I Suppose, a d.gray-man fanfic

Based around Chapter 166 with Allen and Mana and that dead dog, and the events following. Remember, Allen was a brat around that time so he was a lot different then he is now. And also remember--he's a child. As it is told from his point of view, I added in some jumping from thought to thought as many young kids do.

Also, I don't own D.Gray-Man, I wish I did. But it owns me.

Tch. Cosimo's a bastard. First he beats me up, then kills that poor dog. What a attention-craving little bastard, all because the audience didn't like him enough. So they don't like him...but does he need to ruin everyone else around him? That clown guy...Mana I think it was...it was his dog, but he didn't cry. I did. Why? Why am I so weak? It's definitely that bastard, that stupid, stupid bastard. Yes, it's gotta be his fault, he's done nothing but torment me since the minute I got here...but hasn't everyone always been like that to me? It's because of my arm. That hideous arm...it must be the reason I'm all alone.

So I ask myself again, why am I so weak? Is it because I refuse the help of others? It's natural, after all the hell they have put me through, I don't want any of them to be my friends. They're all sick and twisted, and they lively solely of the pleasure of watching others writhe in pain. Yes, that's what humans are. Disgusting beings, indeed...like my parents. I cannot remember them in the least bit, so possibly they were beautiful, possibly they were rich...but kind they were not. No, they couldn't be kind to dump me on the streets like they had. I must have been only five, and I was alone for long enough. Of course, I rummaged through the garbage, but it wasn't sufficient enough. I was starving, begging for food and yet no one would give it to me because of my appearance and because nobody had the heart. I was a dirty, ragged, street rat...and that arm. Of course, that blood-red deformed arm would scare anyone away. Except the freak show. Of course. The freak show, or the traveling circus if you prefer, picked me up off the streets.

You would assume giving food and shelter was a better life. A bit. Only a bit, however, because I was always picked on and beaten up. And I was too damn small and weak to do anything about it. I did odd jobs for them, and I labored day and night to recieve nothing but beatings in return. Everywhere I went, each time I switched places, the same thing occured. I would not be accepted anywhere by anybody, not even the freak show. That was my fate...I would never be accepted, not by anyone, and I would wander the world alone. Humans are definitely detestable.

I suppose that would be what I used to think...until Mana. He tried to be kind to me, he tried to cheer me up. Then on Christmas, he decided to take me with him. He told me he did not want me to suffer any longer, and took me along on his silly trip. At first I was wary, wondering if he was going to drop me off somewhere like my parents. But in the end, I got away from those bastards, that stupid Cosimo and his crew, and we began our travels to another circus. Mana was the first person to show me something different, something other than hatred and repulsion. He showed me things I did not know existed outside of fairytales--he showed me trust, he showed compassion, he showed love. He treated me like I was his son and I could not be anymore grateful for that.

"Allen?" It had been only a week since our travels started, and we hadn't found work yet. I was sleeping in late in a tent we set up as Mana shook my shoulder. I looked up, seeing his warm, smiling face and his dark chocolate eyes looking into mine. His tall tophat left a shadow over his eyes, but I could still recognize the kindness in them. Blinking a few times, I yawned once then slowly got up. Dressed in the same thing as yesterday...and the day before and the day before that...I realized how dirty we must have looked. We did not have any money with us, and only the clothes we had brought from the circus. I had two pairs of clothing, and this time no where to wash them. It was freezing, and any attempt at using water would be fruitless. Yes, winter certaintly was troublesome. It had always been tough to wash clothes at the circus, but we had fire there, and with Mana...there was no fire. Of course, I couldn't complain. It was cold, sure, and I couldn't wash my clothes, but I was not working for anyone any more, following ridiculous tasks, and I had no one to beat me up. I trusted Mana enough at this point to understand he was a caring person.

Finally responding to Mana's call, I yawned another time then asked, "Yes? What is it?" I hoped it was something interesting. Our last conversation had been interesting...we compared humans to things, and it was clear we had very different views.

"Humans are like flowers. If the weather pleases them, they'll perk up, but if it displeases them they'll fade away. In other words, when someone offers something pleasing to another, they will act kind to them. However, if something displeasing is offered, they will turn away. Like when people see my hand..." I had trailed off in my thoughts at that point, watching Mana's expression carefully as I told him what I though. It was hard to read...yes, adults are difficult to understand. I just don't seem to get them.

"That's rather...pessimisstic...I agree that humans are like flowers, but in a different way. Humans are like flowers in a way that they are all beautiful in their own way, and each one proves an important purpose in our world."

"And that's a bit TOO optimistic if you ask me."

"Think what you like."

"I also think that humans are like..."

That was indeed an interesting conversation. Maybe it changed my ideas on humans a little bit...just a little, though. I still could not trust them fully, but maybe I began to understand that not all humans are bad. There are kind ones like Mana, who will accept you for who you are. And though it had only been a week, it seemed like so much longer. It seemed like it was all the kindness I ever wanted, a lifetime of the compassion that I never got. As I got lost in my thoughts, however, he called my name again.

"Allen."

"Oh...s-sorry!" I looked back at him.

"Come here." Mana started to walk out of the tent, his height towering over my own. He was definitely one of the taller men I had seen in my life.

Following him out into the cold morning, I watched my breath in the air. It was a cloudy day again, the sky covered in grey. As I looked back to Mana, he crouched to the ground and motioned for me to come over. I followed then looked at what he was drawing on the ground. He was drawing strange symbols with a stick.

"Allen. This is going to be our secret language. It's only for me and you to know, not anyone else, okay?" He smiled as I widened my eyes. Nobody else? Just me? That made me feel special, like he wanted me to stay, unlike the other humans who only had hopes of throwing me away or hurting me. I looked closely and tried to see what he was writing. It was possibly the strangest array of anything I had ever seen--how the hell were dots and dashes in a circle supposed to mean anything to me?

"I don't get it." I tried to keep control of my emotions, not to show my giving up so easily, but I ended up pouting anyway.

"That's why I'm going to teach you." He said in a kind voice, one that made me smile. Mana had made me smile more than I had ever smiled in a lifetime in just this one week. It wasn't his clown tricks that made me smile, it was not his goofy antics--no, it was his kindness. His caring. It was the only thing I had ever wanted all my life, and here it was in front of me. Maybe there was a God after all, maybe that God I had given up on so long ago finally answered my long-lost prayers. All I had ever wanted was love, and finally I got it.

We looked at it for hours, losing track of time, and I still didn't get it. But for the first time, I was willing to learn. I could barely read the English language, but I was willing to learn this new one because I cared about Mana and he cared about me. Nobody had ever cared enough to show me their own secrets like he had, and nobody ever opened up to me and cared for me like he did. Yes...Mana gave me everything I ever wanted and more. I suppose humans are not all detestable. I suppose.

Love? Hate? Unsure? Well, whatever you feel, please review!!