1

Wow, Earth is really fucked up these days.

I mean, look at what we've had in the past few years: faggot marriage, transgender bathroom access, no school prayer, anti-Christian political correctness…

Yeah, I know it's been like this for a while and God and I haven't done jack shit about it, but I'm still allowed to reminisce about old times, right?

But I digress. I haven't even introduced myself. How rude of me.

Hi. I'm Jesus-Fucking-Christ.

Son of God, savior of the world, and currently seated at the right hand of my Daddy, God, doing absolutely fuck all.

To be fair, I am still grounded after all. Also, I did recently promise myself that I would respect humanity's free will to come to the Lord's side and live a sin free life. I can't exactly go down there and tell people to start stoning faggots, trannies, Democrats and other abominations to God. They have to choose the straight and narrow for themselves you know.

But holy shit, what's happening down on Earth is depressing as fuck. Seeing that crap for the last few decades… well, that shit will drive you mad. Surely I can still do something about it. I did plenty back in the old days. I don't necessarily have to trample on free will.

I shift my "God mode" view tool, which I'm currently using to see what's happening on Earth, to random places on Earth. I'm not really looking for anything in particular – I just want to see how fucked up humanity has become ever since I left the planet about two thousand years ago.

Well, to be fair, it was fucked up then, but this is a different kind of fucked up. Me coming to visit humanity all that time ago was supposed to stop shit like this happening. Instead, sin is everywhere.

I bring the "God mode" view to stop on some town square, where people are gathering around a massive Christmas tree which towers over all of them. It's not yet Christmas, so it isn't lit up, but it's already decorated with loads of tinsel, baubles and massive string lights. Basically it was ready to go come festival time.

How boring.

I look for a short while before I decide to switch the view to another random place. This time, I land inside the headquarters of the Fenwick Atheist Group – the late David Pilverman's house. There are about twenty or so people sitting in the living room while a young guy in a black and white business suit stands up against the far wall next to the wall-mounted flat screen TV. On the TV was a graphic with a rectangular red background, with the words "Make Christmas Great again: Skip Church" plastered across the center in large white block letters. The bottom left corner simply read "Fenwick Atheist Group" in much smaller block text and the left corner said 'In memory of David Pilverman.'

Clearly, David Pilverman roasting in hell wasn't enough to deter these fuckers. But I digress.

Right now, the smartly dressed man standing next to the TV is rambling on about the strategy to "take back Christmas." Of course, the fucker doesn't know what the hell he is talking about, since Christmas is Christian – you know, because it celebrates my birthday. Even little kids know that.

Yeah, I know the date is off, but shut the fuck up. No human is perfect.

But back to the topic of taking back Christmas. Atheists are an awfully arrogant lot; they like to think that they know everything. I decide to listen for a while to his little rant. I want to see how this guy is going to make a fool of himself.

"Remember everyone," the man began, "Christmas was originally a pagan festival, but it has been hijacked by Christians. If any Christian tries to pull the 'Christmas is Christian' bullshit, throw Jeremiah Ten, verses one to five in their faces."

I see some of the people nod their heads in agreement at this. The man then motions to the graphic on the TV screen. "This is our new billboard design, which the vast majority of you agreed on. It capitalizes on the election of Donald Krumf to point out to religious people that the country is for all people, not just them, as well as letting closet atheists that they are not alone. In the coming weeks, they'll be going up in heavily religious neighbourhoods."

With this, the people in attendance clap their hands vigorously. I simply stare in disgust at them. What sad losers, trying to enjoy Christmas like Christians currently do. If you all were Christian, then there would be no problem, you fucking imbeciles.

And how dare you fucking desecrate my birthday, you fucking sinning infidels. How about I shit on your birthday party? I'm starting to get a little angry now.

I watch him ramble on for a little while before I get bored and decide to move on. It's best to ignore these fuckers anyway. Don't get too worked up about them, I tell myself. It's not worth it. Calm down, Jesus.

I flick my view to another random place. This time, I'm looking at the living room of another house, with a group of about ten young men sitting in a circle on the cream carpet. Interestingly enough, all of them were in rainbow colored t-shirts. Also, there was no furniture in this room: no sofas, no tables or chairs, nothing but the carpet.

Quickly consulting my omniscience, I realized that I was looking at a meetup of young faggots located somewhere in the centre of a suburb named Hillsborough. It neighboured Pilverman's suburb of Fenwick, though this suburb wasn't a rich middle-class area like Fenwick but a place filled with rotten douchebags that are too poor to live nearer to the city and usually spend more time getting high and shooting people than actually doing something useful, like spreading the gospel. Probably the only good thing I could say about this suburb was that it might lower the property prices at the edges of Fenwick, which would make it great for high class bible study houses or some shit like that.

"Everybody," one of them began, "as you no doubt will know, times are dire indeed. With the election of Donald Krumpf for president, we will have to resort to using much more… shall I say, extreme measures. Our very existence is under threat now. All of our hard-won rights could be rolled back before our eyes. Now is not the time for dithering. Now is the time for fighting. Now I know that we are short on cash and resources; as you can see, I've had to sell everything in this house for our cause. But remember, all hope is not lost. We can still win this."

A murmur of agreement could be heard from the group.

The young man that was speaking stood up, and now I could see him clearly. He was a blond haired, white man, with brilliant blue eyes; he looked exactly like a fucking typical college Nazi liberal – you know, the type constantly trying to force "equality" and "tolerance" bullshit down your throat. He started to speak again, much more animatedly this time with his hands waving in front of him as he spoke. "Never forget, gentlemen, what people who came before had to go through to get to where we are today. Remember all the young gays that were locked up and subject to cruel, degrading treatment. Remember all the young people rejected by their own families, beaten in the schools and the streets. Remember the number that took their own lives. Remember all the cruelty and hatred that they experienced. We will not go back to those times. We will fight to keep our rightful place in society!"

Applause thundered from the assembled group at his grandiose speech. I could only feel sick at the sight. Celebrating abomination and sin? This close to Christmas? Can some good Christian please shut that guy up?

He continued to ramble on. "But now, thanks to the fucking disgusting religious people in this fucking country…" his voice broke as he began to choke a little, tears starting to form in his eyes, "Krumpf is now our president and now we've… we've had a massive increase in gay suicides. We've had hate mail, we've… we've had bullying. We've… had the worst of the worst come back to haunt us again. All because religious fucks couldn't stand equality." This time he breaks down sobbing, and the others closest to him stand up to comfort him.

For a while, nobody spoke as the members of the group had a little collective cry and sob with the guy, but eventually the guy recovers enough to start speaking again. "But we will fight!" He said, voice soft at first, but growing louder as he gained his confidence back. "And we will keep fighting! And what better time to start than this Christmas? We'll take on the religious' favorite holiday, and we will kick out god and put in equality! This at least, I'm sure we will win. We have allies everywhere, and we must keep up the fight. This will send a message that we will not be cowed!"

I'm starting to get really fucking angry now. Wow, what a major asshole. Somebody needs to stop this fucker.

I watch the guy ramble on and on for a while, my stomach churning every time the crowd clapped and cheered on his anti-god agenda. Finally, I decided I had enough and decided to change the view. I needed some relief from that load of sinful crap. I needed to find a good pastor preaching the Word of God, like Fred Khelps or somebody just as fearless to calm me down. Hopefully, they would wage the good fight against the corruption of Christmas on my behalf. No more bending over backwards for the evil secular culture.

If only I could help them now. Shame about my grounding though.

I switch the view over to a random evangelical church, located somewhere on the outskirts of Hillsborough, where the urban areas stopped and the rural grassland areas began. It's a small and narrow wooden building with a nice cosy interior, but both rows of pews are packed to the limit by mostly middle aged white people. At the pulpit, a white, middle aged pastor in a find black and white suit is standing at the pulpit, fearlessly denouncing the evils of the world to his congregation.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he says as he raises a finger for emphasis, "the last days are upon us. Corruption is everywhere. Sin is normal. We are being persecuted for our witness for Christ. Everywhere we look, we are no longer allowed to be Christian!" There was righteous fire in his eyes and his voice thundered throughout the building, and there were choruses of murmured agreement from the assembled crowd. What a brilliant man of God. Willing to give the finger to the fucking culture.

"Faggots are getting married! Trans-freaks are accessing our bathrooms! Christian business owners can't tell fags and trannies to get the hell out of their stores! Evil liberals are teaching our kids that it's okay to be gay! Good Christian people are being fired – yes, fired! – for telling gays that they will go to hell! Satan has this nation in his grip! The liberals are waging a war against us! And they are winning!"

He paused, leaning over the pulpit dramatically, while the congregation hushed then leaned in toward him, curious as to what he was going to say next.

Finally, he continued, though his voice was much quieter than before. "And now… the evil ungodly liberals want to corrupt Christmas, the birthday of our precious savior. They want people to say 'happy holidays' instead of 'merry Christmas.' They want to remove every shred of godliness from our great nation." He paused again, his fiery eyes sweeping over the congregation. There were quiet gasps and nods of approval.

"Now," he continued, "we may have dodged a bullet with the election of Donald Krumf, and I thank all the good Christians that voted for him. But we cannot be complacent!" His voice was thundering again, much to the crowd's delight. "The liberals still want to criminalize Christianity! They still want to take our children and turn them gay or abort them if they can't sexually confuse them! They still want to sneak trannies into any public bathroom where they can grope your kids! They want to shove their sexual perversion down our throats! But they will not win!" He yelled hoarsely, to thunderous applause from the congregation. His sermon is so powerful that I find that my heart is leaping for joy at him, all my anger forgotten at that instant.

"You know what we're going to do?" He yelled, still on fire as the applause continued. "Does anyone know?"

One man in the crowd raised his hand. The applause died down, and all eyes turned to him, causing the man to shrink a little at the attention before he spoke. "We're uh… going to show them the love and grace of Jesus Christ?"

Awkward silence fell on the room, as all eyes continued to glare at the man, making him shrink into the pew even more than he already was.

Finally, the pastor was the first to break the silence. "Fuck that shit. We're goin' fag hunting!"

Another round of cheering and thunderous applause.

Now that's the spirit! I just wish I could join the lovely pastor on his sin cleansing mission. Once again, I'd do yet another evangelism trip, though this time I won't have to do it alone, which should improve my success rates at bringing people to salvation. And I'll stop this fucking blasphemous desecration of my birthday.

But like I said, too bad about the grounding though. That fucking sucks.

However, before I fell too deeply into despair, I'm interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. "Son?"

I look away from the screen at my dad next to me.

"Good news," he says with a smile. "You're no longer grounded. Now run along, and be a good boy."

I smile back in response. Fuck yeah. Time to get back into action.

I'm preparing to go back to Earth yet again, because humanity keeps fucking up and I have to clean up the mess.

I know, you're probably wondering why the hell I have to keep going back when the Bible says I wouldn't until the second coming. Also, I did say last Halloween that I would respect free will, right? Isn't going back just me walking back on my promises?

Well, not really. You see, in the Bible, the book of Revelation says that I will be coming in spectacular fashion, in such a fucking glorious way that every eye on Earth will see me and tremble. Also, I'll be coming to gather my followers. If I don't do either of those things, and just come and go, then I'm not really breaking any rules, right?

Good thing my daddy's a lazy fuck. Lots of loopholes and all.

Also, getting rid of some problematic gays and other sinners on Christmas isn't really interfering with free will. I just don't want them fucking up my birthday party. It's a one-off, you know. If my daddy can make exceptions, then so can I.

Now of course, my daddy's also a fucking douchebag, so once again, he said he would strip me of my powers before I went back to Earth, because me performing too many miracles these days might confuse the fuck out of most people and make them worship Ganesha or Allah or some other shitty god.

Now having gone through an evangelism trip without any powers last Halloween, I knew how fucking terrible that idea was, so I begged and pleaded with him until he relented a little and let me have a little of my powers to take with me to Earth.

I would have a one-time use ability to resurrect any formerly living thing.

Now I thought that was still fucking stupid – how the fuck am I supposed to evangelize a sinful culture with only the ability to resurrect once? So, I begged and pleaded with daddy some more, and only just managed to get another concession out of him.

I now have a two-time use ability to resurrect any formerly living thing.

Yeah, it's still fucking shit, but it'll have to do.

So, with that said, I make my way past heaven's usual scenery: the towering golden mansions, the rivers of milk and honey, and the massive wide open fields of unnaturally green grass, to reach the front gate, where I promptly leap out beyond the boundary of heaven, and messiah warp teleport to my first spot on Earth: the gay gathering in Hillsborough.