A series of One-shots detailing the strange and often humorous (or at least I find them humorous) little things I think of involving the .hack characters, among others. Please note that there will be crossovers in some of these from other video games, anime, etc.
Disclaimer: I do not own .hack.
On Reviews: Please review! Reviews are addicting, and I'd hate to start suffering withdrawal symptoms if people didn't review…
Genre: Humor / Parody (Some of it, anyway)
Rating: G toPG (I'm not really sure whether some of these are little kid friendly enough to constitute a G rating, so that's why I've opted to rate it PG )
Close Encounter Number One: Small World
Kite hurried through Mac Anu, or tried to, at any rate. It was absolutely thronging with people, most of them newbies. The red-clothed twin blade sighed as yet another cluster of oblivious chattering players walked on by. They would have run him over, if not for his quick reflexive dodging. As it was, Kite had to keep on dodging and sidestepping to avoid more clumps. It was more challenging than one might imagine.
"Ooh… Blackrose is going to kill me for being late," he muttered as he finally came within sight of the Chaos Gate.
He couldn't see Blackrose – too many other player blocking his view – but he knew she'd be there, fuming with impatience. And when he did reach the Chaos Gate, she'd be ticked off at him, and Kite would wind up receiving a long lecture. If he logged out now to avoid it, she'd only send him an angry email, then refuse to talk, or meet him for a couple weeks, or until he had apologized profusely enough. Either way, Kite was in trouble. He sighed resignedly and began the last leg of the gauntlet of newbies.
Just a few feet from the steps to the Chaos Gate, a pink-haired heavy blade who looked remarkably familiar brushed past him. Kite did a double take. Well, she was a bit shorter than before, but wasn't that Blackrose? But, she'd disappeared into the seething throng. Kite shook his head and shrugged. It had to have been his imagination.
He turned and headed up the stairs to the Chaos Gate, where…
"Kite, what the hell took you!"
Kite winced and turned slowly to face Blackrose. She stood next to the Chaos Gate, arms crossed and eyes glaring at the twin blade.
She stomped over to him, shouting, "How long does it take to drop off five fricken items at Elf's Haven! You. Are. Late!"
Kite shuffled uncomfortably. "Blackrose, I'm sorry," he began, and he was about to say more when he was cut off by another voice.
"Shugo! Where have you been? Just because we're in the same house, albeit in two different rooms on two different computers, doesn't mean you can hide from me!"
Kite looked over his shoulder. "Gah!" he exclaimed, jumping away from both the one behind him and Blackrose, for the one behind him looked exactly like Blackrose, except that the one behind him was a bit smaller. Still, both of them were glaring at him with similar looks of female irritation.
"Uh.. This is just creepy," he said.
"What the hell?" snapped Blackrose, in perfect agreement, though she didn't voice it.
The Blackrose clone didn't seem to notice the other. Instead, she stomped towards Kite, who backed away, scared for his digital life.
"Answer me when I talk to you!" she demanded as Kite reached the wall and had no where else to go.
Meanwhile, another player warped in, appearing right next to Blackrose. This other player looked like a smaller version of Kite. He did not see the real Kite and the mini-Blackrose, but instead glanced at the real Blackrose and grimaced at her steady glare.
"Rena," he stuttered to her, and she glanced at him with surprise, puzzlement and confusion, but he didn't notice. "Look! I'm really, really sorry I'm late! You see Hotaru's grunty got lost in a field and she called me to help, since she couldn't reach anyone else, so I went to the field to help her and –"
He fell silent as he realized Blackrose was giving him the strangest look. "What the heck are you talking about?" she asked.
"Huh? What's the matter, Rena..?"
At the same time, the mini-Blackrose, thinking Kite's confusion was faked just to try and get out of answering, drew her blade and slashed down at Kite, shouting, "I'm sick and tired of this! I swear you are the worst brother ever!"
Kite, however, was a much better player than her brother, and, with his own blades, easily blocked her downward cut. The mini-Blackrose let out a cry of disbelieving annoyance and slashed at his legs. Kite easily leapt over her clunky blade, then blocked a thrust toward his middle. Keeping her from actually doing any damage was extremely easy, almost pathetically so, not that her strikes would do more than a few hit points worth anyway. She wasn't even half his level – 99, the highest any player could conceivably go.
"You know," he pointed out after a few more blocks. "Player Killing is illegal, except in specially sanctioned PvP fights."
"Oh shut up, Shugo," she grunted. "Man, when'd you get so good?"
Kite arched an eyebrow at her. "What are you talking about? My name's Kite, not Shugo."
"Huh?" The girl stopped, staring at him. "Wha- what?"
A peal of uncontrolled laughter burst forth, suddenly, from a bystander, and Kite, Blackrose and the two mini clones turned to face… Kazu, who was gasping for breath between giggles and leaning against the wall.
Blackrose and mini-Blackrose glared at him, hissing, "Just what is so funny. Kazu?"
Then they looked at each other and gagged inarticulately. Kazu just laughed louder, doubling over, barely able to remain standing. Both Kites just stared at him, wondering if the wavemaster had gone mad.
After a few moments, Kazu was able to gasp out, "You guys… are… so pathetically… hilarious… Sis, Rena, Shu-boh, Kite…"
Blackrose narrowed her eyes at him. She stalked over to him and jabbed a finger in his face. "Damn it, Kaz, quit laughing and explain yourself!"
Still giggling, he said, "Sis… Sorry, but… Rena thought Kite was Shugo, and Shugo thought you were Rena.. and you and Kite were just confused… It was just priceless!"
"So…" said Rena, glancing over at Shugo. "You're my brother then! You idiot! Can't you tell her from me?"
"But… you look exactly the same! Well, except she's taller," said Shugo, then he froze, eyes suddenly widening as he stared between Blackrose and Kite. "Wait a minute…. You two are Blackrose and Kite! OH MY GOD!"
"Wha-? The .hackers!" squealed Rena. She then blushed crimson and turned to Kite, bowing low. "I'm sooo sorry Kite-sama! I can't believe I attacked you like that! I'm so, so sorry!"
Kite waved her off, looking somewhat uncomfortable. "Uh.. It's all right! You can just call me Kite…"
Shugo, meanwhile, stared at Blackrose. "So… you're the legendary players? The real ones?" he asked, gaping.
Blackrose blushed slightly. "Uh… I guess so… Uh… Why do you guys look like us?"
"They won a contest in which the prizes were your avatars," explained Kazu. "Remember, stupid CC corp outlawed anyone creating new characters using similar character designs to yours?"
"Huh? I didn't know they opened a contest…"
"They didn't," said Kite. "Balmung emailed me about it a while ago, 'cause Aura apparently now has a daughter… and CC corp was acting on their usual policy. Heh."
"What? He never emailed me about that! The looser!"
"He was going to, but I told him not to bother, since you were too busy with tennis and college," said Kazu. "But I did tell you about it, remember? Oh wait.. You must not have been paying attention.. as usual."
Blackrose kicked Kazu. "No," she said. "It was probably because you were whining at the time, as usual."
Kazu stuck his tongue out at her. Shugo and Rena stared. Blackrose turned back to Kite.
"Wait, what did you say about Aura? And isn't Balmung a system administrator?"
"Yeah," said Kite, smirking a bit. "He does a lot of events, especially on this server. Some of them are pretty stupid, though…"
"I heard that!" said Balmung, who was standing by the Chaos Gate, hitherto unnoticed by the others.
Blackrose rounded on him. "How come you never told me about it! You told my brother! You told Kite! I bet you told Orca! And Wiseman, and Helba, but you didn't tell me!"
"And Mistral," said Kazu. "Don't forget her!"
Balmung grinned. "It's your brother's fault. He told me not to bother contacting you, since you were really busy in college. I remember college days, and I didn't think you needed added distraction."
"But you emailed Kite and Orca, and they've just started college!"
"Yes, but at the time, they were still waiting for final acceptance to colleges. You were taking summer courses."
"But you have no right to talk, Balmung! Four years ago, you were in college, and you still found plenty of time to help us out!"
"That was different."
"How so!"
"A couple friends of mine… well, a friend and a rival, were in comas that time. No one was in a coma this time. And there wasn't any danger of anyone actually getting hurt."
They continued arguing, and Kite sighed. Kazu, too, sighed, but grinned at Kite, then Shugo and Rena.
"Isn't my older sister great?" he said, somewhat sarcastically.
"Reminds me of Rena," said Shugo, earning him a slap. "Well it's true," he muttered, earning him a second slap.
Kite chuckled. "Excuse me," he said. "But I don't actually know your names…"
"Oh, I'm Shugo," said Shugo.
"And I'm Rena," said Rena.
"They used to be Akira- uh.. I mean Blackrose's and my neighbors before they moved."
"Really?" said Kite.
"Yup!" agreed Shugo and Rena together.
"Heh. It's a small world," said Kite.
"Hey Blackrose," called Kazu, trying to break up Blackrose's and Balmung's fight.
She ignored him. So… Kazu relied upon brotherly scheming.
"Oh, Akemi, I just remembered: I spilled milk in your dresser drawer. Umm.. The first one on the left side."
"You what!" she exclaimed, spinning around to her brother with horrified eyes. "You didn't spill in that drawer! You wouldn't! And what were you doing in my room with milk, anyway!"
Kazu laughed. "Actually, I didn't. I just wanted to get your attention."
She glared at him, and he hastily continued, "I just wanted to ask you, do you remember the Kunesaki twins?"
"Huh? You mean those two who used to live next door?"
"Yup."
"What about them?"
"Well, they are right in front of you. Shugo and Rena!"
"Are you really Akemi?" asked Rena, gaping.
"Holy cow," said Shugo. "This is totally creeping me out!"
Kite, meanwhile, started singing, "It's a small world, after all…"
To which Blackrose hissed, "Don't you DARE start singing that, Kite!"
He laughed and she swung her sword at him. Since they were both the highest level possible, they were pretty evenly matched, and Kite had to struggle to avoid the serious injury her weapon could deal out. Kazu just burst out laughing, then joined Kite in singing the dreaded song of evil. Balmung toyed with the idea for several moments, then he, too, joined in. Blackrose screamed. Shugo and Rena stared in bemused amusement.
And, floating as they were in the sky, quite unseen by any of the players, Aura and Zefie sang along, too.