I've Done Something Terrible

by Keito Nakamura

*** WARNING: This story contains SELF HARM, so if you trigger easily DO NOT READ.*** Jiyong's fallen for someone he shouldn't have and feels the need to find a way to let his feelings out with out telling that person. But this way is a lot darker and, if possible, more complicated than just admitting your love to someone.

**NOTE: This story is also posted on my Wattpad and Asianfanfics account so if you've seen this before, that's probably where you read it!**

*Jiyong's POV*

I've done something terrible... I've let myself fall in love... I-I've fallen in love with Seunghyun. I let my face fall into my hands trying to hold back my tears as I sat cross-legged on my bed, alone in my room. I've wanted to tell him so many times, but I knew he was straight, so each time I wanted to, I forced myself to repress my feelings. Plus I couldn't imagine what would happen if the press found out that BIGBANG's leader was gay. Or even if the rest of the band found out for that matter, they'd probably think I was a freak or something...

"I'm not in love with you!" I yelled at the thought of him, grabbing my pillow and throwing it at the wall.

I fell over onto my white and black comforter in defeat and started crying, burying my face in the soft bed. "You'll never love me, so I'm not allowed to love you..." I whispered into my black tear-soaked bangs which now clung to my face while being scrunched into an uncomfortable mess underneath me whenever I moved.

Then, I did something I thought I wouldn't have to resort to again, but in my head, I needed to be punished. As if my body had put itself on auto-pilot, I got up and walked into my bathroom. I opened the cupboard beneath my sink and fished around until I found a small makeup bag. I pulled it out and unzipped it, easily finding what I was looking for since it was the only thing in the small bag. It was a razor blade. I took one out to use now and put one in my pocket for no real reason other than if I needed one later, then it would be right there.

I slumped against the wall of the bathroom and slid down onto the sleek, white tile floor. I held the tiny blade in between my thumb and forefinger. I moved it close to my face and inspected it. I hadn't had to use one of these in a few years, and to be honest, I was kind of nervous. Nervous of becoming addicted again. Nervous about the fact that this time, I might not be able to stop, like I did last time. But then I remembered Seunghyun, and guilt began to build itself back up inside me. Snapping back to reality, I looked at the blade closely as I held it up to my face, it was thin and shiny, and looked very sharp. Perfect.

Taking a deep breath, I held out my left wrist and put the blade up to it, as I had only a year or so before. I lightly dragged it across the pale but scarred surface of my wrist. Even that small action caused my blood to start seeping out, along with more tears that came running down my face. The second cut was deeper, and so was the next, and the next. Each time more blood dripped out onto the once pure white tile floor which now was stained with the red liquid.

As I pulled the blade across my wrist, I thought aloud, "I don't love you. I don't... I... I don't love you..." Then, a bit too loudly, I yelled "God damn it, Seunghyun!" and I clutched the razor blade tightly in my right hand, cutting it deeply and causing more blood to spill onto the floor. I dropped the razor beside me and pulled my knees up to my chest, I started rocking my self back and forth, holding my arms in close to me and getting blood all over my shirt. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and let my tears fall freely, falling on my shirt and mixing with the blood.

*Seunghyun's POV*

"God damn it, Seunghyun!" I heard Jiyong yell from his room. Wait, what? He said 'God damn it Seunghyun.' why would he say that? Was he mad at me maybe? I don't know what I could've done to cause that, but I hoped he wasn't.. 'I should probably go check on him' I thought. So, I got up and walked down to Jiyong's room which was to the right of mine. I walked up to the door knocked lightly before entering.

*Jiyong's POV*

Suddenly, I heard the door to my room creak open and someone entering. "Ji?" I heard someone ask, "Ji, are you alright?" Then I realized that it wasn't just someone, it was Seunghyun.

I froze when I realized who it was. My eyes shot wide open, and I started shaking as I heard his footsteps get closer to the bathroom door that I had stupidly left wide open. "Ji-" He cut himself off as he turned into the bathroom.

Still holding my arms in close to my chest, I whimpered and looked up at my hyung with a pained and terrified expression, even more tears streaming down my face. All he did was stare at me, like I was a total freak.

Not wanting to see the way he looked at me anymore, I looked down and my body started shaking with loud, heart-wrenching sobs. I could feel his eyes burning holes into me. I wanted to run but I couldn't find the strength to lift myself up after loosing so much blood.

Then, Seunghyun did something I wasn't expecting.

*Seunghyun's POV*

I was in shock. I couldn't believe that Jiyong would do that to himself. I stared at him in thinking about what I should do. I knew he didn't have anything bigger that cotton balls or q-tips in his bathroom, which definitely would be able to clean this up. But the main bathroom that was joined off of the living room had a first-aid kit.

I snapped out of my trance and ran into his bathroom, bending down and picking him up. I ran out of his bathroom, trying to get to the one with the first-aid kit as fast as I could.

*Jiyong's POV*

I was in shock for a few seconds after he picked me but I realized how close I was to him, and I couldn't take it. I couldn't be this close to him if I knew I could never have him. It was like he was teasing me when he picked me up and held me against his chest.

Using the last of my strength, I pushed myself away from him as he was running out of my bedroom. I hit the floor with a loud thud, and Seunghyun looked at me in surprise. The noise of me hitting the floor caused the Daesung, Youngbae, and Seungri to come out of the living room and into the hall where we were.

I pushed myself against the wall opposite my room, using my arms as if they were a shield to hide my face from the other staring faces as I started crying once again. I could smell the fresh blood that still seeped out of the cuts on my wrist and hand.

"Stop staring and go find the first aid kit!" I heard Seunghyun hyung yell at the three, well two now because Youngbae had already gone to get a wet cloth to clean my cuts, and was now back and handing the cloth to Seunghyun.

Seungri and Daesung ran off to go find the first-aid kit and Youngbae just stood back behind Seunghyun who knelt down in front of me. I could feel his warm breath on my hands that were still in front of my face, somehow seeming to hide me from reality. I felt him grab my hands, gently pulling them down to reveal my tear stained face. He gently wiped some blood from my hand off of my cheek, brushing my long bangs out of my face afterwards and looking at me with concern.

I couldn't look at him directly when he did that, so I looked at his shirt that was now stained with blood from when he carried me. He sighed and quickly started cleaning the cuts on my wrist and hand. I crossed my legs and looked down as he continued to clean my arm, trying to focus on anything but him.

What Seunghyun was doing right now was just cruel, but it's not like he knew his closeness was having this effect on me. It was like he was constantly teasing me and saying "You can't have me, but we can pretend." Of course he had no idea that I was in love with him, but even so...

I was brought back to reality by a stinging pain forming in my arm. I could smell alcohol and looked at my arm to see that he now had a disinfectant wipe. I looked to my right to see the first-aid kit. I looked up only to find that the other three were nowhere to be seen.

"Ow!" I breathed when he was cleaning one of the deeper cuts, pulling my arm back from my hyung. He smiled softly "I told you it would sting a bit." he said, trying to break some of the tension. When I didn't react, he lifted me up and carried back into my room, and I let him. It took everything in me to not push him away from me, but I forced myself to just repress every feeling I had for him, at least for the time being.

He put me on my bed and and I went back to sitting cross-legged. He put the first-aid kit down to my right, then went to clean my bathroom of the blood on its floor, so that I wouldn't have to see it later and remember the earlier events of today, I guess. As he cleaned my blood-covered floor, I just sat on my bed, totally emotionless. When he was done, he came back out to sit on my bed in front of me, and he finish cleaning my cuts.

I looked to my right, pretending to look at the first-aid kit, all the while trying not to cry. But in my effort of trying not to cry, a single tear found its way out of my left eye and ran down my cheek right where Seunghyun could see.

"Ji..." I didn't look at him when he called my name, "Hey Ji, look at me..." I still didn't look at him. "Jiyong.. Please..." He cupped my cheek with his hand and wiped the stray tear away with his thumb.

After a few minutes, he sighed and pulled two gauze bandage wraps out. He took my arm and started wrapping it around where the cuts on my wrist were. He then proceeded to wrap the second one around my right hand. I decided it was safe to look at him now, since he was distracted.

When I looked up at Seunghyun, I saw that he was fighting back his own tears. I looked down when I felt him hold my right arm so that my wrist was facing upwards. He trailed his fingers over the pale, scarred skin on this inside of my arm. I hadn't cut my right wrist this time, but I had when I first cut; when I was addicted to it. He turned my hand over to reveal more scars on the top of my hand. They were smaller, but even so, a cut was a cut.

*Seunghyun's POV*

"How have I never noticed..." I whispered in a shaky voice. Was it because he hid it so well? Never showing the slightest hint of depression, or any sadness at all... He was always smiling. So how could I have noticed? It's not like I was looking for it... So there's no way I could've... No. I need to stop making excuses, I should've paid more attention. It was in all the small things he did. Like when he made up excuses for going to bed early. He would always just say he was tired and smile at us like nothing was wrong. But now that I think about it, there was always something hidden behind that smile, like he wanted someone to stop him; stop him from hurting himself the way he did. But, that hasn't happened for a year or two. It was almost like he had recovered from a sickness in those last few years. You could tell, too. It was like his smile had become real, and he was visibly happier, it was a happiness that would make everyone else smile when he entered the room.

I should've noticed earlier though. Because now its back. It came back very suddenly, but its still back. Despite not noticing all this, I have noticed that he's started acting different when he's around me. It's like he's being more careful when he's around me... I don't really know how else to explain it.

He pulled his hand away from me suddenly, bringing me back to reality. I looked up at him, then at a quark board behind him that caught my attention. On the quark board were pictures of all of the members of Bigbang, but the part that had caught my attention, the reason I was so interested in this board, was that the majority of the pictures were of just me and Jiyong together. Ji looked up at me, following my gaze to the board on the wall. His eyes widened in fear and he looked back at me to see my reaction. I didn't think of it as a bad thing, I was just curious as to why most of the pictures were of just the two of us.

*Jiyong's POV*

I looked back at him searching for any sign of, well, anything. Hatred, disgust, curiosity, interest, anything. But he just sat there staring at the board, looking at all the pictures I had of us on it. I could feel myself start to blush the longer I stared at him, and I had to look away before he noticed.

Finally breaking the silence, he chuckled softly and started saying something about the night we took one of the photos, but I quickly cut him off.

"Get out!" I snapped, surprising even myself with the amount of aggression I had aimed towards him.

"Wha- what?" He said, his eyes wide with surprise.

"I said get out of my room!" I yelled again.

"Ji, what's wrong?" He asked concerned. He reached out to put his hand on my shoulder but I quickly swatted his hand away. "Just leave, Seunghyun." I said.

Without saying anything else, he got up and left, closing my door behind him. I watched until the door was fully closed. Only then did I allow myself to fall face first into my pillow and start crying my heart out.

'How could I have been so stupid?'I thought. 'He was so understanding and so kind to me. How could I do that to him after all he's ever been is nice to me. He'll never forgive me now.' I continued to sob into my pillow, slowly crying myself to sleep.

*Seunghyun's POV*

I walked out of Jiyong's room and mindlessly made my way to the kitchen. 'What did I do to make him so angry?' I wondered. 'Well, a lot's happened today, maybe he's just got a lot on his mind.' I mentally facepalmed myself for that, 'Ok obviously he's got a lot on his mind... Well whatever it is, I just hope he doesn't hate me or anything...' I jumped when I walked into something hard, I looked down realizing that I was so lost in thought that had walked directly into the kitchen counter.

"Seunghyun," I heard Youngbae say as he walked up behind me, "how's Jiyong?"

I sighed and thought for a few minutes. "He's fine," I said, "I got him cleaned up and I put some bandages on him." Youngbae nodded and said, "I wonder how this happened... Did you notice him acting weird before?"

"Only small things that I just noticed he did when I thought about it today. But nothing that would've automatically noticed. He's really good at hiding his feelings I guess..." I paused remembering how I actually did notice that he started acting strange around me before today.

"Well actually... I did notice that he started to act kind of weird around me a few weeks ago, but I didn't think anything of it."

"Weird how?" Youngbae asked with a look of concern. 'Jeez what does he think this is? 20 questions?'

"Well um, he's... I don't know, he's just been acting different... More shy, maybe even cautious I guess..." Then it hit me. How could I have been so oblivious. 'Does Jiyong like me?' I thought, totally blown away by my own stupidity.

'That would explain why he's been acting so different around me. Everyone knows that if YG ever found out that one of their idols was gay, or even bi, they'd probably fire them. That's why he's been acting so shy and cautious around me! It also explains all the pictures of us he has...' I was so caught up in my realization that I walked past Youngbae, totally ignoring his attempts to get my attention, and went straight to my room.

When I got to my room, I closed the door behind me and threw myself onto my bed. My mind was spinning as I shut my eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep. Right before I fell asleep, the most important question of all popped into my head.

'Do I like him back?' but before I could think of an answer, the need to sleep took over me.

*Jiyong's POV*

I woke up to a dark room. Looking over to the clock beside my bed, I saw that the glowing red numbers said it was 2:30 AM. At first I couldn't even remember falling asleep, but then all the memories from today came flooding back. I groaned at the sudden memories and tried to fall back asleep, wanting to forget my troubles, even if only for a little while. But, as hard as tried to fall back asleep, I couldn't. There were too many questions filling my head, ones like 'Does the rest of Bigbang hate me now?' or 'Does Seunghyun hate me?' But the one mattered most out of all of them was: 'Did Seunghyun hyung figure out that I've fallen for him? Does he know that I love him?"

I sat for another half hour tossing and turning in my bed, kicking the covers so much that they fell off the bed. The question of whether or not he knows left to nag me until I felt like suffocating. I broke out in a cold sweat, my long bangs sticking to my face. I started to panic, wondering if I should confess to him or not now that he may or may not know about my feelings towards him.

Not knowing what to do, I broke down crying, burying my face in my pillow. I couldn't handle the stress anymore, I didn't want to think. Suddenly I remembered the spare razor I had put in my pocket earlier. I sat up and and pulled it out of my pocket along with my phone, ignoring the fact that I had pressed a couple of buttons on it as it fell to the floor. I held the razor in my hand, this time pressing it to my right wrist which had been left untouched for years. I ran the razor over my long-since-healed scars as if to resurrect them.

I continued sobbing as I ran the blade over my wrist letting the red drip from the fresh wounds, secretly wishing someone would save me, but at the same time wishing they'd leave me to die. But of course, I had no idea of the situation I was currently in, not knowing that someone really might come save me.

*Seunghyun's POV*

I woke with a start as my phone went off loudly on my bedside table. The caller ID said that it was Jiyong calling me, and I picked it up immediately.

"Hello?" I asked, not getting a response. Instead I heard distant whimpers and strangled sobs. The sounds broke my heart and I couldn't stand to listen any longer. "Jiyong," I tried again, "are you okay? What's going on?" panic and concern evident in my voice. Once again I got no answer. 'He probably doesn't even know he called me..' I thought, hanging up. Not wanting him to be in pain anymore, I quickly got up and rushed to his room.

I didn't even bother knocking this time, I just rushed straight into his room. I turned the dimmer dial for his light up just enough to be able to navigate through the dark room. As soon as I spotted him on his bed, clutching another razor I ran over and enveloped him in a giant hug, pulling him onto my lap and cradling him like he was a child. He leaned into me, shaking harder than I could've imagined, and I held his head to my chest leaning down to kiss the top of it as I whispered things like "It's okay," and "I'm here now," to him in attempt to calm him down. But the part that surprised me the most is that they weren't just hollow words that I was just saying to get him to calm down so I could leave, I really meant it. Every word I said to him was true. I really was there for him now, and it really would be okay, because as soon as I heard him crying over the phone, I knew that this wasn't going to be a one-time thing, and I knew that I wanted to help make him better.

I knew that I was in love with him, just like he was with me.

*Jiyong's POV*

I felt safe in Seunghyun's arms, as he whispered all those calming words to me, I knew he meant what he said. Maybe I did have a chance with him after all... I quickly dropped the razor realizing all the blood everywhere, and I winced in pain as I held my bleeding wrist tightly. Seunghyun looked down in surprise, not having noticed the fresh gore that now covered us.

Despite the size of the mess, he had it cleaned up in minutes. He had told me to take a warm shower before he took care of my cuts so he could put new bandages on the ones from earlier, and by the time I got out, my room looked as if nothing had happened. He had gotten us clean pajamas (which were really just an oversized T-shirt and boxer briefs for me, and for him just a tank top and sweats), as well as he changed my bed sheets which had gotten a lot of blood on them.

I sat down on the new bed sheets, and he started cleaning my cuts again. Within five minutes, my wrists and right hand were cleaned up and sporting new gauze bandage wraps just as before. He got up to go put the first aid kit away, and I decided to occupy myself by looking at how neatly he wrapped the bandages. He wrapped them so perfectly around my wrists and hand, like he actually cared about what he was doing instead of just doing a quick and sloppy job so he could leave faster. I've never been able to figure out how he can always be so caring. He always helps me without complaining and he asks nothing from me in return, and it's one of the reasons I love him so much.

I looked up when I saw him walk back into my dimly lit room. He came straight over to to where I was, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I shifted so that I was sitting cross-legged, as I tilted my head back to lean it against the head board. I heard him sigh and I felt the mattress dip under his weight, as he moved so that he was sitting facing me, also with his legs crossed.

I lifted my head up so I could look at him; the way he sat almost mirrored how I was sitting, the exception being that he let his head hang down, looking at his hands as he thumb-wrestled himself. I leaned forward a bit so I could rest the top of my head against his causing him to jump a little. I laughed softly at him, leaning back and reaching up to playing with his short blue hair. With his head still bowed slightly, he looked up at me, smiling his signature smile, yet another thing I love about him.

Then, without thinking, I reached up, cupping his face in my hands gently. It was almost as if I was no longer in control of my own actions. I lifted his face up so that it was parallel to mine. Then, letting all fears and worries about being rejected go out the window, I leaned forward and gently pressed my lips to his.

He quickly kissed back without hesitation, putting just as much love into the kiss a I did. Suddenly I felt myself regain control of my movements and I quickly pulled away.

Not knowing what to do, I ducked my head down, trying to hide my embarrassment behind my long bangs. But the embarrassment quickly turned into determination as I slowly found myself pulling up the courage I didn't even know I had so that I could tell him how I felt. 'You've come this far,' I thought, 'he'll hate you either way, so you might as well tell him while you even have a chance to.'

"I-I love you." I sputtered, my head still bowed as I continued, "And it's ok if you hate me, I get why you would. After all, who would love someone who has such low self-confidence that they have to punish themselves for even being in love in the first place because they thought the person they loved wouldn't love them back-" My hand shot up to cover my mouth in attempt to shut myself up when I realized that my rambling had turned into a full blown confession. I looked up trying to gauge his reaction as tears started a steady flow from my eyes once more.

"Jiyong... I... I love you too... How could you ever think I could hate you?" He asked, eyes filled with sadness, his voice cracking as he spoke.

Ignoring his question, my eyes widened in disbelief when I took in what he just said.

"You... You love me?" I asked just to be sure I heard right.

"Yeah, Ji... I really do." He said smiling. I smiled back and let out a shaky, breathy laugh as I realized that he really meant it. I ran my hand through my hair and looked up at him only to be met with his beautiful brown eyes that seemed to light up the whole room. Then he leaned over and pulled me into a giant hug.

"Promise me you'll never do this again, baby." he whispered in my ear.

"I promise." I said hugging him back tightly.

**3 Years later**

*Jiyong's POV*

It's been three years since that night and I haven't once felt the need to cut since then. Seunghyun and I are still together, in fact, were now engaged! YG and our fans took the news better than expected, and as for the rest of Bigbang, well they said they had seen it coming for a long time when we first told them after that night that we were dating.

I can honestly say now that my life is more perfect than ever and I truly believe that I couldn't ever possibly be happier.

Okay so that's it! Sorry it was so long and probably a bit rushed, and served with a side of crappy haha but it's been like three months since I started writing it and I just wanted to get it posted =^.^=

anyways I hope at least one of you like it!

Well bye bye for now, and thanks for reading! =^-^=

~Keito