him to hold like that.
It was all perfect.
It continued to be perfect, when they reached Brock.
"Hey, you guys,"
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Gary had supposed it might be odd for Brock to see he and Ash linked together as they were. But Brock didn't seem to mind.
"I had my suspicions a few years ago, actually." he said.
And then everyone knew, and now everything was wonderful.
And anyway, it hadn't been half so nerve-wracking as the first time Gary had told Ash. Or more, showed him.
8
Ash had been standing in a vast field, and it could have been a movie setting, for all the scenic creations that surrounded him. Bright colours of red and orange scattered on the ground, flowers in the full bloom of late Spring. And the sun had been high and bold in the air.
Gary had just beaten Ash in a Pokemon Battle.
When he'd walked up to Ash, whose face was vulnerable and almost haloed by the sun, it was almost like it was meant to be. Like it had all been set in stone before it had even happened. And now they were just going through the motions, to complete what needed to be finished.
Still, Gary had been fearful when he'd caught Ash's wrist, and found he'd lost his voice.
What could he say? Even if it had all been planned, as this whole bizarre scene seemed to feel, he'd never actually rehearsed it in his head.
He'd never properly thought the words I really like you Ash. I want to kiss you. And other stuff.
He closed his eyes, trying to still the sickness that hurt his head, that might make him doubt himself.
He leant in, to close the already tiny gap between them, and his lips found Ash's in a light, fleeting brush.
Gary pulled away quickly, and his head felt blurred.
He couldn't open his eyes, he couldn't bear to. It was probably a terrible mistake, and he knew in his heart it was. Ash didn't like him that way.
And now Ash wouldn't like him at all. Gary wondered how he'd cope with that.
But it ended up not mattering anyway. Next thing he knew, next thing he felt, was a hand on his shirt, tugging him sharply forward, and then a warm urgency pressed against his lips.
Ash kissed him like he'd never dared to imagine when he was awake, but had always hoped in his unconscious mind.
That was what it was like. It was like a dream. All fragmented feelings, strange tastes, and weird textures. But always wonderful feelings, tastes and textures.
He found himself being led deeper into the kiss, because Ash happened to be adamant in more ways than just Pokemon battles. And then Gary was breathless and lying on the flowery ground looking up at his old rival through glossy eyes.
Everything was scented and sweet around them, and he pulled Ash down to taste more of him.
That was their first kiss.
8
"Bit of a romantic sap, aren't we?"
"Am not," but Gary blushed anyway, and actually enjoyed the teasing smirk that occupied Ash's face. He shoved the one month anniversary present in the other boys chest. "Here. And don't say I never get you anything."
It had been easy to find the perfect gift for Ash, who was the sort to be easily pleased by anything Pokemon related.
He was not disappointed by Ash's reaction; who glowed and grinned when he had held up the hat.
Gary had spent a small fortune on it; since the hat was only available through tokens, just like Ash's old one.
"Do you like-"
"I love it," Ash interrupted. And then said; "I got you a present too,"
"Oh?" Gary had not expected that. "Who's a sap now?"
"Shut up," Ash dug a hand in his pocket and pulled out a little box.
Gary stared at it blankly for a moment, and it was almost like deja-vu. Even as he undid the little bow on the box, and even before he had opened it up, he almost knew what was inside.
He held the necklace up, where half of a familiar old pokeball dangled from it.
"I thought we could both have one. To wear." Ash grinned. And then he pulled the piece of string round his neck to show his own half of the pokeball.
Gary smiled; "It's perfect,"
It really was.
8
Sometimes, Gary imagined things weren't so perfect. But then he'd wake up, and realise it was just a nasty dream, and he'd find Ash was sleeping near to him, there to show him everything was fine.
"Ash? Do you dream about stuff?" he asked the ceiling one night. He wasn't sure if Ash was still awake.
"Mm. Not really. I never remember much." Ash sounded sleepy.
"Sometimes I have dreams. I dream that you're not there. I mean, you are there. Just not with me." Gary wasn't sure why he was telling Ash these things, but sometimes his mind felt too tired and heavy to keep it to himself. "Would you ever do that?"
"What do you mean?" Ash's voice was muffled.
"Would you ever leave here?"
Ash shifted, and then he was looking at Gary, his face pale and careful in the darkness.
"No, I would never do that,"
Gary couldn't see his eyes properly, but he imagined they were sincere and bright. They probably were.
8
There were shapes, sometimes. Shapes of things Gary could have imagined from a dream, or a past life. Flashes of things he might have remembered from early childhood.
Ash had suggested he see a doctor.
"I'm not hallucinating, Ash. I'm just not getting enough sleep,"
"Which is why you should see a doctor," Ash pressed. "You spend too much time studying. You work too hard."
"I never liked doctors," Gary pouted.
So he never went to see one.
Not that the strange visions ever ceased, because they never did. And neither could Gary ignore them; they were always there, a dim yet constant thrum near the middle of his mind, jumbled in between all his usual blissful thoughts.
One day he took Ash's hand, and felt scared as he spoke;
"If you ever want to leave me, you'll tell me first, won't you?"
Ash shook his head. "I won't leave you,"
8
Maybe it really was just the workload, playing up his mind, and reducing him to paranoia, because times like this, when he was wrapped up in Ash's warmth and feeling hot and desperate in a feverish want, he couldn't understand how he'd ever doubted him.
And time seemed to skip by between them, and sometimes other people, who Gary only remembered by the blur of their hair, or the muffled distance of their vague voices, would drop by occasionally.
Most of the time they just came round to gush about the house, or drop off a gift for the happy couple.
One time Professor Oak came round and gripped Gary's arm, and it had hurt.
Then he'd seen his grampa's eyes, and they had looked different; terrifying and uncompromising in their intensity.
"Can't you see? Don't you know what you're doing to him?" the Professors voice sounded hoarse and strained, like he was trying to fight off something invisible and strong.
Gary pulled away from his grip, his arm stinging and red.
"Get out," he had hissed.
He didn't see his grandfather after that. And he didn't want to, so it made sense.
"I know you miss him," Ash had stated one morning, all lazy eyed on the bed.
"Shut up. No I don't."
"We could ask him to come back, if you want-"
"I don't want!"
Ash never mentioned his grampa again.
8
"Five months and six days," Gary had told himself, as he checked the calendar one morning.
Ash never queried why he did that, which was fine, since Gary didn't think he had a reasonable answer.
Just to check this is all happening. That it's not all just some weird dream I'm gonna wake up from any second now.
Ash was still Ash, just as he had been five months before, in that flower field. So Gary couldn't understand what was wrong.
"You're hurt," Ash had noticed the red mark on his arm. It had never gone away, a permanent reminder of his grampa, who didn't really exist in their lives anymore.
"It's nothing. You shouldn't worry,"
"I do," Ash kissed the mark, and for a brief second Gary could almost recall happiness. He closed his eyes, and clung onto memories which seemed more real in his mind than they ever had in his life.
He blinked down at Ash, and Ash was looking up at him.
And his eyes were deep, but unreflective.
"What's wrong?" Ash asked.
Gary swallowed. His throat was dry and tight.
"Ash, is this, is this everything you want?" his voice was feeble and weak in his ears.
The deep nothing of Ash's eyes reached his face, but still he nodded.
"If that is what you wish."
Breath hitching in his chest, like a cold reminder of everything between them, or everything that wasn't really between them, Gary nodded.
"It is."
8
"Ash, don't you want to be a Pokemon Master anymore?"
Gary hadn't really thought to ask him before. Perhaps because Pikachu wasn't there, it wasn't serving a reminder to Ash's well known ambition.
There was a pause, in which Ash seemed to consider the question. "I don't, I don't really think about it," he shrugged.
"You always wanted to, before."
"Before what?"
"Before," Gary wasn't sure what Before was. He wasn't even sure what After was. What was any of it now? "Before we were together," he decided.
"I guess it doesn't interest me so much anymore. And ever since Pikachu ran away, I lost my drive,"
Gary caught the flicker of sadness in Ash's face, and his words. He never really saw it very much; Ash was always so calm and satisfied. He never complained, he never said anything which would make Gary question him. He was perfect like that.
Maybe it was more the things he didn't do that made Gary question him.
"But it was like your dream. You always said, since you were a kid, it was what you wanted to be. We both wanted it."
Ash turned to him properly; "do youstill want it?"
Gary felt himself scowl. "That's not the question. What do you want, Ash?"
Ash just looked at him, all blank and lost.
"I don't really understand."
Gary tried to glare at him, tried be angry at him. But Ash's eyes were as dim and blank as a doll. Like arguing with a dummy, a waste of time.
"I'm going out for a bit," he shrugged on a jacket and walked into the darkness which hung a pale moon in the sky. All hollow and featureless.
8
"Are things ok with you two?"
Misty and Brock's visits had thinned out dramatically in the last few months, which hadn't seemed to effect Ash one bit, although Gary found it disconcerting. He'd always thought Ash was very close with them.
"Everything's wonderful," Ash beamed.
His voice was bright and cheerful as ever, yet for some reason it sounded like crackling radio in Gary's ears. Unbearable and full of static. Brock and Misty's voices sounded the same, and when they all talked together it was like a terrible wave of mass interference, all rushing into Gary's head and making him want to scream.
"I'm not very hungry," he left the table in a hurry, avoiding everyone's eyes.
"Gary-?" Ash trailed after him, just as he knew he would.
"Leave me alone. I'm not hungry. I don't feel well."
"I told you to see a doctor,"
Gary whirled round to face Ash, who was innocent and torturous all at once. "I don't want to,"
Ash startled for a tiny second, but then his face resolved into that calm nonchalance Gary was beginning to dread and loathe.
"It's ok, if you don't want it, that's fine."
"No, it's not fine. And don't follow me!"
Gary ran, and he ran until the buzzing noise in his head had faded, and he realised he was alone.
He sunk to his knees, and the red and orange flowers beneath him looked much too pretty and artificial.
Just like everything else.
"Maybe I am just hallucinating," he laughed, harsh and bitter, and with it came a sob.
He hated to cry; it never helped anything.
"Gary?" Ash was calling him, and Gary looked over his shoulder to see Ash a little way away. He looked hurt and confused.
"Maybe I'm just a bastard,"
8
"I don't think you're a bastard," Ash said plaintively.
"You don't know anything,"
"I know you're not well. C'mon. Come here."
Ash crawled on all fours along the stretch of bed. Gary was supposed to be excited by that sight, he had been in the past, but now it made his stomach twist. He thought he might be sick.
"Please, Ash. Not now,"
"Why?" Ash's grin was soft and playful. His hand on Gary's chest was like a little jolt, and Gary squirmed and batted it away.
"Stop it,"
"Aw, what's wrong?" Ash pouted his disappointment. But he wasn't going to be deterred, and Gary knew it. Gary knew everything about this Ash.
He watched on as Ash hovered over him, mischievous and forthright in his actions, in everything, except his eyes.
Gary stared up at the eyes; maybe if he stared hard enough he'd see into them, catch a glimpse of an emotion he remembered from another time, not that long ago.
But there was never anything there. Just endless black.
"Ash, please-"
"Sssh. Quiet now."
Then Ash's mouth smothered his own, and his senses were helpless and useless for a little while after.
8
The Professors face haunted Gary when he managed to sleep now.
It was his eyes; they had looked fierce, and urgent, and alive.
Can't you see? Don't you know what you're doing to him?
"I know,"
Gary watched Ash when he slept. He'd done it before, when everything had seemed ok. But now nothing was ok, and when Gary watched Ash he found it hard to picture his eyes.
"Can't sleep, hm?"
"No,"
Maybe it was because of the lack of sleep, or maybe just that he was a terrible bastard, but one day he lashed out at Ash.
He regretted it immediately, even though Ash didn't seem affected.
"It's ok. It's just a scrape." Ash rubbed a hand over the dull grazing on his cheek, marring otherwise perfect skin.
Gary hated himself, and told Ash so.
"I don't hate you," Ash had responded.
"I just hit you!" Gary's incredulous laugh was shaky with emotion. He'd promised he wouldn't cry. "Aren't you angry? Or upset?"
Ash shook his head, his smile cute and unnecessary. Gary almost hated it.
"I'm upset," he rubbed an arm over his eyes.
"You shouldn't be," Ash wrapped his arms round him. "you don't wish that, do you?"
Gary blinked up at him, glad that he'd managed to fend off tears.
"No, I don't wish that."
When he saw Ash's eyes, he knew what he wished.
8
Gary checked the calender on the last day.
He needed to mark the occasion in some small way, as stupid as it seemed. He needed proof that these last few months had existed, and at one point in his life he had owned Ash, and Ash had owned him. And they had been together, for a little while.
And Gary had been happy.
A small smile tugged his lips. Eight months, two weeks and three days. It'd been a pretty long term relationship, whatever anyone might say afterwards.
He took Ash for a walk in the flower field. It seemed fitting since it was the place where it had all started.
None of if had changed; the flowers were all bright, and hurt Gary's eyes to look at for too long.
He grasped Ash by the sleeve and tugged him to the ground.
"Are we having a picnic?" Ash asked happily.
"No, sorry,"
"That's ok. I'm not hungry."
I know.
He didn't like looking at Ash much, these days. Ash didn't seem to have noticed, he'd always been pretty clueless about that sort of thing, though.
It was almost enough to make Gary smile. Not quite.
He looked at the grass; "I'll be happy when you're a Pokemon Master, Ash,"
Ash blinked at him. "am I going to be a Pokemon Master?"
"Yeah. And Pikachu will be with you again too."
"Really?" Ash grinned.
"Yeah. And you'll have beaten everyone this time next year. I'll bet you anything."
"You really think?"
"Mm-hmm." Gary nodded, then hesitated to himself. He had to keep talking, it was no good pretending it wouldn't hurt. "Um. You'll let my gramps know how it's all going, won't you? Then he can tell me," he glanced at his marked arm, and remembered his grampa's hand fierce on his skin, and his eyes, searching and alive and trying to talk to him.
Maybe his grampa would forgive him for all this, even if Ash never did.
"What do you mean? I'll tell you. You'll be there too,"
Gary grimaced. "No. I won't be."
"Why not?"
"I don't think- I don't think you'll want me there,"
"Stupid. Yes I will." Ash put his hand on Gary's, and Gary winced at the touch.
"No. That's not how it's supposed to be, Ash."
"How is it supposed to be?"
"Not like this,"
Ash's hand tightened a little more round Gary's. "Gary, this is...isn't this what you wished for? Both of us together, like this?"
Gary stared at Ash's hand, tense and needy in his own. Maybe it was less painful to look in his old rivals eyes again.
"What do you wish for, Ash?" he whispered.
"Whatever you wish,"
Gary found himself resigned to a sad smile. He'd expected nothing else.
"Whatever I wish?" he pretended to mull it over.
Then, feeling sick and cold, he edged forward and wrapped Ash in a hug he feared he might never break. Only because he knew it was his last chance. He'd never be able to do this again.
And he needed to, one last time. Before it all ended.
Then he leant in, cupping Ash's face gently into his hands.
"I, I don't..." words were useless. He'd never been very good with them, despite all his front in the past. Words had screwed him over, and made him believe stuff about himself that wasn't really true at all.
"You don't what?" Ash was so close, his eyes were black pits.
Gary's hand found it's shaky way to his own chest, and he tugged the pokeball necklace away from his neck in one sharp movement.
Ash bit his lip. "Why'd you do that?"
"This is yours." Gary pressed it into his hand. "Don't ever give it to someone like me,"
Ash stared between the broken pokeball and Gary, confused and naive.
"It was a present. I gave it you." he sounded hurt. "you wanted it."
"And I still do, more than anything."
Gary didn't think he could wait any longer. The strange revelation inside of him could fade away at any moment, and then he'd forever be trapped in this private paradise he'd created around himself.
He took a halting breath and closed his eyes, and then leant in to his old rival.
The kiss was light and soft, and didn't deserve to be anything else. And Gary didn't think he had the nerve to make it anything more than what it was. What it had always been.
He broke away before Ash had chance to return it, and he tilted his head to the bright sky.
"Sorry, Ash. I'm so sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"You won't understand."
"Well, can I do something to make you feel better? Anything at all?"
Whatever you wish.
I don't want this anymore.
"I don't...I don't want this anymore."
He kept watching the sky, as it became dark and grey, caving in and opening up to the rain which spat through the clouds. The wind was harsh and biting. Around them, the flowers seemed to melt away, leaving behind messy pools of polluted colour, and the earth felt cool and hard.
Suddenly everything was real.
"Where am I?" Ash was looking at him, as real as he was all those months ago, his eyes stripped bare with emotions Gary could barely remember, but now he could, and it was all too much.
This was the Ash he had always wanted, but had never caught.
"Ash-"
Ash jerked away, his hand falling out of Gary's in a startling instant.
"What...what's going on?" he asked. He was dazed and bewildered. Like he'd just awoken from a deep sleep. Well, he sort of had.
Gary couldn't answer properly. And he didn't care about the hot wetness which slid down his cheeks.
"It's raining, Ash. You should go home now, your mom'll be worried,"
Past them both, he watched as the Unown dissipated with the gales, taking the last of their illusions with them.
~End~
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more notes: Inspired by the third movie with all the creepy Unown fantasy world thing. Seriously, that whole concept is AWESOME.
PS: am I the only person who thinks dominant!Ash is hot? come on, it's totally IC. One day he's gonna flip and everyone will suffer Ash Fury. Ash Fury = Love
Review? Comment? Like to question the sanity of my mind? Please do!