This is what happens when I get depressed and my ship needs more angst.

Please listen this song while reading this fic, please!

/m9Mhu1TJBgk

Three years ago...

"And so, I am pleased to announce that the winner for the Grand Prix Final this year, is.."

There was a silent gap as the announcer stopped, opening the envelope and taking out a paper that had the winner's name written on it. Katsuki Yuuri had a hand over his chest, his lips pressed in a thin line as he anxiously waited for the winner's name to be announced. His heart thumped hard and fast; Yuuri felt as if it was going to burst. As the announcer smiled and looked up from the letter in his hands, the Japanese figure skater closed his eyes, hoping, praying,

pleasepleaseplease–

"Yuri Plisetsky, followed by Jean-Jacques Leroy and Christophe Giacometti!"

Cheers and congratulations were thrown as the three skaters skated to the centre of the rink to receive their medals and then waved at the spectators that came to watch the competition. One side was cheering for Yuri, another was cheering for JJ whilst the others were cheering for Chris. The coaches looked satisfied, smiling and nodding – as if they were patting themselves on the back. Phichit obviously looked disappointed in himself, nonetheless taking out his phone from his bag and taking selfies with the winners as soon as they came back. Otabek was just standing there, clapping both of his hands with an unexplainable look. But there was one skater who was still in shock.

Standing up from the Kiss and Cry, he walked out of the arena; wanting to get some fresh air to calm himself down. Him leaving went unnoticed by everyone else since they were so busy congratulating the winners; everyone, but his coach.

A skater's heart is fragile; like glass. In a competition, defeat is a normal occurrence that happens between competitors. Yuuri knew the feeling of defeat like the back of his hand; after all, his past was full of defeat. He stood outside, sighing deeply as he stared at the sky. "..It's snowing," he murmured, outstretching his hand as a snowflake landed on it, melting almost instantly.

"Yuuri!" Two familliar voice rang in his ears. When he turned around, his sister and his former ballet teacher was running towards him. He too, wanted to run; to run away from them, to run away from the feeling of regret, to run away from the embarrassment, to run away from defeat.

To run away from..everything.

"I lost," he murmured in a low tone, but it was loud enough for the two to hear. Well, three if you include Victor who was eavesdropping their conversation. "I lost, again. And I was so sure that I could bring back a gold during the press conference." His voice sounded hollow; it didn't have the usual emotion he always had. Minako and Mari fell silent as they heard the words coming out from the male skater's lips. "'Now I know what love is and I am stronger for it, I'll prove to myself a Grand Prix Final gold medal'," he repeated his words from the press conference.
"Just how.. naive was I to utter those words when I couldn't even get into the podium until a few months ago?" He let out a dry laugh, shaking his head. Then, he stopped and turned away. "I'm quitting skating and I'm going to force Victor to step down as my coach."

"Yuuri! I know you're depressed about losing, but that's going too far!" Minako argued, taking a step forward. "So what if it is? Yuuri Katsuki, a student who is under Victor Nikiforov — a living legend, mind you— failed to win the Grand Prix Final. That is an embarrassment. I've already embarrassed Japan, and now Victor? After all what he did for me?" He gritted his teeth, kicking the snow that had piled up earlier. "Inexcusable!"

"Yuuri!"

"There's nothing you could do to change my mind."

And so, Victor stepped down as his coach and continued skating under Yakov, Yuuri announced that he will stop being a figure skater due to an injury he had some time ago and would instead coach children in Hasetsu Ice Castle. Although disappointed, the country still thanked him for everything he did so far.

The hot spring was now less lively as they lost not one, but two of their family members.

Three years have passed and the Hasetsu Ice Castle was lively with children and teenagers. Just like what Yuuri said, he became a coach for kids and teens and received a lot of students on his first week. He had taught them the basics; how to stand still, how to skate, how to stop and so on. He also received a lot of positive feedback, his students all loved him dearly.

Although, he didn't get the spark back.

The spark in his eyes, the twinkle that everyone was so drawn to; everything disappeared due to the defeat he experienced three years ago. He was still in contact with the other skaters, of course, but the time they got to spend together got less and less until they were merely numbers in his contact list. Phichit was the only one who he still exchanged messages with such as "Good luck" and vice versa.

"Katsuki-sensei!" One of the students, Miira who was barely nine years old, skated towards him, stopping and pulling his sleeve. Yuuri knelt down so they could be eye-level. "What is it, Miira?" He gently asked, a smile evident on his face. "Could you please skate a programme for us?" The smile faltered. "Not the usual; we wanna see a programme you made yourself!"

Yuuri looked down on the ice, when was the last time I skated a programme? I've been coaching all this time..

"Sure, no problem." He smiled, standing up and clapping twice. "Lessons will be on hold for ten minutes; I'm going to skate a programme I never skated in a competition before." Cheers echoed around the ice rink as the children went to the sidelines to watch. Yuuri went to connect his phone with the speaker — can't skate without music, after all — before skating back to the centre.

Victor, this will be the last time I'll skate for you.

Are you watching me? Do you remember the times we spent together?

I'm sorry for yelling at you the other day; I was devastated with the results of the competition.

Do you hate me? Cause I hate myself. I hate the fact that I couldn't save you.

..Will you ever forgive me?

At the corner of the Ice Castle lies a small shrine Yuuri Katsuki had built for Victor Nikiforov, his former coach and fiance after he met with an accident that took his life away.

I hate myself for this.