I hated therapy.

I guess when you start beating people up for no reason and start acting crazy they have to do something with you. That's what brought me here, to this sterile room talking with the ever composed Moroi counselor trying to get me to talk to her. I hated it. She would only answer me in questions so I gave up and stopped talking all together.

As a result, I was now sitting in front of a blank screen trying to write my feelings ugh.

Under threat of being expelled I decided I might as well give the tight ass what she wanted. Who knows maybe it would help, but I wasn't gonna hold my breath. If this email comes back with any grammer marks though I cannot be held accountable for my actions, just saying. She did say that anything I told her would be kept private and I could express anything without fear of backlash so I was gonna let her fucking have it.

To: Doctor Leslie Brown

From: Novice Rose Hathaway

The loneliness was only getting harder to bare. Growing up an only child would have been hard, but growing up without any family was harder. Sure I had a mom, some people like Lissa had lost her parents and she was now completely alone, but I had my mother, she just didn't think anything was as important as her career.

So no family, check.

I had a wonderful best friend who I was lucky enough to become part of her family. But, you always know in the back of your mind that really you are still just a stray who will never actually be as important as the rest of the family. When she lost her parents I finally felt like all we had was each other, and that our bond truly grew to be that of real sisters. But even if I felt we were sisters the thing that would always set us apart was that Lissa was Royalty. No matter how close we were we would never be equals. Something that was quite clear in how little Lissa realized that I would never get to have dreams or goals. My only mission in life was to protect her, something that until recently I was happy to go along with.

What had really changed? Mostly she was in love with the ever annoying although perfect for her boyfriend. I actually thought he was perfect for her after I tried to sabotage their relationship and realized what a mistake I had made. Now I simply took a back seat to their true love.

I really was happy for her, but being so unhappy in my own life made me resentful.

I found that my usual " happy go lucky, I am God's gift to men and if you don't like me you can go fuck yourself" attitude was turning into more of a "wtf" loop at everything and everyone. I couldn't go half a day without literally wanting to cry, kill or simply give up. I was losing myself and no one even looked close enough to notice. All they saw was the front I put up, no one looked past my mask, which made me feel all the more alone and unloved.

Really my only reprieve was training and being the best at everything that would make me a kick ass guardian! However, now that wasn't even an escape for me. Dimitri. That name says it all, was I hopelessly in love, yes. Was the attraction on a whole other level of sweet sassy molassy, yes. What it boiled down to was this, he felt like my soulmate. He saw me. All of me. He saw past who I showed to the world, and not only cared enough to look, he actually understood and related. How do you describe a connection that is indescribable?

I have met a lot of guys. Really and whether they were Moroi, Dhampir, or human it didn't matter. They all saw what I showed them on the surface. Did I have amazing connection with some, of course I did. I was attracted to tons! I had had guys who were intellectually stimulating too, but no one touched what I felt with Dimitri.

As luck, fate or whatever you want to call it would have it, he was my mentor/ instructor. Yes, there were all kinds of rules and moral blah blah blah... What really kept us apart was the fact that despite my soul being called to his, he acted as if I was nothing more than a student that he was invested in. I'm a piece of shit for even still wanting him. I couldn't help it though. I thought I could keep him as my friend. I should've known we could never be just friends. The pull was too strong. It was like every cliche romance were they describe the magnetic pull, and with us and magnets the longer they are together the stronger the pull becomes.

While he acted completely professional, I could see it was an act. Did that really make me feel any better, no it did not. In fact, it pissed me off. In the end all we really want in this life is to have someone choose us, over everyone else, under any circumstances.

I'm pretty sure that's why I'm so messed up.

It felt so unfair to have found someone I felt this level of connection with(especially after being so alone in life) only to have such huge obstacles in my way.

I'm done writing so hopefully you don't expel me.

AN I'm not a great writer to begin with, I mostly love reading, but this was buzzing in my brain so I let it out. I haven't written in years, be kind. Review and let me know what you think.