Authors note: I am so excited about this because after months of pestering my good friend TheAvengerhero, he finally agreed to help me with writing this! All those hours he spent killing any humor I wanted to put in this are much appreciated!
We have never worked together on a fic before so this is a first for us, hopefully first of many!
The POV alters from third person to first somewhere in the middle, I resisted changing it because it actually sounded better like that and it happened by accident because we both worked on different parts of this.
Okay long note, completely AU and was inspired by the craziness going on in VD currently.
Disclaimer: We don't own The Vampire Dairies or are making a profit out of this. Nor do we own Concrete Wall by Zee Avi.
Don't wanna keep on sharing my bed,
With someone that I have to love less, and less
Everytime I try to make you smile
You say that I'm being a child
Well I tried my best
Today is May 30th; Bonnie knows this without having to glance at the calendar. All she has to do is open her eyes and turn to the side next to her and find it empty. She knows because the pain in her chest seems to hurt more on this particular day than any other day of the year. Waking up and living becomes harder and it takes all her strength to drag herself to the bathroom even more to take a shower.
Once dressed she heads to the kitchen ignoring the door that's firmly closed. There's no coffee waiting for her today, no quirky joke scribbled on a note and pasted on the wall. There's nothing. She can hear him, if she strains real hard and concentrate she can hear him. His behind the locked door but might as well be miles away from her.
Pinching her nose to ward off the headache Bonnie grabs her coat and heads out. The house seems more stifling today. She doesn't bother leaving him a note; he won't leave that room for the rest of the day so it's pointless.
She drives to the cemetery with her hands slightly shaking but she's the strongest one, always has been maybe that's why it was harder for her. When everyone went unhinged she had to keep it all together, keep the hope alive. The drizzle has started and she steps out the car clutching her umbrella.
She ignores how her heels sink into the muddy ground, another good pair. She sees him long before he turns around to acknowledge her. He waves her over a timid smile on his face that she knows is meant to reassure her, but she can see through it.
She walks up to him and they hug, it's long and she feels his fingers digging through her coat almost as if he's trying to draw strength from her.
"He didn't come?" he asks when they break apart.
He's being polite, because they both know he never does.
Bonnie nods and then turns to the grave stone. It shouldn't hurt but it does and she can't help thinking that it hurts more now than it ever did four years ago.
"I'm glad you came, she-" His voice falters then and even now he can't seem to say her name.
His tried to be so strong for so long that he can't seem to function either wise. She watches him waver then he crumbles his knees sinking to the wet grass. He clutches his head and Bonnie can hear the sobs and has to work hard not to release her own.
Slowly she crouches next to him placing a hand on his back and dropping her umbrella.
"It's okay Stefan," she murmurs trying to comfort him but failing.
His broken, she sees it every time they meet here. His handsome face has hallowed out and his hair has begun to grey around the edges it almost seems like his wasting away before her eyes. She wishes she could fix him, but nothing can.
"I'm sorry I just..." his voice trails off as he places trembling hands on the headstone.
Elena Gilbert, gone but not forgotten
The rest she can't read with the tears brimming in her eyes. They've all tried to be strong for so long and are failing not only themselves but her memory. She'd want more for them.
"You just can't stop loving her," Bonnie says simply, "We all can't..."
Her mind than drifts back to Damon who's locked himself away from the world, away from her. She knows Stefan loved Elena, Damon she's not sure. Can you call an obsession love? Can it be one in the same?
She'd thought Damon would be her shoulder; he'd been so strong before. Before May 30th, before Elena drove off the bridge and died. But now she's not so sure, she knows she loves him but whether he loves her remains unknown. His there, but not really and somehow she's convinced herself that's enough.
"I used to think my defining moment was when I first laid eyes on her," Stefan says bringing Bonnie back from her musing.
"And now?' she asks as they slowly stand up.
Stefan thrusts his hands deep in his pockets eyes glued to the headstone. "Now I realise it was when I lost her," He pauses as if gathering strength, "Her death was mine,"
Bonnie shudders involuntarily and grasps Stefan's hand in hers, "Then what's my moment Stefan?"
He looks at her and the pain in his eyes is too much but she forces herself not to look away.
"The day you leave Damon," he replies.
Bonnie shakes her head already denying his words. Deep down it's because she suspects Stefan is right yet leaving Damon is more then she can handle.
"You're with him now because there's a part of you that needs to be needed," he continued, "You need Damon to need you in order to have meaning..."
Stefan's words echo long after I drive off, repeating themselves in my head like a broken record. Glancing at my wristwatch I realize I'm supposed to be meeting up with Caroline at the Grill in ten minutes time, but I don't have the heart to pretend everything is fine.
Instead I take a turn and head to Jeremy's. I probably shouldn't but I need to be with someone who remembers Elena like I do, not dead on the side of the riverbank. I pull over and walk up to the door still hesitant.
Jeremy answers after the third ring, his bathed and dressed and I give him a timid smile which he returns before inviting me in. The place is a mess and I literally have to walkover piles of maps and newspapers.
"Planning a trip?" I ask pulling off my coat as he pours me a drink.
I don't tell him I don't drink anymore or that Damon would probably raise an eyebrow instead I accept the drink and take the seat next to him on the couch.
"Yeah maybe head north don't know...don't care," he replies with a shrug as he finishes off his drink and gets up to make another one.
Jeremy isn't over her death but his okay and somehow that always gives me strength to face the rest of the year.
"What about you, heard you were moving?" he asks over his shoulder.
I was maybe still am, Damon isn't- he won't.
"Maybe but I still have stuff to sort out," I reply sipping on my drink, brandy and it's awful but I say nothing.
"Stuff as in Damon?"
Jeremy never beats around the bush, his head on and I know he'll allow me to change the subject if I want, but I don't.
"Yeah, I think he's never going to let go,"
"He won't because you've never given him reason to," At my confused look he adds, "You allow him to love you but continue to love Elena, and he gets to have it both ways,"
"Are you saying I should leave him?"
"No," he shakes his head, "I'm saying you should be enough, he shouldn't have to hold onto a ghost when he has you,"
His words hit hard and I wonder when did Jeremy become so grownup and filled with wisdom. There was a time when he was the one in need of saving. My phone rings and the caller ID reveal's Caroline's name.
"Hey Car,"
"Bonnie where are you, are you okay?" her voice is trembling and I instantly feel bad about not showing up, but I'm tired.
Tired of having to carry everyone's grief along with my own.
"I'm fine I just got some stuff to sort out,"
"Okay but call me, we need to talk," then she drops the phone and for a while I keep it on my ear.
No, Caroline needs to talk; she needs to remember... I don't. I hate myself instantly for thinking that, thinking that people should just get over it. Yes, Elena died but the rest of us didn't. The thought makes me sick for even thinking it, but a small voice seconds it even when my heart twists at it.
"Bonnie you'll figure it out," Jeremy promises before leaning over me and giving me a chaste kiss on my forehead.
"Thank you," I say standing up and suddenly sure of what I need to do. Bonnie needs to do what's best for Bonnie. I decided as Jeremy sees me off and I find myself again on the road.
I walk back into the house and don't even bother to check if Damon ever came out of his Elena Shrine instead I make my way to the bedroom and pull out a suitcase. Normally I'm a very precise and neat packer but I'm not planning on coming back.
I throw random clothes in, shoes, bras everything I can grab. The adrenalin rushes through me. Once satisfied I close the bag and pull it with me, having to drag it. I make it to the foyer and reach out for my keys when the door opens.
Damon stumbles out his eyes glazed and the smell of alcohol makes me nervous. He finally notices me, his eyes glance to me, the bag, my hand reaching for the keys and back to me again.
"Going somewhere?" he asks dryly running a hand through his devilish hair.
My voice abandon's me and I stand there not sure what to say.
"Leaving me?" he adds making his way to me and stumbling slightly.
"I should be enough," I say when I finally find my voice again.
His face scrunches up in confusion and he leans against the wall, "What?"
"I should be enough and I'm done competing with a ghost," I keep my voice even although my heart is pounding.
"I see," is the only thing he has to say and the anger I've kept buried for so long snaps.
"No you don't see!" I can't keep it locked anymore, "You don't see that I'm here alive, loving you even though it hurts! You don't see how I have to carry you and your love for her every day! You don't see even now when I'm leaving you, you still can't fucking see!"
After my outburst there's a silence and tears I swore I'd never cry stumble over my lids and down my cheeks. Damon is silent and it's enough for me to grab my keys and pull the door open.
"Bonnie... wait,"
I know I shouldn't, hate myself when I turn back to him. He looks so lost it tears at me in ways I couldn't imagine and before I can stop myself I'm running to him and holding onto him. No words are needed after that and I allow him to peel of my jacket and carry me to the bedroom.
The sex is a whirlwind of passion that lacks any tenderness and afterwards I stumble out the bed still naked as if in a daze. In the corner of my eye I see Damon grabbing a cigarette- a habit he took up after Elena's death.
Blindly I make my way to the bathroom, emotions making me dizzy and slightly nauseous. I lock the door behind me and slide to the floor. The tears come then and I don't have the strength to stop them, I bite my arm to smother the sound as anguish grips me.
Never before do I wish it had been me instead of Elena then at that moment. If it had been me, Jeremy wouldn't have to keep running, Caroline wouldn't be such a mess, Stefan wouldn't have become the shell he is today and Damon wouldn't hate me so much.
He doesn't say it but sometimes I see it in his eyes almost as if he blames me for her death. Blames the fact that Elena was running my errand. Blames the fact that he'd been too busy ripping off my blouse when he could have saved her.
I shudder just thinking about it. My head pounds but still the sobs continue and for a moment I panic at the thought that they might never stop.
"You okay?" Damon asks on the other side of the door and instead of reassuring him I keep quiet. Because how can he ask when it's so obvious I'm not?
"Bonnie?"
I curl into myself wishing the floor would open me up and swallow me whole. I feel death ever so near and it scares me because a part of me welcomes and beckons her forth.
"Bonnie?" Damon sounds uneasy now and the irony in the situation makes me want to laugh so I do and it comes out all strained and hoarse, but I don't care.
"Open the fucking door Bonnie!"
Through the bleary eyes I spot Damon's razor it seems so important that it should be there. I crawl to it holding my breath and ignoring the pounding of Damon's fists against the door. I touch the blade to my palm and squeeze, it cuts slightly but not enough.
The spell is something I hardly paid attention too but now I remember it like it was yesterday and with the blood seeping from my palm I begin to chant.
The wind picks up almost immediately and so does Damon's pounding. I hear the hinges begin to snap under the strain. I can feel myself begin to slip away as I embrace the darkness.
The door burst on its hinges and Damon barges in, his eyes are frantic as they land on the sprawled form on the floor. He sinks to the floor hands bracing his fall. His eyes are wide when he finally speaks.
"Elena?"
End note: Okay first chapter down and we'd love feedback! Heard Concrete Wall on Gossip Girl, it's truly an amazing song you should listen it! It also inspired the title obviously.
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