Disclaimer: I do not and do not claim to own the plot or characters of the television show House, M.D.
Most would simply call it a parasitic relationship at best. The main differences being that: one, a parasite couldn't kill you with grief the way House could Wilson, and two, no sane person would invite, encourage, and even enjoy the obviously deleterious parasite that assaulted them the way Wilson did House. Some would believe that Wilson was deeply disturbed or just had a strong inclination towards mental masochism. Then again, most wouldn't see past a kind doctor taking pity on—and being taken advantage of by—a crippled doctor that no one else could tolerate.
Cuddy knows better than most. She likes to think it's insights like this that made her hospital administrator, Dean of Medicine. Unfortunately, it's that same insight that allows her to realize she's only here because the doctors all were more needed actually working in the hospital than running it. Apparently, she's one of the few that can tolerate the mess of PR and politics. Unlike, House who can't be bothered by either. Which is why he is currently sitting in her office inducing a headache worthy of a month of Cuddy's administrative paperwork.
"You're not even listening to me." The accusatory whine that cuts through her thoughts belongs to a six-year-old rather than a world-renowned diagnostics doctor.
"Sorry," Cuddy apologizes on reflex alone. Under normal circumstances that tone wouldn't have merited a response, much less an apology. Cuddy doesn't like to encourage House's antics.
Clear, suspicious eyes narrowed a fraction, but House masks it a glare and continues, "As I was saying before you flew to La-La Land, what I did was clearly under duress. My poor sensibilities couldn't take being accused of being in a gay relationship with Wilson—although he is just smoking—and I was compelled to seek retaliation." At a look from Cuddy, House backtracks and relents, "Okay, so my sensibilities were fine, but have you ever seen my alleged gay lover's sad puppy dog eyes? I had no choice but to defend his integrity!"
"And you couldn't just use words to express your displeasure with Dr. Johnson?" House looks affronted by the very idea. "The 'Ask me how last night's sex was' sign was just immature. Maybe he earned the hit from your cane. Hanging his Chihuahua in its cage from the ceiling was just animal cruelty. And you don't think that super-gluing his office door shut was just a tad overkill?"
House scoffs and intones in his imitation of Confucious, "Don't you know that if you don't break their legs they'll just get up and hit you again?" It's only because Cuddy is so used to his deflection that she can see there was more to the mockery than his usual aversion to acting like an adult. Johnson had hit a nerve.
Realistically, there's no way that House could have done the hanging of the Chihuahua by himself. No matter how ingeniously creative he can get, he can't get around his leg. The only person who could be roped into helping House pull a stunt like that is Wilson, and even then he would've had to have his own ulterior motive.
Blue eyes take in Cuddy's reflection and turn to ice when she straightens up and prepares to address him. Cuddy doesn't miss the change. To anyone else, House appears to be in his element playing the child caught red-handed. To Cuddy, the slouching and steady gaze make House look like a man equally prepared to be cleared as innocent or sentenced to the death penalty.
"The office door and pet psychologist bills are going to be sent to your office." Remembering to whom she is talking to, Cuddy amends herself, "Actually, the bills are going to come from your paycheck."
House relaxes a fraction, his jaw no longer clenched, but he waits to see if he's really cleared. He knows Cuddy's sharper than most, and she always seems to figure out his end game even if she never will understand the man himself.
"The next time you pull one of these stunts I'm doubling your clinic duty for a month and ensuring that you can't get your ducklings to do it for you."
Catching the slip from administrator to friend before Cuddy does, House smirks in relief, which quickly turns to amusement. The ice has been cleared from the room and from his eyes. "Yes, Mummy, next time I will talk about my feelings like an adult instead of retaliating."
Cuddy only sighs and sends him a small smile. Sometimes he drove her mad, but times like these it was hard not to be pulled into friendly banter with him. Instead, she gives him her acceptance as a friend and hopes he understands it's not just politics. "Go tell Wilson you convinced me you two aren't 'gay lovers.'"
Twinkling eyes turn misty for only a moment before he practically throws himself out of the chair in a lively way that no self-proclaimed cripple should be able to. Ever the drama queen, House pretends to be wounded. "Oh, and the accusations continue to fly!" With another amused smirk he starts toward the door.
"House?"
The sound of his movements still into silence, but he doesn't turn around. Cuddy knows, however, that he's paying more attention to her in this moment than she could ever hope to receive from him again.
"I'm happy for you two."
The only acknowledgment is a brisk nod before he flings open the doors in mock anger, no doubt ready to terrorize whatever new interns were unfortunate enough to get between him and Wilson's office. The doors slam shut behind him, but to Cuddy it is the sound of peace.