Death by Doubt
~*~
I wish she were dead. Then he'd be mine. As long as she's here, that will never be. But I could never kill her. Oh God, I've enough blood on my hands, what would hers do that would tarnish them more? Still, I can't do it. His happiness is my only desire. I just wish we could have shared in his happiness, the two of us. That perhaps I could have made him happy, made him smile that smile very few have seen let alone caused. But that smile is hers, as are those prussian eyes. Eyes that say so much more than he ever speaks. Silence is his language and his eyes, his tongue which carries his message with such startling clarity. There is little warmth in those eyes but such emotion that it is hard to divert ones gaze. They pull you into him, into his soul. It's not as dark as he believes. Yes, we killed many people. We don't pretend to deny this. But look at the Earth now. Things could not have ended this way had we not fought back. His soul is only black because he cannot forgive himself, but I can. I could forgive him for anything. Even for loving her. I don't do this because I can't live with the fact he is hers, not mine. I do this because there is nothing left for me. I was an orphan at birth it seems and a terrorist at seven. Survival and war were my only reasons for life. Now the war is over. Friendships have been made over time but as I look back at them I see only this, Heero and me. Quatre and Trowa have each other as friends, and Wufei never needed anybody. Now that Heero has Relena, who needs me? I serve no purpose. There is a gun on the table beside my bed. With my thoughts swirling like a cyclone in my tormented mind, only one word is clear, beckoning me to comply. Suicide. With shaking hands I take the gun and check the amount of bullets inside. One. Only one. It will be enough. On the count of three... I'll pull the trigger. There will be no returns, no regrets. One squeeze of my index finger and I fall into oblivion. Easy as that. Maybe I am a coward, but at least it will be over. Heero has Relena. I.. I have death. One.. Two....
Three.
~*~
I wish she were dead. Then he'd be mine. As long as she's here, that will never be. But I could never kill her. Oh God, I've enough blood on my hands, what would hers do that would tarnish them more? Still, I can't do it. His happiness is my only desire. I just wish we could have shared in his happiness, the two of us. That perhaps I could have made him happy, made him smile that smile very few have seen let alone caused. But that smile is hers, as are those prussian eyes. Eyes that say so much more than he ever speaks. Silence is his language and his eyes, his tongue which carries his message with such startling clarity. There is little warmth in those eyes but such emotion that it is hard to divert ones gaze. They pull you into him, into his soul. It's not as dark as he believes. Yes, we killed many people. We don't pretend to deny this. But look at the Earth now. Things could not have ended this way had we not fought back. His soul is only black because he cannot forgive himself, but I can. I could forgive him for anything. Even for loving her. I don't do this because I can't live with the fact he is hers, not mine. I do this because there is nothing left for me. I was an orphan at birth it seems and a terrorist at seven. Survival and war were my only reasons for life. Now the war is over. Friendships have been made over time but as I look back at them I see only this, Heero and me. Quatre and Trowa have each other as friends, and Wufei never needed anybody. Now that Heero has Relena, who needs me? I serve no purpose. There is a gun on the table beside my bed. With my thoughts swirling like a cyclone in my tormented mind, only one word is clear, beckoning me to comply. Suicide. With shaking hands I take the gun and check the amount of bullets inside. One. Only one. It will be enough. On the count of three... I'll pull the trigger. There will be no returns, no regrets. One squeeze of my index finger and I fall into oblivion. Easy as that. Maybe I am a coward, but at least it will be over. Heero has Relena. I.. I have death. One.. Two....
Three.