Aronpuma: Hello fellow Hetalia fanfiction readers, welcome to this coauthored story penned by DeathbladeMeister and myself, Aronpuma.

DeathbladeMeister: Yo. DbM here. I wrote this chapter, Aron added to it.

Aronpuma: We alternate for most chapters, but I did not just add to this one!

DeathbladeMeister: Yes you did, you stupid American.

Aronpuma: Fine I'll accept it, it was your concept after all.

DeathbladeMeister: You mean I got drunk on New Years Eve and messaged you to complain about my neighbors? And we wrote a FanFiction based on the ensuing conversation?

Aronpuma: Exactly, except I wasn't drunk for the proceedings.

DeathbladeMeister: Maybe not, but you'd probably drunk as much as me. I am British, after all.

Aronpuma: But it is much harder in America to get alcohol underage, so no, I was sober.

DeathbladeMeister:... How did we create an abomination of a country where the barely underage cannot get alcohol?

Aronpuma: Because Prohibition.

DeathbladeMeister: No wonder we celebrate the 4th of July. We're glad to be rid of you. And don't talk to me about restrictions, my ancestors landed at Plymouth Rock! But we came back. (Not a joke)

Aronpuma: Yeah, I'm 1/32nd Native American, so my ancestry traces back before you even settled, but we should probably cut to the story before the readers get tired of this bullshit.

DeathbladeMeister: Yeah. The AN is longer than the original chapter.

Aronpuma: Which is why you have me, but anyway onto the Chapter.

DeathbladeMeister: Sorry for the YGOTAS references. and by the way, this fanfiction will contain language deemed to be strong by some. If you don't like that, please don't berate us. We have warned you. This is rated T and teenagers swear.

Aronpuma: And we will be updating weekly for as long as our procrastination let's us.

DeathbladeMeister: About four weeks.

Chapter One: England's Champagne

"And is why Mariks' henchmen are all named Steve."

All countries actually paying attention to the New World nation looked at him incredulously. But that was only a few; at least two were sleeping, six were fighting, and no-one wanted to think about what France was doing under the table.

A very productive world meeting was going on- or so it seemed. Every country had been called to Windsor Castle in a state of emergency, something about a vital economic reboot. Though it seemed some countries were taking the crisis far more seriously than others. Greece ironically enough was probably the most invested considering his current financial situation. Russia meanwhile was thinking about where he would eat dinner, he could never find good Russian food in Berkshire, so that was out of the question.

Britain took a break from trying to castrate Spain and defend himself from Romano at the same time to give America his feedback.

"That is undoubtedly the stupidest presentation you've ever given, America."

America grinned at the glaring Brit. "But it makes perfect sense!"

"Of all people, Prussia is not Marik Ishtar."

"He's got the bird, he's got the hair, he's got the accent-"

"He's not Egyptian, he's not got a tattoo, he's not got a leather fetish-"

"Only one part of that statement is true, kessees."

Britain and America looked at the ex-nation in disbelief.

"Dude, you're Egyptian?"

Britain stared and facepalmed at the idiocy of his former colony. "America, you cannot possibly be that stupid."

"YES I CAN! I'M THE HER-oh."

"You rest my case. Please keep the castle clean, the future Queen of England has lent it to us."

Britain reached for his briefcase, undid his bow tie (yes, Britain wears a bow tie. Why? Unicorns. Screw the logic, I have Fanfiction!) and packed up for he was to leave the meeting hall.

"You can't just abandon a meeting held in your own castle" protested Austria.

"This is my castle, I can do what I want, and I will not have people annoy me on my own land."

He then walked out with other indifference to everyone else. Switzerland tapped Liechtenstein's shoulder.

"Nothing is going to get done here, let's go home."

"Yes big brother."

Germany, who was sitting on the opposite side of the room and didn't hear them. turned to the person sitting next to him.

"Why did they leave at a time like this?"

"Eh, probably Martians." replied Hungary with a knowing smile.

Germany made a mental note to now list Hungary under 'insane'. That was a great shame, Hungary was one of the few nations Germany had listed as 'sane' in his databases.

The rest of the meeting carried on as normal. America has stupid ideas, Italy trying to turn a table into pasta, Germany attempting to comprehend when he succeeded, Japan and Hungary making plans that made most male nations shake in fear, Russia being a creepy-ass motherfucker, Belarus assaulting Lithuania and Poland assaulting Belarus.

France was disappointed though, with England gone he had no-one to molest.

So France did what French people did when they're bored.

No, not that, you perverts.

He made a cunning plan. As cunning as the fox that used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but had moved on and now works for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning.

And for some reason, Britain had a very ominous feeling for the rest of the day.

"Yo, France, why do you need me in a darkened room in the dead of night when nobody's around and told me to come alone and tell nobody?"

"... L'Amerique, you paint me in such a bad light."

"You don't really try to make yourself look any better."

"What!? I am the true connoisseur of culture; that alone should be enough to…"

"Whatevs. Can you tell me your super-specially phat chocolatey fudge awesome super plan?"

France looked disbelievingly at America before explaining the plan. He wasn't sure if he was more surprised at the fact that he had predicted he had a plan, or the manner of the delivery of that information.

"We shall force Angleterre to taste French champagne, then blackmail him with the footage."

America looked shocked.

"Dude, I know you like the guy, but I'm not going to force Iggy to give you head- that's kind of sick, man.."

"Not like that! Honestly, I think you must be more mentally depraved than me sometimes. I meant the literal champagne."

Alfred raised his eyebrows. "Francis, Iggy doesn't need our help to get wasted."

"Oui, but it will annoy him more to learn it was French."

"True, but how are we gonna get it to him?"

"Ah, now that is the cleverest part. Angleterre normally indulges on Cider for the new year, so if we make sure that the bottles are not filled up with cider but champagne…"

"Dude, you're forgetting that Iggy's not going to touch the stuff as soon as he tastes it's not cider."

"You did not let me finish! We make sure the first bottle he drinks has cider, so by the time he starts another, he'll be too drunk to want to stop drinking, but not drunk enough to slowly realize what it is. It will be priceless! Now I need to go call Estonia. He's going to hack into the security cameras so we can watch it live."

"Sounds totally wicked! so what do I do?"

"You'll distract him while I fill the bottles oh it's going to be so glorious. Now I shall call Estonia!"

"Is that seriously all I get to do, come on; couldn't I break in like Tom Cruise from.."

"Tais-toi! Bonjour Estonia…...could you help me…...oh how ever did you guess that…...but that was all Prussia's fault, I had nothing to do with it…...I don't care that he hasn't gotten over it, he's not going to find out…...well I didn't need your help anyway." France shut his phone rather violently.

"Estonia is not going to be helping us!"

"Dude, you don't have to sound so angry."

"There is no point to my carefully crafted plan if we can't see it happen, and an entire afternoon of my life will be wasted. Wait; can't your NSA gain access to the cameras of Windsor Castle?"

"Are you kidding? Iggy keeps security on that place really really tight, especially with someone as important as me there."

"Then this was all for nothing."

"Don't you think someone else could hack it?"

"No, I can't think of anyone America; just leave me to my wasted day."

"Alright, I was going to tell who I thought of, but if you want me to leave…"

"Who else!? WHO!?"

"My Bro, Canada."

"Mon petit Canada? When did he learn to hack Angleterre's security systems?"

"I don't know, I mean he doesn't go out much. I just remember this one time joining him on his Birthday to watch Iggy, you know the one where Iggy couldn't come cause he 'felt a cold coming on'. He missed mine too."

"Where can we get a hold of him?"

"I dunno, he's probably in his room."

"Oh America, we are saved. England's champaign will be delivered after all.

As the long-time allies plotted, Arthurs' spy ran back with the audio recording ready for a full report.