WARNING: ME3 SPOILERS BELOW!
He'd heard Purgatory was a good bar, but he hadn't expected an out of body kind of experience. That was the only thing that could be happening, though. It was definitely the only way to explain why it sounded like Shepard was flirting with him. Commander Shepard, Hero of the Skyllian Blitz, Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre, and she was insinuating that she might be interested in him? No way. There was absolutely no way. He could hear a voice that sounded suspiciously like his mumbling something about how he'd never really thought about it. Well that was a fucking lie... He'd definitely thought about it. He'd thought about it a LOT. Hard not to when she was the only person who'd ever appreciated him for his abilities and not for what he could do despite his disease. He'd been well on the way to a pretty substantial crush back on the first Normandy and when he heard what Cerberus was doing... well, after the shit the Alliance had pulled trying to bury the Reaper threat he couldn't sign up fast enough. He told himself it was just the chance to make a difference, but he knew better... Distantly he was aware that instead of backing off she was pressing the point. He felt heat flood his face as she shifted, moving just a little closer.
He was at a loss. What do I even say? Have I been that obvious about how I feel? He'd been trying to put distance between them lately, spending more time with EDI, taking longer shifts to avoid seeing her in the mess hall. Kaidan was back now, too, so he assumed they'd be picking up where they left off. Instead, here she was, invading his personal space and making it very clear that she'd be interested in pursuing something if he just gave the word. I can't. I can't. I'll never be enough for her. It was a litany he'd recited to himself more than once. He knew that if he came clean and told her how he felt - how he lay awake at night thinking over everything she'd said, every look she'd given him - maybe it would work... for awhile. Then she'd realize. She'd see how limited he really was. It had happened before. Women always got frustrated with his limitations. Having to be aware all the time of how careful they had to be. So much caution was involved just in holding hands let alone having to understand all the challenges that sex entailed for him. Most of them bailed well before that ever became an issue. I couldn't stand to have her look at me like they did. Like I'm not worth it. Like I'm not a man. I'll never be enough. I can't be strong enough for her. She deserves so much more than a broken smart-ass.
So he spouted some bullshit about regs, something about it not working since they were both in uniform. Then to put the final nail in the coffin he asked her what she thought about him and EDI. He saw her face fall and his heart constricted in his chest. He expected her to give him a hard time, but she managed to smile. Told him he deserved happiness in whatever form it came in. When she turned to go he knew it was the end. I did the right thing, he thought savagely. She'll go to Alenko. He'll make her happy. He can be all the things I can never be for her. He turned back to the bar and ordered a shot. He tossed it back, feeling it burn all the way down. He closed his eyes and scrubbed his hand over his face, sighing. She never needs to know that turning her down was the hardest thing I'll ever do.
General disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters here depicted. I just love them. Waaaaay too much.
Head canon angst to make myself feel better about certain events in ME3.
Beta'd by my bestie! Thanks Brooke!