My Immortal Host Club

By Kat and Nicole

Author's Notes: We were really fucking high on Ramune strawberry soda when we wrote this. We were high off endorphins when we came up with the idea. PREPS STOP FLAMMIN MY FIC HATERZ FUKKIN PREPS. This fanfic is the complete and utter bastard child of a great anime series and a infamous fanfic gone horribly awry. Enjoy.

Hi, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Haruhi Fujioka Raven Way, and I have short brown hair (that's how I got my name) with red tips and purple streaks and warm brown eyes that reflect the dark gothicness of my soul. A lot of people tell me I look like a boy, but I just laugh and stick my middle finger up at them. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was, because he's a total fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight because I don't eat sweets. I have pale white skin. I'm also attending a really preppy and fancy school called Ouran Academy which is filled with a bunch of fucking preps and poseurs who are not gothic. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there when I'm not buying commoner's coffee. For example, today I was wearing a blazer that used to be light blue but I dyed it black and a shirt that used to be but I dyed it blood red with a tie that used to be black and purple so I just left it that way. My pants were black and my shoes were black too with little skulls on them. I had black eyeliner on and black eyeshadow and I was wearing black lipstick too. I was not wearing white foundation because I am already pale.

I was walking outside the Ouran Academy when I saw some preps. It was snowing and raining, and there was no sun so I felt good. The preps stared at me. I put my middle finger up at them. "Rich bastards."

"Welcome, commoner, to our world of wealth and beauty!" someone said. I looked up. It was…Tamaki Suoh!

"Who the hell are you?" I said.

"I am Tamaki Suoh," he said gothically.

But then, the bell for class rang and I had to go away.

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin that I bought at the Economy Secondhand store and drank some commoner's blood from a black cup. My coffin was not black ebony, it was just plain plywood with a pentagram chiseled into the top with crowbar. I got out of my coffin and put on a dress that used to be yellow but is now black and tights that were once white but are now black fishnets. My shoes were black already, and they had Good Charlotte written on them.

My father, Ranka, woke up and then grinned at me. He flipped his long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his deep brown eyes. He put on his Marilyn Manson teeshirt with a black mini, and some fishnets and pointy high-heel boots. We put on our makeup, which was black lipstick with white foundation and black eyeliner.

"Sources tell me that you were talking to Tamaki Suoh yesterday. OMFG!" he said excitedly.

"W-what? Who told you that, Dad?!" I said, blushing.

"What are your intentions in talking to him?" he asked as he walked me to the front doors of the Ouran Academy.

"I don't even know him!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Tamaki walked up to me.

"Welcome!" he said.

"Uh…hello." I replied.

"Guess what?" he said.

"What." I replied.

"You broke a really expensive vase and now you owe eight million yen to the Host Club," he said.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. "When the hell did this happen?"

"Oh! Sorry…I meant, Good Charlotte are having a concert in the gardens."

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. Good Charlotte was my favorite band, aside from My Chemical Romance.

"It would my honor if you would attend with me," he said, extending his hand for me to take.

I gasped. I ignored his hand.

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On the night of the concert, I put on my blue denim shorts which had been dyed black and I had ripped up and my Good Charlotte black teeshirt with fishnets and black lace-up boots. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, because I didn't have any money, so I slit my wrist. I read Les Miserables while I waited for it to stop bleeding, and I listened to some GC. I could not afford nail polish so I did not paint my nails, but if I were to paint them they would have been black. I put on TONS of eyeliner though. I didn't put on any foundation because I was poor. I drank some red Kool-Aid because I was too poor to afford blood.

I went outside. Tamaki was waiting for me in front of his fly car. He was wearing a dress shirt that said Good Charlotte on it with some baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner. (He had a lot more money than me.)

"Hi Tamaki!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hello, Ebony," he said back. We walked into his black Mercedes-Benz. It hurt. Then we got into his black Mercedes-Benz (his license plate said RICHERTHANU666. I wondered how he was able to get more letters than were allotted on license plates, but then I remembered he was rich and could do whatever he wanted.) On the way we listened to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We drank some commoner's coffee and ate some commoner's ramen. There was crack in the coffee and cocaine in the ramen because it was common.

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage before people started yelling at us for driving a car into the middle of a mosh pit. We ignored them and jumped up and down in the car as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I do not possess the rights to this song).

"All I wanted to do was go grocery shopping." I said to Tamaki, ignoring the band onstage.

Suddenly, Tamaki looked sad. He turned black and white and his whole image was simplified. He moved into the corner of the car and began to grow mushrooms.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, still moshing in the car to the music. Then, I think I caught on but I can't be sure.

"Hey, don't be like that. It could be worse." I said.

"Really?" asked Tamaki all wibbly-like and tried to put his arm around me protectively but I pushed it away.

"Really." I said. "Besides, I could have really broken that vase you were talking about and then I would have had to spend all my time with you." I said, thinking of the misery I would be in if that happened.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Tamaki, although he still had mushrooms by the time we left. After the concert, we drank some more commoner's coffee and drove back over the dead bodies in the mosh pit that were from us driving in there in the first place. We got GC concert tees. Tamaki got his signed but I did not because I am poor. Tamaki did not drive us back to my house, he drove us to………..the hedge maze!

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"TAMAKI!" I shouted. "What the heck are you doing? This isn't the way to my house!"

Tamaki did not answer but he had that kaiwaii glint in his eye that anime characters get when they think of something really clever to do. You know that one that I'm talking about, from that one scene in that one show…yeah. He stopped the car, and walked out of it, but then walked back in because he forgot to turn it off. I walked out too, after I opened the door, and closed it behind me. Tamaki had to walk back and close the door because he forgot to do that too.

"What the fucking hell!" I said angrily.

"Ebony?" he said.

"What." I snapped.

Tamaki leaned in extra close and I could see his purple eyes (he was not wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing stuff and sorrow and a lot of time spent in corners in black and white animation and then suddenly I didn't feel so mad anymore.

And then……suddenly Tamaki kissed me passionately. Tamaki climbed on top of me but had to get off because we were still standing and he is taller than me so it was awkward turtle. So we decided to lean up against a tree keenly and gothically. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra…wait, I was not wearing one because I am too poor and flat-chested for it to be economically necessary. Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and I told him that he could not put his car keys in my pocket so he took them out. Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed.

"Call me Daddy!" he screamed.

I was beginning to get what I thought was an orgasm, but then I remembered I was too poor to afford one. We started to kiss everywhere but then Tamaki started kissing trees and dirt and flowers and rocks and hedges which hurt him. My pale body got all warm, which was lucky because it was about 30 degrees from all the tandem raining and snowing.

And then…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?"

It was……………..Honey-senpai!

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