Jessie's Diary
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~*~To Jessie,
Love, Mom~*~
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December 16
^^^^^^^^^^^^
This has to be one of the most screwed-up things I've ever decided to do, I just know it. I mean, *me*, Jessie, writing stuff in a diary! Well, anyway, I guess you could say there's a *reason* for this.
What should I write? Oh, I know— I'll explain why I even *have* this thing.
I was down at the good old Team Rocket HQ (haha), looking through some old boxes in storage. That was something I'd never had to do before.
Usually, about this time, the Boss gives us a little bonus, for Christmas. You may be thinking, "Awww, that's nice!", but if you are, you're thinking wrong. He doesn't have the 'Christmas Spirit' and he never has. Actually, I know for a fact that he's trying to get us to work harder. Most members of Team Rocket, even the best ones, tend to slack off this time of year. Giovanni must think a little bonus (more like a bribe) will motivate us to work harder. Well, if that's his crack-brained plot, it's never worked on me. I always spent the money on other things— usually for myself. Well deserved things.
But anyway (I guess I'm not too good at writing in this thing. . .I was *only* going to write one page and look how much I've strayed from the topic already!), James and Meowth (oh yeah, they're my partners) and I had been waiting for our paychecks for a week, expecting them to come any day. But when they did come, well, let's just say there was no bonus there. In fact, if anything, that damned slavedriver gave us *less* then our regular pay, and that's pretty low. That got me pissed, but of course, there was nothing I could do. He must have realized at last that we couldn't be motivated to work during the holidays, but I though everyone knew that.
So, today, I remembered that I had a few old boxes of stuff stored there at the HQ, and I figured I could probably pawn some of it off for some extra cash. I'll tell you, there wasn't much there. But I *did* find this lovely little book, and then, I remembered that my mom had given it to me when I was like seven or something. She even wrote an inscription in the front of it, see?
I remembered back when mom had told me to start writing in it, and maybe someday, when I was gone, other people would know all about my life. I thought that sounded exciting, I'm sure, but I never started to write in it anyway. My mom died shortly after that. . .
Ok, enough of that. This isn't some touching made for T.V. movie. There are too many of those in the world as it is.
But, anyway, back on topic. So I found this nice little diary; (I don't know how mom even afforded it) and I wanted to pawn it right of. Considering my other junk, I would probably profit the most money from it , though I must say, that's pretty sad. But then, I see the inscription, and all the memories of how mom had really wanted me to write in it came back to me, and so, I decided I could at least keep the thing.
I wasn't going to actually *write* in it, I mean, God forbid that I, Jessie of the infamous Team Rocket, start writing in a dinky little diary! But there it sat, lying on my sleeping bag, and I saw it just sitting there, as if it were *begging* me to do something. And then I got to thinking...I mean, James has a journal that he writes in all the time. He may be a wimp, but still....I dunno. I wondered what it felt like and all.
So I just had to pick it up and look through it again. I swear, the pen leapt into my hand! I just...just started to write, and now—
Wait a minute. Am I turning into a slave of this diary, writing down everything I'm thinking? Argh! I'd better sum this up.
It's getting dark...and it's cold, too. But tomorrow, I'll try to sell my stuff and get a hotel in town. Well, anyway, it's late, as I said, and I should go to sleep. Even James has come in and finished writing in his journal, and he writes forever!
~Jessie
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December 18
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well, it's definitely winter now.
James, Meowth and I woke up to snow outside our tent. Goody. I just *love* the cold.
Argh! There I go again with the sarcasm. I knew I always was critical, but then here I am, jotting it all down in this cutesy little book. There are roses on the cover, for crying out loud! You'd think a ten-year-old were writing down their pre-teen crushes in here or something. Surprise to whoever opens this when I'm gone.
And there I go with the off-topic thing. Hell, I'm so bad at this. OK, let's see—
Snow. Yeah— we woke up to snow. We were all freezing our rears off, of course, and we quickly got dressed, shivering all the while. Hey, and to make it worse, we didn't even have coats. James has a long-sleeved over shirt and pants, Meowth has a nice warm fur coat; but me— *I've* got a mini-skirt and a bare midriff. Aren't I lucky? Well, hey— for fashion, certain sacrifices must be made.
We got our stuff together and started trudging on through the ever-increasing snow. You know, it totally reminded me of how old people will sit in front of their grandkids, boring them to tears, and say, "When I was a young'un, we had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow, uphill both ways...."
Anyway, we weren't sure what we should do, like, where to stay, so we found a trail and walked to the nearest town. It took us hours, and we were all irritable. I nearly whacked James and Meowth upside the head numerous times for complaining. Wow, I'm such a hypocrite.
At _long_ last, we reached a dinky little down, and looked all over for a hotel. The only one we found, of course, was full (I mean, come on— with our luck how could it *not*?). We at least wanted to get out of the snow, which was still falling steadily, so we retreated to the nearest building we saw— a PokeMart.
"Why don't we call the HQ and see it any of the Team's cabins are vacant?" James had suggested. "I swear there was one around here..." I had to agree, that was probably one of his better ideas.
And that's what we did.
There was, lucky for us, a vid phone in that very shop, so we called right away.
It turned out that there *was* a cabin in the mountains about a mile or so away from where we were at present. Maybe our luck wasn't so bad.
The rest of that day was spent *getting* to the cabin. It was like hell had literally frozen over— I mean, we were mostly complaining, or slipping, or losing out way. Were we as bad as the twerps were with directions? But we got there by nightfall, just the same.
Today hasn't been too eventful. I suppose that's the reason I started writing in this thing again, I mean, writing isn't all that exciting. It was hard to find a place on my on to write, too. I don't think that either James or Meowth know what I've been doing, and I intend to keep it that way.
Oooh, I smell James' cooking! I *am* pretty hungry...
~Jessie
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December 19
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Why am I writing again? I thought I hated this diary idea! Hmph.
I guess I just like writing everything down. There's a feeling of security in that (it's not like me to say that, is it? I'd erase it, but hey, that's the downfall of using a pen).
There was a blizzard last night. We all found it hard to sleep, as the wind decided to not only flip up several shingles (not as quietly as it could have, either), but on top of that it caused our precious power to go out. Forever it was like a blanket of pitch black covered the cabin. James started to gripe, and we were bored out of our skulls. Hand it to Meowth to suggest that we play hide-and-seek in the dark, though— James and I snubbed the idea ("We're too mature for *that*, Meowth!"), but after another hour of darkness, the cat had us convinced.
Amusingly enough, we had a lot of fun. The cabin is two floors— the main floor and the loft. One time (Meowth was it), I had been heading for the coat closet (which, by the way, *doesn't* have coats in it), but decided it would be wiser to hide in the loft. I blindly stumbled to the ladder and climbed, figuring that I could hide behind the bookshelf in the corner. I soundlessly walked to it, crouched, and concealed myself, waiting for the cat to finish his countdown. I was feeling pretty confident in my location, and just then, I heard a soft voice in my ear.
"Great minds think alike, eh, Jess?"
"AHHHH!" I swear, I jumped 6 feet in the air. James had been crouching right by me the whole time!
Needless to say, Meowth won that round...
Today the power is back on (thankfully), and we've busied ourselves with the immense task of shoveling the walk. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I think the snow piled up as high as me or James out there. There was only one shovel, so we worked in shifts. After that, James cooked a huge pancake breakfast— it was like IHOP had come to us.
Right now, I just got out of a hot (well, lukewarm) bath, and I just sat down on the bed and there was this cursed book. Must I always write in it? Who's gonna end up reading it, anyway? I doubt that I want to know.
It's about 5 right now— I'm exhausted. I wonder when we'll actually start our next assignment. And even if we don't. . .well, it's nearly x-mas, after all.
~Jessie
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December 20
^^^^^^^^^^^^
We didn't go on any assignments today. If anyone asks, it's because of the snow (yeah, that's it).
Actually, it hasn't snowed at all, not since the blizzard. Not that *we* mind, of course. But since there is snow left, and so much of it, James proclaimed that starting today, we were officially on x-mas vacation. And I was glad he did.
Our "Opening Ceremonies" for our holiday was a snowball fight (it must sound like all we do is play, huh? Well, for now, that's mostly true...). I was pissed at James when he dragged me out of our cozy cabin. I mean, I had just done my hair and all (do you have *any* idea how much effort I go to to perfect my hair everyday? It's like a delicate sculpture, and it takes a skilled artist to do it just right. Of course, James has no respect for that!), but even with my struggling, he urged me outside.
"Come on, Jess! Let's just have some fun!"
"But James, it's *freezing* out there! Does turning into an ice sculpture sound like fun to you? Are you crazy?"
"I guess so, but it's better than staying cooped up in there!"
I submitted, but only because I really *was* a little sick of staying indoors.
"OK, James. But I don't want to— ARGH! No!!"
I didn't know that Meowth had been preparing snowballs already, and James and I were showered with a barrage of snowy missiles.
I guess I forgot about my hair after that, because I didn't hesitate at all the join the fight. I'd get even with Meowth. Actually, I never knew it, but James is pretty good at, er, snowball throwing. Where I lacked in distance, he definitely made up for it and then some. But I had the strength, and I pelted Meowth so hard once I thought I'd knocked him out cold.
James and I, as a team, defeated Meowth and his evil snowball army.
We went back toward our cabin— it had begun to get dark— and it was so cold, I was freely shivering. James, who had managed miraculously to stay quite dry, took off his over shirt and let me wear it. I wouldn't have accepted, but he sort of insisted, the gentleman that he is, and I was grateful. I'm not the type to take sympathy from anyone but I guess this was different.
We would have made hot chocolate, but after searching the whole cabin, we found there was none to be had. James had already started water to boil, so we got mugs and drank hot water. Pretty creative, huh?
Look how many pages I've filled in this book already! I don't know if I should be proud or disgusted...I could be wrong, but when I'm dead, will people really care that I was in a snowball fight or that I played hide-and-seek during a power outage?
Well, hey— some people are easily entertained.
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December 21
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Where's the Meowth balloon when you need it the most?
Well, of course we didn't have it today, and today we discovered how very low our rations were. We had to go to town.
"It's OK," James had said, "I'm sure there are snowmobiles or skis back in the shed somewhere."
Well, we took a look in this shed, and you'll never believe it— no snowmobiles. Hell, there weren't even skis. But of course, who cares about that, because we *did* find snowshoes.
"We might as well *swim* through the snow," I said to James. "We'll get there faster that way."
He smiled at me, and persuaded me to at least try them.
Interesting things, snowshoes. I don't know if there are modern ones with insulated souls and a special new design with rocket boosters, but if there are we didn't see them. Given the fact that our lovely organization known as Team Rocket *always* buys the most top notch, expensive and up-to-date equipment for its members (Hah! You know I'm laughing now, right?), we of course only found the wooden ones that were made by Eskimo dudes like a billion years ago.
Well, there were only two pairs, and so we went through all the reasons that particular ones of us should or shouldn't go. My excuses were lame, but I guess *none* of us really had a good reason to stay at the cabin, besides the fact that it was warm and comfortably furnished.
And with that, the rock-paper-scissors championship began (best out of three, of course).
Well, to make a long story short, James and I were selected to go. I guess I never realized how good at rock-paper-scissors Meowth was....
Anyway, we both knew that we'd have to bundle up, and since we didn't have coats, we got some blankets from the loft closet. We each took one, rolling them up on our packs so if we developed the beginnings of hypothermia, we would have a chance of survival.
We departed about noon. I'd never used snowshoes before, not that I recall, and I learned that it's an odd feeling. I felt really insecure— like treading over thin ice. I mean, it's like you're walking on top of snow that's several feet deep, and I could have sworn that I was going to just fall through it at any given time.
I know that even as I tried to hide it, James could tell that I was nervous. He kept saying I could hold onto him if I wanted, but I don't know why he'd want me to. It's like he always wants to help me out these days, like it's the Christmas spirit or something. I'm just fine— I don't need someone holding my hand all the time. That's not the way I am.
Getting down the trail was tricky. We decided that it could be awkward to walk down such a steep slope in our snowshoes, so I suggested that we sled down. Of course, I had equipped us with the most top-notch, highest grade sleds available (two black garbage bags), so that was no trouble.
We slid down the mountain the remainder of the way, both of us having our fair share of trials along the way as we plowed trails through the snow (which wasn't as deep where we were), falling off countless times.
I was quite relieved when we came to the main road where the town was visible. Reading a sign at the bottom of the mountain trail, we realized that the town's name was Blanktown. Fitting name for such a bland place.
Anyhoo, there was a store open there at least, so we restocked on supplies for our cabin. We got some flour, eggs, chocolate cocoa (of course), sugar, and all those necessities, plus a few treats for the hell of it. We had two bags full of crap to take back up...that was fun, really. We each hauled a bag up the snowy trail ...I swear I was going to fall straight down through the snow and disappear from the face of the earth.
Believe it or not, it took us most of a day to complete our journey. Man, it was cold the whole way. I kept wanting to stop and rest, but James said that if I stopped, I might never get up, and if I fell asleep I could die. You know, I'm suddenly reminded of my mom... when *she* went onto the mountains and never returned. Did *she* stop to rest?
Well, anyway, we cooked T.V. dinners over a fire tonight (James was too tired to cook). We also got to drinking that hot chocolate we had wanted yesterday. I'm pretty beat now, and I think I hear James coming to write in his journal, so I think I'd better go.
~Jessie
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December 22
^^^^^^^^^^^
Mmmm, the cabin still smells so good...
We all decided to just rest today— you know, relax. My legs ache, so I was grateful to stay inside and recuperate from yesterdays strenuous hike.
Of course, it was James' idea to bake Christmas cookies. Me and Meowth were all for the idea, so off to the kitchen we went.
We had purchased all the necessary ingredients at the store, so we made some sugar cookies and cut them into shapes.
We only had a couple of cutters, so soon we got kind of creative with the cookie shapes. James and I attempted to carve our figures into the dough— me with my perfectly sculpted curl of hair and all. Meowth even followed our example and used his claws to scratch out a cookie- replica of himself.
They turned out half decent, as far as I'm concerned. Of course, the highlights of our cookie making experience were our Rocket Cookies. We all decided to eat each others, so we all swapped cookies, me getting Meowth's, James eating mine, and Meowth ending up with James'. And they were good...
James told us to save a few for Christmas Eve, so we stored some of the cookies away (is James becoming the boss around here?!). Well, he's got a point, I mean, isn't x-mas eve really the day to scarf cookies and milk and all that? I dunno. That's the way it was when I was a kid.
But anyway, we were all stuffed from cookies, and so we sat out in front of the fire to just relax (I swear, the fireplace is the only thing that works in this cabin). Well, I felt a bit drowsy, so I just lay down and used James' lap as a pillow. His legs went stiff, and, confused, I glanced up at his face. He looked so... so... well, surprised, and uncomfortable, so I shot back up and just sat there for a minute. What is wrong with that boy? He's my partner— I mean, I've always used him as a kind of slave...he also makes, and has always made, a nice pillow. So... what's with his little attitude today? Oh, whatever. I don't care. James is James, after all.
~Jessie
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December 23
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Typical day. You know, we don't usually exchange gifts at x-mas... er, well, *I* never really give gifts, anyway. But I almost feel like getting *something* for my partners. All the years we've been together, and I've never thought to get them x-mas gifts. But... I didn't buy them anything, and it's not like I could cook or make them something. I have nothing to give. Maybe I'll slip off to Blanktown and see what they have in the gift department....
Oh, I dunno. We'll see what I do.
You know... ever since the couch thing yesterday, I've been noticing things about James, watching him a little closer. Yes... he is acting a tad strange. He seems nervous, like when I'm around him. Maybe he doesn't like me, or he's scared of me, or...or....oh, I get it. He must be hiding a gift from me or something. Well, that's my best interpretation of it, anyway.
I guess nothing happened today, though. I mean, unless yo—
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December 24
^^^^^^^^^^^
Yowch, *that* was close!! My cover was almost blown, and I can't let that happen! James walked in just as I was writing last night. I had to shove this under my pillow and he almost caught me...he seemed a little startled to see me in here alone, doing nothing, but he told me that he was tired and was going to bed. Well, as you can guess, I never got the chance to write more.
Today...hmm. It's Christmas Eve, and as I speak it's beginning to snow. No, not a blizzard— just a nice little snowstorm. All day it was overcast, and we'd heard reports on the radio.
I found a chance to get to Blanktown today, though. Since much of the snow had either packed or melted, I found it to be a much easier task than before.
I didn't have much money, of course, but I stretched what I had as far as it would go. I knew that I couldn't get them very good presents, but then, they're lucky to get anything from me. We don't have the money to spoil ourselves or each other, so most of our money has to go toward necessities. That's how it was for my mom and I when I was young. Instead of what I wanted, it was always what I *needed*. I guess it's a habit now, though there are exceptions to that rule (i.e, hair spray....heheh...).
But today, I found a nice little shop with inexpensive gifts. I got for James a scarf... cheaply made, I'm sure, but nice just the same. It's green and fuzzy... the color of his eyes, I guess you could say.
And for Meowth; I bought him a simple ball of yarn and just a *pinch* of catnip. I guess that catnip is like drugs for cats, but I know that Meowth will enjoy it so it's all good. At any rate, it should shut him up for a while.
Oh, yeah— later, when I had gotten back and the gifts were wrapped, I felt like doing something for fun (it *is* Christmas eve, so we could have our own little party, you know?). I asked James if we could play a game of Pictionary or Charades or something (and I'm usually not the type to suggest such a thing, either). Well, it was so weird, but he told me that he'd rather not, and went up to the loft. Imagine that! I actually wanted to do something he'd generally have to force me to do any other day, and then he decides to mope!
I wonder... is he really okay?
~Jessie
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December 25
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Christmas is over, night has come already, and James is still acting the same. Heh, if anything, he's worse!
Let me explain what happened, then. . .
This morning at breakfast, I handed out my gifts. Yeah, needless to say, the guys were pretty surprised. Meowth opened his first (James just kinda *stared* at his box) and he fell right out of his chair. Actually, he didn't get back up— he must have gotten a whiff of the catnip.
James was pretty quiet. He looked at the present like a starving child looks at someone's juicy piece of steak, wishing it could be theirs. He acted like the fact that I had given him a present meant that hell had frozen over. I told him to open it, and when he saw the scarf... well, he looked up at me, and just...gazed. I didn't know what to make of it, but then he got up and came back with a little gift for me.
Well, I opened it, hoping that this whole thing would end James' blue period, but guess what he got me? A necklace! I mean, I'm talking *nice* here. It was silver, with a sapphire colored stone attached to the chain, and man, it looked expensive. I'd love it, but the fact that James had gotten me something so expensive when we didn't have that kind of money pissed me off.
Yes...I yelled at him. I told him off. He was quiet...he didn't talk back once, like he usually would. And when I ran out of things to get mad about, I ran outside to let out the rest of my steam, slamming the door behind me.
A few minutes later I came back in, feeling both better and sickeningly worse at the same time. I walked into the bedroom, and realized that James was gone.
I didn't see James for a long time. Actually, I haven't seen him at all since I ran out. I assume he left through the back door or something. Actually, I noticed that his journal was missing from its usual spot. What would he write about?! How I'm the biggest bitch in the whole world, the cruelest person he knows? Ha, well, it's true!
I would have apologized, but it wouldn't have been like me to do that. Besides, I never had much of a chance. I'd just like to know what's up with him though... he *is* my best friend, and I've never stayed mad at him. And, he's never kept things from me... I always find out, no matter what it takes. . .
~Jessie
~~~
It's still Christmas— well, I think it is. For all I know, it could be tomorrow, or maybe it's April Fool's Day. I don't give a damn. But I can't believe what I just found out...
I'm going to get ahead of myself, I just know it. All my thoughts are so cluttered. Where am I supposed to start?!
Well, okay... okay... how about at the beginning...
I wrote in my diary today, right? Well, you know those things I wrote...at the end of the entry? I kept thinking about them. In fact, I couldn't even sleep because I was thinking. I left the bedroom and went to the kitchen.
Well, the first thing I saw was James, dead asleep on the couch in the front room. I couldn't help but look at him, standing over the couch and watch him sleep peacefully. But his face was sad...
Anyway, I was worried about him, and only wanted to know for sure if he was alright. And that's when I saw his journal lying by him on the floor.
I just had to take a quick look— you understand, right? Wouldn't you?
Oh, I don't care what a frillin' book thinks about what I do— where was I?
I looked in his journal. I just... picked it up, and took it to the kitchen table. I was only going to skim over a few pages, but then something caught my attention :
My name.
Well, right then I had to stop and get a better look at that page. I started to read the entry— it was from a few months ago— and he was talking about how I had gotten mad at him and threatened him with a mallet because he screwed up our plan. Well, I do that a lot I guess, but I never thought he'd write that in his journal!!
But I didn't— couldn't— stop there. And maybe that was a big mistake.
I read several more entries— plans to get Pikachu that failed, meeting with the Boss so he could lecture us on how much we sucked, how we ditched the Team Rocket annual conference a couple months back. And I noticed a trend among them— me. Yes. James wrote about me in nearly every entry. Well, if that surprised me, it was nothing compared to what I found later.
Sure, the things he wrote about me at the beginning of the journal weren't much. It was mostly just casual mentioning of me, like if I came up with a plan, or said something substantial, or whatever. But then, I found one entry what was different than then others.
My own words can't really describe it, so here is exactly what he wrote:
~~~
~November 16~
Lately, I've been feeling strange. I guess I've been saying that, but today, I realized exactly what it was.
Tonight, we were camping out in the woods. Jessie was angry again... she is usually unhappy with me. I really wish she wouldn't be...lately, it's been making me feel really bad. She walked off by herself in a meadow nearby. I found myself following her... she sat out in the grass, and I knelt down behind the trees.
At that moment, as I watched her gaze up at the stars by herself, it clicked. I love her.
She's so beautiful, and so smart and clever. She knows what she wants and what she's doing all the time, but she doesn't know that I love her. And I can't tell her. I guess I'll just have to hope I'll get over it... but I don't know if I will. I always want to be with her, and hopefully...hopefully, if it's fate, she realize how I feel
— James
~~~
That's it. There are more, too... more like it. They start there, and just today he wrote about how much he wished I'd be kind to him, and understand how he feels. But now I know... James loves me.
I had no idea. Really. I never would have guessed that he's been in love with me for nearly two months, perhaps more. That's why I had to write about it right away.
James is still asleep on the couch. His journal is again lying by him on the floor. But now that I've looked at that little book... everything seems suddenly different.
~Jessie
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December 26
^^^^^^^^^^^
Today, I've been feeling really... well, odd. Looking at James gave me the weirdest, almost creepy feeling.
I don't know wether I'm glad or upset about looking at his journal. I never meant to get so much information, especially *that* information. How long would it take me to figure it out for myself? How long until he just told me? I don't know. But I'm so confused, I don't know how to handle this. What should I do?!
And then, there's another problem. James has always been my best friend. He's always been there with me, it seems, since my mom died. We flunked Pokemon Tech together, joined the Bike Gang together, became members of Team Rocket together. But through all that, never once have I mused about James and I having a relationship more than friends. And, of course, I never imagined that James would think that. But here we are...
I think that I should talk to him. Not now, necessarily, but soon. Maybe I'll admit to reading his journal, and flat out tell him that this love thing can't work between us.
Can it?
...What am I saying?! No, it *can't*.
~Jessie
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December 27
^^^^^^^^^^^
James won't stop moping.
Whenever he sees me, he acts like a mouse in the presence of a hungry cat. Then, whenever he can, he'll run off someplace to be alone.
I can't help but feel completely at blame. It's like he was building up hope, and I kicked it down. And to tell him that I really don't love him would break his heart...I know him that well. Normally, I'd kill him fr loving me, but I can't bring myself to even consider hurting him. He's so sensitive.
Oh— not that that's a *bad* thing. Sensitive is fine. I've just never seen James act so sad, and he just seems so...so...damaged.
Anyway— it hasn't snowed lately. That's nice.
What am I *trying* to *do*?! I'm trying to use a diversion! Well... that won't work. For days, all I've been able to think about is James. James, James, James. Is he really okay? Is he actually as sad as he seems? Does he really *love* me? Is that possible? Am I asking myself too many questions at once?
Argh! All I've been through in my hard life is like nothing compared to the mental battle that's going on in my head. Oh my...I...I'm even starting to cry! Dear God, please let this whole thing go away soon...
~Jessie
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December 28
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It's not going away. It's only getting worse.
Today, James didn't even make breakfast. He loves to cook, too, you know, but he just sat on the couch and stared out the window. I couldn't help but watch him, look into his sad, cute face. There's nothing bad about James. He's been annoying before, but now I'd do anything for him to act stupid or say something pointless. He's acting so... serious.
But earlier today, I was thinking. This is destroying me. All these emotions are taking me over, and I suddenly feel like this diary is all I have. I mean, in a time that I wish my mom was here to talk to, I have the book that she gave me. Maybe it's coincidence...maybe it's fate.
But I still wish I could talk to someone about this... I mean, a diary is nice, but it can't give me any advice on the situation.
Wow...I just realized this, but for four days straight I've written about nothing except James.
But then, he's all I can think about.
~Jessie
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December 29
^^^^^^^^^^^
It just occurred to me— it's almost the new year.
Normally, us three would sit down together, drinking either sparkling cider or a glass of cheap wine, and count down the minutes until midnight. Not very exciting, but it's...well, tradition.
This year, however, I couldn't care a fig about what we do because I'll be lucky if James joins us for whatever it is. I think I've taken for granted James' company. He's a neat person, after all. I guess I didn't notice it so much as I do now.
Nothing has happened lately. Well, at least, I don't think so. It's only about three in the afternoon right now. I'm bored, and wallowing in guilt for what I've done to James.
Speaking of which. . .
James keeps leaving; usually he's not in the cabin at all. Maybe he's off somewhere outside, on his own. Alone, as usual.
I wonder where Meowth is? Dunno. I'm not writing anything useful, so I'll go now.
~Jessie
~ ~ ~
You won't believe this. I still don't believe it. But I just finished a very long conversation with Meowth.
Yes. I told all my troubles to the cat...and, oddly enough, I feel a smidgen or two better.
I was pacing around outside, wondering about James (duh...) And Meowth came out and asked me what was going on. He told me that he thought both me and James were acting strange, and he squeezed everything out of me. I told him... I explained about James and how I'd been curious and read his journal. I told him about how James was in love with me, and how I kept hurting him and didn't know what to do.
The cat, being the psychiatrist that he naturally is, told me that if James was so crazy about me, I should at least consider the idea of loving him back. I almost slugged him for that, but then he stopped me quickly by telling me that I'd be wise to at least consider it.
And, though I haven't wanted to do as Meowth suggested, I have been thinking. Maybe even considering. Okay, I *have* been considering. And I know James so well...I know his secrets (until this one, which I did figure out, now didn't I?)and his hopes and dreams. I know what he's been through and that he's never felt real, true love...unless...unless....
Okay. I'll just say this. I've decided that I don't *not* love James. Did that make any sense at all?
I haven't been admitting this to myself. I haven't been writing it here at all. But... come to think of it, I'm realizing that I like James. A lot. Oh, what the hell— I love him. I love James!!
I LOVE JAMES!!!
Damn, it feels good to say that...
He's adorable, he's sweet, he's a gentleman, he's caring, he's intellectual...he's too good for me, to tell you the truth.
Oh my.... did I just *write* that?! Well, fine then. Let it be known. I'm in love with James, so eat your hearts out, all you cute little diary-writing pre-teens!!
How do I tell him?! Am I supposed to walk up to him and say, "Hi James. I read your journal, and yes— I love you too!"
Hahaha. Some way to win his trust.
Well, I can think about it, but... all I know is now, I want to let him know soon.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 30
^^^^^^^^^^^
I am a nervous wreck!!
Now, whenever I see James (which isn't very often) my heart does a flip. How can I fall in love?! With him?!? This isn't supposed to happen, it just isn't!!
But then, why *is* it happening? I like seeing him, and my own pride is driving me insane!
I don't know what I'm even doing here. I've been alone in my room...well, it's James' room too...but I've just been sitting here for an hour, thinking all about this. I have hardly spoken a word to the man I'm in love with since I yelled at him. Yelled at him for being NICE TO ME!!!! He loved me, and I just had to YELL AT HIM!!
I have no one to talk to, and nowhere to go. And I know that James is lying alone...he's pretending to be asleep, I know...on the couch...
What am I doing? Why don't I go out there right this minute and say that I'm sorry?!? THIS HAS TO END!!! Oh that's *IT*!
____________________________________________________________________________
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The bedroom door opened slowly, the red-haired girl emerging carefully from the room and into the hall. Her face was wet from crying, and she tried to bite back another wave of tears that was coming, holding her breath as she came upon the loft ladder.
She peeked beyond it— yes, he was still lying on the couch— and thought a moment before allowing herself to continue forward. Her steps were soundless...
She let her knees bend, and she sat beside the couch and watched the blue-haired boy that lay there.
'He's so... so... adorable,' she thought. She'd never really thought of him that way before now.
Looking closer, she found that he had been crying, too. His face was stained and red from tears...
'Oh, James, what have I done to you....?' An overwhelming feeling came over her whole being, and she put her arms around him and hugged him tight.
He stirred. "...Jessie?" His voice was surprised.
"James...I need to..." She found it so hard to speak.
"Jessie...what's going on?"
"I have to tell you something..."
James sat up, Jessie's arms still around him, and she moved up by him on the couch.
"I'm so, so sorry..." she started, the tears finally escaping, "I hurt you so much..."
James gulped. "Jessie, are you alright?"
"No!! No! I'm not at all alright! I've beat you, yelled at you, ignored you, and it's about time that I started to feel bad about that! Look what I've done to you, James!! You'll barely even talk to me!" She sobbed, and went on.
"I loved your present," she said through the tears, "I love it a lot! Look, I'm wearing it right now!" She held to the chain that was presently about her neck. "I didn't mean to yell at you! I'm an awful, terrible person, and I don't deserve to..." She began to sob loudly again.
Now it was James' turn to comfort. "Jessie..." he said softly, wrapping his arms around her, "it's...okay..."
"N..no! It's..s...not!" she cried. "There's even more!"
"More?"
"More that I've d..done!!" She buried her face in her hands and cried harder.
James held her tighter, confused. "You can tell me."
It was several minutes before Jessie could contain herself enough to talk again. "J..James...I wanted to know what was wrong with you. I just saw your journal lying there, James, and I had to...to..." She sniffed. "James, I read your journal! I'm so sorry!!" She tried not to break down again, but couldn't ward it off.
James, still hugging the weeping Jessie, loosened his grip on her a little. His face went pale. "Jess...you...read..."
"I'm..ss..so sorry!" she wailed, and held onto him tighter. "But there's more to it than that!!"
James, who was still a shade white, was quiet.
"James, I love you, too."
James' head shot to look at her. His eyes were scared...but so beautiful, Jessie thought, as they had always been.
The sobbing stopped. Both were silent.
"You...you're in love with me?" James asked nervously.
Jessie nodded, letting go of James and staring at him intently. He was so cute...
Silence. Then, a moment later...
"Oh, thank God!" James said, throwing his arms around the girl again. "I don't care if you read it, as long as it's true..." He was crying now as he held to her.
"You...you don't care? You're not mad?" Jessie asked, her head against his chest.
"No, not now! I don't care, as long as you're saying you love me because you really mean it!"
"I do, James!" Jessie cried, "I do love you! I didn't want to at first, but I really do!!"
And through it all, as the two poured out their hearts to each other, the rose-covered book lay closed on the bed down the hall.
~ ~ ~
The moonlight reflected from the snow amidst the trees, and the two people beneath it looked up to the stars.
Jessie and James sat on a cliff edge, bundled up together in a blanket as the chill breeze caressed them. A bottle of champagne sat in the snow, partly gone, and the two people payed no attention to it now.
"How much longer?" Jessie asked, looking to James' watch.
"Not long," he told her, "but I can't hold off much longer..." He kissed her lightly on the forehead.
She giggled softly. How long had it been since she had giggled?
"This is the strangest New Years Eve I can think of," James said to his new love, touching her cheek.
"Strange is good, though," she told him, "don't you think?"
"Yes. Especially since Meowth let us be alone." They laughed, the joyful sound echoing over the canyon.
"Oooh, look! One minute!" They both stared at the watch, and counted quietly to themselves.
"...ten....nine....eight...seven..." They were counting louder now.
"...three...two....one...." Practically yelling...
And with that, their lips met, and they held to each other as a passionate New Year's kiss ensued.
Below, other bright, colored fireworks were going off over the little town of Blanktown. But they didn't notice...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
____________________________________________________________________________
January 1
^^^^^^^^
You know how, after you win a race, you run a victory lap? I feel like this entry is— because it's my last.
I feel like things are perfect. Different, but perfect. I don't want to write about it all now, because words can't describe how I'm feeling. But it's good.
James and I are in love, that's for sure. I told him everything. I can't believe I did that, but now I'm glad I did. It wasn't easy, either— I had to admit to reading his journal. He told me it was okay, though, as long as I really loved him.
And love feels so good to be in love, especially with James.
I never realized how much I cared about him...
We spent New Year's Eve together, too, and brought in the New Year with a kiss. I never thought I'd kiss James, ever, but it feels right now. Geez, it feels strange to write about this!
Strange as it is, though, the fact that I found this diary feels, to me, like fate. If mom had never given it to me, maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe I never would have thought or noticed things that I have been lately, and maybe I never would have found out that James loved me.... and that I loved him.
I don't think I'll be needing to write here anymore. I think that I should shut this book and all of my worries inside of it. But before I do sign for the last time....
...Thanks, mom.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
_____
~Fin~
_____
____________________________________________________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~To Jessie,
Love, Mom~*~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
____________________________________________________________________________
December 16
^^^^^^^^^^^^
This has to be one of the most screwed-up things I've ever decided to do, I just know it. I mean, *me*, Jessie, writing stuff in a diary! Well, anyway, I guess you could say there's a *reason* for this.
What should I write? Oh, I know— I'll explain why I even *have* this thing.
I was down at the good old Team Rocket HQ (haha), looking through some old boxes in storage. That was something I'd never had to do before.
Usually, about this time, the Boss gives us a little bonus, for Christmas. You may be thinking, "Awww, that's nice!", but if you are, you're thinking wrong. He doesn't have the 'Christmas Spirit' and he never has. Actually, I know for a fact that he's trying to get us to work harder. Most members of Team Rocket, even the best ones, tend to slack off this time of year. Giovanni must think a little bonus (more like a bribe) will motivate us to work harder. Well, if that's his crack-brained plot, it's never worked on me. I always spent the money on other things— usually for myself. Well deserved things.
But anyway (I guess I'm not too good at writing in this thing. . .I was *only* going to write one page and look how much I've strayed from the topic already!), James and Meowth (oh yeah, they're my partners) and I had been waiting for our paychecks for a week, expecting them to come any day. But when they did come, well, let's just say there was no bonus there. In fact, if anything, that damned slavedriver gave us *less* then our regular pay, and that's pretty low. That got me pissed, but of course, there was nothing I could do. He must have realized at last that we couldn't be motivated to work during the holidays, but I though everyone knew that.
So, today, I remembered that I had a few old boxes of stuff stored there at the HQ, and I figured I could probably pawn some of it off for some extra cash. I'll tell you, there wasn't much there. But I *did* find this lovely little book, and then, I remembered that my mom had given it to me when I was like seven or something. She even wrote an inscription in the front of it, see?
I remembered back when mom had told me to start writing in it, and maybe someday, when I was gone, other people would know all about my life. I thought that sounded exciting, I'm sure, but I never started to write in it anyway. My mom died shortly after that. . .
Ok, enough of that. This isn't some touching made for T.V. movie. There are too many of those in the world as it is.
But, anyway, back on topic. So I found this nice little diary; (I don't know how mom even afforded it) and I wanted to pawn it right of. Considering my other junk, I would probably profit the most money from it , though I must say, that's pretty sad. But then, I see the inscription, and all the memories of how mom had really wanted me to write in it came back to me, and so, I decided I could at least keep the thing.
I wasn't going to actually *write* in it, I mean, God forbid that I, Jessie of the infamous Team Rocket, start writing in a dinky little diary! But there it sat, lying on my sleeping bag, and I saw it just sitting there, as if it were *begging* me to do something. And then I got to thinking...I mean, James has a journal that he writes in all the time. He may be a wimp, but still....I dunno. I wondered what it felt like and all.
So I just had to pick it up and look through it again. I swear, the pen leapt into my hand! I just...just started to write, and now—
Wait a minute. Am I turning into a slave of this diary, writing down everything I'm thinking? Argh! I'd better sum this up.
It's getting dark...and it's cold, too. But tomorrow, I'll try to sell my stuff and get a hotel in town. Well, anyway, it's late, as I said, and I should go to sleep. Even James has come in and finished writing in his journal, and he writes forever!
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 18
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well, it's definitely winter now.
James, Meowth and I woke up to snow outside our tent. Goody. I just *love* the cold.
Argh! There I go again with the sarcasm. I knew I always was critical, but then here I am, jotting it all down in this cutesy little book. There are roses on the cover, for crying out loud! You'd think a ten-year-old were writing down their pre-teen crushes in here or something. Surprise to whoever opens this when I'm gone.
And there I go with the off-topic thing. Hell, I'm so bad at this. OK, let's see—
Snow. Yeah— we woke up to snow. We were all freezing our rears off, of course, and we quickly got dressed, shivering all the while. Hey, and to make it worse, we didn't even have coats. James has a long-sleeved over shirt and pants, Meowth has a nice warm fur coat; but me— *I've* got a mini-skirt and a bare midriff. Aren't I lucky? Well, hey— for fashion, certain sacrifices must be made.
We got our stuff together and started trudging on through the ever-increasing snow. You know, it totally reminded me of how old people will sit in front of their grandkids, boring them to tears, and say, "When I was a young'un, we had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow, uphill both ways...."
Anyway, we weren't sure what we should do, like, where to stay, so we found a trail and walked to the nearest town. It took us hours, and we were all irritable. I nearly whacked James and Meowth upside the head numerous times for complaining. Wow, I'm such a hypocrite.
At _long_ last, we reached a dinky little down, and looked all over for a hotel. The only one we found, of course, was full (I mean, come on— with our luck how could it *not*?). We at least wanted to get out of the snow, which was still falling steadily, so we retreated to the nearest building we saw— a PokeMart.
"Why don't we call the HQ and see it any of the Team's cabins are vacant?" James had suggested. "I swear there was one around here..." I had to agree, that was probably one of his better ideas.
And that's what we did.
There was, lucky for us, a vid phone in that very shop, so we called right away.
It turned out that there *was* a cabin in the mountains about a mile or so away from where we were at present. Maybe our luck wasn't so bad.
The rest of that day was spent *getting* to the cabin. It was like hell had literally frozen over— I mean, we were mostly complaining, or slipping, or losing out way. Were we as bad as the twerps were with directions? But we got there by nightfall, just the same.
Today hasn't been too eventful. I suppose that's the reason I started writing in this thing again, I mean, writing isn't all that exciting. It was hard to find a place on my on to write, too. I don't think that either James or Meowth know what I've been doing, and I intend to keep it that way.
Oooh, I smell James' cooking! I *am* pretty hungry...
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 19
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why am I writing again? I thought I hated this diary idea! Hmph.
I guess I just like writing everything down. There's a feeling of security in that (it's not like me to say that, is it? I'd erase it, but hey, that's the downfall of using a pen).
There was a blizzard last night. We all found it hard to sleep, as the wind decided to not only flip up several shingles (not as quietly as it could have, either), but on top of that it caused our precious power to go out. Forever it was like a blanket of pitch black covered the cabin. James started to gripe, and we were bored out of our skulls. Hand it to Meowth to suggest that we play hide-and-seek in the dark, though— James and I snubbed the idea ("We're too mature for *that*, Meowth!"), but after another hour of darkness, the cat had us convinced.
Amusingly enough, we had a lot of fun. The cabin is two floors— the main floor and the loft. One time (Meowth was it), I had been heading for the coat closet (which, by the way, *doesn't* have coats in it), but decided it would be wiser to hide in the loft. I blindly stumbled to the ladder and climbed, figuring that I could hide behind the bookshelf in the corner. I soundlessly walked to it, crouched, and concealed myself, waiting for the cat to finish his countdown. I was feeling pretty confident in my location, and just then, I heard a soft voice in my ear.
"Great minds think alike, eh, Jess?"
"AHHHH!" I swear, I jumped 6 feet in the air. James had been crouching right by me the whole time!
Needless to say, Meowth won that round...
Today the power is back on (thankfully), and we've busied ourselves with the immense task of shoveling the walk. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I think the snow piled up as high as me or James out there. There was only one shovel, so we worked in shifts. After that, James cooked a huge pancake breakfast— it was like IHOP had come to us.
Right now, I just got out of a hot (well, lukewarm) bath, and I just sat down on the bed and there was this cursed book. Must I always write in it? Who's gonna end up reading it, anyway? I doubt that I want to know.
It's about 5 right now— I'm exhausted. I wonder when we'll actually start our next assignment. And even if we don't. . .well, it's nearly x-mas, after all.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 20
^^^^^^^^^^^^
We didn't go on any assignments today. If anyone asks, it's because of the snow (yeah, that's it).
Actually, it hasn't snowed at all, not since the blizzard. Not that *we* mind, of course. But since there is snow left, and so much of it, James proclaimed that starting today, we were officially on x-mas vacation. And I was glad he did.
Our "Opening Ceremonies" for our holiday was a snowball fight (it must sound like all we do is play, huh? Well, for now, that's mostly true...). I was pissed at James when he dragged me out of our cozy cabin. I mean, I had just done my hair and all (do you have *any* idea how much effort I go to to perfect my hair everyday? It's like a delicate sculpture, and it takes a skilled artist to do it just right. Of course, James has no respect for that!), but even with my struggling, he urged me outside.
"Come on, Jess! Let's just have some fun!"
"But James, it's *freezing* out there! Does turning into an ice sculpture sound like fun to you? Are you crazy?"
"I guess so, but it's better than staying cooped up in there!"
I submitted, but only because I really *was* a little sick of staying indoors.
"OK, James. But I don't want to— ARGH! No!!"
I didn't know that Meowth had been preparing snowballs already, and James and I were showered with a barrage of snowy missiles.
I guess I forgot about my hair after that, because I didn't hesitate at all the join the fight. I'd get even with Meowth. Actually, I never knew it, but James is pretty good at, er, snowball throwing. Where I lacked in distance, he definitely made up for it and then some. But I had the strength, and I pelted Meowth so hard once I thought I'd knocked him out cold.
James and I, as a team, defeated Meowth and his evil snowball army.
We went back toward our cabin— it had begun to get dark— and it was so cold, I was freely shivering. James, who had managed miraculously to stay quite dry, took off his over shirt and let me wear it. I wouldn't have accepted, but he sort of insisted, the gentleman that he is, and I was grateful. I'm not the type to take sympathy from anyone but I guess this was different.
We would have made hot chocolate, but after searching the whole cabin, we found there was none to be had. James had already started water to boil, so we got mugs and drank hot water. Pretty creative, huh?
Look how many pages I've filled in this book already! I don't know if I should be proud or disgusted...I could be wrong, but when I'm dead, will people really care that I was in a snowball fight or that I played hide-and-seek during a power outage?
Well, hey— some people are easily entertained.
____________________________________________________________________________
December 21
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Where's the Meowth balloon when you need it the most?
Well, of course we didn't have it today, and today we discovered how very low our rations were. We had to go to town.
"It's OK," James had said, "I'm sure there are snowmobiles or skis back in the shed somewhere."
Well, we took a look in this shed, and you'll never believe it— no snowmobiles. Hell, there weren't even skis. But of course, who cares about that, because we *did* find snowshoes.
"We might as well *swim* through the snow," I said to James. "We'll get there faster that way."
He smiled at me, and persuaded me to at least try them.
Interesting things, snowshoes. I don't know if there are modern ones with insulated souls and a special new design with rocket boosters, but if there are we didn't see them. Given the fact that our lovely organization known as Team Rocket *always* buys the most top notch, expensive and up-to-date equipment for its members (Hah! You know I'm laughing now, right?), we of course only found the wooden ones that were made by Eskimo dudes like a billion years ago.
Well, there were only two pairs, and so we went through all the reasons that particular ones of us should or shouldn't go. My excuses were lame, but I guess *none* of us really had a good reason to stay at the cabin, besides the fact that it was warm and comfortably furnished.
And with that, the rock-paper-scissors championship began (best out of three, of course).
Well, to make a long story short, James and I were selected to go. I guess I never realized how good at rock-paper-scissors Meowth was....
Anyway, we both knew that we'd have to bundle up, and since we didn't have coats, we got some blankets from the loft closet. We each took one, rolling them up on our packs so if we developed the beginnings of hypothermia, we would have a chance of survival.
We departed about noon. I'd never used snowshoes before, not that I recall, and I learned that it's an odd feeling. I felt really insecure— like treading over thin ice. I mean, it's like you're walking on top of snow that's several feet deep, and I could have sworn that I was going to just fall through it at any given time.
I know that even as I tried to hide it, James could tell that I was nervous. He kept saying I could hold onto him if I wanted, but I don't know why he'd want me to. It's like he always wants to help me out these days, like it's the Christmas spirit or something. I'm just fine— I don't need someone holding my hand all the time. That's not the way I am.
Getting down the trail was tricky. We decided that it could be awkward to walk down such a steep slope in our snowshoes, so I suggested that we sled down. Of course, I had equipped us with the most top-notch, highest grade sleds available (two black garbage bags), so that was no trouble.
We slid down the mountain the remainder of the way, both of us having our fair share of trials along the way as we plowed trails through the snow (which wasn't as deep where we were), falling off countless times.
I was quite relieved when we came to the main road where the town was visible. Reading a sign at the bottom of the mountain trail, we realized that the town's name was Blanktown. Fitting name for such a bland place.
Anyhoo, there was a store open there at least, so we restocked on supplies for our cabin. We got some flour, eggs, chocolate cocoa (of course), sugar, and all those necessities, plus a few treats for the hell of it. We had two bags full of crap to take back up...that was fun, really. We each hauled a bag up the snowy trail ...I swear I was going to fall straight down through the snow and disappear from the face of the earth.
Believe it or not, it took us most of a day to complete our journey. Man, it was cold the whole way. I kept wanting to stop and rest, but James said that if I stopped, I might never get up, and if I fell asleep I could die. You know, I'm suddenly reminded of my mom... when *she* went onto the mountains and never returned. Did *she* stop to rest?
Well, anyway, we cooked T.V. dinners over a fire tonight (James was too tired to cook). We also got to drinking that hot chocolate we had wanted yesterday. I'm pretty beat now, and I think I hear James coming to write in his journal, so I think I'd better go.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 22
^^^^^^^^^^^
Mmmm, the cabin still smells so good...
We all decided to just rest today— you know, relax. My legs ache, so I was grateful to stay inside and recuperate from yesterdays strenuous hike.
Of course, it was James' idea to bake Christmas cookies. Me and Meowth were all for the idea, so off to the kitchen we went.
We had purchased all the necessary ingredients at the store, so we made some sugar cookies and cut them into shapes.
We only had a couple of cutters, so soon we got kind of creative with the cookie shapes. James and I attempted to carve our figures into the dough— me with my perfectly sculpted curl of hair and all. Meowth even followed our example and used his claws to scratch out a cookie- replica of himself.
They turned out half decent, as far as I'm concerned. Of course, the highlights of our cookie making experience were our Rocket Cookies. We all decided to eat each others, so we all swapped cookies, me getting Meowth's, James eating mine, and Meowth ending up with James'. And they were good...
James told us to save a few for Christmas Eve, so we stored some of the cookies away (is James becoming the boss around here?!). Well, he's got a point, I mean, isn't x-mas eve really the day to scarf cookies and milk and all that? I dunno. That's the way it was when I was a kid.
But anyway, we were all stuffed from cookies, and so we sat out in front of the fire to just relax (I swear, the fireplace is the only thing that works in this cabin). Well, I felt a bit drowsy, so I just lay down and used James' lap as a pillow. His legs went stiff, and, confused, I glanced up at his face. He looked so... so... well, surprised, and uncomfortable, so I shot back up and just sat there for a minute. What is wrong with that boy? He's my partner— I mean, I've always used him as a kind of slave...he also makes, and has always made, a nice pillow. So... what's with his little attitude today? Oh, whatever. I don't care. James is James, after all.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 23
^^^^^^^^^^^
Typical day. You know, we don't usually exchange gifts at x-mas... er, well, *I* never really give gifts, anyway. But I almost feel like getting *something* for my partners. All the years we've been together, and I've never thought to get them x-mas gifts. But... I didn't buy them anything, and it's not like I could cook or make them something. I have nothing to give. Maybe I'll slip off to Blanktown and see what they have in the gift department....
Oh, I dunno. We'll see what I do.
You know... ever since the couch thing yesterday, I've been noticing things about James, watching him a little closer. Yes... he is acting a tad strange. He seems nervous, like when I'm around him. Maybe he doesn't like me, or he's scared of me, or...or....oh, I get it. He must be hiding a gift from me or something. Well, that's my best interpretation of it, anyway.
I guess nothing happened today, though. I mean, unless yo—
____________________________________________________________________________
December 24
^^^^^^^^^^^
Yowch, *that* was close!! My cover was almost blown, and I can't let that happen! James walked in just as I was writing last night. I had to shove this under my pillow and he almost caught me...he seemed a little startled to see me in here alone, doing nothing, but he told me that he was tired and was going to bed. Well, as you can guess, I never got the chance to write more.
Today...hmm. It's Christmas Eve, and as I speak it's beginning to snow. No, not a blizzard— just a nice little snowstorm. All day it was overcast, and we'd heard reports on the radio.
I found a chance to get to Blanktown today, though. Since much of the snow had either packed or melted, I found it to be a much easier task than before.
I didn't have much money, of course, but I stretched what I had as far as it would go. I knew that I couldn't get them very good presents, but then, they're lucky to get anything from me. We don't have the money to spoil ourselves or each other, so most of our money has to go toward necessities. That's how it was for my mom and I when I was young. Instead of what I wanted, it was always what I *needed*. I guess it's a habit now, though there are exceptions to that rule (i.e, hair spray....heheh...).
But today, I found a nice little shop with inexpensive gifts. I got for James a scarf... cheaply made, I'm sure, but nice just the same. It's green and fuzzy... the color of his eyes, I guess you could say.
And for Meowth; I bought him a simple ball of yarn and just a *pinch* of catnip. I guess that catnip is like drugs for cats, but I know that Meowth will enjoy it so it's all good. At any rate, it should shut him up for a while.
Oh, yeah— later, when I had gotten back and the gifts were wrapped, I felt like doing something for fun (it *is* Christmas eve, so we could have our own little party, you know?). I asked James if we could play a game of Pictionary or Charades or something (and I'm usually not the type to suggest such a thing, either). Well, it was so weird, but he told me that he'd rather not, and went up to the loft. Imagine that! I actually wanted to do something he'd generally have to force me to do any other day, and then he decides to mope!
I wonder... is he really okay?
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 25
^^^^^^^^^^^
Christmas is over, night has come already, and James is still acting the same. Heh, if anything, he's worse!
Let me explain what happened, then. . .
This morning at breakfast, I handed out my gifts. Yeah, needless to say, the guys were pretty surprised. Meowth opened his first (James just kinda *stared* at his box) and he fell right out of his chair. Actually, he didn't get back up— he must have gotten a whiff of the catnip.
James was pretty quiet. He looked at the present like a starving child looks at someone's juicy piece of steak, wishing it could be theirs. He acted like the fact that I had given him a present meant that hell had frozen over. I told him to open it, and when he saw the scarf... well, he looked up at me, and just...gazed. I didn't know what to make of it, but then he got up and came back with a little gift for me.
Well, I opened it, hoping that this whole thing would end James' blue period, but guess what he got me? A necklace! I mean, I'm talking *nice* here. It was silver, with a sapphire colored stone attached to the chain, and man, it looked expensive. I'd love it, but the fact that James had gotten me something so expensive when we didn't have that kind of money pissed me off.
Yes...I yelled at him. I told him off. He was quiet...he didn't talk back once, like he usually would. And when I ran out of things to get mad about, I ran outside to let out the rest of my steam, slamming the door behind me.
A few minutes later I came back in, feeling both better and sickeningly worse at the same time. I walked into the bedroom, and realized that James was gone.
I didn't see James for a long time. Actually, I haven't seen him at all since I ran out. I assume he left through the back door or something. Actually, I noticed that his journal was missing from its usual spot. What would he write about?! How I'm the biggest bitch in the whole world, the cruelest person he knows? Ha, well, it's true!
I would have apologized, but it wouldn't have been like me to do that. Besides, I never had much of a chance. I'd just like to know what's up with him though... he *is* my best friend, and I've never stayed mad at him. And, he's never kept things from me... I always find out, no matter what it takes. . .
~Jessie
~~~
It's still Christmas— well, I think it is. For all I know, it could be tomorrow, or maybe it's April Fool's Day. I don't give a damn. But I can't believe what I just found out...
I'm going to get ahead of myself, I just know it. All my thoughts are so cluttered. Where am I supposed to start?!
Well, okay... okay... how about at the beginning...
I wrote in my diary today, right? Well, you know those things I wrote...at the end of the entry? I kept thinking about them. In fact, I couldn't even sleep because I was thinking. I left the bedroom and went to the kitchen.
Well, the first thing I saw was James, dead asleep on the couch in the front room. I couldn't help but look at him, standing over the couch and watch him sleep peacefully. But his face was sad...
Anyway, I was worried about him, and only wanted to know for sure if he was alright. And that's when I saw his journal lying by him on the floor.
I just had to take a quick look— you understand, right? Wouldn't you?
Oh, I don't care what a frillin' book thinks about what I do— where was I?
I looked in his journal. I just... picked it up, and took it to the kitchen table. I was only going to skim over a few pages, but then something caught my attention :
My name.
Well, right then I had to stop and get a better look at that page. I started to read the entry— it was from a few months ago— and he was talking about how I had gotten mad at him and threatened him with a mallet because he screwed up our plan. Well, I do that a lot I guess, but I never thought he'd write that in his journal!!
But I didn't— couldn't— stop there. And maybe that was a big mistake.
I read several more entries— plans to get Pikachu that failed, meeting with the Boss so he could lecture us on how much we sucked, how we ditched the Team Rocket annual conference a couple months back. And I noticed a trend among them— me. Yes. James wrote about me in nearly every entry. Well, if that surprised me, it was nothing compared to what I found later.
Sure, the things he wrote about me at the beginning of the journal weren't much. It was mostly just casual mentioning of me, like if I came up with a plan, or said something substantial, or whatever. But then, I found one entry what was different than then others.
My own words can't really describe it, so here is exactly what he wrote:
~~~
~November 16~
Lately, I've been feeling strange. I guess I've been saying that, but today, I realized exactly what it was.
Tonight, we were camping out in the woods. Jessie was angry again... she is usually unhappy with me. I really wish she wouldn't be...lately, it's been making me feel really bad. She walked off by herself in a meadow nearby. I found myself following her... she sat out in the grass, and I knelt down behind the trees.
At that moment, as I watched her gaze up at the stars by herself, it clicked. I love her.
She's so beautiful, and so smart and clever. She knows what she wants and what she's doing all the time, but she doesn't know that I love her. And I can't tell her. I guess I'll just have to hope I'll get over it... but I don't know if I will. I always want to be with her, and hopefully...hopefully, if it's fate, she realize how I feel
— James
~~~
That's it. There are more, too... more like it. They start there, and just today he wrote about how much he wished I'd be kind to him, and understand how he feels. But now I know... James loves me.
I had no idea. Really. I never would have guessed that he's been in love with me for nearly two months, perhaps more. That's why I had to write about it right away.
James is still asleep on the couch. His journal is again lying by him on the floor. But now that I've looked at that little book... everything seems suddenly different.
~Jessie
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December 26
^^^^^^^^^^^
Today, I've been feeling really... well, odd. Looking at James gave me the weirdest, almost creepy feeling.
I don't know wether I'm glad or upset about looking at his journal. I never meant to get so much information, especially *that* information. How long would it take me to figure it out for myself? How long until he just told me? I don't know. But I'm so confused, I don't know how to handle this. What should I do?!
And then, there's another problem. James has always been my best friend. He's always been there with me, it seems, since my mom died. We flunked Pokemon Tech together, joined the Bike Gang together, became members of Team Rocket together. But through all that, never once have I mused about James and I having a relationship more than friends. And, of course, I never imagined that James would think that. But here we are...
I think that I should talk to him. Not now, necessarily, but soon. Maybe I'll admit to reading his journal, and flat out tell him that this love thing can't work between us.
Can it?
...What am I saying?! No, it *can't*.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 27
^^^^^^^^^^^
James won't stop moping.
Whenever he sees me, he acts like a mouse in the presence of a hungry cat. Then, whenever he can, he'll run off someplace to be alone.
I can't help but feel completely at blame. It's like he was building up hope, and I kicked it down. And to tell him that I really don't love him would break his heart...I know him that well. Normally, I'd kill him fr loving me, but I can't bring myself to even consider hurting him. He's so sensitive.
Oh— not that that's a *bad* thing. Sensitive is fine. I've just never seen James act so sad, and he just seems so...so...damaged.
Anyway— it hasn't snowed lately. That's nice.
What am I *trying* to *do*?! I'm trying to use a diversion! Well... that won't work. For days, all I've been able to think about is James. James, James, James. Is he really okay? Is he actually as sad as he seems? Does he really *love* me? Is that possible? Am I asking myself too many questions at once?
Argh! All I've been through in my hard life is like nothing compared to the mental battle that's going on in my head. Oh my...I...I'm even starting to cry! Dear God, please let this whole thing go away soon...
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 28
^^^^^^^^^^^
It's not going away. It's only getting worse.
Today, James didn't even make breakfast. He loves to cook, too, you know, but he just sat on the couch and stared out the window. I couldn't help but watch him, look into his sad, cute face. There's nothing bad about James. He's been annoying before, but now I'd do anything for him to act stupid or say something pointless. He's acting so... serious.
But earlier today, I was thinking. This is destroying me. All these emotions are taking me over, and I suddenly feel like this diary is all I have. I mean, in a time that I wish my mom was here to talk to, I have the book that she gave me. Maybe it's coincidence...maybe it's fate.
But I still wish I could talk to someone about this... I mean, a diary is nice, but it can't give me any advice on the situation.
Wow...I just realized this, but for four days straight I've written about nothing except James.
But then, he's all I can think about.
~Jessie
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December 29
^^^^^^^^^^^
It just occurred to me— it's almost the new year.
Normally, us three would sit down together, drinking either sparkling cider or a glass of cheap wine, and count down the minutes until midnight. Not very exciting, but it's...well, tradition.
This year, however, I couldn't care a fig about what we do because I'll be lucky if James joins us for whatever it is. I think I've taken for granted James' company. He's a neat person, after all. I guess I didn't notice it so much as I do now.
Nothing has happened lately. Well, at least, I don't think so. It's only about three in the afternoon right now. I'm bored, and wallowing in guilt for what I've done to James.
Speaking of which. . .
James keeps leaving; usually he's not in the cabin at all. Maybe he's off somewhere outside, on his own. Alone, as usual.
I wonder where Meowth is? Dunno. I'm not writing anything useful, so I'll go now.
~Jessie
~ ~ ~
You won't believe this. I still don't believe it. But I just finished a very long conversation with Meowth.
Yes. I told all my troubles to the cat...and, oddly enough, I feel a smidgen or two better.
I was pacing around outside, wondering about James (duh...) And Meowth came out and asked me what was going on. He told me that he thought both me and James were acting strange, and he squeezed everything out of me. I told him... I explained about James and how I'd been curious and read his journal. I told him about how James was in love with me, and how I kept hurting him and didn't know what to do.
The cat, being the psychiatrist that he naturally is, told me that if James was so crazy about me, I should at least consider the idea of loving him back. I almost slugged him for that, but then he stopped me quickly by telling me that I'd be wise to at least consider it.
And, though I haven't wanted to do as Meowth suggested, I have been thinking. Maybe even considering. Okay, I *have* been considering. And I know James so well...I know his secrets (until this one, which I did figure out, now didn't I?)and his hopes and dreams. I know what he's been through and that he's never felt real, true love...unless...unless....
Okay. I'll just say this. I've decided that I don't *not* love James. Did that make any sense at all?
I haven't been admitting this to myself. I haven't been writing it here at all. But... come to think of it, I'm realizing that I like James. A lot. Oh, what the hell— I love him. I love James!!
I LOVE JAMES!!!
Damn, it feels good to say that...
He's adorable, he's sweet, he's a gentleman, he's caring, he's intellectual...he's too good for me, to tell you the truth.
Oh my.... did I just *write* that?! Well, fine then. Let it be known. I'm in love with James, so eat your hearts out, all you cute little diary-writing pre-teens!!
How do I tell him?! Am I supposed to walk up to him and say, "Hi James. I read your journal, and yes— I love you too!"
Hahaha. Some way to win his trust.
Well, I can think about it, but... all I know is now, I want to let him know soon.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
December 30
^^^^^^^^^^^
I am a nervous wreck!!
Now, whenever I see James (which isn't very often) my heart does a flip. How can I fall in love?! With him?!? This isn't supposed to happen, it just isn't!!
But then, why *is* it happening? I like seeing him, and my own pride is driving me insane!
I don't know what I'm even doing here. I've been alone in my room...well, it's James' room too...but I've just been sitting here for an hour, thinking all about this. I have hardly spoken a word to the man I'm in love with since I yelled at him. Yelled at him for being NICE TO ME!!!! He loved me, and I just had to YELL AT HIM!!
I have no one to talk to, and nowhere to go. And I know that James is lying alone...he's pretending to be asleep, I know...on the couch...
What am I doing? Why don't I go out there right this minute and say that I'm sorry?!? THIS HAS TO END!!! Oh that's *IT*!
____________________________________________________________________________
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The bedroom door opened slowly, the red-haired girl emerging carefully from the room and into the hall. Her face was wet from crying, and she tried to bite back another wave of tears that was coming, holding her breath as she came upon the loft ladder.
She peeked beyond it— yes, he was still lying on the couch— and thought a moment before allowing herself to continue forward. Her steps were soundless...
She let her knees bend, and she sat beside the couch and watched the blue-haired boy that lay there.
'He's so... so... adorable,' she thought. She'd never really thought of him that way before now.
Looking closer, she found that he had been crying, too. His face was stained and red from tears...
'Oh, James, what have I done to you....?' An overwhelming feeling came over her whole being, and she put her arms around him and hugged him tight.
He stirred. "...Jessie?" His voice was surprised.
"James...I need to..." She found it so hard to speak.
"Jessie...what's going on?"
"I have to tell you something..."
James sat up, Jessie's arms still around him, and she moved up by him on the couch.
"I'm so, so sorry..." she started, the tears finally escaping, "I hurt you so much..."
James gulped. "Jessie, are you alright?"
"No!! No! I'm not at all alright! I've beat you, yelled at you, ignored you, and it's about time that I started to feel bad about that! Look what I've done to you, James!! You'll barely even talk to me!" She sobbed, and went on.
"I loved your present," she said through the tears, "I love it a lot! Look, I'm wearing it right now!" She held to the chain that was presently about her neck. "I didn't mean to yell at you! I'm an awful, terrible person, and I don't deserve to..." She began to sob loudly again.
Now it was James' turn to comfort. "Jessie..." he said softly, wrapping his arms around her, "it's...okay..."
"N..no! It's..s...not!" she cried. "There's even more!"
"More?"
"More that I've d..done!!" She buried her face in her hands and cried harder.
James held her tighter, confused. "You can tell me."
It was several minutes before Jessie could contain herself enough to talk again. "J..James...I wanted to know what was wrong with you. I just saw your journal lying there, James, and I had to...to..." She sniffed. "James, I read your journal! I'm so sorry!!" She tried not to break down again, but couldn't ward it off.
James, still hugging the weeping Jessie, loosened his grip on her a little. His face went pale. "Jess...you...read..."
"I'm..ss..so sorry!" she wailed, and held onto him tighter. "But there's more to it than that!!"
James, who was still a shade white, was quiet.
"James, I love you, too."
James' head shot to look at her. His eyes were scared...but so beautiful, Jessie thought, as they had always been.
The sobbing stopped. Both were silent.
"You...you're in love with me?" James asked nervously.
Jessie nodded, letting go of James and staring at him intently. He was so cute...
Silence. Then, a moment later...
"Oh, thank God!" James said, throwing his arms around the girl again. "I don't care if you read it, as long as it's true..." He was crying now as he held to her.
"You...you don't care? You're not mad?" Jessie asked, her head against his chest.
"No, not now! I don't care, as long as you're saying you love me because you really mean it!"
"I do, James!" Jessie cried, "I do love you! I didn't want to at first, but I really do!!"
And through it all, as the two poured out their hearts to each other, the rose-covered book lay closed on the bed down the hall.
~ ~ ~
The moonlight reflected from the snow amidst the trees, and the two people beneath it looked up to the stars.
Jessie and James sat on a cliff edge, bundled up together in a blanket as the chill breeze caressed them. A bottle of champagne sat in the snow, partly gone, and the two people payed no attention to it now.
"How much longer?" Jessie asked, looking to James' watch.
"Not long," he told her, "but I can't hold off much longer..." He kissed her lightly on the forehead.
She giggled softly. How long had it been since she had giggled?
"This is the strangest New Years Eve I can think of," James said to his new love, touching her cheek.
"Strange is good, though," she told him, "don't you think?"
"Yes. Especially since Meowth let us be alone." They laughed, the joyful sound echoing over the canyon.
"Oooh, look! One minute!" They both stared at the watch, and counted quietly to themselves.
"...ten....nine....eight...seven..." They were counting louder now.
"...three...two....one...." Practically yelling...
And with that, their lips met, and they held to each other as a passionate New Year's kiss ensued.
Below, other bright, colored fireworks were going off over the little town of Blanktown. But they didn't notice...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
____________________________________________________________________________
January 1
^^^^^^^^
You know how, after you win a race, you run a victory lap? I feel like this entry is— because it's my last.
I feel like things are perfect. Different, but perfect. I don't want to write about it all now, because words can't describe how I'm feeling. But it's good.
James and I are in love, that's for sure. I told him everything. I can't believe I did that, but now I'm glad I did. It wasn't easy, either— I had to admit to reading his journal. He told me it was okay, though, as long as I really loved him.
And love feels so good to be in love, especially with James.
I never realized how much I cared about him...
We spent New Year's Eve together, too, and brought in the New Year with a kiss. I never thought I'd kiss James, ever, but it feels right now. Geez, it feels strange to write about this!
Strange as it is, though, the fact that I found this diary feels, to me, like fate. If mom had never given it to me, maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe I never would have thought or noticed things that I have been lately, and maybe I never would have found out that James loved me.... and that I loved him.
I don't think I'll be needing to write here anymore. I think that I should shut this book and all of my worries inside of it. But before I do sign for the last time....
...Thanks, mom.
~Jessie
____________________________________________________________________________
_____
~Fin~
_____