Disclaimer
All related characters and settings found below are strictly based on the TV series Hey Arnold! created by Craig Bartlett as seen on Nickelodeon.
Hi, I'm Arnold. I guess you're here to watch our school play, so… welcome to P.S. 118's own rendition of William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet". Guess what? I'm playing Romeo. What's more unbelievable is, Helga—yeah, Helga G. Pataki, the girl who picks on me all the time—is Juliet. (I just don't get why she wanted the role knowing she'll have to kiss me for it.) You made it to the scene I'm not looking forward to… the scene where Helga will be My First Kiss.
"I, me…" I just heard her murmur. Sometimes she can sound really dramatic, like she does now. The truth is, she sounds nice. She sounds like a real lady.
"The lady stirs."
Is that Stinky? Oh yeah, he plays the friar. Ugh, the tension's making me forget stuff!
Good thing I've said all my lines. Mr. Hyunh—he helped me memorize all of them—was a lifesaver! If he hadn't flapped his wings—arms! Sorry—I would have totally forgotten that bird line.
Helgiet (I mean Helga playing Juliet) is still talking now. If only that critic Leichliter wasn't taking our school play WAY too seriously, I'd like to peek at Helga and watch her in action. I think she's really talented.
Who knew? I didn't.
At least I do now.
I know there's more to Helga than everyone thinks. Yeah! Call me crazy, but I know there's a nicer, more romantic side to her, a side you'd have to really squint your eyes to see.
Don't get me wrong. It's just that she's been my classmate for so long it kinda bugs me that I still don't know much about her. That's just… me. My classmates sort of call me "a nosey parker", a "know-it-all", even a "Kibitzer"—which means "a big fat Buddhinski". (Whatever.) The names hurt, but I get to know a lot more about myself with their name-calling. That's really just… me.
I like to know about things, people. I like to discover stuff (about anything at all) that I never knew before. Sometimes I get lucky and discover stuff no one else knew before. I'm not a boy genius or something, but I do like to know about things. Maybe 'cause I'm curious…
…And weird, I guess.
I got to admit I kinda always wanna know what's going on. That's why everyone calls me those names. But I don't mean to push my nose into other people's business. I just wanna see if they have problems. And if they do, I just wanna know if I can help.
Told you I'm weird.
Sorry.
There. It's time.
Helga—I mean Helgiet. Her hands just cupped the back of my head. Relax, Arnoldeo! (Don't mind me, okay? I'm talking to myself. I need to cool off, BADLY. Isn't it obvious?) Helga's not gonna kill you! She's only gonna…
…Kiss you.
WORSE!
Thinking about it is not helping.
She's gonna do it for a school play, Arnoldeo! She's Helgiet. Not Helga—Helgiet. Calm down!
You put yourself in this mess in the first place!
But Mr. Simmons went down on his knees…
So? He told you from the beginning you had to kiss a girl!
But I was the last guy on his list! If I didn't agree, he would've been crushed! The play would've been cancelled!
Sigh. Now you know how I think.
Sometimes I feel I help people too much.
Sounds good to me.
There it is again: Helga's fingers, holding my hair.
No. Those aren't Helga's fingers… though they are. They're Helgiet's. Those fingers are part of hands that belong to a girl who loves me—
—Not me me, but Arnoldeo me. (Juliet loves Romeo in Mr. Simmons' script. Maybe even in Shakespeare's.) Helga may hate me me, but Helgiet loves Arnoldeo me. She's supposed to act like she does, anyway.
So I'm sure she won't embarrass me or call me "football head" in front of you and all these people.
I hope.
Hey…
I was thinking she'd grab my hair too much, maybe pull out a handful or two. How she's holding me right now is just…
…Really gentle.
But of course! She's Helgiet, remember? "She" "loves" "you"!
Right, right. I'm so pig-headed! (Sorry, Abner.)
I mean, this touch of hers is something I've never felt before. As if she's clasping me into a steadfast embra—whoa, who's romantic now?
As if she doesn't want to let go.
As if she's wanted to do it for so long.
If what I'm saying convinces you I'm crazy, I'm positive that Helga is a really great actress.
Uh-oh. Helgiet's stopped talking.
It must be time for…
There, someone said it. Someone from the audience. It sounded like Rhonda. She must have been talking to the others.
"This is it, girls. THE KISS."
Yeah. THE KISS.
As if on cue, just about everyone in the auditorium held their breaths.
Even me.
And it was a really bad idea.
I couldn't exhale. Not freely, anyway. Helga's—Helgiet's—face was in the way.
Okay, so now I know a kiss from Helga— Helgiet! —isn't as terrible as I dreamt it was. In fact, I sort of feel something I don't wanna talk about right now. Or ever. But I could tell you I don't feel like I'm dying or something.
Uh… it should've been over by now.
What's going on?
I just have to know if something's wrong. It doesn't matter if Leichliter sees me open my eyes while I'm "dead". I have to know what's going on!
I did it. I opened my eyes.
From the kinda intense look on her face, Helgiet was really all set for our kiss. Good thing her eyes were closed, 'cause if she saw me looking at her, I'd end up messing with her concentration 'cause she might suddenly stop and yell at me like she usually does. (She still is Helga, after all.)
I looked around. Above the stage, to the audience, and in all directions. Nothing seemed to be going wrong.
The kiss just was taking long.
I found blurs instead of faces in the audience. I blinked it off.
Didn't work.
You might say I'm not concentrating on my first kiss at all. I am… but not the way Helga is. (She's prob'ly doing this to have another reason to make fun of me besides the shape of my head. I'll just have to pull out my guts and tell her this kiss of ours didn't gross me out. That'll show her!) This scene may have been just demanded upon the both of us (you already know what Mr. Simmons did in front of me while Helga was the fourth understudy—I'm not sure about that, but I know she was after Lila—for the role of Juliet), but we're doing it anyway. I'm not really into this acting stuff while Helga takes it to heart.
Come to think of it, this didn't turn out so bad. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this with Rhonda, Sheena, or Phoebe (the first Juliet and the first two understudies). Or Lila, either. Sure, I like like Lila, but I wouldn't think of doing a kissing scene with her if I know she wouldn't want to do it. Same goes for the others. I dunno the first thing about women, but I do know I shouldn't push them to do something they don't like.
It's different with Helga.
First, I don't think she wants to kiss me either (this is Helga G. Pataki we're talking about), but she ended up with the part of Juliet. I had to accept that. Second, to me she feels like one of the guys. She and us guys hang out and do stuff together all the time. Third, I met her when we were in preschool. (And she wasn't really mean and nasty yet. Actually, I kinda liked her then.) We may fight and argue all the time, but we go back a LONG way. And lastly…
…Doing this scene with her won't change our relationship. I just know it.
If I kissed one of the other girls, she and I are bound to get awkward with each other after this play. But Helga, Helga's gonna keep on hating my guts and we'd treat each other the way we always do. We'd still get along even if we don't get along.
Oh. Sorry for not making sense.
There! Finally Helgiet drew away from me. She gasped for air. Trust me, she's not the only one short of breath.
Helga let go of my head and stood up. She did it real dramatically, too.
Ow! My head just hit the steps of the crypt!
It's over. My head hurts.
I'm thirsty.
End
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