Kenichi Blows It
All fans of Kenichi assume that eventually, he'll confess his feelings to Miu and everything will work out perfectly… I personally feel that since people all have their own fantasies about that magical moment, and because Matsuena's going to write it eventually anyway, there's no point in writing it myself. So, instead, here's a series of one-shots about this one, perfect moment going horribly wrong and scarring Kenichi forever.
Note: It is to be understood that each failure directly follows the scenario above the line. The failure's do not follow each other. Each failure is an alternate reality in all of which Kenichi blows it.
WARNING: IN THIS FIC, BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO KENICHI! IF THIS OFFENDS YOU (WHICH IT SHOULDN'T BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL THE MANGA IS) THEN YOU SHOULDN'T READ THIS!!!
Today was the day. Kenichi knew that today was destined to be his lucky day. He'd had a good horoscope. He'd eaten his favorite breakfast. He was wearing his lucky underpants. He'd fallen down a flight of stairs, but this was prior to the horoscope, breakfast, and underpants.
No doubt about it, this would be the day he confessed to Miu. He could see it now, he'd sweep her off her feet, look her in the eyes, grab her breasts and-
WHOA!!!
Wrong fantasy. Sorry. He'd look her in the eyes and say "Baby, you're my forever-girl…" Because quite frankly, that was the smoothest line anyone had ever said to any woman anywhere…
As he rounded the corner of the dojo's outer wall, he saw her hanging clothes out to dry. Oh, the way that the wind played with her golden locks; she was like an angel. The time for preparation was over, it was time to take action.
Oh, if only Kenichi had known what was in store for him…
Failure 1: Hypnotic Powers
Kenichi marched over to his crush, ready to become a man. Everything was going perfectly, the masters were nowhere in sight, and he and Miu were all alone. But nay, 'twas not meant to be, for at the most inopportune moment, Kenichi's eyes drifted south towards Miu's most, er, distinguishable traits…
"Oh, good morning Kenichi-san… Say, could you help me, I can't decide what to make for dinner tonight."
"Breasts…"
"What?"
"Um… CHICKEN BREASTS!!!"
"Oh, that's Akisame-san's favorite, isn't it? Good idea…"
'Holy crap! That was a close one! I wouldn't want Miu catching me ogling her just before my big confession…'
"Say, where's Sakaki-san?"
"Hooters…"
"What?"
'Crap!'
"Oh, you mean that disgusting restaurant he goes to…"
"Uh… yeah…"
"Honestly, sometimes that man disgusts me…"
'Damn it Kenichi! Stop looking at Miu's-'
"Say, what are you doing later?"
"Fun bags!"
"Excuse me?"
"What I mean is… You see… Miu, I love your boobs…. I MEAN YOU! YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!"
"Kenichi! You're a pervert!"
At that, Miu punched Kenichi in the testicles and ran inside, leaving Kenichi cursing her hypnotic powers…
Failure 2: A miscommunication.
"Miu, I have something to tell you…"
"Oh, what is it?"
"Well, you know how when two people… and they get close… and…"
"What?"
"Well, I've grown close to you…"
"Aw, thank you Kenichi, I've grown close to you too…"
"Really?"
"Yes, you're my best friend…"
'Friend…?'
"Well, I meant close as in… more than friends…"
"I know!"
'YAY!!!'
"That's why I said best friends silly!"
'What the Fuck?'
"No, Miu… I mean I love you…"
"Yes, I love you too Kenichi"
'Score!!!'
"I love all the members of our little "family" here at Ryozanpaku."
'Is she on crack or something?'
"Miu, I want to have sexual relations with you."
"I understand…"
'JACKPOT!!!'
"Those feelings are natural for a boy your age, especially living under the same roof as a girl. Don't worry… Though, you really didn't need to tell me…"
"SON OF A WHORE!!!"
"Kenichi! Language!"
Then, Kenichi stormed out of Ryozanpaku, never to return. Instead he hooked up with that one hot American chick… You know, that one that kept flashing people… Damn, she was smoking. I mean, seriously, did you see those tits?
Failure 3: A little help from Kensei.
"Miu, I have something to tell you."
"Oh, what is it Kenichi?"
"Well… Um…"
Crap! At the moment of truth, Kenichi's mind began drawing a total blank. He would've taken any help at all at this point.
"Kenichi…"
Except that help.
Hiding in a nearby bush, Ma Kensei was trying desperately to help his little disciple. Of course, the road to Hell was paved with good intentions.
"Tell her that you're convinced that she's a baker, because she's got a really nice set of buns!" he whispered.
No man in his right mind would ever use this line on a self-respecting woman. Unfortunately, Kenichi was panicking, and when you panic, any outside advice seems like good advice…
"You must be a baker, because damn that's a nice set of buns…"
"Excuse me!?!"
'Oh no! Now she's mad!'
"Kenichi! Tell her-"
"No, you're the one who got me into this in the first place!"
"Kenichi, who are you talking to?"
"Um, the bush… It helps plants grow you know…"
"Take off your pants! She'll be impressed!"
Once again, the power of suggestion to a man in desperation was made evident…
"…"
"…"
"So… are you impressed…?"
"…No…"
"What if I do this?"
"Kenichi, you're acting weird… I'm going to go inside now…"
"No! Miu don't go!"
"Don't let her go Kenichi! Stop her! Grab her now!!! KENICHI! USE YOUR PENIS!!! USE YOUR PENIS!!!"
Kenichi's friends did not see him again for a very long time. Apparently, attempted rape is worth a lot of years in Japan…
If I think of more, I'll upload more. If you think of any, send me a PM, and I'll see if I like it. Til next time.