The Angel Academy
Disclaimer: I own nothing. That includes Naruto.
Warnings: Yaoi (lots), rape, made-up legal bollocks, bitchy Itachi and bad writing! First-time fic, ya see. Enjoy!
Prologue-A Brief History of Heaven
Angelic Guideline No.25: An angel must never enter into a romantic relationship with his/her human charge, lest it detract from the overall completion of his/her heavenly duties. Any angelic being found to be in direct violation of this guideline will be placed in custody and their case will be reviewed by a jury of their peers.
That's what the book said. But what it really meant was-
If you start fucking your targets, you're out.
Deidara was sure that if they had put that in the Angelic Guidelines, he wouldn't be on Earth right now. Absolutely positive, un.
Shall we start at the beginning?
In the beginning there was a Man whom no-one then knew. He was all alone, all alone in the wide blue skies, the dark barren earth; the deepest oceans-there was nothing but this one Man. This Man was God, you say?
Well, perhaps. All I know is that when other Men came along, he lied and claimed that he had made all that they saw before them. Even that he had created Heaven and Hell, used for judging souls for longer than the Earth had existed, even before the original Creator made the universes.
Yes, that's the stars in layman's terms.
Now that other Men had come along, and that one Man had claimed to be God and therefore Lord of All, life was flourishing. Many types of flora and fauna thrived under the rule of this one little Man. He lived a long and happy life, with few opposing his rule. A few Men populated the Earth, as did some dinosaurs and suchlike. They evolved into the species we know and love today-humans and chickens.
No, the first Man was not the first human. Men were made in the image of God, were they not? God has no fixed form. How else could he be omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent all at once? Men are pitiful in comparison to this, humans even more so.
The Creator saw all this happening-indeed; he had made the first Man and all the other original species on Earth. And he saw that the Man claimed to be him, to be God. But he was not annoyed-more amused if anything else.
Surely by now you must have noticed that God has a twisted sense of humour?
Anyway, the Creator, who had the entire universe to watch over (in the manner of a broody chicken), decided to be lenient, and let the Man rule Earth. In loco parentis, perhaps. And the Man did well enough, with only minor battles and squabbles with his fellows. However, as his power grew, so did his ego. He claimed that he was the Saviour of Men, and that all should kneel before him. He took the most beautiful Woman he could find for his wife, not caring that she loved another. His egotism knew no bounds-temples and statues were erected in his honour, and all that refused to comply with his very own religion were punished in the most degrading ways he could think of.
He was a real charmer, you know.
Nonetheless, the Creator let him rule. He saw all this, and grew less amused by the Man's antics day by day, but still he let him rule. Why, you ask?
Because all Men die, and this Man was certainly no exception. His life was long, but his death was painful. Shot through the eye with an arrow dipped in the venom of an arrow-tree frog, if I remember correctly. An excruciating way to die, no doubt! There was much rejoicing in the streets that day...
And the Man's soul left his body and travelled up to Above, where souls are judged by the Creator himself (this was still early days-there was no nicely ordered soul-cataloguing system like we use today!). There he met his maker, quite literally, and the Creator was not amused. The Man was brash, arrogant, manipulative and selfish.
He was also fiercely intelligent, loyal (to himself), and an excellent public speaker.
Such was the case that, as this "God" among Men defended himself to the true Lord of All, the Creator was impressed and decided that really, the only way to punish him was to heap an eternity of ruling upon him. He decided that it would be truly beautiful irony if this Man were to be put in charge of the -ahem-kingdom of Heaven.
Not an easy job. For you see, Heaven then was but a jumbled mess of clouds and archways, without rhyme or reason. Those beautiful pearly gates are all that remain of the original framework! All the rest was removed, the blinding lights of virtue and love were eventually confined to certain areas, the clouds were shaped more appropriately, and the Great Castle itself was fashioned out of the purest diamonds. Eventually, Heaven City was spawned when there were too many angels to live in the Castle itself. Roads were built, as were hospitals and schools and courts of law. Great libraries recording every second of every life of every human were founded, ones that will keep on recording until the end of time. The Crystal Gardens were built in honour of the Man's second wife, although by now he was no longer a Man but the first Angel.
And here is his greatest achievement! Before, the souls of the departed (be they human or animal) had just floated aimlessly in a fog of pure Nothing, blissfully ignorant for the rest of eternity. Now this Man saw these wasted minds, and put them to work. Their souls were judged, and the good ones were put to work as the second generation of Angels, working to eradicate sin from humanity, and the bad ones sent down to Hell by the Creator, who initially had the fire-and-brimstone punishment reserved for misbehaving spirits. (Now, however, everyone is sent down there willy-nilly! It's a shambles!)
And to run Heaven, this Man created the Angel Academy.
You know this, you go there. You've read the history books. You've heard the tales of its glorious founder-but do you really know the truth?
Because then the Creator saw the Academy and looked away. He thought we could manage on our own, but he was wrong! Even Angels are sinners in their own ways, and it only took a few twisted Angel officials before the entire system became the cruellest in the universe, punishing the Angels for the most idiotic of crimes.
Some crimes you cannot help but commit, and that was the case made when falling in love was outlawed. It's a natural occurrence, the more reasonable Angels said, we can't stop it and it would be monstrous to try. Nonetheless, Angelic Guideline No.25 was soon implemented. Others like it followed, and the Guide to Your Angelic Duties became compulsory reading. The Angel Academy was not an institute of learning as it once had been, but a tyrannical power-house, desperate to control every single aspect of their Angel's lives.
High up in the towers of the Great Palace, the Man could do nothing as he lay languishing in his bed, weak and pale. He had been alive far longer than anyone except the Creator could remember, and was growing so, so old. His eyes had long since lost their sparkle, and his wife-a great medic-had tried everything in her power to help him, but to no avail. He had to appoint several deputies to deal with the day-to-day running of Heaven. Huge battles in which the Army of Heaven tried to slaughter as many Demons-walking, talking sin-as possible were fought by order of the Academy. The Man did not know.
And as the Angel Academy grew, so did their hatred of all things 'sinful'. These included Demons, long hot baths and sex before marriage. Angels were required to devote themselves entirely to the purging of sin from individual members of the human race and forgo their own lives. New breeds of Angels, born not from the souls of humans but of two married Angels who had sought a Confirmation of Copulation from their Angelic Supervisor and consulted The Angel's Guide to Life. Illegitimate children were unheard of, sex before marriage was all but illegal and intercourse with a human? Death.
But some Angels didn't care much for these rules. One of these was a young blonde named Deidara, who had enough Guideline Warnings for inappropriate conduct, attitude and attire to sink Peter Pan's flying ship. And an Angel who did care for these rules was a slightly older one called Itachi Uchiha. He has his reasons, but he hated Deidara. They are the products of the Angel Academy. There are many more.
You cannot turn your back on a young child for a single minute. That was what the Angel Academy was when the Man created it, and the Creator abandoned it to create something new and interesting before it had even started teething. And now look what you've done, Madara-you're practically an invalid with no power except in memory and you've created a monster the likes of which the Earth has never seen.
Congratulations. I have such hope for the future, don't you?
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Gee whiz!
Reviews would be nice, but only if you feel it's worth it. I don't feel authorised to hold my chapters to ransom...yet. ^_^
Next up will be Itachi's 15 minutes of fame.