I sat on my bed, not being able to cry anymore.
Has that ever happened to you before? Have you ever been this sad? Its unbearable let me tell you that... You never seem to realize the fate we all have; the fate of dying. I mean, you hear of it every day, and you see the names written in stone on the graves, but you never really feel that it exists until it finally catches up to you.
Whether it strikes you hard and takes someone really close, like a mother, father, sister, brother, friend, or just any loved one. Or it just taps you, taking a grandmother, who you knew was going to die soon, grandpa, another man who was only partly part of your life, or pet. Ether way, it reminds you and gets you thinking, and when you start thinking you do truly realize the definition of the dreaded death... and if you're like me, it scares you.
It's not really the thought of dying that scares me, it's just the thought of what will happen after. The unknown frightens all, and sometimes drives people to do rash things, or believe in the wildest thing. Because you want revaluation; the calm peace to sit back and relax and know where your going-What is going to happen... but that's impossible.
We just got back from my brothers funeral; It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. My parents need me to be strong even though all my friends are gone... Everything seemed to be gone from my life ever since Sora died that day. I have to keep on going and try-No, not try, but be strong…. This is going to be hard as doing your mama.
It has been a month since my brother died, and I have completely, as many say, gone 'emo'.
Emo, as in a person that has no life and hurts themselves because they are depressed. They are looked down upon in this world.
Most people think that the emos are those people who where band T-shirts, tight skinny jeans, dark make up, and the hair that is black and has streaks of color in it and is teased like fuck... but truly, if someone trys to look emo, then they are not emo. They just want to be because they think it's 'cool'. The true depressed are hidden, and hide in many forms.
Surprisingly, I have found that the most hidden emos are the seemingly happy, popular people that look perfect in every shape and form. Why? Because they are around all this drama, and are constantly pressured to stay skinny, and stay pretty. They are in a group where every girl and boy is beautiful, and that just pressures them into feeling they must be more pretty to stay on top and stay in the group. Because without the group... they can't go anywhere. All the other 'losers' and 'outcasts' that are betrayed as the 'good guys' would never take her or him in as a friend because they all loath her and think she or he is a preppy, perfect, popular kid. How wrong they are.
Anyways, I started to cut myself a lot, even before my brother died, but the days have been getting shorter and I just stopped. School would start today. I really don't see why I had to move. It got me closer to Sora's grave but it was so painful to move from the house. The house so full of memories.
So, the first day of school? Bleh. I picked my favorite band t-shirt, a black skirt, fishnets, and to top it all off, black boots. My mom told me to take out my piercing including my belly button, nose, and eyebrow, but I didn't like the sexy rebel I am. Yea I know it's a bit showy and that I was just finished talking about how the people that dress like this are framed as emo, but to be honest I like the style and I dressed like this even before I started getting... moody.
Once I walked into that school everyone stared at me. Some with pitying looks on their face, and the others gave me a glare. Normal school…. I went to my first class; Art class. Luckily I got there just in time because I usually didn't with all the crowded halls and people that just loved to push me.
The teacher, once we were all seated, started to call out names. "Roxas usher?" he called out. I raised my hand and put it down. He looked at me with empathy for the hundredth time and then kept going. "Today, we will start drawing faces," said the teacher.
Wow, faces? Couldn't he have been a bit more specific, or less boring? But in the end I started to draw.
The teacher walked over to me and whispered, "You will have to go to the office."
I sighed then grabbed all of my stuff and headed out, but I was stopped by a girl with super pink hair. "Ok, that's it," she said angrily. "Now little miss 'oh feel sorry for me' gets to skip classes? It's not fair! How come everyone has to feel bad for her? I mean, it's not like she's the one that died. Give me a break here! He died a month go, get over it people!" She glared at me. "No wonder your stupid little brother died, your probably the reason it happened you self centered princess," she mocked, face scrunching.
I starred at her for a second. Who the hell dose that in the middle of a class room? Everyone gasped, everything going dead silent, and nearly every head was turned to look at the girl with wide eyes as I started to fum.
The teacher at the front seemed speechless as he slowly took a step, trying to hold my shoulder supportive as he sensed my rage growing. "Roxas..."
My eyes narrowed as I jerked my shoulder from his reach and began to round up on the girl. "Ok, look here! You can fuck around with me but when it comes to my brother? Who not to mention got freaking shot! You have no idea how it feels to realise that-that your never going to see that face again, your never going to laugh with that someone again, your never going to feel angry or sad with that person again! And no matter how much you try, it will never be the same again. I felt every emotion, good and bad, every day for him! Still don't understand? Huh? Pretty-fake-face? Then how 'bout you go sit your ass down and I'll grab a hammer to smash your best friend's face in so you'll know!" And without another word, I pushed her on the ground and ran.
But, of corse, right as I ran out I just had to knock into someone else. "Hey are you okay?" said a boy, looking at me. I looked up. I know this boy…..I think.
"No, I'm not okay," I grumbled, looking into his green eyes as I picked up all my stuff and stood.
"Sorry. I'm Axel," he said.
"And I'm Roxas, fagot," I spat. Crap I didn't mean to sound so hash, but damn I'm so mad right now I just had to let off some steam!
Axel, to my amusement, actually caught my joke of sarcasm and laughed, smiling broadly. "Well, Roxas, is there any reason your being a dick today?"
"I was attacked and ridiculed by a fluff of pink hair... seriously," I grumbled, shift my feet.
"That's... nice, I suppose? Anyway, I guess I'll be on my way," Axel sighed, passing me. "Oh, and your new, right? I guess so cause I've never seen something like you before," he said with a smirk, scanning me. "Have any questions, my ass is right here."
He then walked off and I couldn't help but smile. Axel seemed nice.
authors note: had help from my great beta reader candy! :) please review