Remember Who You Are
13 year old Lucy entered the house after a long day of school. Hanging her bag on the rack, she slipped her shoes off and plopped down on the red sofa. She covered herself with a blanket and reached for her drawing pad that lay on the coffee table, intending to finish the portrait she had started this morning. As she shaded in the golden sun-beams that streamed through the castle's window, Susan walked in the room.
A form fitting crimson dress encased her body as she entered. Lucy took note of the way her silky black hair was neatly arranged in the latest updo, and the bright paint that covered her lips. A string of white pearls hung around her neck, making her older sister look at least several years older than 17. She sported a full face of makeup, and Lucy could smell of the cloying scent of perfume that was on the verge of being almost overbearing.
"Where are you off to this time?" Lucy asked, unable to keep the edge of annoyance out of her voice.
"Do I need to tell you everything I do?" Susan said, reaching for her sequenced handbag on the rack.
Lucy continued coloring. "No, but it sure would be nice if you were around a bit more sometimes. Mum misses you, and so do we."
"Do you?"
"Yes, of course. You're gone almost every night to who-knows-where, and we haven't really spent any time together in weeks."
Susan turned around, arms folded, leaning against the wall. "Lucy, I apologize for my absences and any inconveniences they may have caused, but honestly, I simply can not bear staying around here very often with the three of you. It's exhausting and tiresome."
Lucy sat up, putting aside her drawing onto the side table. "What do you mean? Why?"
At that moment, Peter and Edmund walked in the room.
Sighing, Susan walked forward and lifted Lucy's picture from the table, glanced at it briefly, and then dropped it down again with a huff. "This. This right here is why, Lucy," she gestured to the drawing.
"Whats going on?" Edmund asked, entering.
"Susan doesn't want to see us anymore."
"What? Why?"
"She obviously doesn't like us anymore," Lucy said, biting her lip that trembled.
Peter walked forward, cocking one eyebrow. "What's going on, Su?"
Rolling her eyes, Susan sucked in a breath. "It's not you, it's this childish nonsense that you all for some reason insist on holding on to. Every night you speak about the same things, over and over, and I can't stand it anymore. It's time to grow up. Don't you think that you're all too old for these games now?"
Lucy grabbed her picture, holding it tightly to her chest. "But…how can you say those things, Susan? You know that it's not games. It's real. It's Nar-"
"Don't you dare say that word Lucy Pevensie. And Peter, don't look at me like I've got the plague or something. They were games," she waved her hand to the drawing. "That was all they were. Games we played that summer at the Professor's house. Perhaps it was merely such a difficult time in our childhood that we fantasized about a place that was perfect. But it was not real."
The three said nothing, and the silence in the room stung.
"Surely you at least must know that," she stared at Peter, who's eyes were boring into her.
He finally spoke. "That's a load of rubbish, Su, and you know it. You know just as well as the rest of us that that place was indeed real, in fact, even more real than here."
"Well that's rich, coming from the eldest. The eldest, who I might add, should know better than to fill the younger two's minds with fantasy tales and lies about a place that was never more than a make-believe place to begin with!"
"Oh, Susan…" Peter muttered under his breath.
Susan continued, her temper rising. "And to make matters worse, you three, but you especially Peter, have taken to an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. You sit around here for hours on end, telling fantasy stories that you've managed to convince yourselves are real! You know what?" She inched closer to his face. "You asked why I am never here anymore. Why I don't spend time with you. I would if you'd do normal things! You're not children anymore. Why don't you go out there and meet some people? Go to gatherings? Get involved in activities?"
"Oh, you mean like how you go out and party every night? No thanks, I'll keep to my books, dear sister," Edmund snorted. He walked around her feigning indifferent sarcasm in his voice. "You know, it's funny, you pretend to care about us and our activities when in reality what you really want is for us to join your your new life decisions so you don't feel so damn guilty about them. That's the real reason for all this and you know it. But you don't want to admit it to yourself because if that's gone, then what's left?" He looked her directly in the eyes, inches away from her face now. "I'll tell you what's left. Facing the truth. The truth about Narnia, the truth about who you were and are now, and the reality that we had to leave."
Lucy looked at them and ran down the hall to her room. Peter shook his head and breathed deeply, before going after Lucy. And Edmund didn't move his gaze from Susan.
Susan's face paled to a deathly white, and her hands trembled. Edmund took her hand and softened his tone. "Please Sis. Please, for your own sake, just remember."
Susan bit her glossy lip hard, shaking her head slowly. Her eyes took on a faraway look.
"No. No, Edmund, I'm running late. I have an engagement to get to." And with that, she snatched up her purse off the ground where it had fallen, dusted her dress off, held her head high, and walked out the door leaving nothing but the sound of heels echoing in the house, and a dash of rose scented perfume behind.
A little while after Susan had left, Peter decided to take a walk to try and get his mind off the stress of his family. Strolling into the park, Peter noticed no one else was there. No wonder, because of the bad weather. He perched himself on a small bench that faced the pond, thinking.
What could he do to save his family? He'd saved his kingdom hundreds of times from enemies, dragons, witches. But somehow this was worse. It was like a disease that had crept into their minds unaware, and was slowly tearing them apart on the inside.
Back in Narnia, Peter would have discussed such a matter with Edmund, as he had sought his brother's wise counsel on many occasions. Peter was always the warrior, the leader, but Edmund was the diplomat. The wise and studious one that could quote the entire book on rules and laws in the land. The Just one, whom Peter could always count on for strategic decisions, regarding any matter. But now…
Picking up a small pebble and tossing it into the pond, Peter grunted. The ripples scattered across the surface of the water, the only disturbance in a peaceful place. The rain fell harder now, but he didn't care. He'd been through worse.
His thoughts drifted back to his brother, and how he has changed since returning to England. Oh, he was still Edmund, but he was now quiet, reserved Edmund that didn't speak to anyone unless he had to. He kept to himself, often locking himself in his room, claiming to be 'studying'. Peter knew better, and in the late nights, when Edmund thought he was asleep, Peter could hear muffled sobbing from the bed across from him.
Oh, how was he wished he could do or say something, anything to ease his baby brother's pain. But unfortunately at this point, he new Edmund well enough to know that his pride wouldn't allow it. He wouldn't admit his internal suffering to anyone, no matter how bad it was. He was like that even in Narnia for a while, when he had initially returned from the witch's camp. But eventually, he had opened up to Peter when Aslan talked with him. Peter had often wondered of Edmund's scars had ever fully healed. Many things happened to him under the hands of the witch, when she lived, and even after her death, Peter knew his brother was sometimes tormented by haunting dreams of her. But back then, Edmund would open up and talk, at least sometimes.
Now, never.
What could Peter do though? Lion's mane… He wished this battle was as easy to win as a physical battle. That would be simpler. He could see his enemy before his eyes, not somewhere hidden in his head.
Lost in thought, Peter didn't hear the soft footsteps approaching behind him.
"Peter?" The small, girlish voice said. He quickly turned around.
"Oh, Lu! What are you doing here? You shouldn't be out in this weather," He admonished.
Lucy pulled her raincoat a bit tighter. Young now though she was, she carried herself tall, and gave off a slight air of queenliness. Her medium brown hair draped over her shoulders, dripping wet, complementing her soft, pale skin. She always had Peter's bright blue eyes, whereas Edmund and Susan shared darker features.
The little girl took a seat on the bench next to him. "You shouldn't be out here either. Mum's beginning to worry." She stared at the pond along with him. "Since Susan was going out tonight, Mum wanted us all home for dinner before she left." She paused. "Of course, now that she's gone, I suppose that wouldn't really matter anymore," Lucy looked at her brother, slight concern written on her face. "Peter, are you alright?"
Aslan, why is she always so perceptive? "Fine Lu. Just thinking." She shouldn't have to share his burdens. It wasn't her responsibility.
"You're thinking about them, aren't you?"
"Yes." It was no use to try and hide things from her. She could always sense what was wrong. Even in Narnia, she was the first one of her siblings to pick up on what was troubling the king. She raised her eyebrows slightly, inquiring what her brother was thinking about. Peter shook his head.
"Just… things have been so different since we got back, Lu."
She nodded sadly. "I know. We've all changed I suppose…" She placed her hand on his arm, stroking it lightly as shed done many times before when she could tell the High King was disturbed over something. He studied her for a moment. "Not you. You're still the same. Full of faith, full of hope…"
A tiny smile graced the girl's face. "I know Aslan will call us back again. Ed and I, I mean…" When she saw the look of despair that crossed Peter's face for a second, she instantly regretted her words. "Oh Peter, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"
He draped his arm around her shoulder. "It's okay Lu. I'll get over it. I have to," He said, sighing. In sincerity, he doubted he would get over it. How could one simply get over being a king? A high king at that? How could he simply transition from being a great leader and ruling a nation to being an ordinary schoolboy in England again?
Not after what he had been through in Narnia. It had changed him, sculpted is very being. Made him who he was. He could not simply dismiss at all, as Susan seemed to have done. Not when it had become so closely apart of him. The worst part wasn't even not being able to see Narnia again. It was the prospect of Aslan being gone. His last words rang through Peter's head.
"In your world I have another name…"
But what could that even mean anyways? Peter looked around, studying his surroundings. The dark gray silhouetted buildings loomed over him, surrounding the clearing of the park. He felt trapped beneath their menacing gaze. The confining gaze of society and expectations that he would once more have to graft into a world of which he could never again be a part of.
Lucy spoke up, as if reading his thoughts, "I think… I'm sure you'll find him again Peter. Even if it's not in Narnia."
Peter nodded a little. He wished, oh, how he wished.
"We should head back now. It'll be dark soon," He simply stated as he rose to his feet. Lucy looked doubtful. "Come on." Peter forced smile for her sake and extended his hand to her. Taking it, Lucy hoped, and silently prayed that Peter would find the answers he was searching for.
Halfway back to their house however, Peter felt something lurch in his stomach. Something was not right. Letting go of Lucy's hand, he said, "Why don't you run on back home now, Lu? I'll be back in a while. There's something I have to do."
Nodding, Lucy went off in the opposite direction of Peter. He didn't know what it was, but something was going on with Susan. He could feel it. And he knew exactly where to go.
About ten minutes later, Peter noticed a dimly-lit house in the distance, which he immediately recognized from a while back when he had picked Susan up from here once. Hmm, I remember these fellows… He recalled to himself. He wasn't certain how he would be received, having not been invited and all. But it didn't matter. He'd find a way to get in.
Peter heard several loud voices and laughter from inside as he rapped his knuckles on the door. After several impatient moments of waiting, he knocked again, this time louder. A teenage boy who appeared to be about Edmund's age answered the door, an almost empty drink in his hand. His dark hair was slicked back, his eyes sunken into his thin face. He staggered to the left, but grabbed the door jam for support a bit too aggressively. He looked Peter up and down, a twisted expression on his face. "Yeah? Who are you?" He spat out, half drunk.
Peter didn't care for his tone, or his appearance. "I am Peter Pevensie," He replied, hoping the boy would recognize the last name. When he looked quizzically at Peter, he continued in a harsher tone. "Susan's brother," he said through gritted teeth, glaring at him.
"Oh, her. Well, come in I guess." He took a large gulp of his drink, and sauntered back inside to join his friends, leaving Peter alone at the door.
"Thanks."
Peter's only agenda was to find Susan. As he walked in, the musty smell of smoke and alcohol reached his nostrils, making him grimace. He wasn't used to this type of environment, and it was making him feel nauseous. The mere thought that his practical sister, Susan, could come here all the time made him cringe.
Glancing around the room, his eyes searched for his sister, ignoring all of the other guests. It was hard to see though, as the room was dim, and the loud music that was blaring made his head pound.
Several of the young ladies noticed the tall blonde that had just now entered, and giggled flirtatiously at him. Their laughs however, were drowned out in the noisy, rowdy scene. Peter had never before realized just how different this world was than Narnia, and had never felt more out of place anywhere in his life.
He kept his eyes forward, trying not to see all the couples making out and doing other things that disgusted him as he crossed through the main room, searching for Susan. When he didn't see her anywhere, he began to worry. Where could she be? Aslan, he hoped nothing had happened to her. Surely she was around here somewhere…
Once he had scoured the entire house, up and down stairs, Peter decided to step outside in the backyard to check, just in case. He remembered what Edmund had once told him long ago. "Never rule out any possibilities."
Just then, he began to hear some voices from around the corner of the house. His heart nearly skipped a beat when he recognized one of them as his sister's.
"What do you mean, Gary?" Susan's voice sounded on edge, causing Peter to slowly step closer to the scene. He leaned against the wall silently, trying to hear what was being said before stepping in. He heard rustling, and leaned his head slightly to the right, straining to hear.
"I mean, why are you so dull, Susan?"
"I am not dull. I just don't feel…comfortable doing the things you want me to Gary." She trailed off, feeling more than uncomfortable right now. How did I get myself into this mess? She knew what this young man was capable of from the stories her friends had told her. But, like a fool, she had been taken by his handsome appearances and gentlemanly facade, ignoring all sound advice from her family and close friends. She could now sense that Gary was becoming angry by the way he spoke to her, and though she hadn't before, she now feared what he could do to her since they were alone. No one would even hear me if I called for help… She worried.
Gary's cold eyes reflected in the moonlight, boring into Susan. A slow, wicked smile spread across the man's face when he noticed her trembling. "Are you frightened?" He asked, stroking her bare shoulder. The feel of his rough hand made Susan shudder.
"I…I…" Susan stuttered out. "I just can't do the things you want me to…" She repeated. She knew she sounded weak, and she wanted nothing more than to flee this scene right now. But she couldn't. Not with Gary holding her like this. His grasp on her shoulder tightened, and his fingers dug into her skin.
"And why not?"
Never had Susan felt more helpless. Never had she realized before that the path she had been taking for her life for so long could only lead to heartbreak; the very feeling she'd been trying to avoid all this time. And for the first time in what seemed to be ages, she seemed to hear a voice.
"To the radiant southern sun, I give you Queen Susan, the Gentle…."
Oh….Aslan….I didn't mean it! I didn't mean any of what I said! She recoiled as Gary continued to touch her. She was a queen. She would not be treated this way.
When he wouldn't stop, she couldn't take it anymore. "Stop. Just….stop!"
Peter could barley hear what was being said, but he wasn't going to wait any longer.
Peeling his hands off of her slowly, Gary's sardonic voice echoed in the night, sending chills down Susan's spine. He took a step back and gave her a mocking look. "Fine then. Be that way. I'll find someone else who's better than you."
Suddenly, Susan felt a sharp sting across her face, and before she knew what was happening, she was on the ground, having been thrown down onto the hard cement. She cried out, as pain ripped through her ankle and arm. Touching her face, she felt a small trickle of blood from the top of her cheek.
"You…you hit me!" She shrieked, still in shock. However, Susan didn't have much time to process this, for not a split second later, she saw Gary tackled to the ground by two strong arms. A flash of blonde hair whipped in her face as she instantly recognized her brother.
"P…Peter?!" She exclaimed as she moved away from the two boys who were fighting.
Raising a fist to the boy, Peter yelled at the top of his lungs, "You think you can treat my sister like that? You bloody fool!"
He crashed his fist down hard on Gary's face, giving him a bloody nose and a large bruise on his face. At first he attempted to speak, but Peter silenced him with several more punches. After a moment, Peter abruptly stood, and kicked him in the side, leaving the young man moaning in pain on the ground.
Wiping his brow, Peter proceeded to where his sister was standing a little ways off, holding her left eye that was beginning to swell. She was pale, and cold sweat dripped down her forehead.
"Susan? Are you…"
Susan just stood there, staring at Gary on the ground who was cursing under his breath. She opened her mouth to say something, but no sound came out. Finally, she burst into tears, and buried her face into his chest. Peter put his arm around her, trying to calm her down. "Shh..shh.." He whispered to her as he hugged her close. "It's over now. You'll never see that bastard again."
Susan just nodded, saying nothing.
"We need to get you home, Su," he said softly, rubbing her shoulder. Susan trembled from the cold and fear of what had happened. Slipping his cardigan off, Peter wrapped it around her and led her back through the house to the door, never once letting go of her. Susan kept her head down, ashamed and hurt, avoiding the suspicious glances of onlookers.
The whole ride home, Susan spoke no words. It seemed there was nothing to be said.
Once the two pulled up in front of the house, Peter took the keys out of the ignition. "Are you going to be ok, Susan?"
Breathing deeply, Susan grasped for words, but still struggled to find them. At last, she spoke. "It was my fault that happened."
Peter looked incredulously at her. "No, it was that fool Gary's fault. What do you mean?"
"I was the one who believed him. I was deceived by him. I allowed him to treat me like that, all the while knowing it was wrong…and then I heard those words. Oh, those beautiful words…and I remembered. I remembered everything. Oh Peter.." She choked. "Lucy was right. Lucy is right. I'm the one who's been such a fool." She bit her red lip, which was smeared now. Black streaks of mascara blurred across her face in the moonlight. Peter noticed the corner of her sleeve was torn as well.
He reached up and touched her cheek, stroking it lightly where the bruise was darkening into a bluish green color. "Susan, none of us can change what has happened to us in Narnia. Believe me, the fact that we had to leave kills me every day inside. It's like a piece of my soul was left there, and I cant seem to find that piece of me anywhere here. I don't think I ever will."
"You were the High King…"
"And you the High Queen," Peter blinked back tears, his face contorting as he fought his emotions. Susan's face worked in the same way. Suddenly Peter hit the steering wheel, then shouted, "Damnit Susan, we're not going back! Ever! By the Lion…why would Aslan make us royalty, and give us everything, only to take it all away?!" He hunched over and buried his face in his hands, sobbing.
Finally giving into her tears, Susan let herself weep as she reached over and rubbed Peter's back. "I don't know…I don't know…there must be a reason for it all.."
A few moments later, a silence seemed to fall inside the vehicle. The eldest Pevensies looked at each other. Peter whispered in a broken voice, "How do I find Him though? How can Aslan be here?"
"He said He'd be here. Perhaps we just have to look for Him.."