Note: This is AU, just as a heads up.
NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED!
Heat Stroke
-Dedicated to anyone who has ever had to wear a mascot suit, anyone who has ever had to do something pointless in unbearable heat, and anyone who does not get paid enough for all the slaving they do at their shitty job like me. Much love and empathy to you all-
xxx
Desperate times call for desperate measures, he reasoned, but golly freaking gee willikers was it H-O-T HOT.
Suigetsu, tears mingling with his torrential perspiration, continued tapping into his speedily declining energy supply to keep up his routine, whilst roasting inside his own personal hell- a Dunkin Donuts coffee man suit to be exact. It was a fantastic device of torture, he mused, this giant felt and polyester coffee cup suit- the smile on its face did a wonderful job of adding irony to his agony as he roasted, or, well, in his case more evaporated, to an early grave.
Wave, wave, wave, turn, stagger, whimper, suck it the fuck up, wave, wave, wave.
And so it continues.
He tripped over the overly large shoes that completed his costume and began his waving routine again. Recalling the chain of events that lead to his joyous employment with Dunkin Donuts, Suigetsu would say that it was sort of like being up a creek without a paddle and asking yourself, "well, what else could possibly go wrong?" And then dealing with the ensuing, inevitable rain.
xxx
He had walked into the store with ready smile and an attitude that just screamed, "Good morning, world, how do you take your coffee?". Upon handing in his completed job application to the general manager, a rather frightening man with orange hair and multiple poorly-hidden piercings whose nametag read, 'Pein', he had been asked a few run-of-the-mill questions.
"What separates you from other prospective Dunkin Donuts employees?"
"My winning smile, natural charm, exceptional work ethic, and full adherence to the company's 'you 'kin do it' attitude."
Pein's ringed gray eyes had blinked rapidly, the only disturbance in his apathetic face. He was puzzling over how anyone could possibly be that eager to get a dead-end minimum wage job, but Suigetsu, of course, had taken his drawn out silence to be a dazzled state of wonderment at his answer.
After Pein realized that Suigetsu was of the more unusual variety, and Suigetsu had realized that Pein wasn't going to comment on anything he said, the process ran much more smoothly.
"Name your three best qualities."
"Eagerness, good looks, and, of course, my rapier wit."
"Name your three worst qualities."
"Over-Eagerness, sarcasm, and a tendency to dehydrate easily."
"If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?"
"I would be a piranha because I love water and I would be able to swim around and bite swimmers in their butts."
"Are you willing to work any position I dish out?"
"Yes."
"I mean any position...?"
"Yes."
"Would you scrub a toilet if I asked you to?"
"Yes."
"Would you abandon everything you hold dear, paint your nails, and join me on a highly illegal quest for world domination- living in hiding as an outlaw until being violently killed in the name of justice?"
"...uh...yes?"
"Wonderful. You're hired."
Bam, Suigetsu thought, rapid-fire awesomeness.
Despite the fact that that last question had been a little out there, (Suigetsu figured it was some kind of metaphor or something) they shook on it, and fifteen minutes later, Suigetsu, in lieu of training for a position like he thought he would be, was being fitted for his coffee suit. Five more minutes and he was out the door, on the street, waving to the apathetic public.
Ironically, though, he got a bonus because of the heat- and just when he thought no one gave a fuck.
x x x
Sipping his extra-large Mountain Dew slushie, Naruto leered out the window of the sleek mercedes, enjoying the breeze on his face. He loved it when his best friend picked him up in his rich daddy's nice car. It made everything better, just like sprinkles on the cake.
Sighing contentedly, Naruto leaned back against the supple leather upholstery. Ah...perfection. But at that moment, he noticed something hard and angular stabbing him in the butt. Fishing around in the deep, luxurious seat, Naruto, attempting to find the source of his discomfort, jostled Sasuke's elbow as the latter tried to shift gears.
"Hn, what are you doing you idiot, you almost made me rear end somebody."
"I was looking for whatever's stabbing me in the butt!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes, completely unconcerned.
"That sounds like a personal problem to me, so stay out of my personal bubble while you're dealing with it."
But it seemed Naruto's butt invader was no longer an issue.
"Ah-ha!"
With that cry of triumph, Naruto pulled one of those bobble hula girl dashboard decorations out from under his butt. He examined it, snickering at the little plastic coconut shell bra. "Why the hell does your dad have this?"
Sasuke sighed and, for the second time, he rolled his eyes.
"It's probably Itachi's. It's the kind of thing he would have. He probably bought it for some freakish reason, I can just hear him now, 'Hn, foolish little brother, it's whimsical!' "
"Yup. That's Itachi the child-molester for you," Naruto confirmed, still playing with the hula girl.
He reclined again, after restoring his find to her proper place on the dashboard, and looked back out the window. Spotting some fool in a coffee suit on down the road in front of the Dunkin Donuts, Naruto elbowed his best friend, saying,
"Hey, get a load of this poor mofo!"
Sasuke barley spared a glance. "Yeah, he's probably dying in this heat."
Naruto, an evil gleam in his blue eyes, quickly judged the distance from them to Suigetsu the coffee man, and checked the speed of the car; eyes darting from the hula girl to Suigetsu and back.
Finally he smirked.
"Oh, Sasuke...I think I have an idea."
x x x
Meanwhile, the 'poor mofo' in question was indeed slowly dying- entombed in polyester. Kimimaro, a fellow employee, had been given the duty of bringing Suigetsu some water, but Suigetsu, delusional from the heat, was convinced that was just a pretense to speed his hastily approaching demise.
After awkwardly shoving the cup under and up Suigetsu's coffee suit, Kimimaro tried to make small talk to ease the tension.
"So...we're having some crazy weather eh?...sure is hot out here."
Right then and there, Suigetsu snapped and rounded on him, waving his hands encased in the huge gloves, the smiling coffee cup he was wearing completely at odds with his angry tone.
"Hot? Don't you even talk to me about hot. I am freaking evaporating. Do you hear what I'm saying, bitch? EVAPORATING!"
Kimimaro backed up a bit, wondering how big of a range of vision Suigetsu had from inside that suit...maybe he could sneak away...
But just then, apparently, the situation got ten times worse.
Out of no where, some pointy, tropically colored projectile came hurtling towards the two. Kimimaro watched in horror as it barreled at Suigetsu's foam-covered head with sure to be deadly accuracy. Overtaken by an inexplicable surge of heroism, Kimimaro leaped, as if in slow motion, and tackled his still-ranting coworker to the ground. Tragically, ironically, due to the arc of his fall, Kimimaro ended up in the line of fire, was hit square in the forehead with base of the hula girl figurine, and fell, completely unconscious, on top of Suigetsu who landed face down on the pavement.
x x x
And from the Walmart parking lot across the street, Nartuo and Sasuke watched with dismay as the coffee man flailed his limbs under the dead weight of his unconscious coworker.
x x x
"What in tarnation is going on you idiot get off of me! Fuck, fuck I can't breathe, seriously Kimimaro this is not funny! I'm dying, I'M DYING!"
The extent of Suigetsu's knowledge was remarkably lacking.
1. He knew that he was pinned face down against the concrete.
2. He had ascertained from his desperate flailing that Kimimaro was lying across his back and legs, apparently completely limp.
3. It was seriously. fucking. hot.
and 4. Most horrifying of all, Kimimaro didn't seem to be able to hear him.
By now he had ceased his flailing and had now settled more into a pathetic bout of self pity with occasional whimpers. Eventually, he reasoned, they would begin missing Kimimaro inside, so someone would have to come out and check up on them right? A minute passed. Then two minutes. Then three, then fuck, Suigetsu was starting to get worried. Bright colors began swimming around in the black sea that was his vision. He could feel his head getting lighter and lighter. Then, finally, he heard approaching footsteps and the sounds of two people arguing.
"Shit..look at how hard I hit him! Damn, that's gonna be a weird-shaped bruise. It kinda looks like Texas..."
"Idiot, I still can't believe you did that! Though it is pretty impressive that you managed to take out both of them with one hula girl." Whatever part of Suigetsu's mind that was still functioning normally couldn't believe that the people who had attacked them actually had the nerve to come see if they were alright.
"My aim is killer, Teme, you better watch it," this time the tone was actually braggy, Suigetsu registered. Then the same voice spoke again.
"Hey, hey buddy," Suigetsu felt the body on top of him jostle around as one of the two assailants shook Kimimaro. "Shit, he's not waking up."
"That's not surprising, dipshit, you probably gave him a concussion."
"Daaaaaaayyyuumm," the voice of the attacker whistled.
"I'll take him inside," The same voice spoke again."You check on the other one. Meet you in a few."
Suigetsu felt the weight on his body lift, but remained in the same uncomfortable position. Listening to the sound of receding footsteps, he contemplated his revenge. From what he had gathered there where two people who had come to check on them: one who had attacked them and his accomplice. Suigetsu had kind of gotten confused during the middle of their conversation on who was who, but now he was almost certain that the one who had been left with him was the one who had attacked them- apparently with a hula girl, although that part hadn't really made sense.
But no matter, he was about to go all Crouching Tiger Hidden Coffee Cup on this guy's ass.
"Hey," the voice said, as a hand gently nudged his arm," you okay? Can you walk?"
Feigning weakness, but with an insufferably evil smirk on his concealed face, Suigetsu moaned.
"Oh good, you're conscious," the voice said with an air of relief.
Muahaha, thought Suigetsu, I'll show you conscious, bitch.
Suigetsu could hear the subtle cracking of joints as the person leaned closer, the hand coming to rest on his shoulder.
...Now...
Without warning Suigetsu, with an almighty cry, sprang from the ground, flipped over, and hurled his foot into the face of an unsuspecting Sasuke.
x x x
Passersby on the street watched in alarm as a seemingly mild-mannered coffee cup man roundhouse kicked a dark-haired individual into next tuesday.
x x x
Suigetsu stood panting over the collapsed body of his victim, the smile on his coffee cup face taking on a more demented air in light of his recent actions. He heard the jingle of the bell over the door, as without a doubt, the accomplice came rushing to the attacker's aid, Unfortunately, the tasty little nugget of irony that he had exacted his vengeance upon the wrong person was wasted on Suigetsu, as his vision began darkening at the edges and he passed out from heat and over exertion before Naruto could even get to him.
And the blonde simply stood there, with the noonday sun beating down, surrounded by the victims of the mischief which he had orchestrated. Shrugging, he bent down, grabbed the keys to the Mercedes from Sasuke's belt and the Prada sunglasses from their place on his friends collar. He figured he had time to get another slushie before Sasuke woke up, right?
Naruto began to walk away, took about four steps, stopped, turned around, grabbed the hula girl from her place between the heads of his victims, and was off again.
x x x
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone, two men watched the unfolding drama through the window.
"Droppin' like flies out there today, aren't they?" The blue delivery man asked Pein, scratching his gills in perplexity and thrusting a clipboard and pen towards the manager.
"Indeed," agreed Pein, as he signed off on the week's shipment of bagels. "Indeed..."
END
Notes: Well, i was originally going to make this a part of Nonsense, but I liked it so much I figured it should stand on its own. The image of Suigetsu unknowingly roundhouse kicking Sasuke is just hilarious to me...
Thanks, as always.
BISCUIt